!!!!!!!!!!!1's Journal (original) (raw)

12:19a

Feeling Minnesota shfklsdhjklfsdhkjlfhasdklhfsdklfhsldk.

Why am I trying to convince myself not to convince myself that I love her? And why am I beating myself up over it? Why does my mind drift to her when I'm feeling lonely? And why is she taken? Because I'm not supposed to stay here? Maybe I'm reading too much into it all...looking for meaning & purpose that isn't really there. But maybe not.

Maybe we'll stay friends when I go. Maybe distance will make our hearts grow fonder. Maybe we'll write letters to each other and attach tracking devices shaped like blinking red hearts. We'll watch their progress on an interactive map. Solid red, they'll cross at one single point just outside Des Moines, in front of a little white chapel in the land of corn & cyclones. Figuratively.

It's hard for me to want to make a home in my heart for someone. I love a lot of people in a lot of ways, but I've only been *in* love once. I won't dare update that tally until it's obvious, but she sets me at ease like I've not been set in quite some time. I want to fall in love with a girl like this. This is the kind of girl. Now I know. I'd love to say that this is *the* girl, but I can't. I'd love to break down all the walls & make it happen, but that requires certain factors that I have no control over. Certain factors that I'm certain she wouldn't change. She's doing well. She's comfortable. She's happy. She's so damn happy, and so damn cute. I can't not be smiling when I'm around her. She smiles at me & I can't help myself. I want to see that smile or one just like it when I roll over every morning to see a beautiful woman in bed next to me. I'd love to wrap her up in my arms & smell her hair & stay that way for hours.

Not like I'm ready to settle down. I just think I have a better idea how she's gonna be, now...for when I find her.

But it's probably just this lonely feeling all wrapped up in this beautiful song, which, by the way, I NEED an mp3 of (because right now, I can only find the stremed KCRW-Morning Becomes Eclectic version).

Goodnight (and, for the record, I'm going to save most of the sappy/pathetic moods for the errants...because this is the kind of stuff I don't want the strangers on my friends list to read).

*SMACKS OWN FACE*

Okay, I'm better now...now that that song is over, I mean...

Current Mood: scrambled & lonely