The Happy Hunter's Journal (original) (raw)

12:20a

Long Day Coming "Dear Isobel, I hope you're well,
and what you've done is right,
It's been such hell,I wish you well,
I hope you're safe tonight."

I'm feeling at peace. Bliss balanced by melancholy.

(I need some Wine, brb. Ah cheap Merlot, I'm back. And fuck all those wine snobs who say Merlot should only be a blend wine.)

Mike came home excited over the christmas shopping he's done, I grumbled cause I have to do an exchange. "You're going to like your presents!" he taunted.

"All I want is you under the tree with a big ribbon on your head." I replied
"You just want a cute photo op." He insisted
"No I'm serious...."

I want everyone here in my living room, sipping Stony Hollow Merlot in front of the fire,our voices in debate echoing off the vaulted ceiling. I've come to appreciate this house (40's electrical system, leaning toilet and blowing fuses be damned)

I want to drive to nowhere singing at the top of my lungs with my friends farting in the backseat. I wish certain fights had not come to pass, I wish you could patch up the past like an air mattress, so when you sit on it, your tailbone doesn't hit the floor.

In the midst of the commercial frenzy I asked Mike what he wants to do to help other people. "Charity begins at home. Why don't we send some cash to your Mom." I hadn't even considered her and my stomach crawled up behind my voice box trying to hide my shame.

I escaped but Mom is still living in poverty, second hand clothes, bargain food, driving a car she took out a usurer's loan on, because at 50 years old she can't bear the thought of having nothing anymore, after working so hard...Reminds me of the people driving Escalades while their houses fall down. Though she drives a cavalier not an escalade. poverty is rather Cavalier.

For any of you fortunate enough not to know, poverty is a bitch. And we're all mixed up in something we don't understand.

I feel so guilty. I'm 20 and for Christams I know I'm getting a 1996 Sunfire. Should I give it to her? She sent me a Christmas card with a cheque for $50 CDN. I'm wondering if I should even cash it. Should I tell her to give it to my brother instead? I'd like it but I can do without.

Last year I spent one weeks paycheque on Toys for underprivledged kids, cause I know what an empty tree feels like. But did I send my Mom much? My gifts were thoughtful....but I'm still scum like any other fuck who thinks so highly of themselves for doing something to "help others" one time out of the year.

I didn't tell her I forgave her for our poverty when I was growing up, or for the abuse (which she still manages to deny). Or for the taunts, the second hand clothes, being called fat cause I ate so much cheap pasta (though I was kind of scrawny). Things that were and weren't her fault.

The card included a note "...if my situation does not improve by spring, you should know if something happens where I must give up the car, I will give you the choice of taking over the payments. Enclosed is a small amount of money. I wish to God, It was much, much more. God Bless you my precious darling"

Even miles away, years after the fact, she can still hit me.

Parents,Profs and Teachers are not beings of enlightenment or understanding, they drink, smoke and fuck like the rest of us. Wow wish I'd learned that in grade school.

I'll put the cheque in my photo album. I won't cash it and I'll send her a card with one weeks pay witht he scum scraped off, and tell her I just need her to be a Mom, not a cash dispensary in the face of her own debts, fianancial and not. I hope she moves down here so she can find better opportunities.

But back to Isobel, I wish them all well, my Mom, my Dad, hell even Corey and Toby. All my enemies, deserving of the title or not.

The only reason I want fame from publishing or singing, or even putting my brain to some enlightening purpose is so I can take care of them all.

I wish someone was here to sing with me. I miss that.

I'm so drunk. I should go study, My final is tommorrow and I don't care. Dinova can go fuck her uptight ass.

"Dear Isobel, I hope you're well,
and what you've done is right,
It's been such hell,I wish you well,
I hope you're safe tonight."

Current Mood: drunk