The plastic horse of the Apocalypse (original) (raw)
August 31 2011, 19:22
I like children—that's to say, I like them when they're reasonably happy, and therefore I have a vested interesting in cheering them up.
You know those little coin-operated child rides that people leave around supermarkets? Chuck a coin in the slot, and the brightly-coloured toy car or fire-engine or motorcycle starts to rock gently and make _vrrrm_-ing noises? If so, then you know how children invariably sit in them even when they're doing nothing. For a long time I've been planning to catch a child on one of those, slyly shove a coin in the slot, and watch the little cherub's chubby cheeks light up with joy as their chariot magically comes to life beneath them.
Today I got my chance.
Nipping down to the supermarket to get a sandwich, I saw a dear little child sitting on a plastic horse. So, as I passed, I winkled a Swiss franc out of my pocket and chucked it in the slot.
The horse went into Grand National mode. The child started falling off, panicked, began screaming blue murder, and had to be rescued and shoved into its mother's arms to do its wailing in relative safety.
The mother thanked me profusely, apparently thinking I'd rescued her offspring from a malevolent machine come to life of its own accord. But the child knew exactly who was to blame for its terror, and cried at me with a terrible accusing glare all the way down the supermarket concourse.