and I don't want to live this life... (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	depressed	]

Hell low...

I am not sure I can find any help but in me
But do we have to be so selfish and focuse on our pain and our way out of it?
Then If I take care of myself alone,will I anybody ?
why would I need someone?

I have found out lately that Love does not exist but like a damned I go on searching and hoping for it,secretly of course as I live with my boyfriend of 4 years.

Why am I not happy?
What is my greatest lack?
is it beyond understanding?am I searching for somethin higher,some utopia,some ideals,God?

I dont even know if I can still believe in God for all the pain I have to hide and bury everyday
just have to not to be ashamed of myself and the failure I am,the failure of my life.

I somewhat sound like a teen but it worst as I am in my late twenties...I have tried therapy but shrinks suck they just put you in some category and then they give you meds and whatever!

That's also why I try to save my self alone,but the nasty side of it is that I grow distant from humanity, I feel hatred increasing inside of me and frustrations too...and I look so pathetic that I end up hating everything & myself at the same time which is of course no use...as it won't help me move on

I dont have anything
I search for a job and I ve been unemployed for 2 years and it makes me feel so useless whereas I do know I 'm worth it and that I have a good education,diplomas and skills

But we really cannot be blind to the difficult situation for youngsters in this era.
It's hard to find a flat,hard to find a job,hard to find love,hard to move,hard not to feel so hopeless

I am fighting with all my strenght but I am so ALONE.
I only have my family,my parents I mean.

I got in this depressing mode once again tonight just because I've talked to my boyfriend about getting a baby!

Don't think I am crazy!
I just want to give sense to my existence and having a family of my own is my biggest dream in this life,it's the most important to me to be a mother and give love,take care and feel useful.

my boyfriend says " we make children because we are happy not to be happy"
such crap in my face!!!

How can I be happy????
I do all I can to have a life,a job,to make my couple more alive and to organize going outs whereas he doesn t do much and we don't have money to do that often:(

I can't wait to have a situation,I feel old.
I dont care about money,I just want Love !
It's not so selfish as on the contrary I want a baby to be my center of the world and stop worrying about fuss and being self-centered in my worries and lacks...
we all have lacks I should deal with that!

I dont have any one to talk here,no friends,I have trust issues and I am surely not easy to please

The more I think about it the less I think I'll have what I want from this life and it aches so bad I just can cry and then I feel so pitiable when some people just lost someone dear to them ...how can I complain about my pathetic empty existence?

I feel angry...
I really don't know what I can do,I just always hope I will receive a phonecall for a job soon,instead of rejections all the time
I hope Prince/Princess( dont care about genre)charming will come and save me?
I am so childish...

Will I ever grow up and stop dreaming?
Well maybe sometimes i feel like a true grown ups,bitter,sad,frustrated,aware that everything is useless and love is not enough or worse maybe love is just egocentrical and self-centered in the end...

I'll never be happy.