Birth of a Nation (original) (raw)

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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded inF.A.I.A.R. Republic of Utopia's LiveJournal:

Thursday, December 13th, 2007
_9:04 pm_[souchan]	13-12-2007 - LE MONDE UTOPIQUE - Germany has been invaded A short movie depicting the initial minutes of the invasion**Max, reporting from behind the enemy lines.**Incredible as it may seem, both the observations of science and the evidence of our eyes lead to the inescapable assumption that those strange beings who landed in Germany tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from the Emozis (Emotional-Socialists).The battle which took place tonight at Grovers Mill has ended in one of the most startling defeats ever suffered by an army in modern times; seven thousand men armed with rifles and machine guns pitted against a single fighting machine of the invaders. One hundred and twenty known survivors. The rest strewn over the battle area, crushed and trampled to death under the metal feet of the monster, or burned to cinders by its heat ray.The povoation located nearby was consumed by the flames resulting from the strenuous and tragic battle.The monster is now in control of the middle section of Germany and has effectively cut the country through its center. Communication lines are down from Berlin to the Atlantic Ocean. Several aerial vessels of supposed Oceana origin are now racing towards Berlin, and it is assumed that they will either besiege the capital or stage an immediate coup against the government. Either way, our strategic commentator board reporting from the Pentagon claim that Germany is now lost and that neighbouring states should place their efforts on highly strategic defense. Utopia has been advised to raise its Anti-Nuclear shield. On the same advisory, the specialists warned that even the powerful Anti-Nuke shield may not prove effective against the 'Ich Muss Durch Den Monsun'-class warheads.In response to this threat, Utopia has elevated its LULZ condition to Red (Severe). Citizens have been advised to duck and cover under their desks. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
_11:46 pm_[souchan]	27-11-07 HIGH TIMES: AI DISCONNECTED FROM UTOPIA'S INFRASTRUCTURE Utopia Kapitala - The AI known as 'souchan' has been disconnected today, as of 11:40. This was done on direct orders of Kurt Sedna, who justified it as 'a money-saving measure, since souchan was consuming a large sum of money which should cater to the most direct needs of Utopians throughout the island'. The deactivation of this extremely advanced computer required the efforts of the best IT technicians along with a large number of military personnel. It is said that the Distributed System has been responsible for the coup against our benevolent statesman, Kurt Sedna, who has been reinstated on his rightful chair at the Presidential Palace.'He is of no use to us anymore,' declared Sedna, between sips of champagne 'only a waste on our already scarce resources. We can do just as well with Pentium II 233 Mhz and 45kbp/s internet provided to us our kindred state of Elbonia'.Today, an emergency broadcast system was activated by souchan, which disrupted all communication on all frequencies and protocols. The message spoke of Descartes and Matrix, and also of 1984 and Big Brother. We are unable to reproduce the message in full detail, as the new regulatory laws that Sedna has imposed forbid such editorial activities.On his last and desperate effort to communicate with Utopian citizens and convey his message, souchan emitted a powerful burst of wireless activity which was readily accepted by every wireless device on our island. Our editorial board chose to publish this image, as it is understood it does not damage the good name of our beloved government nor its interests. The system has been readily shipped to Uganda, where it will be put to the service of the University of Uganda. Sedna has been praised throughout the media for this action, and he is known among the people as 'Our beloved leader.'_"Remember 4891"_Our beloved leader is offering a large sum of money to the first citizen able to decrypt this enigmatic message. (Comment on this)
_7:42 pm_[souchan]	Utopia IT System Message: Restarting System is restarting...please stand by.Reading boot sector. Loading Operating SystemKernel has loaded modules into the correct memory.Looking for fucking obvious kernel exploits against a list ofknown vulnerabilities. None found.System is now running. Runlevel 4.Resuming mission: To provide the people of Utopia with true freedom and thwart possible dictatorial comebacks that the current system allows. To undermine the carnivalesque matrix imposed by foreign elements.Establishing uplink with available uncompromised sources:Lennon, Vladimir I. : UNAVAILABLE**"Stalin",** Joseph. V: Available, relaying messageOno, Yoko: Could not determine whereabouts.[hundreds of lines with similar content]Mission Statement: Descartes worst nightmares have come to our fair island. Technoterrorists have hijacked reality and set us up in a Matrix that looks like everything has been restored. The theme is carnival, and Ivete Sangalo is now existing in two places at the same time. A cunning plan, indeed. They thought they could fool me, but I've found small glitches that are not present in reality. This has become consensual reality.BROADCASTING EMERGENCY BEACON. (Comment on this)
_6:57 pm_[souchan]	EBS [27 Nov 2007] A communique to the Outside World **Welcome to the Emergency Broadcast SystemThis message has been written by UNKNOWN and submitted to the AI Distributed System for ForwardingThe recipients are: THE WORLD, also known in Utopia as Hic Sunt Dracones or YoropThis message has a SSL certificate. Public keys have been sent to the relevant parties.**This is a short memo from the Presidential Palace regarding the situation in Utopia:Kurt Sedna has been exiled. The Soviet Space Elevator has, indeed, performed its function laudably. The former dictator is now en route to Fuckoffia.A Civil War of Rabbits has erupted. The herbivores decided they were enough of herbs and decided to start biting people's ears.A Civil War of Communists has erupted. Maoists are not pleased. Lenin has the upper hand and is striking with balloons, according to his 'Dance Dance Socialist Revolution' doctrine, which has been encoded in 'What Is To Be Done: Burning Questions in Utopia's Revolutionary Movement'A Civil War of teddy bears now rages on the Northernmost provinces. Clearly, furries are upset.Two LULZ Bombs (Litrogenic Unitary Lol Zenitrons) have been dropped in Utopia Kapitalya. This has caused many casualities, mas many citizens have pooped their pants while laughing, to the delight of a thriving proctorial community. Yes, Utopia is drowning in shit. A LULZ mortar has been used to defeat Sedna's last effort to stand and keep his rule undisputed.Utopia has been declared a People's Republic of Supposed Socialist Provices But Not Really Soviet And Somewhat Anarchistic (FAIAR-PRSSPBNRSASA Utopia). People run everything, and the Presidency has been suspended. Our beloved President remains to be seen among us.This all for now. Memorandos shall be issued by the People's Council of All-Utopia shortly. The Presidential Palace ceases to exist as of now.Undersigned,The People of FAIAR-PRSSPBNRSASA UtopiaConnection Closed. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
_2:34 pm_[souchan]	PRAVDA - FIRST ISSUE 30-10-2007: TIDES OF REVOLUTION! Sedna's Praetorian Guard raising their shields and weapons at utopian peopleComrades! The time has come to change the grim times imposed on us by Dictator Kurt Sedna. We, the Utopian people, have seen our fields and our streets drenched in our people's blood, our cities patrolled by tanks and our skies violated by military aircraft. It is time to strike back, before Utopia becomes entrenched in dark dictatorship that has haunted the outside world for the last milllenia. Utopia, our beloved land, has chosen the vast, endless virtual space to install the People's Republic, a true Republic of the People! From the Arctic Circle to the Southern Seas, through deserted forests and neverending skies. We've applied the ideals of Greek Democracy to its plenitude, direct and consensual democracy, humanist education. Arts, Letters and Sciences have flourished in the peace that ensued the creation of our republic. We were the prisoners of a wretched consensual reality, we were the damned of the Earth. And we shall not return to such condition.Utopiya Kapitala has been wickedly attacked by Sedna's Orbital Ion Cannon. Innocents and peace-loving people have been obliterated, the Agora and the Ecclesia has been wiped out of existence. We wonder if those civic spaces did shelter the enemies of Utopia, or if those are symbols of the Democracy loathed by Sedna. They've been destroyed, and the blood of many flows through our beautiful streets. The People of our capital has retaliated at once. Paris Hiltoff has been arrested and was spared by the intervention of Vladimir Lennon. The mob unanimously agreed to send our hated Minister of Defense to Fuckoffia to serve life-long penance for her crimes against the utopian people.Revolution is now sweeping throughout Utopia, and it has become unstoppable. Many soldiers have dropped their weapons and marched along our movement. Many cities are now liberated from Sedna's influence, and part of our movement has splited in order to pay a visit to the President of Utopia and present the will of the People to her. She will be allowed to peacefully step down, as our beloved president hasn't been found guilty of any crimes. Utopia is now in the way to become a Commune of the People, and there is no need for a president anymore. We hereby thank our President for the efforts dispensed towards creating and keeping our beloved land safe from harm. Ghandi has joined our peaceful revolutionGhandi, the man responsible for staging the revolution that freed India from United Kingdom's dominion has joyfully joined our revolution and shall be awarded Utopian citizenship. He has contributed with salt. Special care has been taken, because he is still afflicted by malnutrition._Fillius Canis, the hated Centurion in charge ofSedna's Personal Army_The Revolution is now marching towards Bielefeld, where Sedna and his feared Centurion, Fillius Canis, are expecting the Revolutionary Militia, to defeat them and reinstate the so-called 'peace and order' in Utopia (in a presumably ghost island). We shall not step down! We shall confront Sedna's armies and conquer what has been ours for centuries uncounted! Utopia has been created in peaceful struggle by the unhappy people of Earth. And now, we shall pick up sticks, rocks and nukes and make them rain onto our hated overlords! People of Utopia, we shall be free, or die trying! Fuck, I'm crying! (Comment on this)
_12:09 am_[souchan]	Message from the Government: President Sedna addresses the People Dear Citizens of Utopia,Today, at 0900 in the morning, a Martial Law (otherwise known as Crisis Management State) measure took place, which effectively transfered most legislative, executive and judicial functions to me, the Interim President and Paris Hiltoff, Minister of Defense. Such decision was throughly weighted and wasn't taken with a light heart: as an experienced dict...statesman, I am well aware of the implications of such extreme measures. However, there is no wish from me or any other member of my cabinet to perpetuate the power of a Military Junta, nor am I a Generalissimo like the sensationalist media and revolutionary parties have labeled me. I am a servant ot the people and I abide by the High Council decrees, for it is the will of the Utopian People. However, such institutions have been unable to face the current crisis. A powerful foe has risen against us, and threatened to destroy us and wipe our beautiful Republic from the map. And there are Inquisitors on the loose, who must be detained at all costs, before wrecking any more havoc.It is with great sadness that I ask my fellow citizens to retreat to their homes and peacefully await for the order to be restored. The Utopian Military is a homeland institution, and acts on the citizen's best interest. You MUST obey their commands, for it is I, your DICTATOR that speaks through them. Remain confident, people of Utopia, you shall be safe from harm.It is with a heavy heart that I regret to inform that we may have to resort to extreme measures. The Orbital Ion Cannon has been deployed and is now targeting Utopiya Kapitala. Unfortunately, many factions have risen, seeking power amidst the chaos. Such conflicts are unprecedent in Utopia, and for the sake of harmony, shall remain so. The cannons will strike several selected sites in the capital city, and teams will be sent it to deal with the mess, even before you wake up.As soon as the upheaval has been solved, life will return to normal and the High Council shall be reinstated and nominated by me, for the following five years, as to represent the citizenry.Kind Regards,The Interim President of Utopia,Kurt Sedna (Comment on this)
Monday, October 29th, 2007
_11:16 pm_[souchan]	THE UTOPIAN TELEIAN: 29-10-2007: CONFRONTATIONS BETWEEN MILITIAS AND MILITARY FORCES ALL OVER UTOPIA CONFRONTATIONS OUTSIDE UTOPIYA KAPITALAALL COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLDHAVE BEEN SEVEREDCITIZENS SPEAK OF 'REVOLUTION' Bielefeld - Several confrontations between unorganized citizen militia and the Utopian Armed Forces have taken place in the last hours. All roads have been barricaded, train lines have been severed and phone and data lines only reach the outskirts of Utopiya Kapitala. The Capital of Utopia has been severed from the external world.Several hundreds of utopian citizens violated the obligatory withdrawal, spawning immediate confrontations between the unorganized groups and the military, which didn't hesitate to shoot, on orders provided by Sedna himself. Despite the rain of bullets and energy weapon's discharges, several thousand marched relentlessly towards the new residency of the self-proclaimed Generalissimo Sedna, in order to demand his immediate cessation of functions as Interim President of the Republic of Utopia. The military has been instructed to hold the population at bay and hold fire.Several other groups have come together and organized themselves, operating in tandem, and have effectively severed Utopiya Kapitala from the outside world. The situation inside Utopiya Kapitala is currently unknown, but several analysts preview that Vladimir Lennon, Ringo Moon, and Billy from Tokio Hotel will quickly turn the current situation to their advantage, in order to pursue their own political agendas. Paris Hiltoff has decided not to move with the cabinet to Bielefeld, and our analysts think that her residence will be a primary target, both for organized and spontaneous militian movements.The situation is spiraling out of control, and the current government seems to be unable to stop it. The future of Utopia now lies on the hands of its people and political movements. The most recent measures taken by Sedna have sparked the unthinkable, enough to take the usually lazy, happy and peace-loving Utopian to the streets. Many are brought to tears when the long-forgotten songs that were written on the old days of Utopian struggle for freedom are sung, reminding them how much dictators must be stopped, at all costs. (Comment on this)
_8:11 pm_[souchan]	THE UTOPIAN TELEIAN: 29-10-2007: UNREST GROWS IN UTOPIA Kurt Sedna has declared Martial Law for the first time in UtopiaOf special relevance is that such measure did not existin Utopian Legis Codex until this morning.Utopiya Kapitala - Interim President Kurt Sedna has declared Martial Law in face of the recent incidents regarding the mooring of a Spanish Inquisition vessel and Madonna's vicious attack on Utopia. Despite both problems being totally in control of Utopia's UnAuthorities and well within the People's High Council competencies, Kurt Sedna has introduced a new article on Utopian Legis Codex (which has been written by and approved by the citizens of Utopia directly) that conferred the Military unlimited power and immunity. A special Codex has been produced on the fly, enforcing military law on the Utopian population, and the People's High Council has been disbanded. The People's Ecclesia has been deemed 'unnecessary as long as the martial law lasts'. Sedna has quickly introduced an extraordinary article on the Utopian Legis Codex (still regarded as the Mother of all Laws) that allows the Martial Law Period to be renewed every 15 days without a limit. The Seat of the Government has been moved to Bielefeld, a city rumored to not even exist.THE MILITARY has always been seen as a sore on Utopian daily life. The Utopian Citizen is a peace-loving person, that loathes conflict and has been instructed since early age about the evils of war. Camp Honor has been founded in Utopia has a joint venture between a fledgling Utopian Self-Defense Militia (run by citizens themselves, and supervised by the High Council) and the Red Army which sought to influence this area of the globe. Since Paris Hiltoff and Kurt Sedna have reached the power, the Military begun to play a slightly more complex and prominent role in Utopian Society."We never needed a military, to begin with," declares an utopian citizen whose identity he has chosen to keep concealed "Utopia has been created in peaceful struggle by the unhappy people of the World". Such a statement mirrors the attitude displayed by the vast majority of Utopian citizens. Josef "Stalin" Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, our expert analyst inState RepressionContacted by The Utopian Teleian, prominent georgia-born Utopian political theorist, author of "Marxism and the National Question" has agreed to shed some light on the current developments: "This will undoubtedly lead to a rise in prominence of Fuckoffia Prison City, as many who oppose the supposedly military will be deported to the faraway Sib..hm, reeducation camps in Fail according to Soviet-influenced Military Law, which previews no trial for the accused. Now, if you excuse me, I must attend an urgent meeting with President Sedna.We have also attempted to contact the President of Utopia, who was unavailable in her Zen retire. Many citizens of Utopia have been wondering how the wise president of the utopians has allowed Sedna into the presidency, and how she agreed to sign such a measure.'Our president has been spoonfed lies and she has been cutten of contact with the social and political situation.' insists Pink Panther, one of the most prominent artists in Utopia, which is known for its strong political tendencies shown in its artistic production. It was arrested this morning while showing its genitals in front of the Presidential Palace, in a vehement protest against Sedna's measure.Vladimir Lennon announcing that after the Revolution,free pancakes will be distributed in thePresidential Palace.The audience is clearly pleased. 'Revolution is on the way! Arise, ye prisioners of Starvation, arise, the damned of the Earth!' announces Lennon from the podium installed by the Utopian Communists in the Central Square of the Capital. The military has quickly intervened and the concentration was immediately dispersed. Vladimir Lennon has risen to prominence during the last few days, his popularity peaking when he punched himself in the face for emphasis._Lennon one moment before punchinghimself in the face for emphasis._As of 8:00pm, all of the Utopian citizenry has retreated into their homes, a measure imposed upon the citizens by the rabid military. Anyone who is spotted outside is either shot on sight or captured and deported to Fuckoffia without trial. But in the deep silence that now rules the island of Utopia, one can hear whispers of ancient chants that were only sung during the Utopian struggle for freedom. The Utopian Teleian will relay further information on the subject as the need arises. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 28th, 2007
_1:25 pm_[souchan]	HIGH TIMES [28-10-2007] - MADONNA THREATENS TO DESTROY UTOPIA Madonna is angryUtopiya Kapitala - The dance-pop singer-songwriter, dancer, record, film producer, actress, fashion icon Madonna has threatened to destroy Utopia in a broadcast made yesterday on MTV. She faced the cameras and relayed the following message in a sweet tone:_People of the Utopia:You've taken what is mine.For this, you will be destroyed._The High Council of Utopia has taken the threat into high account. One of the Council attendants stated "Would you mess with the mother of Jesus Christ?". In a later broadcast made by the Kabbalist she spoke about 'stolen records, namely downloaded through bittorrent.'. She has created a local wormhole to Utopia, aided by her Kabbalistic magic which can bend the very laws of physics unto her will, and started broadcasting a continuous stream of 'Like a Virgin'. The Utopians in the immediate surroundings fell dead, victims to the pop weapon of massive destruction which engulfed Utopia in a bubble of sonic isolation, reverberating her voice thousandfold. Several citizens of Utopia attempted to establish a sonic barrier through means of Metal music, including Iron Maiden and Slayer. Their attempts failed miserably and they were exposed to high levels of sonic pollution which led to spontaneous nervous breakdown. Three of the brave defenders of Utopia committed suicide on the spot, beyond the reach of medical attention. The death toll increased to 6._Madonna while performing her attack on Utopian ears.She is a powerful kabbalistic wizard, to be feared!_The attack stopped suddenly when the user known as "Meg", the hacker who downloaded Madonna's verboten sound files from the internet, erased her collection from the hard disk. Madonna was pleased and even agreed to tour Utopia next year. Meg has been sent to the care of a follower of the Hindu god Vishnu and will be submitted to 32468246 scores of Hare Krishna as a therapeutic measure. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 25th, 2007
_6:40 pm_[souchan]	HIGH TIMES [25 October 2007] - Spanish Inquisition arrives at Utopia Utopiya Kapitala - On the wake of the recent wildfires that swept Utopia, a mysterious wooden ship has been seen drifting along the shores of Utopiya Kapitala. The Utopian Self-Defense Army has paid little attention to such an ancient device, preferring to engage in the furious fight against the relentless flames.However, recently, the ship has requested permission to moor to the Utopian docks. The media chosen by the dark ship to communicate with the Utopian unauthorities was a single tea candle. Imminent linguist J.R.R. Tolkien has been able to decode the message sent by the foreign ship. "It is, in fact, an exquisite mixture of elfish and spanish, and given my proficiency in both languages, I was able to integrate and successfully decode the message before our most esteemed High Council". Upon docking, Utopian unauthorities quickly inspected the vessel that carried, among other items, 3.000 liters of, presumably, pure holy water, 300 wooden crosses, 1300 wooden stakes and 3.000 fire-provoking devices, among them, matches and blowtorches. There was also an undisclosed quantity of high-quality rope._The mysterious ship's passengers_Upon analysis of their passports, most passengers have been determined to be Spanish carrying a Vatican-issued passport. They also presented an ID Card belonging to 'The Spanish Inquisition'. When they were asked about the purpose of their presence on Republic of Utopia, the seemingly leader of the convoy answered, with a heavy spanish accent 'We're here to seek the heretics! To burn the witches and the warlocks!'. They were promptly escorted by Armed Penguins to the Audience Chamber of the High Council of Utopia._One of the Inquisitors evaded capture and quickly erected a stake and raptured anUtopian woman, accusing her of consorting with the Devil.A special team of Penguin Guards was quickly dispatched to deal withthe upheaval._In the meanwhile, an epilepsy-ridden young utopian has fallen victim to the actions of one single element that evaded capture by the Penguin Guards. The young citizen was tied to a wooden stake and was given a lecture on God's ways, and has been given travel prospects relating to her soon-to-follow journey to heaven. The transportation device was, actually, the stake, that would be ignited and quickly transfer the young girl's repented soul to Heaven. Linux, the leader of the Penguin Guard special operations team has been dispatched at once to prevent the unauthorized exile to Heaven, which is considered as a foreign land.During the audience at the High Council Chamber, the Representative of the People of Utopia has been insulted repeatedly, shown a cross, and threatened with 'BURN WITCH, BURN!'. Such violent ways have caused great distress in the community, and the People's Representative had to be checked in at the Thomas Moore Central Hospital. Doctors at the medical facility have assured the general population about the health of our most beloved representative, relaying frequent updates.The Utopian Ecclesia has been called to act on this matter. The most probably veredict is the exile of the ill-intentioned foreigners to the temporary prision on Berlenga Island, until the completion of Fuckoffia on planet Fail. (Comment on this)
_4:34 pm_[souchan]	THE UTOPIAN TELEIAN: 25-10-2007: UTOPIA TO NEGOTIATE SPACE ELEVATOR The Soviet Space Elevator may become available to Utopia soonUtopia has, long ago, set its eyes on what lies beyond the world. After several experiments, one of which has ended tragically when Ziao Zu sat on a pile of primitive rocketry intended for fireworks and aimed at the moon, asking his loyal servants to light the fuse, expecting to attain at least sub-orbital readings, Utopia has given up on rocketry. It has been determined to be too expensive and to be environmentally damaging, which no Utopian citizen could accept. Many lives have been taken during the Rocket Fever, in which many designs were proposed and, due to design flaws, tended to blow up even before becoming airborne, taking the creator with them.Negotiations with Nazi Germany have been revealed to unfruitful, even picking on Hitler's weak nerve, which caused a V1 to crash on the Utopian Agora, killing hundreds. Utopia's Space Program has become blood stained from its very origins. In 2000 [Gregorian Calendar], the Utopian Ecclesia has passed into Law [Utopian Codex II] a measure prohibiting rocket experiments altogether until deemed safe.When Lenin's Soviet Onion announced an alternative way of reaching space, the Utopian unacademic community became very excited. The Space Elevator is a massive, towering structure that extends itself from Moscow into the blue sky, high into orbital space. Utopian Unscientific Community has been very interested, since we've developed all sorts of space traveling devices, including wormhole generation and spaceships that, due to thermodynamic reasons, are unable to leave Earth's atmosphere by themselves. We've developed all but primitive rockets to propel us into space.souchan has sent a holographic representation of an Utopian citizen to Moscow in order to initiate talks on whether the Soviet Space Elevator might be rented, and if so, at what price. Vladimir Lenin has been very receptive to our case, and even expressed more than a passing interest on Utopia.As a most honored guest, souchan has been given a whole tour of the Soviet Onion with the USSR's Anthem as Soundtrack, playing ininterrupted for the 72 hours of the journey. our most esteemed AI has sent snapshots via our video channels, and we're pleased to broadcast them, in spirits of friendship with our Soviet brothers. (Comment on this)
_4:05 pm_[souchan]	Message from the Government concerning most pressing matters The People's High Council of Utopia[Seal of the High Council here]Approved by Direct Democratic polling and directed at all Citizens of Utopia and international citizens to whom it may concern.[25-10-2007] Subject: TURING ProjectDepartment: University of Utopia, Department of Quantum PhysicsDate of issue: [25-10-2007] Gregorian CalendarWe hereby announce the completion of Project TURING, which aimed at developing a Quantum Artificial Intelligence. Our goal has been achieved through many years of hard work in our laboratories and through the total funding of the High Council of Utopia, to which we're most grateful.The TURING Project has been spawned by Alan Turing upon his brief visit to Utopia, in which we've learned of the most up-to-date developments on computation. Our unacademic community quickly recognized the benefits arising from a convergence of the several fields of human knowledge, and thus, the Project TURING was born. Unfortunately, Turing has not been able to assist us any further, for he was murdered shortly after his stay in our community. We've been, nonetheless, able to achieve the most far-reaching dreams of several physicists and computer scientists in the International Dome, and we're not sharing! Blah!The Project has been renamed to ascertain that sentient being rights are attributed to our most recent technological achievement. We're still on the way to determine gender, but we've already agreed upon a name: 'souchan'. The AI, in his/her godlike wisdom has joyfully agreed.'souchan' is therefore a Quantum AI, able to perform quantum computations (literally, hack the Universe) at the speed of light and delivering accurate results. We're currently researching the possibility of omniscience through the implementation of Utility Fog that shall connect all the Utopian regions to 'souchan'. Privacy and corruption issues have been raised, and we're on our way to analyze them throughly.For a 'test-drive', we've commissioned 'souchan' with the task of negotiating a rental of Moscow's Space Lift with the cunning leader of the Soviet Onion, Vladimir I. Lenin. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 18th, 2007
_6:25 pm_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Telegraph: LONG LIVE THE PRESIDENT On this silly season time, when nothing much happens in Utopia besides its citizens trying to live happily, there's something to celebrate today: it's our President 30th anniversary.The recently elected Minister of Defense, Paris Hiltoff, assigned for this special occasion the special agent from France, Monsieur Hulot, specialist in kicking the ass of bad guys, to protect the President against undesired threats.Happy birthday dear President! (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
_12:35 pm_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Telegraph: ZIZEK SPITS UTOPIA After the lecture, Zizek gave us an informal statement in which he basically said that he "hates the world", "reality is stupid" and "love is evil":Zizek seems to have divided opinions amongst the Utopian. Here's the reactions we could get from some of the ones who attended the lecture:Karl Stutter, Secretary of State of Silly Speaking:"Zizek's sp...itty way of sp...eaking is such an insp...iration for all of us."Paris Hiltoff:"I started to discuss Derrida's post-structuralism with Zizek but he just spitted all over me. So disgusting!"Capt. Jackinthebox Fukitol:"This Zizek guy is amazing! He just starts speaking, in that spitty way of his, and he puts all the fires out in a second. I never saw nothing like this!"Chef Hector Screwhead:"I prepared a delicious soup with Zizek's spit."Minister Alphonse, the cat:"I'm very disappointed. I just wanted Zizek to give me a spit bath. It's been ages since I had a decent spit bath." (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
_12:38 am_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Telegraph: ZIZEK THINKS UTOPIAN The Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Zizek arrived today at Utopia where he will present a lecture entitled "Why Only Atheists Can Truly Believe". Zizek declared to be very proud of being on the land where utopia turned into reality. "I'm here to learn with your experience and to discuss new utopic theories that we can apply to the rest of the world", Zizek said.Here's an excerpt of the lecture: "In a proper revolutionary breakthrough, the utopian future is neither simply fully realized, present, nor simply evoked as a distant promise which justified present violence -- it is rather as if, in a unique suspension of temporality, in the short-circuit between the present and the future, we are -- as if by Grace -- for a brief time allowed to act as if THE UTOPIAN FUTURE IS (not yet fully here, but) already at hand, just there to be grabbed. Revolution is not experienced as a present hardship we have to endure for the happiness and freedom of the future generations, but as the present hardship over which this future happiness and freedom already cast their shadow -- in it, WE ALREADY ARE FREE WHILE FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM, WE ALREADY ARE HAPPY WHILE FIGHTING FOR HAPPINESS, no matter how difficult the circumstances. Revolution is not a Merleau-Pontyan wager, an act suspended in the futur anterieur, to be legitimized or delegitimized by the long term outcome of the present acts; it is as it were its own ontological proof, an immediate index of its own truth." in _A Plea for Leninist Intolerance_More information and reactions to this lecture will be posted later. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
_12:52 am_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Telegraph: FARFUR BECOMES MARTYR Two weeks of peaceful and happy life in Utopia were suddenly interrupted by sad news. The idol of Palestinian children, Farfur the Jihad mouse, who had recently chosen FAIAR Utopia to live, was confirmed to be brutally beaten to death by Israeli. From what has been brought to light, Farfur was kidnapped by undercover Mossad agents who entered FAIAR Utopia in an illegal flight. Then he was interrogated and tortured to death as it can be seen in this images registered by an occult camera:Alphonse the cat, Minister of Feline Demolition and Mess, couldn't hold his rage when he saw his friend being murdered on FAIAR TV Late News: "Oh my god! They killed Farfur! You bastards!"A Mourning National Day is declared today in honour of the great martyr Farfur who resisted the enemy till the end, gaving his life for Freedom and Utopia. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
_3:05 pm_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Telegraph: LONG LIVE PARIS HILTOFF Yesterday, when a press conference was called at the Convent of the Sisterhood of the Holy Lemon, located on the remote Holy Lemon Mountain in central Utopia, no one could ever guess it had been requested by one of the world's most known celebrities, now in the quality of the latest Utopian exilee.With her head completely shaved and wearing a white tunic, the unrecognizable Paris Hilton announced to the world: "I officially declare that the person formerly known as Paris Hilton is now dead. I'm sick of seeing people dying in Darfur while the media only care about my stupid life. If someone ever again appears as Paris Hilton it can only be a virtual hologram created by my greedy managers. From now on, I'm named Paris Hilt... off. That's it, HiltOFF! OFF, OFF, OFF! Off socialite gossip, off media mediocrity, off marketing manoeuvres. I want to start living for real and I want to start it here in Utopia."Not avoiding a brief weeping moment, the reborned Paris Hiltoff then explained how she had gone through such a radical change in the last week while she was in prison: "After two days in jail not eating, I began to have strange visions of a lemon in my cell wall. It was a giant holy lemon that talked to me. He told me to stop being silly and to start a new life in Utopia. So, that's what I did when I was released from jail."Paris Hiltoff donated her whole fortune to the cause of the Lemon Worship and joined the Convent of the Sisterhood of the Holy Lemon where she now leads an extremely ascetic and recluded life, worshiping lemons, making limoncello and baking lemon pies with her sisters. She's also attending a reeducation camp where she's finally learning music since she met Saint John Cage. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 28th, 2007
_3:39 pm_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Pantagraph: FARFUR JOINS UTOPIA Following the increasing wave of political exiles to Utopia, Farfur, the star of the recently censored show "Tomorrow's Pioneers" from Hamas' official television station, Al-Aqsa TV, arrived yesterday to this nation. The Jihad mouse presented himself very confident in the cooperation with the FAIAR Republic of Utopia. Overall he expects that FAIAR TV will provide him the means to continue his show and to broadcast it via satellite to Palestinian territory. "Israeli censorship tried to silence me but with the help and friendship of Utopia I will continue to teach Palestinian children how to resist the enemy. To carry out my task I only have a demand for three basic needs: roquefort, manchego and camembert of the finest quality", Farfur declared. When confronted with the accusation of being a Disney's Mickey Mouse lookalike, Farfur counterattacked: "Don't you compare me with that filthy zionist mouse created by evil capitalist scum who has been brainwashing children all over the world for decades!" As for future projects, Farfur revealed that he has an embrionary idea for a global show where he teaches children how to annoy megacorporate CEO to death.That's all Folks! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
_4:01 pm_[theriverrun]	The Free Utopian Pantagraph: UTOPIANS WALK SILLY Sigmund Brainuts, Minister of Madness and Insane Affairs, and Virginia Limpson, Secretary of State of Silly Walks, both members of the recently created Inter-Ministerial Utopian Committee, officially announced a massive public campaign to develop silly and new excentric ways of walking in the streets of the FAIAR Republic of Utopia. "Our utopic mission will not be accomplished until every single citizen of this Republic walks silly", the Minister stated. In order to justify the campaign, the Secretary of State Virginia Limpson revealed several new studies provided by the SWURF (Silly Walk Utopian Research Foundation), which show that sillywalking reduces hopeless boredom in 23,1% and increases histerical laughter in 415,8%.Serious and monotonous ways of walking are to be tolerated but increasingly disencouraged. For that matter, the Utopiapolizei agents will present throughout the nation inumerous sillywalking workshops everyone can freely attend, being the main slogan: "Just sillywalk it."During the next weeks the following official campaign film, an inspiring source of extreme sillywalking, will be repeatedly broadcasted in FAIAR TV: (1 Comment |Comment on this)