ESCAPE FROM HELL (original) (raw)

I will never escape. I want to kill myself. I want to die.

About Emancipation. I live with my dad and our room mate. I'm 15, (I can handle being out in the world by myself, I used to be a squatter) and our room mate will not stop hitting on me. And when he isn't hitting on me, he is bitching at me. I'm gettting extremely fucking tired of his gross shit and I am ready to leave.

I met a guy named Vincent who has an apartment in San Francisco 2 blocks away from where I live now for only $900 a month.. one bedroom, a huge bathroom, etc. My boyfriend and I would like to move in, but I need to get emancipated first. My dad says it's okay and I'd like to do it, but I need to know some details.

How long does it take? What are the requirements? Do they help pay for your housing? Where do I go to get this done? A courthouse?

thanks so much!
Phoebe

7:01 am
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Alcoholic Parent? What You Should Know http://endoflifecare.tripod.com/kidsyoungadults/id55.html

Anthony and his brother are already in bed when they hear the
front door slam. Anthony covers his head with his pillow to drown
out the predictable sounds of his parents arguing. His father's
voice is demanding; his mother's tone defensive. Anthony is all too
aware that his father has been drinking and his mother is angry.
He knows from experience that sleep will not come easily tonight.

Many teens like Anthony live with a parent who is an alcoholic, a
person physically and emotionally addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism
has been around for centuries, yet no one has discovered how to
prevent or stop it. Alcoholism continues to cause anguish not only
for the person who drinks, but for everyone who is involved with
that person.

If you live with an alcoholic, you may feel alone. But there are people
and organizations to help you cope with the problems alcoholism
creates in families.

Why Does My Parent Drink?

Alcoholism is a disease. Some people have a hard time believing that,
but it's true. You may have heard that all an alcoholic has to do is
"stop drinking," but it's not that simple. The American Medical Association
(AMA), the American College of Physicians (ACP), and the
World Health Organization (WHO) all recognize that the compulsion to
drink and the physical dependence associated with it is a disease.
Without professional help, an alcoholic will probably continue to drink
and become worse over time.

Some teens may think that drinking is a symptom of some other problem,
one they may even have helped to create. A parent might be having a
rough time at work or be out of work altogether. The parents may be
having marital problems or financial problems or someone may be sick.
Teens who believe they are part of the problem sometimes convince
themselves that they can make things better by doing things such as
working harder or moving out of the house. An alcoholic parent may
perpetuate these feelings of blame by saying things like, "You're driving
me crazy!" or "I can't take this anymore." But whatever else you believe
about alcoholism, know that this is true: your parent's alcoholism is not
your fault, no matter who suggests that it is. Alcoholic drinking creates
and magnifies these problems, not the reverse!

Denial can play a big role in an alcoholic's life. A person in denial is one
who refuses to believe the truth about a situation. A problem drinker
may blame another person for her drinking because it is easier than
taking responsibility for it. An alcoholic parent may become enraged at
the slightest suggestion that her drinking is a problem. Those who
acknowledge their drinking may show their denial by saying, "I can stop
any time I want to," or "Everyone drinks to unwind sometimes."

Why Do I Feel So Bad?

If you're like most teens, your life is probably filled with emotional ups and
downs regardless of what your life is like at home. You are learning to deal
with the world, and although you may welcome new responsibilities, there
may be lots of stuff to confuse and frustrate you as well. Even a good day
may include many moods. Add an alcoholic parent to this tumultuous time,
and you're bound to feel overwhelmed.

Although alcoholism causes similar damage to many families, each situation
is unique. Some alcoholics abuse their children emotionally or physically.
Others neglect their children by not providing sufficient nurturing and guidance.
Drugs may be involved. There may not be enough money coming in. Many
alcoholics behave unpredictably - one day you may be walking on eggshells
to avoid an outburst, the next, you may find yourself comforting a parent
who promises that things will be better. And although each family is different,
teens with alcoholic parents almost always report feeling alone, unloved,
depressed, or burdened by the secret life they lead at home.

If you are an older son or daughter, you may find yourself taking on the day-to-day
responsibilities of the household. These often include taking care of younger
sisters or brothers and performing "damage control" on a regular basis. (For
example, following certain routines to prevent your alcoholic parent from exploding
with anger because the dishes aren't done or the lawn needs to be mowed.)
The pressure can be unbearable, leaving you exhausted and drained.

It's not uncommon to hide your parent's problem or to try to make your parent
stop drinking. Some teens hide or pour out bottles of alcohol, but this never
helps. There is always more. You may challenge your parent with words like,
"If you love me, you won't keep drinking." Whether you use gentle encouraging,
scolding, or even begging, chances are that things will not change. As a result,
you may feel even worse and your parent may, too.

With all this going on, your self-esteem may be understandably affected. Families
everywhere are dealing with the same types of problems. Teens with alcoholic
parents share feelings like anger, sadness, confusion, embarrassment, loneliness,
helplessness, and pain. But help is available.

What Can I Do?

The worst thing someone in this predicament can do is to do nothing. Running away,
hiding, or pretending will not make things better for you - or for other members of
your family. Teenage children of alcoholics are at a higher risk of becoming alcoholics
themselves, particularly when they feel too tired and defeated to seek help. Reaching
out is one way to ensure that your future does not repeat your parent's past. Once
you admit that you need help with your family problem, you can take initiative. And
getting the right kind of help can improve your situation right now.

It's good to share your feelings with a friend, but it's equally important to talk to an
adult you trust. A school counselor may be able to help, or a favorite teacher or coach.
Some teens turn to their school D.A.R.E. (Drug & Alcohol Resistance Education) officer,
others find a sympathetic uncle or aunt. You are not betraying your parent by seeking
help. You can continue to be supportive of your alcoholic parent even as you try to
make things better for yourself and the rest of your family.

Often teens report feeling disloyal, like a traitor, for talking to someone outside the
family. But keeping "the secret" is part of the disease and allows the problems to get
worse. Picking one adult you think you can trust can be a good first step. It's not
disloyal; it's the most loving thing you can do for your family.

Professional help is much more available than you may think. Al-Anon, an organization
designed to help the families and friends of alcoholics, has a group called Alateen.
Alateen is specifically geared to young people living with people who have problems
with drinking. If you're not sure whether your parent is a problem drinker, visit the
Alateen Web site and take their 20-question quiz. Alateen is not only for children of
alcoholics, but for teens whose parent may already be in recovery, and it offers lots
of resources such as a guide to professional resources. Regular support groups for
teens meet across the country and can provide a safe forum for you to talk about your
own situation with people your age. Alateen is completely confidential.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) also offers a variety of programs and resources. If you
feel that the situation at home is becoming dangerous, you can call the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. And, as in the case of all emergencies,
never hesitate to dial 911.

If an adult in your life, especially a mother or father, is an alcoholic, remember that
help is all around you. You can find it online, on the telephone, in your counselor's
office, at a counseling support group for teens, and more.

Source:
KidsHealth www.KidsHealth.com is a project of The Nemours Foundation which is
dedicated to improving the health and spirit of children. Today, as part of its
continuing mission, the Foundation supports the operation of a number of renowned
children's health facilities throughout the nation, including the Alfred I. duPont
Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware, and the Nemours Children's Clinics
throughout Florida. Visit The Nemours Foundation to find out more about them and
its health facilities for children http://www.nemours.org/no/

Resources:

Al-Anon/Alateen
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
This is a support group for family members and friends of alcoholics.
Call them at: (800) 344-2666

Alcohol and Other Drug Information for Teens
http://www.child.net/drugalc.htm
This informational page by the National Children's Coalition offers facts
about drugs and alcohol, teen recovery groups, and a drug and alcohol
resource center.

Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
Alchoholics Anonymous' primary purpose is to carry the message of recovery
for alcoholics. AA has lots of good info on its Web site, including a helpful list
of symptoms of specific drugs.
Call them at: (212) 870-3400

National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information
http://www.health.org
This organization provides resources and referrals related to
drug and alcohol abuse.
Call them at: (800) 729-6686

National Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse
http://www.ncadd.org
This organization provides education, information, and help in the
fight against alcohol and other drug addictions.
Call them at: (800) NCA-CALL or 1-800-621-2155

6:58 am
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Children of Alcoholics: Getting Past the Games Addicted Parents Play http://www.doitnow.org/pages/808.html

'Family' Values

It's sometimes called the "three-generation" disease, passed from parent to children to grandchildren, like red hair or freckles.

But it's way more serious than that, and it doesn't seem to be going away.

According to the best estimates, about one in eight Americans — more than 30 million of us — are products of alcoholic homes. And the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism says that 6.6 million kids are living with an alcoholic parent right now.

What's life like for them?

Well, it doesn't look like the families in Norman Rockwell paintings or feel much like the Baileys in "It's a Wonderful Life."

More often, it's like an endless marathon of "Married With Children" episodes, where growing up is a constant struggle to cope with disappointment and stress and embarrassment.

It's a place where a kid's needs are often down-played or ignored, and family life centers on the psychological "games" of the drinking parent. Consider:

* 55 percent of all family violence occurs in alcoholic homes.
* Incest is twice as likely among daughters of alcoholics than their peers.
* Children of alcoholics are three to four times more likely to become alcoholic than the general population.
* 50 percent of children of alcoholics marry an alcoholic; 70 percent develop a pattern of compulsive behavior as an adult, including alcoholism, drug abuse, and overeating.

And no statistic can measure the psychological pain that children of alcoholics grow up with and often carry into adulthood.

Until recently, children of alcoholics weren't even considered all that different from other kids with problems. Often, they were ignored by treatment programs, which focused on the alcoholic parent.

Now that's changing. Today, professionals recognize the special problems and needs of children of alcoholics (or COA's), and family therapy has become a big part of alcoholism rehabilitation.

And treating the problem — rebuilding self-esteem and relearning to communicate and trust and love — begins with identifying what, exactly, went wrong in the first place.

The Alcoholic Family

One reason identifying children of alcoholics can be so difficult is that many kids — maybe even most kids — don't like to admit that there are troubles at home.

That's because denial can play as big a role in the life of an alcoholic family as it does in the process of alcoholism itself. When a drinking parent denies that drinking is a problem, kids usually learn pretty fast that one thing that's virtually guaranteed to cause upset is for them to talk about it — or even think about it much, at all.

The conflict that comes from denying the obvious and the struggle to keep up appearances for outsiders can trigger emotional tremors for COA's that can reverberate for years.

Common problems can include:

* Guilt. The child suspects that he or she somehow caused the parent's drinking.
* Anxiety. Fear of arguments or violence can cause constant worry and emotional hypervigilance.
* Embarrassment. The child is ashamed of the family "secret" and withdraws from friends or other family members.
* Confusion. A drinking parent's mood swings and unpredictability can cause uncertainty and inner turmoil in the child about what to do next.
* Inability to Trust. Repeated disappointments and broken promises by an alcoholic parent can make it hard for a child to trust and develop close bonds with others.
* Anger. The child usually resents the drinking parent and may transfer the anger to the non-drinking parent for lack of support and protection.
* Depression. Feelings of loneliness and helplessness are common — and almost inevitable.

In an alcoholic family, a child's need for love, support, and emotional nurturing is often minimized or forgotten altogether in the endless tug-of-war between the family and alcoholism.

And with few role models for demonstrating how emotions can be expressed positively, the child adapts to chaos in order to survive

The Family Drama

The constant hurt and confusion of the alcoholic household often reveals itself in children protecting themselves by lying, suppressing feelings, and withdrawing from close relationships.

Having learned these defenses in adolescence, children of alcoholics tend to repeat them in adulthood, usually without realizing the connection.

One leading therapist, Dr. Claudia Black, says that children from alcoholic homes tend to adopt a distinct role within the family.

Dr. Black, a COA herself and national advocate for children's rights, cites four common roles that recur in alcoholic households:

Responsible Child: Some kids assume the role of the parent, by feeding and caring for younger brothers and sisters.

Adjuster Child: Here, kids simply accept whatever behavior a drinking parent dishes out. Many hide and become quiet and withdrawn.

Acting-Out Child: Some children assume blame for their parent's drinking and deflect attention from family problems by creating problems of their own at home and school.

Placater Child: These kids ignore their own unhappiness to comfort others. Some become family clowns and try to cover problems with jokes.

According to Dr. Black, children of alcoholics can become such experts at playing their roles that they often create situations as adults where they continue to act out the family drama. This strong role identification, she argues, is one reason that many adult children of alcoholics marry problem drinkers.

The Healing Process

Probably the most difficult step in the healing process is the first one — for the child to openly identify the problem and begin to talk about his or her sadness and anger. Out of love or fear, most children try to keep family problems a secret.

Believing that they're the ones with the problem and may even be somehow to blame, children with drinking parents often hide behind a wall of denial and defensiveness.

Identifying a child of an alcoholic usually involves little more than close observation of changes or extremes in the child's behavior.

A number of behavioral signs can warn of a parental drinking problem, including:

* School absences or truancy
* Withdrawal from classmates and friends
* Frequent illness or physical complaints
* Drug or alcohol abuse
* Overly aggressive play
* Delinquent behavior
* Under-achievement in school
* Emotional distance from peers

Once a child of an alcoholic is identified and begins to confront his or her suppressed guilt and fears, the real process of recovery can begin.

Since learning about the dynamics of alcoholism is important to the process, many therapists recommend such self-help programs as Al-Anon, Children of Alcoholics, or Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Some recommend dietary changes (especially low-sugar diets), and such stress-reduction techniques as meditation, aerobics, and visualization or affirmation exercises.

Still, whatever form treatment takes, children of alcoholics need to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem — free of guilt, fear, and blame — to see themselves as okay even when those around them may not be.

It might seem like a cliché, but before any of us can ever really trust and love others, we really do have to learn to love and trust ourselves.

Pushing Past the Past

Perhaps the biggest he biggest trap that children of alcoholics can fall into is to see themselves — ourselves, since I'm one, too — as victims of horrible junk that's basically beyond our control and will somehow always keep us trapped.

That's not only self-defeating; it isn't even true.

Once you learn to see the past for what it is, past, and the present for what it is, a present, you're not going to find a good reason to be stopped by anything at all — especially mom or dad's problem or our memories of it.

Each of us may have had to grow up playing our parents' games, questioning our value, living in the shadow of alcoholism or chemical dependency.

But that doesn't mean we're stuck there. And even if we did learn to pretend that things were fine when they weren't, it's okay to stop pretending now.

How? By telling the truth about who we are and where we've been, and accepting and caring for ourselves — starting now, if you haven't started already.

There never has been — and never will be — a better time to put the past in its place. So why wait

Sidebar: If Your Mom or Dad Drinks Too Much...

Some of the things we've talked about in this pamphlet may sound familiar. In fact, if one of your parents is an active alcoholic, it may describe what's going on in your family right now. If that's the case, you're due for some good news, and here it is: There are things you can do to help clear up the problem.

Step 1: The first thing to do is to realize that you aren't alone. Millions of kids have been through the same problem and have felt the same fears. These kids (many of them adults now) have been where you are and know what you're feeling, and they know how to help.

Step 2: The next thing to do is to tell someone. If you have a cool teacher or friend or a favorite aunt or uncle, talk with them and don't hold back. Even though it might seem easier and safer to keep things a secret, what really hurts you over the long term is keeping problems stuffed inside yourself. Others understand and they can help.

Step 3: The last thing to do if you're the child of an alcoholic is to realize that it's not your fault. Your parents may love you, but your parents have a problem.

The best way you can help them is to help yourself. Call a local Al-Anon or AlaTeen chapter (they're listed in the white pages of the phone book) or write the Children of Alcoholics Foundation, 540 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10022. For immediate referral to services in your area, call the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000.

And do it now. Drinking or drugs may be your family's problem today, but they don't have to be a problem forever.

6:56 am
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Children of Alcoholics: Caged, Silenced Songbirds Children of Alcoholics: Caged, Silenced Songbirds

Written by:
Rama Pemmaraju Rao, MD - University of Alabama Medical School

Published on: 2001-06-21
Imagine a house in which a child feels that the walls and floors are constantly moving and shaking. Would anyone be at peace in such a setting? For the children of alcoholics, life can feel much this way, and it is estimated that at least seven million children in America alone have alcoholic parents.

Common characteristics of caretakers and parents that accompany alcoholism-such as denial, dishonesty, selfishness, fear, and lack of consideration-have profound and direct effects on children. In this environment, self-esteem is not able to develop normally, and the emotional energy required to live with an alcoholic parent steals from the magic of childhood. These children instead learn to create walls and barriers to honest expression, and to resist sharing their emotions and developing trust. Such roadblocks cause children to shut down their own awareness of how they feel, affecting relationships with peers, relatives, and other adults. Children are left confused and full of self-doubt as they receive mixed messages from parents who are not behaving consistently, or honestly.

Children who speak up about the problem are often met with ridicule. Many times their observations, opinions, and insights are not acknowledged at all. Because immense denial is in operation about the use of alcohol and all of the destructive behaviors associated with it, children gradually disavow what they feel and lose touch with their own sense of what feels right and true.

Before intervention or treatment, children of alcoholics are like caged songbirds. They deny their own freedom because they become used to the dysfunction of constricted feelings and to restrictive ways of solving problems and conflicts.

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