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So you want to see me. I am not sure whether I should - or wait, that's a lie. I am sure I should NOT, because I know it will lead to tears, sleepless joyless nights full of wine melancholy. And I'm just beginning to get over those shitty feelings & thoughts.
The thing is the image I can't get out of my mind - the sodding bloody totally unrealistic image of you admitting you made a mistake and you still love me and blahdeblah hollywood plastic paradise fantasies.
Need to understand I should listen to Mind rather than Feelings because former is a much better advisor in situations like this. I have made mistakes in the past by ignoring it, and I will not do this again.
Also I need to be realistic about it. Even IF it would work again it would be brief, and besides, I think you made up your mind about it (although it might not be so hard to create the illusion of infatuation again, if only for one afternoon), and shallow enchantments only work for a very short time. Thus, this too will ultimately lead to tears - so I had better be over with it, to prevent falling away in a silly depression about someone who isn't worth it (and this isn't meant in a negative way - it's just that ultimately you are not the one. We're just not the perfect fit, I am very aware of that).
Besides, even IF (utopian situation) we somehow happened to get a long-term relationship we'd be doomed beforehand. I have had enough stuff to deal with, so no more shit for me because that would land me definetely on the path of shrinks & pills (I'd love to have some now and must admit I went to the therapist just to get some - played happy-go-lucky too much however so she didn't think I am depressed; so now it's alcohol. Not that I'm an alcoholic - just one or two glasses of wine a day to get asleep. And things are indeed getting better). Not good. So I will tell you. Tomorrow. Or the day after.
Just have to convince myself.
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