Allwissend bin ich nicht; doch viel ist mir bewisst (original) (raw)

I should be sleeping right now. There's a staff meeting at 8am tomorrow, and I'm picking Ben up at 7:30. So that means getting my ass out of bed by at least 6:30. And seeing that I should take a shower in the morning, means I should get up at 6. But sleep? Not so much right now.

School is back in full swing right now. A full 3 days of Math curriculum writing, and setting up my classroom. Neither of which are done right now. Unpacking my room is more tedious than packing my room up. But I just need to get my ass in gear, and it'll get done. I'm sure of it. That and it needs to be done.

But even with all of the ... engergy... of starting school, it's been a bit melancholy around here lately. I started thinking the other day, focusing on a line from my last outpouring - about how it's lonely being single. Because then it hits me - I've become the proverbial "third wheel", or in my case "seventh wheel" with my school friends. Everyone I'm good friends with at school - Andrea, Mel and Melissa are either in a serious relationship, engaged, or married. So when we all go out, it's the 3 couples... and me. And it's frusterating, at least in my mind. I know the girls well enough that they wouldn't make me feel badly about it, but it's frusterating none the less. I hate being the odd man out. And the thing is, I'm good at making friends once I get to know them, but to go out and actually "meet people" is terrifying to me.

Julie and I got to talking about this, kind of, today during curriculum writing, and my freedom from being chained to the copy machine making tedious, hellish copies of things to put in our curriculum binders. We were talking about my life, and plans for the future. And then the subject of dating came up, and st started talking about another teacher and how she's so upset she's single and how she's grousing about it every chance she gets. While I'm not thrillled about being single, I'm not at that state that I'm going to bitch and moan about it to everyone within hearing distance at school. (Yes, I see the irony of putting this out on the internet, but whatever.)

And so I get to thinking - have I made the right decisions in my life? I'm not regretting any decisions I've made, but I wonder how things would have played out if things turned out differently. Would I be at a job where I'm excited to start a new year (believe it or not), would I be living where I am now? What would my emotions be like, and would I have had the same opportunities as I have now? The flicker of doubt always flits through my mind, and I wonder if I made a mistake 2 years ago. Because things would be different if 2 years ago would have never happened. I wouldn't be the "seventh wheel", I wouldn't be the odd man out. It's always a theory to be played out in the dark recesses of my mind - but que sera sera - Whatever will be, will be.

And if I haven't made the right decisions, I can always be that crazy, spinster teacher. Or the cat lady. Or a combination of both. :)

In other notes:
I have 23 kidlets this year.
I'm working 14 hours for the county this weekend.
I want an occasion to come up where I can wear my new black dress.
I have no idea what I'm going to wear for the first day of school though.
I need to clean and do laundry, but I don't know when I'll get around to it.

But right now, sleep is calling me. School comes bright and early now.