Erastes (original) (raw)
just keep swimming…
April 14th, 2016 (05:56 pm)
well, i’ve got the laptop out, which is progress of a sort. It’s been under a chair for about six months or so – i dislike this laptop intensely, as some of the keys stick and programmes take forever to load – eg chrome took five minutes from the click… i know i should take it somewhere and get some tekkie to buff it up,, but with the ongoing depression, the thought of finding a computer store, taking it in and then collecting it seems like an impossible mountain to climb. Hard to explain if you’ve never been there, but anyone who has will grok it. so I’ll probably just get another one with the royalty reserves.
as i tweeted a while ago, i do have a bunny kicking around in my head, or rather just a NAME of a possible book which has been rattling around looking for a plot – so i remain optimistic, or as much as i can being a veritable Eeyore. my books often start with only a title, Standish, Transgressions and Tributary started that way. I need to pick a time period next, I guess.
So, how is everyone? i’m guessing there’s a lot less of you out there, can’t really fuck off off the map for 2 years and expect people to just to waiting around, but if you are there, i’m looking forward to catching up on what you have been up to. I have very little to report, Sasha is fine, so is Lili, I lost both of the boys in the last year so that was a body blow but at least i havent rushed out to replace them. I’ll wait for Lili to go – she’s 17 now – and decide whether to get another cat. I don’t know, having a cat is binding, with sasha i could at least go places and visit people around the place but if it involves being away for a length of time, you can’t really leave the cat..
Well, i’ll keep it short for now don’t want to post once and then vanish again as i’ve done several times before. *hugs*
So you have to be called Harry?/Reading
September 19th, 2015 (02:43 pm)
According to Jim Butcher – I’m a witch. I’d like that – I would have always liked it. My birthday is Halloween, which is the best birthdate in the universe, imho, and from my earliest memories I was always convinced I had to be a witch. after all you don’t get born at one minute past midnight on Halloween and not become a witch, do you? the Universe doesn’t work like that! I waited and waited, sure that eventually someone would turn up and say, “You’re a wizard, Harry” long before Harry was even a glimmer in James’ and Lily’s eyes but no one ever came. there was no squashed birthday cake in my life. I mean, 31st July? what kind of magical birthday is that? some people get all the luck.
However, I MUST have some magical inclinations, as (as Butcher asserts in his books) electrical things simply die on me without me doing anything to deserve it. Granted, I do ride some of them hard, my playstation is on a lot, and my Laptop rarely gets shut right down, but they do tend to last. It’s other things, radiators, (only one working left in the house, so going into this winter with trepidation) coffee machines, laptop connectors – and who can forget the 12 keyboard kindles that went wrong almost as soon as I opened the parcel?
and today my kettle blew up. Just BLEW UP! no warning, just BANG. and I shopped today, so I’ll be boiling water in a saucepan for my tea for the next week and we all know that never tastes the same.
But, seriously – without PROPER MAGIC POWERS, it’s a bit unfair to have the latent magic blowing stuff up. come on, universe, cough up. powers please!
As for the reading section, I’ve finally started reading again, and by that I mean, NEEDING to read, rather than doing the whole cognative bullshit therapy make myself read which seem to have worked, despite my cynicism, who knew? for about a year I read for comfort, re-reading Jim Butcher, GRRM, Heinlein but couldn’t face anything not read before. then I started on Outlander which soured me from trying something new, to be honest as I gave up in disgust on book four. Last week I started on the Southern Vampire/True Blood series and I have to say, up to book 10, I was quite enjoying the journey.
Granted, Sookie wavers between Too Stupid To Live and Marysue, and she gets beaten up more often than I have sliced bread these days, but all in all, not a horrific read. the writing isn’t fabulous and the woman really really needs to step away from the thesaurus for gods sake. Book ten though “Dead in the family” is boring me rigid. Although I was sick to death of Sookie getting into PERIL at every available opportunity this book has been yak yak yak politics BORING yak yak yak so far and I wouldn’t mind having her duffed up again soon.
as to her relationships, I was surprised that she was with Eric, as the series concentrates on Sookie/Bill in the main, I dislike Book Bill with a vengeance and I hope to high heaven that Sookie doesn’t end up with him, I will be disgusted if she does. Eric (looking as he does in the series, in my mind) is far nicer. Funny, protective and at times very sweet. The only thing that really grates on me though, is the way he calls her “My lover” e.g. “Hello, my lover.” This may be an accepted american expression, or viking, or something, but to a Brit it means one thing and one thing only: THE WEST COUNTRY. So Eric would sound like this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6SvV95u4F0
Nuff said.
Anyway, the reason I’m burbling on about reading (which will, I’m praying, take me back to WRITING) is that I’ve decided to read some of THOSE BOOKS one “should” read. Obviously read a whole bunch of ‘em already but I’m going to start with this list http://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/what-to-read/100-novels-everyone-should-read/ and work down it. I’m starting with The Home and the World – I’ll keep you posted!
random pop up rambling
September 2nd, 2015 (10:52 am)
location: Burgh St Margaret
feeling: so so
first off – many apologies to everyone I haven’t been in touch with, which is everyone.
I tried with Outlander, I really did. I’m a finisher, normally but I just gave it up, half way through Drums of Autumn. I just didn’t CARE what happened to them – Claire was too stupid to live but did, repeatedly, despite being In Peril every five minutes. I mean, for gawds sake, she wandered out into the wood looking for her husband in the snow, alone, in her nightshirt if I remember rightly and wondered why she got Into Peril. sigh. I couldn’t give a monkey’s if they win the American Revolutionary War – which they probably will. good luck to them. I may investigate wiki to find out what happened with the daughter - I had a feeling she might come into the past, but I don’t particularly care whether I find out or not.
So now I’m ploughing through True Blood and yes, it’s not great literachoor but it’s far more entertaining and for the first time in years it seems, I’m reading something that asks nothing of me. Simply suspend disbelief and wade on in. Sookie - well, yeah, she’s half a Mary Sue in that EVERYONE in the world wants in her knickers for some baffling reason, and she does do stupid things and ends up In Peril, but she does suffer consequences and gets beat up about three times every book!
But reading has been hard for me recently, since the depression kicked in, and having a series to read every night before I go to sleep is becoming something to look forward again for me, which, believe me, is a really nice change, and somewhere nice to get back to. I actually prefer the books to the TV series – I gave up after four series of the TV thing, it seemed all a bit too intense - whereas the books are a short sharp adventure in each.
Other stuff, Lucius is a little better – I think – he’s on a high dose of his hyperthyroidism tablets and he eats a lot, so he has put a little weight on, but he’s still very thin and very quiet. I really really miss the cuddly boy he used to be. Sasha is her normal bouncy self and Lili is still the foghorn. dad’s still going, I have to go down there tomorrow to meet with his social worker for his assesssment. dreading it, tbh.
Hope you guys are all well, I have missed all the chat and gossip and scandal, and I really hope that one day I’ll be able to slide back into the stream.
xxx
Lucius and an Animals In Fiction Rant
May 12th, 2015 (06:08 pm)
I suppose I should be happy that at least I fancy blogging occasionally, even if it is only ranting.
First, Lucius. Not great news, but not lethal news either.He’s got hyperthyroidism and that means tablets for the rest of his life, probably. There is a radioactive injection which can knock it out in one hit, but I haven’t been offered that, so I’ll discus it with the vet when i go to pick up his tablets. How the hell i’m supposed to get him to eat a pill a day i have NO CLUE. He’s very savvy about Mother sticking it in his cheese/meat/egg whatever.
Also the pills are £40 a month which is a real problem, I have used the online Viovet before, so once I get the dosage sorted out I’ll research them for prices – the vets pills are horrifically marked up, the flea treatment they sold me was £27 and on Viovet was £9!!!! so, yeah. Rip off city. I know they’ve got to pay overheads and staff, but three times the price? Please justify that!
And as we are on animals (when are we not?) a short grumble about animals in fiction. SO MANY authors, including you, Diana Gabaldon, I’m looking at you!,
simply choose an animal to portray because it’s nice looking, or has a particular trait that stands out. With Gabaldon (apart from having wolves in Scotland in the Jacobite rebellion which is nonsense) it was SHEEP. Merino sheep. Perhaps she’s seen Merinos in America and thought, awww cute! (They do look like grumpy Teddy Bears wearing scarves, it’s true). BUT, they came from Spain and although they’ve been around for a while, the Spanish were hugely possessive about their animals and importation of Merinos was forbidden under pain of DEATH. So there’s no way Jamie’s sister would have had a personal flock in 1743. There was some export internationally in the 18th century BUT these were royal beasts and the king of Spain sent them to other royalty. Not some two bit laird’s sister in Scotland!
Similarly (and I partially blame Hollywood/TV for this) so many authors love Spanish horses and they pick a famous type, such as a Andalusian and crowbar them into their books. The Andalusian ’s history is fairly similar, they were famously guarded by the King of Spain and no animal was allowed out of the country except by his export – right up until the 1960s! So when I see the three musketeers galumphing around on them, i have a personal growl, particularly when they say how poor they are!
I was impressed by the new Poldark version though, poor Ross had some lumpy Roman nosed hunter to canter along the cliffs on and I was probably the only one who noticed the horse…. 
No, that’s it, I’m done with Outlander/Lucius’ Health
May 11th, 2015 (01:44 pm)
I’m done. DONE, with Outlander. Half the way through Dragonfly in Amber and I just can’t read another word. And that infuriates me. I like to FINISH series. I even finished Dune. Yes, I did, although I was nearly sick to death by the end.
But I simply can’t finish the Outlander series. It’s raising my blood pressure. There’s a WTF moment literally on every page, as Dan Brown Like, Gabaldon shoehorns a THIS IS A FACT AND I RESEARCHED IT AND YOU WILL KNOW IT TOO fact with not so gay abandon. The problem with these “facts” is that they are generally wrong—as I said in my last entry on the subject—and there’s so much wrong that I find myself checking up on every shoehorned fact just because I don’t trust her—and that doesn’t lead to restful reading. As i read mostly in bed these days, I like the experience to be restful and it ain’t, not when I’m yelling “WHAT????!!” every ten minutes.
Plus my lovely Kindle fire HD (thank you again G) which I love to pieces, is in constant danger of being thrown across the room. Perhaps one day I’ll get hold of second hand paperbacks and can try again when the only thing in danger will be the cats.
Talking of cats, Lucius isn’t well. I noticed a couple of weeks ago that his stomach was rumbling in the morning and stupidly I didn’t equate this with worms as I worm him regularly. He started to lose weight, and you know what it’s like with animals, it was gradual and one day I looked at him and realised how thin he’d become. I wormed him again and waited a week to see if he improved. Sadly he hasn’t so it was off to the vet today where I got a lecture on worming and flea treatment which made me feel like I should be a target on the RSPCA programme, then had to pay £130 for blood tests and worm and flea treatments. Serves me right. Evil pet owner.
So, he’ll get his results tomorrow, and they’ll know whether it’s anything medical like thyroid or diabetes or kidney or liver and in the meantime I’ll reworm him and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed, peeps, I lost Sevvie already, couldn’t bear to lose Lucius too.
there are no words
May 4th, 2015 (08:56 pm)
I know I should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read the pattern all the way through before starting knitting, but I never do.
I tend to knit one line at a time as the instructions go.
SO THIS!!!!!! made my jaw hit the deck. I had already knitted the first part (I’ve bolded for ease) when I got to the next part which then conflicted totally with the first part!
ARGH!
k to 11 st past first marker, bind off the next 46 st, leaving 11 st before next marker. When you bind off, work k2tog before you pass the previous stitch over, every second time, as follows: (K2 tog, k1, pass previous st over, k1, pass previous st over) until you have 11 st left on the needle before next marker.
i MEAN…. WTF?!
and don’t get me started on Mr & Mrs Mary Sue.
May 4th, 2015 (04:33 pm)
I’m finding it harder and harder to read The Outlander series. Those who follow my Tweets (which, with the depression has been the only way I’m managing to cling onto communication with the outside world) will have noticed that the books have been making me grind my teeth. It is becoming a bit of a chore to read it, which is rare for me. For my sins, I’m a finisher, I’ll struggle on!
The book seems to be interspersed thusly:
1. cute verbiage between Mr & Mrs M. Sue which sometimes includes errors.
2. research errors
3. sex (I skip these so if there are errors there I don’t see ‘em)
4. some kind of peril which generally includes errors.
The actual story is JUST about dragging me along in its wake; It’s certainly not the kind of book that makes it a “can’t go to sleep yet until I get past this bit-page turner fascination type of thing. It’s all gone a bit dull as they loaf around in France attempting to change history (seriously, have they not heard of Paradoxes?)(surprises me, they seem to know EVERYTHING else from Latin to cypher breaking to eidetic memory knowledge of herbology)
But because of the catalogue of research errors** I’ve found SO FAR (I’m a quarter of the way through book 2), I find myself doubting every single fact that’s thrown up on the page. And that’s partly because the way she throws out “research” is so unsubtle that it stands out like a sore thumb and I find myself hitting the Browser button to check her facts:
Here’s a classic example, which had the steam coming out of my ears last night.
The bed itself was an oasis of warmth and comfort, equipped with goose-down quilts, huge fluffy pillows, and Jamie, faithfully putting out British Thermal Units like an electric storage heater.
The thing is, that sentence could have easily been described without the reference to 20th century technology – and Gabaldon probably thought she was being Oh So Clever and Anglophile by including a “British” referent.
But as she’s put in 20th century references to remind us that Claire is a child out of time WHY THE HELL didn’t she check her references? Granted, the internet wasn’t around when she wrote Dragonfly in Amber (I assume, don’t know the precise writing date, but heard that Outlander was written 20 years ago) but if you aren’t sure of a fact then don’t bloody put it in.
British Thermal Units, despite the name, is more of an American scale of heat. The British never fancied it for some reason and we use the Calorie as our unit. PLUS – STORAGE HEATERS???? They weren’t implemented into domestic homes until the 60s….
It’s (almost) excusable if there was no internet, although I don’t excuse it, because pre-internet editors should have caught many of these errors—I recall with grateful thanks and respect the grilling my editor at Running Press gave me over many many many of my facts in TRANSGRESSIONS. It seems to me that the editors of the Outlander series just accepted that anything Gabaldon wrote must be fact and that doesn’t say much for them. What I don’t understand though, is why these books haven’t been tidied up and re-edited?
It would certainly save me some enamel on my teeth.
I’ll TRY not to whine about the book any more. Although I can’t promise!
**SOME of the errors found so far.
Wolves in Scotland in 1743? Nope. The last wolf was recorded killed in 1680.
Claire compares many things to chipmunks. Where would she have seen a chipmunk?
They travel from Scotland “across the channel” in about 3 hours to France. I think she forgot an entire country was in the way!
Additionally, their friend “ferries” wines and spirits across “the channel” from Scotland. Sigh.
So many more, modern euphemisms such as “do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars” which is more wrong than I can be bothered to say
knitting and there's leek soup for lunch
January 28th, 2015 (01:28 pm)
feeling: lethargic
:D
if you caught my last blog you'll get that reference. Have knitted two puffs this morning and for lunch there is roast chicken breast and buttered leeks. I'm quite obsessed with leeks at the moment - amazingly versatile and mean I don't have to use onions. I use them in casseroles, have them buttered (chop leeks into inch thick slices, add a BIG dollop of butter, close the pan and simmer for an hour on a low heat), and I've used them in a lasagna instead of the pasta which works really well!
Bear with me, this blog--as promised--is likely to be dull: knitting, food, pets, TV, films for a while, but hoping that the mere use of the blog will spark something in my brain to get me able to open Word and have a look at the WIPs I have. I have at least 3, all of which I would really love to get cracking on, but my brain is so completely empty of writing it's worrying. It's like I've never written before, and when I do read something I've written I'm often baffled "did i REALLY write that? HOW?"
When they come to make a biopic of my life, this bit is going to be difficult to film. LOL.
I watched Interstellar the other day and was entirely baffled with it. Sadly, although it was 3 hours long I felt it actually rushed some moments which was ironic. It was really a film where I thought "there's 3 hours I won't get back." I dare say it was hoping to be the 2001 Space Odyssey of its time but failed miserably in that respect. It was pretty much as baffling though and the robots were frankly silly--although quite useful -- they would have all died pretty soon without them. Silly film and wish I hadn't bothered with it.
Finally - if you use Dragon Cave could you breed some flamingos for me? Please?
voices in the dark
January 26th, 2015 (09:42 pm)
So, here I go, pulling myself up by the fingertips, slowly up the sides of the hole I seem to have been in for many many many months. I'm making no promises as to "what I'll do and when I'll do it by" but as we all know, the journey starts with a single step, and if you never make that step (even if you have to make it several times...) you'll never get to Elrond's Gaff.
So, yeah. (imagine me making an awkward motion here, like rubbing the back of my neck or something-Disney heroes tend to do it a lot when embarrassed) depression. Yeah.
It is not nice.
If you've never had it, thank your lucky stars, pray to whatever being you believe in that you'll never get it and trip happily away, keeping only to the sunny side of the street.
Never understood that phrase in reality until now.
If you have had it, well, you know where I've been. Or am. The jury is still out as to whether I've been let out or not, or whether this is merely day release for good behaviour.
Today, for the first time in - to be frank, I don't even remember, and that's the truth - I feel more like normal than I have for whatever time length was. If you get me. As you can probably tell, I'm not terribly coherent either, which is probably a side-effect of the depression and/or not actually speaking to anyone in real life other than about once a week.
I think I knew I was really ill when I just couldn't write. I don't mean writing fiction, I mean even writing in my journal. Writing Stuff Down has always been a part of my life, diaries were being written when I was a teen (I bet they were gripping reading) and I've usually written a journal in some form or other. So when I couldn't even force myself to open the laptop, or if I had done that, couldn't face opening ANY programme which invited me to exercise the fingers, I kind of knew something was badly wrong.
It's hard to explain, it was (I'm using the past tense in a purely optimistic way) like a phobia. My BRAIN literally shied away from the computer, or at least those involved in communication which meant that I wasn't emailing-hardly even IM-ing (thereby losing touch with so many friends) except when I really worked hard at it, perhaps once a week. I have no idea why my brain was doing this to me - no one's explained it to me, all I got from my doctor was "Here, have some pills" - which will be no surprise to anyone who remembers me talking about my doctor.
I was offered counselling, which I went along to - this year? No, last year (I think). It was "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy" which appears to be encouraging people to do things they used to do to break them out of the rut.
I found a couple of major problems with this. If you are depressed you LOSE INTEREST in doing the things you used to do. I couldn't write - I couldn't even read. I didn't want to go out anywhere, I didn't want to talk to people, doing anything I used to do made me feel ill so how the hell was CBT supposed to help? The other major thing I didn't get was that the course was being run by two guys who had never had depression, so I couldn't see how they could understand one thing my brain was doing.
I skipped week two I'd been told they'd send me the course notes and homework and someone would ring me to talk - but they never did so obviously I never went back. That's all the counselling I was offered - that's all that's available here, evidently. Anything else you have to pay for.
Going out is hard. And remains hard. I wake up every single morning and think to myself: "Do I have to go anywhere today?" (other than taking Sasha out, that's indelible) and if the answer is "No" which is normally is then I feel more relaxed. Even the task of posting a letter is "going somewhere" and is an Expedition. Clothes have to be presentable, cash has to be found, brave face put on etc etc. Going out has become a chore. Consequently I haven't been to see Dad since the summer - and although he no longer knows who I am, the vicious circle of guilt=depression=can't go out=guilt rolls around and around.
What's odd is I can't remember the past two years. Partly because every day has been pretty much the same, I suppose. I hear over and over people saying last year - or the year before? Was the hottest for ages and ages and I have no recollection of that. You'd think I'd remember the heat, but I really can't.
What's helped me get through? In no particular order:
1. Eating healthily (I've been eating clean, low-carb, although I've been drinking a lot so haven't lost any more weight). Learning to eat well and cooking and so on has helped me learn at last how to shop, how to eat normal portions and how to eat 3 times a day. Sounds simple doesn't it? But when you've never done that, just eaten what you like when you like, it's been hard to learn but I know now I have a habit that will last me forever.
2. Friends. Much better friends than I deserve. Elin, Henri and Gehayi, Lee. They've been patient. Never given me any pressure, just continued to stay in touch at my pace and been THERE. Never allowed to completely cut myself off, which I've been trying to do. Thank God for them.
3. Animals. Without the animals I wouldn't get getting up. Or getting up eating and going back to bed. Lili starts shouting at sevenish and doesn't SHUT UP, Lucius comes and sits on me and washes, aggressively, causing me to bounce up and down and as soon as I start to move I get a ton of happy waggy licky staffy-cross bounding all over me. Because of Sasha I have to go out of the house. Every single day, rain or shine and it's very hard to feel down when someone is this happy.
Long long story short, I feel a little better, and even to say that to myself and to anyone is a huge step forward. I did some housework today (another thing that has been ignored) although don't get excited it was like rubbing an inch of ice off the windscreen the size of The Shard. I need an obsessive compulsive cleaner, but I ain't going to go to Channel Four for one.
We'll see how things go. No promises about "blogging every day" because I've just about filled you in with "my news" for the past 2 years in one blog post. Days of "I'm knitting and had leek soup for lunch" isn't going to amuse anyone. But I'm on the way up. If you look down the rabbit hole you might not be able to see me climbing, but if you shout down, I might be able to hear you.
Hopefully.
Had a nice surprise today
August 13th, 2014 (10:16 am)
feeling: hopeful
Which makes a nice surprise in itself.
Although I have been eating low-carb all year I have had problems with giving up alcohol entirely and I'd been eating too much cheese too so I knew I wasn't losing weight. I had given up weighing myself since February and I knew I'd put on weight. In fact i was quite sure I had put all the weight back on and that depressed me quite a lot. On top of depression, very nice...
So it was a great surprise to finally being brave enough to get on the scales today to find that I hadn't put all the weight back on, and had "only" (this being subjective!) put on 17 pounds -- when I had originally lost 50, so I still feel I'm winning.
So I'm back on the low-carb now, without cheese (too much of a temptation) and I'm not going to be stupid enough to say "I can give up the wine entirely" because I know I can't - so I'm going to have some fortnightly and look forward to it.
Once I'm below where I was before I'll do a bit more celebration, but now I KNOW I can do it, and in the year I've been practising this food regime I've got it down to a fine art of 30 carbs maximum a day and I love what I eat. I've (finally) learned to eat three meals a day, I'm eating five-a-day (typical, just when they say it should be 7-10) and I've learned to have PORTIONS not make enough for six and eat enough for six. (although to be frank, the way I've done THAT is to cook enough for one each day. More time consuming I know, but it means I only eat my portion for the day, not the entire supply for the week.
So, onward and downward. :D
Chapter One of "I Knew Him"
August 13th, 2014 (10:03 am)
It's published by the wonderful LETHE PRESS (lethepressbooks.com) and the gorgeous cover is by Ben Baldwin, a man of talent. Check out his website. www.benbaldwin.co.uk
It's a gay historical (big surprise) and is set in the 1920's that rather over-nostalgic life-as-it-could-have-been idyllic idyll between the wars. The sun never set and the champagne never stopped.
Harry is at university with his friend, beautiful to his eyes and much beloved. Harry knows life's limitations regarding his sexuality but he's not really afraid of the future in that way. Mainly because he's sure the future will go exactly how he wants it.
Here's the first chapter - enjoy!
Chapter One
He walked into my study-room, and threw himself on the bed, as if he owned it. It was hard not to stare at him, so I didn't even try not to. His shirt had pulled itself loose from his flannels, displaying a delicious portion of his midriff, and the first few dark blond hairs which led downwards to some of his nicer points.
"It's a frightful bore," he said. "But I suppose there's no way around it. You'll come, though?"
He had this habit, endearing and irritating by turns, of talking to me as if we'd been having a conversation, and I'd simply not been listening for half of it. How dare I be in a different room while he was having his portion of the discussion?
I put my pen down with deliberate effect as if to emphasise that I had actually been working, rare as that was. "If I had any idea of what you were talking about, I could say one way or the other."
"The summer vac. of course. I've been summonsed home. It's loathsome. Mother knows all too well that I wanted to take you to Paris. What does Somerset have to interest us, when there are the hidden decadencies of Paris?" He stretched out, like a cat, his arms well over his head, and more of his torso came into view. It was too much for one with as little willpower as I possess, and I threw my pen down on the table, and joined him, kneeling by the side of the bed and latching my mouth onto his skin. "Mmmmm," he said, appreciatively. "That door's not locked, you know."
My tongue took a break from etching circles on his stomach. "The only chaps likely to barge in without knocking are Richardson and Gilbert. I can't see either of those two dropping dead from shock discovering a couple of queers in my study." I snorted with laughter at my own puerile wit, my mouth reverberating on his skin, making him laugh too. It was good to hear him laugh, it was a rare enough sound and one I never tired of hearing. "And I'm not entirely sure that decadencies is even a word."
"Of course it is. It must be. Look it up."
"I'm busy. You look it up."
He leaned over and pulled my dictionary from the windowsill. There was silence for a minute or two, while pages rustled and I took outrageous—but not entirely indecent—advantage of his inattention. If I were a man more given to empathy, I might complain that he found it so easy to thumb through my copy of The Oxford Concise while I was taking such liberties with his person. But then, I was doing it mostly for my own gratification.
"If you do much more of that," he said, his voice dusky with want, proving me wrong as usual, "then I’m not going to notice if the door does open, nor am I likely to care." He pushed himself up along the bed and propped himself up against the bedstead, removing the temptation of his skin, to my very great annoyance.
I reapplied my arse to my study chair, and turned to look at him. "Why does your mother want you at home? I thought she couldn't be happier when you wrote and told her you were buggering off—literally—until the autumn."
He frowned, delicate lines forming between his dark, straight brows, and he swung his legs back over the edge of the bed. His flannels were delightfully creased, and it couldn't have been just from our brief tumble. Somehow he never managed to stay crisp for more than a few minutes, and had been the despair of our Head of House from his first day at our Prep school. "She doesn't say. Just how 'jolly' it would be if we all spent part of the holidays together. Her letter made me sound as if I were five. Really." He came and knelt by my chair and tangled his fingers in mine. "You'll come, though? I promise it won't be for the whole vac. I'll make sure we get time off for good behaviour."
I snorted. "Good behaviour? You? Your family must have an elevated impression of you, if they think you are well behaved."
"Oh, they do. Mostly." He brought my hand to his lips, kissing each fingertip, his eyes closed as he seemed to be memorising each digit as he went. "A perfect little prince, that's me."
"You make me sick. And I'm supposed to play the part of your willing courtier, am I? God, what is there even to do in Somerset? Even when August comes you'll not get me holding a gun, and you are nowhere near the sea. It'll be deadly."
"Oh, there are things," he said, vaguely. Then after a silence-filled but passionate minute he said, in a husky tone. "What if I asked Gilbert and Richardson? If there's all four of us, it won't be so bad. If Gilbert takes his car at least we won't be trapped in the slough of despond. Say yes, Harry. Please, say yes. I can't bear the thought of being without you when we had so much planned together. Your mother is going to her family, isn't she? You won't be happy going to Scotland and having nothing but gillies' knees to ogle."
"Perhaps I have more than gillies’ knees, and more than ogling," I said as acerbically as I could, but he was right, entirely right, damn him. Neither of us had planned to be with our families this summer.
I sighed in mock annoyance, although I knew that he knew I'd already decided to give in, and it didn't need me to vocalise it, for his face broke into a sunny smile. "I'll write and tell her. If she wants me, she takes you."
"And Richardson and Gilbert. That's a bitter pill, two bitter pills, for any mother to swallow."
"Ouch." He pushed himself to his feet, kissed me briefly. "You are quite the bitch, Harry, when you want to be."
"And you love it."
He didn't answer that. He never did. I think he got a kick out of it, leaving me eternally uncertain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out in ebook now and in paperback soon. Please let me know if you enjoy it.
oo - lookit it's Erastes!
August 7th, 2014 (11:27 am)
location: United Kingdom,
I wouldn't be surprised if there's no one still reading this, but if you are - HELLO!
I meant to keep a depression diary, but I miscalculated because depression (thank your stars if you've never had it) tends to make you not want to do anything at all, particularly the kind of thing that's done regularly.
I meant to. That will probably go on my tombstone.
anyway - hate the first post in a couple of years to be a promo, but there you go.
Guess who's got a new book out?
No.
ME!
It's called "I Knew Him" and is published by LETHE PRESS by the amazing Steve Berman. The cover is by the amazing Ben Baldwin
Harry George Alexander Bircham: Not necessarily an infamous name in the annals of gay fictional characters…yet. But readers of Erastes’ newest historical novel should prepare themselves for many pages of suspenseful intrigue as the miscreant Bircham, a man of Wildean excesses and humours, will do anything it takes to bend Fate to his will. And that sinister will is to keep the affections and attentions of another young English lad. If accidents, if murder, are necessary, then Bircham is just the villain. Or anti-hero, as he is quite the early twentieth century charmer.
“If there can be such a thing as too much fun, this is probably it. It’s Hamlet in white tie and flapper dresses, relocated to the country-house circuit between the wars; but nobody quite acts out the roles laid down for them. This is just too good to miss.” —Chaz Brenchley, winner of the August Derleth Award and author of Blood Waters
"
Erastes's newest novel is a coup de maître , a masterful gay thriller set in the 1920s with plenty of black humor."--Steve Berman, author, editor and Shirley Jackson Award finalist
Low carb chicken broth
February 11th, 2014 (01:34 pm)
for lunch – I’ve been making a portion a day rather than a big pot, because I’d eat more if I did that. The trouble i have is the animals all want some chicken and there’s not enough for them!
260 cal FIVE NET CARBS
Butter, salted, 1 pat (1" sq, 1/3" high)
36 cals
0 carbs
Milk, 3.25%, 1 tbsp
9 cals
1 carb
tesco everyday cooking bacon 50g
140 cals
1 carb
Chicken Wing, 2 unit (yield from 1 lb ready-to-cook chicken)
50 cals
0 carbs
Celery, raw, 1 stalk, large (11"-12" long)
10 cals
1 carbs
Garlic, 1 clove
4 cals
1 carb
Onions, small, 1 slice, thin)
10 cals
1 carb
melt butter, add onions, celery, bacon, garlic fry till soft.add chicken
top up with water season to taste add herbs as required
bring to boil, then simmer for at least half an hour (I give it an hour)
before serving, add the milk or a splosh of cream and stir in.
sort of noodle carbonara egg fried thingy
February 10th, 2014 (01:00 pm)
melt pat of butter in saucepan
add one thin slice onion, roughly chopped
I added half a stalk of celery and three small mushrooms
add 100g chopped bacon (I use tesco everyday cooking bacon)
add third pack barenaked noodles
fry for about two minutes
add four eggs and stir in vigorously
add cheese of your choice to taste
serve when eggs are to your liking (I like them soft)
CARBS: 3-4, cals: 600
Films
January 31st, 2014 (12:57 pm)
I must be improving slightly, because I noticed in the last few months I’d gone from a real film fanatic to not being able to stand watching a film all the way through and I had no interest in anything being offered. There was a bit of a dearth of films I WANTED to watch, it has to be said – things like The Hunger Games and Enders Game didn’t appeal, despite my love of fantasy/sci-fi, and I generally won’t touch a rom-com with a bargepole, so I pay for my pickiness!
However I watched two films yesterday and was surprised by the vice-versa way I liked/was disappointed by them.
( The Secret Life of Walter MittyCollapse )
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-text ="gravity">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]
I must be improving slightly, because I noticed in the last few months I’d gone from a real film fanatic to not being able to stand watching a film all the way through and I had no interest in anything being offered. There was a bit of a dearth of films I WANTED to watch, it has to be said – things like The Hunger Games and Enders Game didn’t appeal, despite my love of fantasy/sci-fi, and I generally won’t touch a rom-com with a bargepole, so I pay for my pickiness!
However I watched two films yesterday and was surprised by the vice-versa way I liked/was disappointed by them.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
I’m a huge fangirl of Danny Kaye. I grew up watching his film and appearances on TV and he was a real precursor of people like Ronnie Barker and Tim Minchin and the like, those who played with words and music and had such fun with it. One of my favourite films of his was – obviously – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty- so I was naturally apprehensive about the remake. I’m not altogether a huge fan of Ben Stiller – although he impressed me hugely with Gone Baby Gone – he’s also done some huge turkeys. I was terrified he’d take Mitty and eviscerate it.
The first quarter of the film allayed my fears – it took a different slant with Mitty’s character and home life – he was a lot more responsible than Kaye’s version, looking after his mother, rather than being a burden and still living at home. The daydreams he had were cute and consistent with both his character and the tone of Kaye’s version.
However, the film took a nosedive after that and was, frankly, baffling. It seemed to be an entirely different film, apart from a song which got him on a helicopter, the fantasies disappeared entirely, rather wiping out the theme of the original idea/story/film. I DO GET that the adventure he had made a necessity for his imaginary life unnessary but as I was sitting there for a further 2 quarters of the film thinking that his adventure WAS imaginary, it sort of didn’t work.
The photography was stunning, and the message clear, but I was looking forward to a massive conspiracy romp within it, which really didn’t happen and it turned into a MESSAGE film which wasn’t what I – or possibly anyone – was expecting.
Gravity
Absolutely hugely enjoyable! This surprised me enormously, because—like Stiller, Bullock has made a few films that she’s probably wiped from her CV… I wasn’t expecting to get so sucked in, but I did. The shots of the beginning sequence were incredible. I haven’t seen any of “the making of…” programmes, so I have no idea how it was done, but it was amazingly convincing. It’s hard to believe at the end, that the film is essentially a two-hander which is rare enough, Bullock actually manages to fill the ninety minutes fully and compellingly.
If I have any niggles it was her ability to work all the dashboards as well as she did – I didn’t really catch what her job was, but I suppose all astronauts are taught more than I think there are. And the fact that she did most of the inside shots in a “demi Moore in GI Jane” underwear set was implausible. I’m pretty sure that astros don’t wear skimpy figure hugging shorts under their space suits. I think it’s more a nappy arrangement, but that’s just one niggle.
Her performance really impressed me, and she’s never done that before. I was thrilled, scared and in tears at one point. so, well done, Ms Bullock!
well, that’s it for now. Eating well, and am staying away from the scales for a couple of weeks. there’s a touch of Spring in the air, some trees have blossom buds and the temperature has crept up a tad – and I saw pussy willows in a hedge yesterday! It’s probably too early and we’ll be covered in snow next week!
eggs and plateauing
January 28th, 2014 (09:52 am)
gone back to the food diary today, because something must be wrong with what I'm doing in the low carb stakes. Not gaining, still, but been stuck for about 2 months on the same weight. granted, I'm not moving around much, but it's a horrible vicious circle--can't move much because of the weight on my legs and feet and not losing weight because I'm not moving around much.
so will go back to what I was eating when the weight was falling off, and see if that helps. Hmmm - Just looked at my menu for July and it's almost entirely the same. I'll try cutting back a bit, perhaps. at my weight, I would have thought I wouldn't have had a plateau.
*grump*
Been a rough few months
January 23rd, 2014 (11:48 am)
and I know that’s not entirely true, but it depends on perspective, I suppose. I know Being Depressed doesn’t have anything like the trauma of so much going on, and when I look around the world news – or even the local news – I know I don’t have things bad, but – well, as I say. Perspective.
But things are getting there. You’d not see the difference from outside, but as the skies get lighter, minute by minute and day by day, things SEEM a little better, even if it’s only as incremental as the daylight change.
Anyway – that’s the main stuff. ( writing wiseCollapse )
Cheyenne Press is sadly closing down, which means that "Speak Its Name" "Frost Fair" and "Junction X" were going to be homeless but the lovely Lethe Press opened their arms and said "OF COURSE we want them" which is great news, so that transition will be happening over the next year. More news when I have it.
The ONE thing I'm proud of is that I haven't put weight on. Over the past 3 months I haven't lost anything, and that's mainly to do with having too much alcohol and not controlling portion sizes. Despite many diets CLAIMING you can eat unlimited amounts of this and that, when you are a binger you know in your heart of hearts that that's not absolutely true, no matter how much you'd want it to be. HOWEVER, I'm one pound UNDER what I was in November, so that is a triumph in itself. I am no longer xx stone something, I'm (xx stone minus one stone) something (e.g into the next stone down territory and I'm NEVER going to be xx stone something again. i WISH I could admit to the shameful true numbers, but I am ashamed to be that huge.
So I am working on portion control. Something the eating plan has taught me over the past months is to eat regularly. I'm making sure I get at least five fruit and veg a day (not easy with 20-30 carbs to play with) But eating regularly is key - and now I need to cut down from eating six belly pork strips for dinner to two or three. Luckily, Low carb decreases the appetite so I'm rarely hungry - but then hunger has never been an aspect of my eating problems. A binger like me eats for something to do, and a hundred other reasons, and it doesn't matter if I'm full or not hungry. What I've learned is that I can eat delicious food regularly cooked in delicous ways with cream and butter and MAINTAIN weight, so a small tweak in the matter of how much meat I eat will start up the weight loss again. My aim WAS to lose another 3 stone by easter, but I'm pulling back from that and will be happy if I can lose one, maybe two. I may even treat myself to some Easter Eggs.
so - a lot of stuff to say, even if there's not actually much going on - thanks for listening, and I'm going to try HARDER this year and get myself back into the world, both digitally and in reality. Love you all!
Knit for Charity–NHS Blood Transplant
December 11th, 2013 (12:35 pm)
“Every day we require 7,000 units of blood to meet hospital demand, and with only 4% of the eligible population giving blood you can appreciate the need for us to recruit new donors. We are hoping this campaign will engage young people in particular to come forward and register, as they are our donors of the future.
We are looking for enthusiastic knitters to help us raise awareness of blood donation for a campaign we will be running in February 2014. We would like people to knit blood drops for us, of varying sizes to form part of our national campaign.
Email to: Amanda.Whatley@nhsbt.nhs.uk if you are interested in helping and we can provide you with knitting patterns, and further information
and visit the website:http://www.blood.co.uk/”
You had me at Yo.
December 9th, 2013 (09:04 pm)
Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag
OK – I admit it, I am an absolute sucker for pirates. I know they are not at all their romantic vision, but give me a ship and a star to steer her by or whatever the saying is, a fair wind and a lusty crew and you had me at Yo .
I liked Sid Meiers (‘scuse spelling) Pirates although I wasn’t very good at it, and playing on a crappy pc didn’t help either. This is very much like that game, although with nicer graphics and a much more immersive feel. For one thing, I end up always being the one to pilot the ship. This, I feel, is Not Very Fair. Surely the captain should be standing all brooding and macho on the Poop deck, whilst others Do The Work. But No. I have to sail the boat, do the shopping, go and earn money by treasure hunting divin’ and assassinatin’ - even leaping off at small islets to grab treasure. I’m pretty sure that when I get to the whaling sections I have to be the harpooner too. Now, I’ve read Hornblower AND Moby Dick and I couldn’t have seen Hornblower up to his armpits in whale oil and pointy sticks.
I haven’t got the Whaling Boat yet – there’s whaling ahead (Matey) and I’m not really looking forward to it. You also have to kill and skin animals to craft items, like in Far Cry 3, and I hate killing them too (except the crocodile, the bastard deserves it). It’s ironic that I have no problem stabbing people, but have qualms about virtual whaling.
It’s rather nice (and a tad sad that I enjoy it so much) that my crew cheer me every time I get back on board, but then I’d probably be too soppy a captain in real life. More Pirate! Captain than Blackbeard, I fear. I also sing along to the Shanties, which is uber-sad.
So, yeah, I’m rather loving Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag. Ubisoft have – as I mentioned before – really taken on board the horror that fans felt about AC3 and have produced a blinder. BUT – DESPITE it being huge – with TONS of interesting (rather than makeweight crap like collecting feathers) things to do there’s somethng oddly wrong – and that is (for me at least, ymmv) that I really don’t like the protagonist and his journey isn’t actually of much interest. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great plot and literally takes you all over the Caribbean (Florida is a dung heap don’t bother with it until Disney) but Edward is unlikeable. Not in the OMG I really want to smash your irritating face in, Conor, kind of way, but he’s not actually nice, not even a little bit.
Altair was proud and thoughtless, but his personal journey taught him repentance and humility – Ezio was a greenhorn the reason he remains everyone’s favourite (according to a Ubisoft Poll) because of his heartbreaking beginnings. I actually cried when that terrible thing happened to him, and I really empathised with his desire for bloody vengeance. Conor was just a twit and I think everyone hates him. He’s the Raiden of the Assassin’s Creed world.
Edward Kenway, however, is no flawed hero and he’s certainly not a rogue with a heart of gold. He’s selfish, greedy, ambitious, rude, murderous and driven (by all of the above) I’m frankly appalled at times at the things he does—such as killing the Fort Commanders who have surrendered and have even got their hands up. You get the usual “Edward didn’t kill civilians” warning if you accidently (cough cough) kill off some innocent bystander or sink a civilian ship,(oopsie) but you don’t get even so much as a raised eyebrow if you stab to death some poor bloke who is already down on the ground because you kicked him in the fork. This probably makes him a lot more realistic – we are all too inured by the lovable pirates portrayed by Depp and Bloom!
Anyway, the hell he didn’t kill civilians – he sinks boats with no thought that there might be passengers on them!
But – all in all, it’s a FABULOUS game, and such a huge pleasure to find it is, after the bloody horror of Assassin’s Creed 3. The very fact that I want to restart it NOW and i’m only 40 percent done proves that!
Progress
November 20th, 2013 (09:08 pm)
favour please? URGENT
November 16th, 2013 (11:07 am)
feeling: distressed
Has anyone got a bootleg ebook copy of TRANSGRESSIONS?
PLEASE - if you have, please can you email me a copy? I promise I won't make any judgement or complain but I'm desperate to get hold of the file.
The problem is this: I've withdrawn the book from Perseus, and I need to start editing it for re-release with Lethe Press, but I DON'T HAVE THE LATEST EDITION. The only Word copy I can find is the original unedited one, and that's no use to me at all as it was substantially edited by Perseus.
so PLEASE - email me a copy on erastes at erastes dot com and I'll be your best friend!!!
(no subject)
November 4th, 2013 (11:23 am)
feeling: sad
OK - so I haven't been around again and I apologise for that
I've hit my first major weight target - I cut the year into segments months and my target for end of October was 364 pounds (loss of 3 stone) and I made that today. THREE STONE! I am staggered that I've lost that much while still eating bacon and eggs and butter and cream and meat but also staggered that I still feel so bloody heavy (which I am, obviously) and that it's still hard to get around. No wonder I was nearly immobile three stone ago.
So I've set a new target of another 4 months and a sensible rate of 2 pounds a week (hopefully it should be more, but a lower target means less disappointment) which will take me to 332 pounds by end of February.
I realise that this is a long haul and it's going to be at least 3 years before I'm down to anything like a "normal" weight but I know I can do it and best of all - for the first time ever I'm doing it myself and FOR myself.
I had/have an issue with alcohol - I admit very freely that I like a drink once a week and giving it up is something I'm not prepared to do but after experimentation with vodka and wine I realise that I CAN'T have a regular boozy night AND lose weight (I know this is obvious, but I needed to haul it into the light and examine it) so I'm still going to have a drink from time to time, but will have to KNOW (rather than hope) that that week is unlikely to be a week I'll lose weight. It's good in the long run for when I need to sustain the weight loss - I need to know what treats will have be balanced when I'm careful not to balloon again.
dad's OK. I haven't been down to see him for a while because he simply doesn't care whether I'm there or not. It's not his fault but he's quite CONTENT which is good to see. It's an hour each way and I sit there while he sleeps or walks about and I generally come away feeling more guilty and miserable than when I arrived. I do feel guilty not visiting more often but visiting is worse.
ETA: Since I typed this (last week) I've had a bit of a tragedy which some of you (from Twitter) will already know. My dear fat furry Severus died last week.( Read more...Collapse )
Update
August 28th, 2013 (08:30 am)
Hi, hope you are all well!
Good news from me for a change – I’ve lost a further 3 pounds this week (even with a drinkie night last Friday) which has really perked me up. this means that I’m finally on the stone below which is always a good boost – and that in total in 2 months, I’ve lost THIRTY ONE pounds. Of course I have still about 200 pounds to LOSE (yes, you read that right) but I’m happy now that I CAN do it and the lowcarb seems to really suiting me.
Imagine carrying a 15 stone man with you, all day. I must have been mad to let myself get this bad. Anyway! good news.
Dad is a lot better and is eating which is great. He got so thin I was so worried – plus being so thin affected his immune system and his skin which is covered in sores, but now he’s eating seconds and thirds and they are indulging him in whatever he wants which is such a relief.
Pills have definitely helped me with the depression, but now I feel NOTHING which is worrying. I can’t feel happy or sad. I’ll stick with it a while longer and see if anything changes.
So, other than the not-writing, I’m definitely in a better place. How you lot?
Noble Romance FINALLY throws in the towel
August 21st, 2013 (09:05 am)
and not before time, either.
Email received 9 hrs ago:
To our Authors, Today, I regret to inform you that a decision has been made that Noble Romance Publishing will be exiting the publishing business. We are not insolvent, we are not going bankrupt, we simply have decided that we no longer wish to be in the business and therefore we will be exiting this business in a professional, orderly fashion. Over the next 30 days, we will remove all books for sale through all sales channels. We will continue to send monthly royalty statements out and pay all royalties owed until all payments have been collected. We anticipate that this could be as soon as October, but we do not completely control third party sales. Once this process is complete, this means that your rights will automatically revert to you per our agreement and if you need a letter confirming this, please email us and we will be happy to provide you one. We wish to thank all of you who have been good partners with us and we wish everyone nothing but the best.
I’ve asked them for that letter of confirmation and will be shopping Tributary around when received. There are great stories in The Last Gasp compilation and they deserve a better publisher
Big Damn Heroes
August 13th, 2013 (02:24 pm)
Finished the Jayne hat at the second time of trying!
My model looks very happy in it. She’s the most peculiar dog, she doesn’t mind what I put on her.
Low Carb Progress
August 8th, 2013 (04:33 pm)
another 3 pounds lost this week which sort of surprised me, but didn’t, at the same time.
By that I mean I FELT better, I am walking (a bit) better and it’s not so difficult getting up and down and bending down and picking stuff up, that kind of thing, easier to turn over in bed) BUT I knew I had gone a bit mad last weekend—had several bottles of wine and had in consequence eaten a lot the next day (although still keeping it low carb it was pretty high calorie as I mopped up the alcohol with whatever came to hand) so I assumed I’d be stationary as per weight lost. So was thrilled to find I was xxx stone 1 pound.
Only two more pounds and I can start thinking that I’m another stone lighter, always a good morale boost. I’m still not comfortable sharing that xxx number, because I’m probably the fattest person in Norfolk, or at least the one walking about – and that includes all the tourists!
So, yeah – I’ve eaten a lot this week, eaten belly pork slices two or three times a week so it really does go to show that calories have NOTHING to do with weight loss, as I’m way over what I “should” be eating in a “normal” diet, where they say I should be eating 1000 to 1500 calories a day, I usually hit that figure by lunchtime.
Total so far then 27 pounds – one more pound and that’s two stone in just over 2 months. My trousers are getting loose too, I’ve had to take the waistband in a bit—I shall keep the trousers though, so I can do the cliched “this is how big I used to be” when I apply for Slimmer of the Century. *snort*
I suppose if a slimmer person was doing this, they might not have such a speedy loss, although I’d read blogs which say they have – I’m happy with one or two pounds a week but three a week is bunce.
Hats!
August 7th, 2013 (05:37 pm)
I have discovered that hats are easy – after my disaster with the Jayne hat and a rather wibbly wobbly T.A.R.D.I.S hat – I’ve done the Fair Isle one I posted the other day and knitted in just two days – this one, a lovely Space Invaders Beanie! What’s even better is that apart from the chart on this one, I didn’t follow a pattern but just cast on 99 stitches and then did decreases at the top! I’m hooked and will be knitting hats full stop until winter – and if we have a winter like the last two, I’ll need them. Oh! and I also did a few Sweetheart Mock Cable ones—one for me and two for two friends. I think I’ll probably do a few Space Invader ones too and post to the undeserving! whether they like it or not. 
I don’t think Sasha was too impressed.
More hat pics under the cut.
sunny saturday
August 3rd, 2013 (09:44 am)
am trying to read and am not doing terribly well. Not really enjoying Testament of Youth although enjoy isn’t probably what it’s supposed to achieve anyway – and I started an M/M which I thought was historical and is turning out to be fantasy or AU. There’s too much sex in it for me, predictable pointless sex no cliche missed out, but the amusing thing is that the characters have quite a lot of loud masturbatory sex in a hansom cab.
*snort*
really?
Knitting: I’m doing a fair isle hat and it’s going pretty well:
as for Dad I’m happier than I’ve been for a while (the pills are working too, btw, more on that in another post) I went to see him on wednesday and he was… content. He still knws me and is happy to see me, and because he’s either changed his meds or he’s off his meds he’s a LOT more alert. He’s aware when a nurse is making tea for someone else and he calls out – “Yes please!”
I am a little concerned that because everyone else is completely ga-ga he can’t really talk to anyone, but then he doesn’t show any interest in chatting – although he can talk and responds when you talk to him which is better than he’s been for ages because of the drugs. He didn’t get at all upset when I left, and seems quite happy so I’m more relieved than I can express. Hopefully that will wash through to my subconcious and I can stop feeling so ghastly. He’s lost so much weight though, because he simply won’t eat – his attention span isn’t up to it – but he’s content and that’s all I can ask.
The trouble with Hexipuffs!
July 25th, 2013 (08:46 am)
Is that they breed like tribbles! (well, not exactly like tribbles but they do increase!)
I hope you can see I’m trying to keep the colour palette cool and rather sea-sidey – the bright colours such as coral and yellow are supposed to represent … well.. coral… and sand and the like. Need to have another scour of ebay to find another mega bag of scraps for a quid or two!
26 down, only about 400 to go!
day 54 and back on track!
July 24th, 2013 (12:30 pm)
Three pounds lost this week which is very pleasing. I’d been dreading the weigh-in (and had no problem leaving it a week between weighs) because I’ve been a month going up and down and staying the same. caused mainly by too big portions and pork rinds as I said before. I’ve been 2 weeks without the pork rinds/scratchings now and the weight loss has started again.
In fact I sort of cheated with the weigh because I took the first reading as 2 pounds lost, and was pleased then realised I meant to weigh myself several times and take the average – so I hopped on again to find it registered only ONE pound. Well I wasn’t having that! so I moved the scale, got on again and found I’d lost 3 pounds. Heh heh.
I’ll probably pay for that next week, but I really needed that boost after a month of OMG is this really going to work? whilst stuffing butter into my mouth at every available opportunity. Now I’m xxx stone five pounds, and so the next goal is to get below the next stone mark. It’s still a very very daunting total but the thing is, I think, is to NOT to think of the entire mountain to climb, just think of the next mile marker and work towards that.
Yesterday: Bacon & eggs, several cups of tea, cucumber for lunch (just on the go, as I took sasha out) dinner: pork chops, broccoli, Greek yogurt with blueberries. total 22 carbs.
LOVING the eating plan and as long as I can have MEAT I don’t miss pasta and potatoes one little bit.
still rocking on with the low carb
July 20th, 2013 (03:48 pm)
so just because I’m not posting every day, doesn’t mean I’m not sticking to it, because I really am! 
went to the doctors the other day to renew my sick certificate signing me off the dole and told him I’d lost 20 pounds on Low carb and surprisingly he was enthusiastic about the eating plan and obviously had done a lot of reading about it—knowing the basics and the reason why the weight came off. He gave me some prescription pills for the depression but I have to say I haven’t actually taken any of them yet.
One reason is because I am nervous of taking pills anyway and the other reason is that I think I’m feeling better, although I don’t know if it will last – and if I take the pills and continue to feel better I won’t know if it’s just me getting over it, or whether it’s the pills. I don’t want a crutch, you see. I know, I 'am making excuses but I can’t imagine that the pills will encourage me to start writing again – and that’s what I REALLY REALLY need more than anything.
Found a veg box company at last here in deepest Norfolk and the quality is very high – yesterday I got some more strawberries, some gooseberries and some raspberries, celery, spinach and radishes. One of the tweeters on the #lowcarb feed mentioned roasting them in olive oil or butter and they transform from bitter hot horribleness to yummyness so I’m going to give that a go tonight with my belly pork slices. I can’t tell you how much I love belly pork slices – and how much I love eating them with no guilt.
Going to try and get over to see Dad tomorrow, they need some petty cash for him anyway (despite the place costing £2 grand a month, he still has to pay for papers, shampoo and the like and any trips out…) and it will show my face. I know it sounds awful but as I’ve said before, he doesn’t register me being there – doesn’t get any pleasure from it (any more than he would do a nurse sitting holding his hand) although I’m pretty sure he still knows it’s me – and I always come away feeling dreadful for having broken him in the first place.
No other news, to be honest hope you are all as well as well can be!
20 pounds lost–day 47
July 17th, 2013 (08:51 am)
I’ve had a difficult time for the last two weeks – damn Mercury! First of all the weight plateaued and in fact went UP – no matter how many times I jumped on and off the scales!
I had a good think about it – and I know I didn’t cheat, I haven’t even had a drink for weeks – so I think it must be 3 things:
1. Portion sizes
2. Pork Scratchings (Rinds.)
3. Lack of exercise
The thing is that I can’t – and won’t, specially on my experience – believe that you can “eat to your heart’s content” on this plan. as I told my doctor when he originally recommmended it, I’m a binger and if you put a chicken in front of me and say “you can eat as much meat as you want” I’m going to eat the whole thing because I have no “off switch” as most normal people seem to have. So I was eating huge amounts of meat and tons of pork scratchings.
For about 2 weeks then, the weight has kept going up and down and up again, but not showing any LOSS which was quite disheartening. The only good thing I’ve taken from this is that I never gave up. Never said “oh bugger this” and had a pizza or a Chinese. Instead I carried on, cut out roasting an entire chicken in preference for cutting pieces off and cooking individual bits, stopped the pork scratchings entirely (although THANK YOU, HENRI for the sweet parcels of them, it was hugely appreciated, and for a normal person they would have worked—not someone who eats the entire six packets in two days!)
I can’t exercise, I’m just too heavy. Just walking to the car is an achievement, seriously. I’ve found some sitting down work outs so i’ll try those this week and see what the result is by the end of the week. Weighing myself Sundays and Wednesdays now.
I’m in the groove . I am pretty confident I won’t be slipping. I JUST WANT TO GET BELOW THIS HALF STONE MARK!!
Other news – Dad seems to be doing OK back at the home. I am ashamed to say I haven’t been over to see him since he came out of hospital, but he isn’t aware of me being there or not being there, and he’s happy and isn’t asking for me, so that takes some of the guilt away. I just feel worse coming away than when I go, and that doesn’t help the depression.
Depression wise, I’m working on it. I’m still in a slough, but it’s not as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago. I’m actually trying to read – although I spent about an hour yesterday skimming through the new Kindle (and all the books I’d transferred there (they are sorted into collections on the old Kindle and when you transfer them over they are all in one batch again…) and couldn’t work out what I’d already reviewed and what I hadn’t so ended up doing nothing. I’m going to the doctor’s today to get signed off from the dole for hopefully six months and perhaps I’ll ask for some pills at last.
I’m also trying to read “Testament of Youth” by Vera Brittain which was huge in the 70s’/80’s being Shirley Williams’ mother’s memories of pre-during and post WW1. But it’s proving tough to read. It’s HUGE for a start and I seem to only be able to read about a page before I can’t read any more (this from someone who used to read 2-3 books a week) and it’s so FOREBODING which I suppose makes sense because it’s dealing with the war, but i’m hundreds of pages in and we’ve known from the beginning that she’s going to lose her fiancee and it hasn’t happened yet and she hits you over the head with the tragedy-that-is-yet-to-be every few lines and it’s just Too Much.
anyway – all in all, not too bad right now. I’m managing! Thanks to all who have been in touch, I can’t tell you how much that’s appreciated.
Transgressions News
July 11th, 2013 (11:43 am)
I was contracted with Running Press for LIFE for Transgressions. Worse than life, because it was the life of the copyright which meant 75 years after my death! However, the book didn’t do as well as RP hoped, due mainly I suspect from the recession hitting at exactly the wrong point—staff were let go and we lost the team who had originally been so enthusiatic about the m/m range—and the book fairs that we were told the books would be showcased at, including RT/RWA and London, these weren’t attended in the main.
So after a few years I started pushing for the return of rights, although I didn’t think I’d get them – but I recently got the confirmation that they were happy to do it!
so, long story short, Transgressions will be reworked (not in relation to plot) and reissued with LETHE PRESS probably sometime next year!
I’m very happy about this and would like to thank Steve Berman of Lethe for putting up with me and for having such faith in my work.
ok–scales are RUBBISH
July 4th, 2013 (03:31 pm)
Although, reading through the comments of just about every scale on amazon, as many people say “great” as say “rubbish.”
I’d been hit with a major downer as the scales had me putting ON a pound each day for the last couple of days, despite me doing nothing different. and then his morning I was told I’d put on THREE pounds and I nearly cried. so then I got on them again. and I’d dropped from that weight to four pounds less. then i got on them again and another two pounds showing lost.
Sheesh. The ONE thing that a dieter needs is a reliable weighing system, even if that scale only shows a pound lost a week – one that fluctuates SIX POUNDS AT A TIME as these Weight Watchers scales did this morning are playing fast and loose with someone’s emotions and perhaps people could do something serious to themselves in despair. Not me, but it hit me very bad with this depression.
so basically I have no idea what I weigh. Obviously I’m taking the lowest reading I got this morning which means a pound lost since the weekend, but how do i know how accurate it is and how much it will go up next time i step on them. Going to Boots is pretty much impossible, as it’s buried deep in the Great Yarmouth mall – ten miles away with paid parking, so I’ll just have to cross my bloody fingers. great isn’t it?
Mercury’s in Retrograde eh? You don’t need to tell me!
July 2nd, 2013 (05:17 pm)
Well, dad’s out of hospital, but he’s so frail. He still won’t keep still – which is why he had several falls while in hospital – but the matron of the Care Home says he’s a little more steady on his feet today. trouble is—because he’s lost so much weight – lost 10 pounds while he was in hospital – he gets tired almost immediately and can’t hold himself up. He’s just not eating – one or two mouthfuls and then he won’t eat any more even when the nurses feed him. He was already doing this before he went into hospital, and being on a food and fluid drip for a week has helped me keep the habit of not putting stuff in his mouth. I don’t know what will happen, all they can do is try and tempt him with yoghurts and high calorie drinks but they can’t force him to eat and he’ll just continue to lose weight until he gets ill again, i guess.
It’s a worry, and there’s nothing I can do.
Lost a pound over the weekend, which is good. Not weighing myself until at least thursday.
Bought some glasses which were entirely FREE – which was a big surprise, i know they weren’t free last time. I paid thirty quid in the end, because I wanted a pair of sunglasses, so got the “buy one” get one free option. LOL. so something went right, anyway.
Am working my way through The Killing (US)
June 30th, 2013 (11:32 am)
which is good, in a certain sort of way – although I do hope it’s not going all Twin Peaks and we never find out what the blue blazes is going on.
I’ve just started series 2 and I’ll tell you what really annoys me about it, its that because it’s based on Forbrydelsen from Denmark they’ve got all out to copy the tone and feel of the Scandi Noir, just because (I’m guessing) Forbrydelsen was so popular internationally.
Now, I’ve been to Seattle. I was only there for a couple of days, and I was hugely lucky – they tell me – that it didn’t rain (but seeing as I came from Ireland, that didn’t phase me). I loved the place and if I were ever to move to the US – yeah, right, I’m not insane 0 that’s just the sort of place I’d choose. Outdoorsy as well as having a nice clean city. But in the Killing - everyone in Seattle, from the Governor (Hi, Jim Robinson!) to homeless kids wears unremitting black, white, grey, sludge. Sarah even stomps around in Scandinavian jumpers. Everyone drives a monochrome car. ABD IT RAINS all the time. No showers, just heavy thick unremitting rain. where are the Skittle coloured cabs that Seattle has, for a start? If I lived there, I’d be fairly pissed at how it’s portrayed, and it certainly wouldn’t want me rush to visit it!
But, good show. Just hope it doesn’t keep having twisty endings and we never get to a conclusion. The Killing can refer to ANOTHER killing, after all.
Worst. day.
June 29th, 2013 (04:31 pm)
thing that have cocked up today
1. Cant find my glasses. ANYWHERE. i always put them by the bed but not there, and not anywhere else. I’m sure they’ll turn up, but trouble is, WITHOUT glasses, it’s hard to just look generally.
2. two calls from hospital to tell me dad’s had a fall “he needs someone looking after him 24/7 but we don’t have the staff….”
3. can’t go to hospital because of 1.
4. Optician can’t see me till monday. Will have to drive there, squinting and hope I don’t get pulled over. Unlikely they can do the glasses on the day so could be “a couple of days” could be “a week” – great! whoever said “should have gone to specsavers” should be SHOT.
5. keep losing other stuff because of 1.
6. Have chest infection
7. got my first ever speeding ticket through the post. I know. I know. But I am the proverbial slug, maximum of 50 or 60 depending on the road but this time i was going 35 in a 30 zone and I saw the police van too late. I hope that everyone who was behind me going the same speed got a ticket too. Never had one before, my licence is SPOILED.
apart from that, everything’s fucking great. How’s you?
Day 28
June 28th, 2013 (11:01 am)
Wow – lost FOUR POUNDS yesterday. That’s eight pounds in six days – 20 pounds overall. 
and I ate tons!!!
Breakfast: bacon egg and mushrooms cooked in butter – white tea.
Lunch: Whole rainbow trout, broccoli, 200g of greek yogurt with fruit
Dinner: grillsteaks, greens, mr freeze popsicle
I love this eating plan.
fud and stuff , day 27
June 27th, 2013 (04:32 pm)
I’d like to extrapolate how much I’ve actually lost. another pound gone in two days – so now I know I’ve lost 8 pounds in five days.
I think, then that I can confidently say that in the 3 weeks before I was able to weigh myself I probably lost at LEAST another 8 pounds, so I’ll stick with that. It might be an under-estimation, but th1ere’s no way of really knowing. But I’m happy with that progress! It’s quite possible I could have lost 34 pounds in total, but as I don’t know—I’ll stick with 16.
terrible dream last night, I dreamt I bought a Mars Bar, two packets of Doritos and a fat coke. Now this is a combination I would never ever ever buy – not just now but even in my worst bingeing period. I like Doritos but not mad on Mars Bars (although I’d eat them if you put one in front of me) and as for full fat coke – no thank you. Don’t like the taste of it. If I had to buy a cola, it would be Pepsi, full fat or otherwise. I only drink coke zero (with vodka) because I haven’t found a carb free Pepsi for sale round here yet. So it was an odd dream, don’t know if it was my body saying PLEASE BUY ME SUGAR AND CORN or perhaps even the Coke Conspiracy INVADING MY DREAMS! *GUFFAW*
Finding the taste of food to be enjoyable in the first time for years. for lunch I had whole rainbow trout and boiled broccoli and it was delicious, really tasting simple food is amazing and it’s surprising how you forget how nice just one or two foods can be, in this world of processed goop.
Was watching the Apprentice last night-so glad the eyebrows from hell have gone-and they invented a ready meal and one of the testers said: “I wouldn’t buy this for my kids because it doesn’t come across as being a healthy option.”
IT’S A READY MEAL FOR GOD’S SAKE. OF COURSE IT’S NOT A HEALTHY OPTION. READ THE LABEL.
I’m not going to celebrate at a month, because this is for life, I’m not treating anything like reward or punishment.
Day 27
June 26th, 2013 (09:43 pm)
I've noticed some real changes. I don't like much salt any more - not that I ever did, much, I've not added it to eggs or tomato soup for years but now I really notice if I've put "too much" in a soup - which at the moment is the only way to get extra salt, and my salt levels (according to my food counter) is quite low, so I'm trying to think of ways to get extra. someone on twitter suggested beef stock and so I'll get some Oxo cubes or something (I used to love them as a kid, for a drink) and drink those. I bet, though, in these healthy times, they've got a lot less salt in them than they used to.
30 carbs today in spite of being rather munchie - I chomped on meat a lot which helped keep the munchies down. I'm out of celery and cucumber, must go and get some - and some cheese tomorrow. I've got some pork mince, eggs and with the cheese i'm going to attempt to make sausage egg mcmuffins WITHOUT the muffin! :D
Rang the hospital - got an student nurse who--although she'd been tending to dad and could tell me that he managed to eat something this morning, she didn't know anything else, didn't know whether his pneumonia was better, didn't even know he had been on Nil by Mouth a few days ago (as she'd been on leave for six days - who fucking cares?) and the nurse who was looking after him was on a break. I was at screaming point, specially as i'd been ringing and ringing and ringing for two days with no answer.
woo hoo! day 26
June 25th, 2013 (09:23 am)
I couldn’t resist today—specially with the shiny shiny scales—and weighed myself. It was daft to think so, but I’d still been doubting the efficacy of the eating plan. We are all so brain washed into thinking “hey, stop stuffing bacon into the skin of that chicken, in fact take the skin OFF the chicken because no one can eat fat like this and lose weight!” Even up to today I believed-REALLY believed this. I was sticking to the plan while still disbelieving that it works, and I can’t tell you how great it is to be proved wrong and all the (considerable) research (you know me and loving research) I’ve done on Low Carb eating was actually telling it like it is.
It shows just how dark a place my brain had got to where I had not only doubted the measurements I took recently but also these Weight Watchers scales that had told me a couple of days ago that I’d lost four pounds.
This is making a short story very long, but I expected nothing, therefore, when I stepped on the scales. In fact I really really thought that the weights it had shown before were simply nonsense, because I considered that I must be over the maximum weight and it was therefore pumping out gobbledegook. However it’s been my own brain that was pumping out gobbledegook and I think that seeing that I’ve lost THREE POUNDS in two days, (7 pounds since 22nd) has finally convinced me that I’m not imagining it, there IS hope and I CAN do this.
I didn’t/don’t think that my weight has led directly to my depression. I’ve been overweight before, and fat->obsese->morbidly obese in stages for 13 years so I’m not saying it’s the only cause. But I do think that losing the weight will help to lift the depression.
Every single thing else that’s wrong with me (and it’s quite a list) is due to one simple thing. Me putting too much of the wrong thing into my gob. It seems utterly suicidal to me that someone would allow themself to get into this position (after all, I’m very much at risk of keeling over at any time) JUST BECAUSE I eat too much. So I’m more than sure that with each pound that comes off, things will improve a little tiny bit each day.
after all—as my great Ancestor said often:-
“Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better.” – Frank Spencer
Yesterday;
Breakfast: hash as normal. Lunch: trout and a small rump steak. Dinner grill steaks and wilted greens, greek yoghurt and berries, quarter cucumber for a snack – 30 carbs in total
I know… I know…
June 23rd, 2013 (08:27 am)
“don’t weigh yourself every day” is a very good mantra. But it’s funny what depression does to you(that’s a bit of an oxymoron or whatever the term is) – I doubt everything. Not just the normal “did i turn the gas off” but as I mentioned the other day I doubt that the measurements I took were accurate and I didn’t believe the scales either. (Not thinking there were overestimating my weight, I just found it coincidental that the scale went up to xxx stone and 8 pounds and I weighed in at xxx stone and six pounds, just two pounds under the max. Hmm, I said. Don’t believe you.
So i weighed myself this morning just to confirm this—and guess what?
I’D LOST FOUR POUNDS!!!!!
so I’m choosing NOT to doubt this information—particularly as I’d read so many stories of “on low carb the weight melted off” and an Ozzie guy who is doing a blog about his weight loss is weighing himself daily and is generally losing a pound a day. Four pounds is fabulous but I know it’s because I’m as heavy as I am, it won’t last and I’ll be happy with one or two pounds a week when it slows down.
I’m definitely not going to weigh myself again for at least 3 or 4 days. don’t think I’ll last a whole week. Will let you know.
what I found VERY amusing was the scale instructions (they are glass! I was terrified to get on them) which say “don’t put anything on the surface of the scales.” I mean wtf?
missed yesterday–day 23/dad/depression group
June 22nd, 2013 (07:17 pm)
well i bought a pair of scales which amazingly go up to my weight. And it was a very very scary weight too. 3 stone more than I imagined the worst weight. Anyway, I shall weigh myself next saturday so fingers crossed.
delicious dinner today – rump steak (really cheap from Lidl) with fresh local asparagus cooked in butter all topped with melted cheese. SO delicious. Breakfast was the normal hash (never going to get bored of that) and lunch was a dressed crab and a couple of bockwurst. total today only 17! so i’m going to treat myself to some yogurt and fruit because I’m not getting enough calcium. Not getting enough anything except protein and fat, to be honest! LOL.
Went to see Dad today, didn’t stay long because he’s not responsive and he fell asleep but he’s better than he was. He’s on a normal ward and he was out of bed today- because it’s better for him to be sitting up. Because he’s not on the drugs to keep him calm he was really alert, wide open eyes which is the first time I’ve seen that for months. I’m going to speak to his doctor when he goes back to the home about keeping him off the drugs. We discussed that a while back, and as long as he doens’t get aggressive again, I think it will be better for him. Anyway, it will probably be a while before he’s well enough to get assessed for return. I don’t know whether I have to pay for his place while he’s in hospital.
as for the anti-depressant course, it was ghastly, as I thought it would be. One of the presenters was a trainee and the other one was an ex-social worker, complete with wrist beats and kalaedoscope socks. the first week concerned “what is depression” together with “what are your symptoms” shortly followed by a list of symptoms. And people who present power point presentations AND SIMPLY READ THE WORDS ON THE SCREEN OUT LOUD deserve shooting as far as I’m concerned. The whole thing is about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which basically means that to break out of the cycle of depression you need to recognise the things you can change, change them and that should break the cycle. I appreciate this BUT if you can’t be ARSED to do anything about the problems, how the hell do you start? “do something you like” – well that’s the problem, I don’t want to do anything I like. I can’t read. I can’t write. I can hardly get dressed and I don’t even wash unless I’m going out. thank go for animals or I’d never get out of bed.
It all smacks of “buck up!” which is really the last thing I need.
day 21–3 weeks!
June 20th, 2013 (01:07 pm)
still no idea of how to weigh myself (although I could kick myself, I should have asked to get weighed at the other surgery I went to yesterday) but I did take some measurements three days ago, neck, knee, wrist, etc – couldn’t do waist or hips or bust as the measure isnt big enough.
BUT – all the measurements have gone down! Of course, me being me, I immediately doubted the measurements and thought “oh, well i couldn’t have measured them accurately the first time” but all FIVE indicators are showing half an inch reduction, and I couldn’t have been inaccurate for all of them. I wish now that I’d measured myself 3 weeks ago. ho hum.
anyway! yay!
yesterday was particularly unhealthy, but very low carb, hash breakfast as usual –7 carbs, lump of cheese packet of pork scratchings for lunch – 4 carbs, ditto for dinner with a couple of strawberries – 8 carbs.
My mate Henri sent me a huge packet of pork scratchings which is just wonderful. they aren’t the Mr Porky ones either, but a more local product. Zero carb treat!
Update on the depression…
June 19th, 2013 (04:11 pm)
I had to go for a counselling session today – which wasn’t at all what I expected. Apprently the NHS don’t DO one-to-one depression counselling. That’s nice.
Instead of which this woman who said she was a depression therapist (I’m guessing that’s not a ten year medical training post) and has booked me on : (wait for it…)
a “Positive Wellbeing Workshop”
gah. Tell me, anyone who knows ANYTHING about me (even when fit and well and completely undepressed) does this sound like something I’m going to like?
It all sounds a bit happy-clappy to me. I’m betting there will be kum-ba-yaing and group hugs. and ….*shudder* improvisational mime.
and this is SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER????
shopping. ARGH!
June 19th, 2013 (12:39 pm)
There are times when I hate England, and shopping is one of those times.
I hate shopping at the best of times, always have. Being dragged around the shops with mother on a Saturday morning was like torture. I didn’t want new clothes and I certainly didn’t want a nice frock or a new coat – no matter how “that little girl over there would love it”.
I like to know what I want in advance, get out, get in the shop, buy it, get out. That’s it. Window shopping? WHY? Online shopping has been like a new world for me, the wonder of NEVER HAVING TO GO SHOPPING AT ALL is simply gorgeous. And this morning doesn’t make me think any differently.
Shop 1. “Martham Market” it was called. Big sign outside boasting fresh mushrooms and eggs. I never saw any evidence of those, and I went in expecting it to be a nice local shop crossed with a local farm shop only to find a very very tired old corner shop with one fridge of milk and cheese full of crappy stuff, shelves of odd things like colouring books, one harry potter book, and boxes of zips…. Bought some cheese and ran away.
Shop 2. The Co-op Pharmacy. Wanted: constipation cure, fibre supplement, pottasium supplement.
1. Picked up Senekot.
2. Assistant had to call pharmacist regarding potassium and he treated me like a criminal. WHY did I need it? WHY wasn’t the doctor prescribing it? No, he didn’t have any, and I’d have to get it from the doctor after blood tests.
Sigh.
3. Fibre. No, nothing like that I’m afraid – perhaps you’d have more luck at Holland and Barrett?
REALLY? I should have gone online to h&b where I could have got the lot without hassle. or being treated like a weirdo. Or having to wait TEN FUCKING MINUTES while you tried to get your till to work.
Shop 3.
a farm shop advertising potatoes, beets, eggs. I nipped out and picked up eggs (far too bloody expensive, aren’t they supposed to be cheaper than Tesco?) two bundles of rather sad wilted rhubarb. asked the man if he had beet greens (he had a ton of beets).
He said – and I can hardly believe this (as he had a customer there with MONEY in her hand)-“I might do, later. If people want the beets without the greens, I’ll cut them off.”
ARGH!!!!
films and shopping (interesting, isn’t it?)
June 18th, 2013 (11:10 am)
Watching “Exam” – film 'I’d never heard of before. Think “apprentice” with intelligent people a locked room and no rules. I think I know where it’s heading, excellent so far!
watched filmed called “Primer” yesterday, which won a shed of awards in 2004 and cost $7k to make! However, although it is obviously “the thinking person’s time travel film” I was noT clever enough to understand it, and despite having read the plot description in detail on Wiki, I still don’t understand it. It was good though! I think! LOL.
I’m out of several vital low carb things such as cheese and yoghurt and bacon. Taking doggo to Martham common later for a mad run and will stock up. I forget I can have things like cream, so there’s no need to have a “thin soup” ever again – it’s still years of conditioning impinging on the way I cook!
Have finished my sweetheart hat – and am knitting a few others for gifts, so if you get a hat through the post which is covered in cat hair and looks like a dalek knitted it, you’ll know where it came from.
Can’t get through to the hospital—he’d been moved and no one had told me (was pretty angry about that, bloody cheeky nurse told me there was no reason to let me know – charming if i’d walked all the through the hosp to get there to find he was all the way on the other side! as i write now, I’m trying to get through to his ward but the phone just keeps ringing and ringing, been ringing for ten minutes….
day 20, other stuffs
June 18th, 2013 (09:59 am)
weather glorious but I really feel like crap. Got my depression appointment tomorrow—only taken a month, and still haven’t heard from the cardiologist—and frankly the depression appointment can’t come fast enough. I know it’s not fun to read about—I have hated to read other depression posts on my LJ from others, but I suppose we write just to write, not specifically to be read. “In a black hole” isnt really summing it up at the moment. at the beginning of the year i felt down in the dumps. Now, I’d have to climb to get up to the dumps.Even though the weather is PERFECT and entirely tailored for me, 19 degrees with a nice cool breeze., I was on the beach the other day, sun shining and Sasha running around wagging her tail and being as happy as a sandboy whatever that is, and all i wanted to do was to bury myself in the sand and cry.
ok that’s enough of that, or I’ll delete the lot and that would achieve nothing.
Breakfast was mush, egg and bacon in butter as normal with a lovely cuppa.
Lunch will probably be roast chicken legs with some fruit
dinner, beef grillsteaks with greens. looking forward to that.
I can’t weigh myself, I can’t even really measure myself. I’ve managed to measure wrist, above elbow, neck, knee and nipple to nipple but the tape measure won’t go around my body – am literally more round than I am tall, which is hugely embarrassing!
Haven’t run the hospital yet, will do so in an hour – but i haven’t heard anything so no news is not bad news.
Hope everyone is well! thank you all for your support, can’t tell you how much it’s appreciated. xxx
day 19, dad, horrible histories
June 17th, 2013 (05:37 pm)
1. I’m hungry today. Had normal breakfast hash – 7 carbs, lunch – a chunky thin soup with celery, mushroom, bacon, chicken, onion, garlic 9 carbs – several cups of tea – 4 carbs and will probably have several grillsteaks tonight and a few strawberries. - that will push me up to about 35 carbs (the onion made me higher than I want to be.)
2 what are beet greens like? I mean Norfolk is the Beet capital of the world, so there must be tonnes around, although I reckon they just chip them for compost or something. they are 3rd lowest in carbs on my list…
3. rang the hospital this mornng, dad is no better and no worse, they are still doing tests to see what the infection is and they are having problems with him keeping his oxygen mask on and his canulae in. She asked if I were coming in, and I felt dreadful saying “no”… I must seem like the worst daughter in the world, but it’s a long way from here, the other side of Norwich, so it’s about £5 in petrol and £2 in parking – which from £60 a week income isn’t funny. But it does make me feel sick, not to go, even if it’s a waste of time when I do go.
4. Horrible Histories is back !!!!!!! – and I didn’t know!! Just as brilliant as ever and some of the songs are just amazing. I give you for your hilarity, Mathew Baynton doing Charles Dickens doing Morrisey doing a Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now spoof, A Rosa Parks soul song about Civil Rights and just gob stompingly BRILLIANT: “Simon and Garfunkel” Vikings which references just about ALL of their hits in lyrics or in the music. GENIUS. It’s not just me who loves this show—Al Murray and Mark Gatiss are now regulars on it. 
Day 18, Dad, etc
June 16th, 2013 (04:48 pm)
Went over to the hospital to see dad – left Sasha at home and she’s not been used to that, so she was super lovvie when i got home. Dad’s insensible and on oxygen and antibiotics. I sat and talked to him for a while, then came home. Was quite upsetting. what’s upsetting me the most is that when Mother went into a coma with her cancer—luckily she only had about a week of really bad pain—they (and i understand this is standard practice, but it’s ghastly) withdrew food and fluids and basically she starved and dehydrated to death. I still haven’t got over that, it haunts me—and I don’t think I can bear that with dad, although I obviously won’t have any say in the matter. I don’t get that doctors can kill patients in this way, but aren’t allowed to give an overdose.
Anyway – carb-wise, today has been a DISASTER. I’m already over 50. I went into Mcds drive in on the way to the hospital and got a McTasty, threw the bun away and ate the lettuce, tomato, meat, cheese and bacon. I felt smug, like I’d put one over on McD’s by having a zero carb (near enough, the cheese possibly made it 1) lunch. But I made the mistake of having a fruit smoothie.
firstly – BOY can you taste the sugar after nearly 3 weeks of low carb – it was delicious (far far too delicious) but omg so fucking sweet. and secondly – 49 CARBS!!! WHAT A MORON I AM. I should have had a fruitizz – they are “only” 25g of carbs. I do love fruit drinks. I can give up pasta, but I MISS MY FRUIT.
So, I’m assuming that one just continues after a disaster, rather than try and cut back tomorrow. day 18 eh? *proud*