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One Week Later: Reflections from 2 Blocks Away
One week later, and five are dead, some 180 injured and an entire metropolitan area is changed forever.
We all know what happened on April 15, Marathon Monday, Patriots’ Day of 2013. Two bombs went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I saw the explosions happen from about two blocks away. The chaotic moments that ensued - and the looks on people's faces as they changed from joy to fear and grief - I won't soon forget.
The Boston Marathon is such a beautiful event. People of all ages, shape, size and ability come from all across the world to run this race. Spectators stand along the street cheering and applauding everyone who passes by, no matter how fast or slow. The point isn't how quickly you finish, but rather, that you did it! And everyone is there to celebrate your accomplishment. It is a joyous, heart-warming, feel-good event.
Being relatively new to the Boston area, this was only my second time watching the event. Last year, I saw it from an office building on Boylston Street, where I was temping at the time. This was my first time watching it up close and personal.
I was there with my boyfriend to cheer on our friend Jason, who was running in the race. Accompanied by Jason’s wife, sister and parents, we stood along Commonwealth Avenue near Hereford Street, holding signs, applauding the runners and soaking up the celebratory atmosphere on that cool spring day.
Then there Jason goes – with a smile on his face – eager to make that right on Hereford and left on Boylston to finish the last and most exciting leg of the race. Moments after he passed us by, we all hugged and parted ways. His family was heading to the family meet-up area. Kevin and I were going to stroll around a bit, perhaps find a bathroom and a bite to eat.
We walked over just a couple blocks to Boylston Street, and that’s when it happened: BOOM! It sounded like a canon and we could see the white smoke. Kevin and I looked at each other. “Is that part of marathon?” he asked me. I wasn’t sure. It could be a special effect of some sort. Then a few seconds later, and another blast and more smoke. “OK,” I said. “I don’t think this is supposed to be happening.”
There was silence and a sense of confusion. We were close enough to see the explosions, but far enough to where we didn’t know what was going on. Police in the area hadn’t yet reacted, so we thought it couldn’t be anything too serious. Then two girls came darting down the street. “Someone’s shooting a gun, run!” they shouted. (Of course, we now know that wasn’t the case, but that’s what they thought was happening.)
Some people in the area took their claims seriously and began running the opposite direction; others kept walking in the direction of the explosion; and yet others stood there in disbelief, not really sure what to make of the whole scenario. Then the sirens, lots of sirens. And shortly after, tears, lots of tears. And that’s when we knew things couldn’t be good, and a chill came over my body.
What just happened? I wasn’t sure. Like everyone else around us, we turned to our phones, but all lines were down and we couldn’t get Internet connection. We walked around, growing increasingly worried. A truck parked near the Christian Science Center had its door open and the radio on. We could hear the reports coming in: “The street covered in blood; arms and legs everywhere.” That’s when panic really set in. Jason would have been right in the area when the explosions occurred. And what happened to his family? They couldn’t be contacted and their whereabouts were unknown. I couldn’t speak.
It wasn’t until much later when I learned that Jason had crossed the finish line just 30 seconds before the first bomb went off, and that he and his family were alive, unharmed and well. That was a relief. Still, I knew people had been hurt; people had died. And as reports came in of the injuries and casualties, my heart couldn’t help but ache. I was stunned, saddened, shocked and afraid. We all were.
A little later that evening in my East Cambridge neighborhood, I heard yelling on the street. I looked out my window to see a marathon runner, still in his racing garb, crying frantically, “No! No! No!” His hands clasped his face as he paced back and forth along Cambridge Street. I can only assume he was expressing anger or had just received some terribly bad news.
Then that’s when I witnessed the power of the human spirit. An elderly man with a gray beard – a familiar face in the neighborhood – was sitting on a bench across the street. He reached his arm out, pulled the marathon runner to his side and whispered something in his ear. In what was no longer than a two-minute conversation, the elderly man had quietly consoled the other before the runner waved goodbye, said thank you and was on his way.
Indeed, the people of Boston, Cambridge and Watertown are strong. But we are stronger with neighbors at our side. Our thoughts and prayers continue to go out to all the victims of last week’s violence. We’ll hurt, we’ll heal and I have a feeling – through the strength and support of our communities – next year’s marathon is going to be something miraculous.
April 15th, 2013
I realize I am very behind in posting to my journal, and I'll play catch-up soon, but the events of today warrant at least a brief update. Details will follow, but for now, here is a statement I shared on Facebook:
The Boston Marathon is such a beautiful event. People of all ages, shape, size and ability come from all across the world to run this race. Spectators stand along the street cheering and applauding everyone who passes by, no matter how fast or slow. The point isn't how quickly you finish, but rather, that you did it! And everyone is there to celebrate your accomplishment. It is a joyous, heart-warming, feel-good event.
I saw the explosions happen from about two blocks away. The chaotic moments that ensued - and the looks on people's faces as they changed from joy to fear and grief - I won't soon forget. My heart can't help but ache for all those who were about to cross the finish line right when tragedy struck. I am stunned and saddened by the reports of injuries and casualties that have resulted from this senseless act of terror. My thoughts and prayers are with all those whose friends and family members have been killed or injured on this sad and tragic day.
Gratitude Sunday: New opportunities around every corner!
February 3rd, 2013
I feel like week after week, new experiences and new opportunities are presenting themselves to me, and I'm absolutely thrilled about it!
First off, let me say that I'm grateful for having survived my second class at CCTV. It was Edit I: Final Cut Pro X, a nine-hour workshop spread over three days on getting familiar with the Apple-based video-editing software. It was great to get caught up on technology, but this being a beginner's course, I felt the workshop was too fast-paced. I think the instructor was just so enthusiastic (and overzealous) about the subject, he ended up delving into things that newbies need not be concerned with. I went from being excited about what I was learning to being overwhelmed and lost. I think others in the class felt the same way. That said, there's an Edit II course being offered later this month, which I'm going to take just to challenge myself and to re-familiarize myself with the material again.
I'm also grateful because during that three-day workshop, I learned through one of my classmates about another offering through CCTV that I'm pretty excited about. It's a citizen journalism program called NeighborMedia. Selected journalists write about the latest news and happenings going on in their neighborhoods. If chosen, you're expected to contribute two stories a month (unpaid), but you get to take classes for free at CCTV! I've applied and feel pretty confident in my chances of being chosen as a correspondent. I'm enthusiastic about the prospects this program could bring. It would keep me in the field and even if I'm not getting paid for it, it looks good on a resume and keeps my clips recent and local - all keys to finding paid employment in the Boston area.
Now let's talk the white stuff. Sometimes snow can be wet, ugly and crappy, but then there are times when the snow is perfect - soft, gentle and beautiful. And in those moments when the snow is perfect, and as it gracefully drifts toward you and onto your eyelashes, you realize just how truly wonderful snow can be. It's in these moments when you're reminded why winter can be a magical season. And it's moments like these when you're reminded that the experience of snow is something to be grateful for - especially if you're a desert rat finding himself in a new environment. Snow isn't always great, but it can be lovely, and I'm grateful to be experiencing it.
Unrelated to opportunities and experiences is the momentary boosting of one's self esteem. Earlier this week at work, I rang up two young gay men of Latino descent. They were speaking in Spanish, and presuming I didn't understand what they were saying, one said to the other that I was "lindo," which means beautiful. It made me smile and blush. Even though Kevin showers me in compliments all the time, I'll admit it is nice to hear such flattery come from a stranger, even if - and perhaps especially if - it's in another language!
In a week where I thought there wouldn't be much to be thankful for, it turns out there was! Happy Gratitude!
Gratitude Sunday: It's the little things
January 27th, 2013
First, I should note that these Gratitude Sunday posts have really been helping me. Even the week is negative, it's nice to lift oneself up by reflecting solely on the positive. Surely changes one perspective, which is what the point of all these posts has been!
In my previous GS posts, I've tended to focus on an overarching theme. This week, there have been tons of little things for which to be grateful, and so I'd like to tick them off right now.
- My first class! I took my first class through Cambridge Community Television this week! It was a three-hour workshop on how to use the field cameras available for use through the station. Basic use is pretty simple, but for professional purposes, things seem a bit complex. I'm going to have to toy around with them just to figure out what all the buttons and configurations do exactly. I'm a little overwhelmed by the advances of technology made in the past decade-plus. When I was in my teens, I always seemed to be recording things with the camcorder. Now I'm afraid to touch one. I'm hoping I get over my advanced age and the accompanying fear of technology, so that I'm able to be comfortable and skillful with all this new equipment. Whatever happened to floppy disks and VHS tapes??
- Cold be-gone! I feel like I've been sick more times in the past year than I've been in the past several years total. For the past few months, it's been happening once a month and it just happened again! Fortunately, after about two weeks of sneezing and coughing and feeling icky, I can confidently say that I'm kicking this cold to the curb! I hate the way being sick makes me feel - and I especially hate coughing up that gross mucus stuff. It is sooo gross! But I'm at the point where I'm feeling substantially better, and I'm just hoping I don't get sick again for a long time to come!
- Candle comfort! A few years ago, I discovered the magic of scented candles. They really can bring relaxation to one's senses. Usually, I go for pumpkin- and autumnal-scented candles. I also like clean and airy types of candles, such as ones that smell of clean laundry or the ocean breeze. But lately, there's a scented candle that's been capturing my attention whenever I pass it in store aisles, and that's one that smells like a pine tree! I like it because, obviously, it smells like a Christmas tree - and also, it evokes the aromas of nature and the great outdoors. Buying a regular-sized candle at this point is out of our price range, but I did find a small - very tiny - pine tree candle at the grocery store for only a dollar-something, and decided to get it. That little thing did the trick and covered the condo in Christmas tree contentment for a couple of days!
- Kevin's culinary offerings! Y'all know I love food - perhaps a little too much. Kevin knows this, too, and this week, he surprised me with two fast food treats that hit the proverbial spot. Earlier in the week, he brought home Taco Bell, which I haven't had in FOREVER. It's not usually a place I eat at, but after devouring six tacos from there, I'm wondering why I don't eat there more often? It's kinda gross and kinda good at the same time. I can't figure it out, but I might be making a run for the border more often! And then the other night, I came home from work to find Kevin had picked up a pizza from Aram's. I had been craving pizza that night, and almost popped in to grab a pizza on my way home. Good thing I didn't, but goes to show, good and hungry minds think alike! Thanks, Kevin!
- Wee with the Wii! I'm not much of a gamer. I'm very casual when it comes to video games, and my attention span when it comes to playing them is quite short. But Kevin and I have had some fun this week playing some games on the Wii here and there. It'll probably be a long time before I play again, but it's nice to have our selection of games for when the mood strikes. Funny how when I was young, I could sit in front of my SNES for hours all summer long and not get bored of playing it. I kinda miss those days.
- Grandma. The 22nd marked the third anniversary of my grandmother's death. I still think about her every day and it's hard to believe she's gone. I still talk to her in my own way and miss her dearly. I love you, Grandma.
- Employee of the Month. Congratulations ... to me! for being named Employee of the Month for the month of December. It was just announced and posted on the wall at work this week. I knew it was coming, because I had been told so a few weeks ago, but now it's been made official. It's nice to be recognized for my efforts at the store, and if I do say so myself, it's about time!
Gratitude Sunday: Making a house a home
January 20th, 2013
"Where we love is home ..."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
What a relief it's been to know that Kevin and I will be staying in our current apartment another year. The decision to do so certainly eliminates any unnecessary instability with that regard. Now that we've decided to stay, we can finally invest in making our house feel more like a home.
I've told Kevin this before, and I'll tell you it now. Boston does not feel like home to me. I love it here - I absolutely do - but when I speak of "home," I'm usually referring to Arizona. Sure, there's a lot of things about that place that I don't like (politics, heat, guns, cars, suburbia, mediocrity - just to name a few). But being away, I've learned to appreciate more about it. My roots are all in Arizona, and whether I like it or not, that place shaped me. Though I mostly prefer the lifestyle Boston offers, the cultural differences between New England and the Southwest create just enough of a disconnect that has been difficult for me to cross.
Now Kevin on the other hand is already calling Boston home. He was born and raised in Georgia until the age of 18, when he moved to Colorado. He was there for about four or five years before moving to Arizona, which is where he met me. It's strange: I don't think Kevin is as sentimental as I am about certain things, but he seems to grow more emotionally attached to particular places than I do - this despite his seeming accustomedness to moving around substantially more than I have.
Nevertheless, it became apparent - after our decision was made - that we needed to invest in making our apartment feel less like an apartment and more like a home. (Technically, it's a condo, I suppose, but we rent it, so the term "apartment" seems more fitting.) For too long, the place has felt like a temporary or transitional space - and understandably so given the instability of last year. But now we can - and should - make the place feel a little more home-like. Sure, we can't spend a lot of money to do so, but there are some personal touches we can add to make the place feel more like "us," which is exactly what I spent the past week doing.
This past week, Kevin was out of town visiting family back in AZ. I wanted to make sure the place really did feel like home upon his return. So for much of the past seven days or so, I was out and about at stores looking for affordable fixes for sprucing up the home. Among my finds were a collection of black picture frames, a white pitcher/vase for the kitchen, a chic chalkboard for the entryway, and a black and white thingamajigger to put on top of the fridge. I also took our existing wall art and some important pieces of memorabilia and hung them to create some nice gallery areas on what once were empty walls. I then dug through some of Kevin's old photos and found a really nice one of his entire family and framed that and set it on the shelf for him so he could see when he got home. All of this brightened up the place (while adding some superfluous holes to the walls - oops) at a relatively low price.
The outcome was most desirable. When Kevin got home from his trip to Phoenix, some of the first words out of his mouth were: "Wow, the place feels more like a home and less like an apartment. I can tell you worked really hard to make the place feel cozy. The personal touches really help. I want to do more!" That's not verbatim, of course, but it was something to that effect. It let me know that my hard work and creative juices paid off. Though Boston has yet to feel like home to me, at least our place is starting to feel like home. And now that Kevin is home from Phoenix, the love, investments and memories we make here will assuredly assist in making our abode feel like it's a place worth staying for a while. I can't wait to see what kinds of memories Kevin and I will make this week. I'm so glad he's back, and so glad our place is finally feeling like us!
That's what I'm grateful for this week.
I'm also grateful for:
- Hanging out with Bukky. She's a gal I met through my primary temping gig last year. She's been in the same boat as me - educated, experienced, but can't find work in her field. She's a great gal to talk to, catch up with and vent with! Since Kevin was gone this week, I had some extra social time and made sure to meet up with Bukky at Starbucks on Newbury on Tuesday. It was a nice time, and I really should make it a point to meet up with her more often!
Gratitude Sunday: Important decisions and the promise of tomorrow
January 13th, 2013
"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for."
-- William G.T. Shedd
The proverbial "they" say life is about taking risks. If happiness is the desired outcome, you have to sometimes step out of your comfort zone and do things that aren't always logical. Kevin and I did just that when we moved to Boston 15 months ago.
I took another risk this week - one that could hinder our financial situation, but in the long run, could very well be worth it.
I believe I've mentioned before that my bosses at my workplace expressed interest in promoting me to a managerial position. It wasn't a guaranteed thing, but it sounded relatively certain. Afterall, they were the ones who approached me about applying for the job. Other associates had thrown their name in the hat, but they weren't selected like I was. One didn't really want the job and the other wasn't going to get it any way. My only real competition, I felt, was an associate from another store - and even still, it sounded like my supervisors wanted to hire from within. While I had already sat down with my higher-ups for an hour-long conversation about my qualifications for the position, I had yet to have a formal interview. In fact, it's now been 10 or so weeks since I was first approached about the job and still, no interview. I reckon the retail holiday season just isn't a good time to deal with such matters, but two-plus months sure allows one time to think - and this past week especially, I did an awful lot of thinkin'.
On Monday, I attended an orientation for Cambridge Community Television. CCTV is a nationally recognized community media center that serves as the voice and vision of residents, businesses and organizations in the city. CCTV provides tools and training to its members in order to foster free speech and creative expression. The local cable access channel and website involves people from across Cambridge as producers and viewers of media that is informative, engaging and as diverse as the community itself. A variety of multimedia classes and workshops are offered at low costs and cover a number of topics including video editing and recording, audio, lighting, blogging, photo and image editing, mobile phone reporting, documentary film-making, digital storytelling and set production. For someone who was into all this kind of stuff a decade and a half ago - and as an unemployed journalist who needs to add to his list of abilities in order to remain competitive in the field - re-learning all these skills with all the current technologies sure sounds like quite the appealing prospect.
So after attending the orientation, I was pumped - but I was faced with a predicament. To become a manager at my place of employment, I'd need a pretty much open schedule. I could request to have regular days or times off, but these days and times would need to be consistent. For example I could tell my boss that I'd need every Thursday night off, and it would be so. But the classes offered at CCTV don't run on such a schedule. Instead, the days and times I'd need off would be spread out pretty chaotically. For instance, I might need the morning off on Wednesday one week, then the evenings off three days in a row the following week, and then a random handful of nights off the following month. There'd be no rhyme and reason to my availability, and that wouldn't fly if I were to be promoted to this managerial job.
What to do, what to do? On one hand, Kevin and I could really use the money. I'm underwater in bills, we really don't have any spending money, and it sure would be nice to live a more comfortable lifestyle. On the other hand, my past career experience has been in journalism, and this is the field I'd like to stay in. The newspaper industry has been named one of the 10 worst industries to be in for 2013, and the only reasonable way to work and move up in the field is to add a slew of new and multimedia skills under my belt. If last year was about doing whatever I could to survive, this year could be about the potential and promise of tomorrow. If I withdraw my name from consideration for the management position, I could continue working there part-time while taking these classes, volunteering on production crews and possibly landing some freelance writing gigs. While management experience is usually a positive thing to put on a resume, if I'm to continue my career as a journalist - which is what I've decided I want to do - working as a retail manager really adds nothing to my career-related experience.
After two full days of thinking and talking it over with Kevin, I went into work on Thursday and told my manager I was withdrawing my name from consideration for the job. She sat and talked with me for a few minutes to make sure this was what I wanted to do, and I thanked her for the opportunity. I told her it was nice to be recognized and that I appreciated her ability to see leadership skills in me. The talk went more smoothly than expected, and I felt relieved making that decision final. Sure, there's no way to know if I would have actually been offered that job anyway, but to say no to the opportunity is a huge, huge risk - especially considering the financial implications.
But as New York Times Bestselling novelist, Sarah Addison Allen, wrote: "Happiness is a risk. If you're not a little scared, then you're not doing it right." This year, 2013, will be a year of risks - but I'm determined to see to it that these risks lead to greater opportunity. Kevin and I might struggle financially a little while longer, but who knows what opportunities will come from this? We're investing in the future, and I truly believe with everything I've got in me that this decision I made was the right one. I know that great things await me, and if I keep pushing for them and moving in the direction that feels right deep down in my skin and soul, the outcome will be more rewarding than I could ever imagine.
For this, I am grateful.
This week, I am also grateful for:
- The decision Kevin and I made to not move this year. We had toyed with the idea of relocating from Cambridge to Boston's South End, but it became clear that it would be too much of a financial burden. While the South End is a gorgeous neighborhood full of charming brownstones and brick-paved sidewalks, our current neighborhood has one major luxury that's just too good to pass up: a major grocery store right behind us! Plus, we felt it more important to settle down, have some stability in our lives, and invest in making our "house" feel like a "home." The thought of moving and the instability and financial pressure that comes with it had been stressing me out quite a bit. I'm glad we both agreed that staying in our current pad - provided our landlords let us - is the right thing to do.
- Purchasing my airplane ticket to Phoenix for next month! My dad is letting me use his frequent flyer miles to come home in time for my nephew's fifth birthday. I'll be in Arizona from Feb. 2 to the 11th, and I'm very excited to see friends and family once again!
Gratitude Sunday: 47 Inches of Gratitude - in 3D!
January 6th, 2013
While we might be in a tight financial situation, one thing Kevin and I don't do is blow our money on luxurious goods. Our small budget is more a result of my inability to find a job than it is superfluous expenditures. We hardly ever go out, we rarely buy new clothes, we're not blowing our money on alcohol, and we're frugal when it comes to groceries. So, needless to say, Kevin and I rarely treat ourselves - and when we do, it might be on a box of cookies or a bag of chips.
But yesterday, we treated ourselves to something big, and let me tell you, after the struggle that last year was, we deserve it! Kevin, who has worked his butt off these past few months, received a nice bonus from work. On top of that, both his parents and mine gave us a hefty sum of money for a Christmas gift. Together, that was far more than enough to reasonably make a luxurious purchase without sacrificing our financial responsibilities.
Kevin and I had debated on whether or not to buy a brand new mattress or a big screen television set - or both. Our mattress is lumpy, noisy and uncomfortable. Our TV, on the other hand, is very small at only 19 inches. Since most of the money was Kevin's, suggesting that we put it toward my credit bills seemed silly and out of the question. Plus, I'll admit: I wanted a new mattress and/or television set just as much as he did!
Initially, I heavily favored getting a new mattress, but as time went on, the thought of getting a new TV sounded nicer and nicer by the moment. Naturally, one question we had to ask ourselves was just how much money we were willing to spend. We, at first, considered getting a 40" television set, which is the average. But as we looked around more and more, we realized we could afford to get a slightly larger television, and not only a slightly larger one, but a 3D one at that! After looking through Amazon reviews and pricing television sets at a number of stores, we ended up going with a LG 47" cinema 3D 1080p LED TV from Target.
And let me tell you folks, that TV is huge! Especially compared with our little tiny TV from before. We hooked it up to our 3D Blu-ray player and popped on our 3D glasses and watched The Lion King 3D last night! Amazing experience! I really felt like I was right there in the African savannah. :) We also have Tangled in 3D, so we look forward to watching that together sometime soon, as well! Interestingly enough, I used to think 3D wasn't anything special. After this, I'm all about it!
Purchasing this television is a huge deal for us. Kevin and I both worked hard to make sure we could afford it, and we made the decision together. It was almost like purchasing a new home. And strangely enough, this new TV somehow makes our flat feel more like a home. It brings the entire living room more together. Rather than feeling like a hodgepodge of furniture encircling a tiny 19-inch TV, we now have a center piece - a focal wall that grounds the space and somehow brings a sense of maturity and accomplishment to the home. We did it. Our hard work paid off, and now we have something to help ease the stress when times get tough: the ability to watch mindless television in 3D!
For this, I am grateful.
This week, I'm also grateful for:
- My dad, who celebrated his 57th birthday on Tuesday.
- Success with diet and exercise. It's been tough, but I'm sticking with it.
- My grandfather. Today marks the sixth anniversary of his passing.
- Dad putting money into my account for no reason. Thanks, Dad! It really helps!
And that does it for this first edition of Gratitude Sunday. We'll see you right back here next week. Good night.
January 1st, 2013
Resolutions, to me, are more like general goals. I guarantee if I look back at my list of resolutions for 2012, I probably didn't meet a single one of them. And as to avoid feeling like a failure, a review of said resolutions will not be in order. But I am at a point where I can contemplate the year ahead.
Now, instead of making a list of resolutions, I'm going to make a general forecast. Consider it my list of psychic predictions for the year - sans the psychic part. In other words, the following is a list of goal-related, reality-based scenarios that I foresee likely to occur or happen in 2013. We'll see how it goes.
Striving toward happiness: After coming off one of the unhappiest years in recent memory, I foresee a significant attitude shift, a change or alteration in priorities, and aggressive movement toward happiness - however happiness may be defined to me, personally, at a given moment. This could include resolving financial matters, eliminating and coping with stress, regaining confidence and self-esteem, participating and being active, giving gratitude for what I have and/or building toward something bigger. If 2012 was about getting by, 2013 will be about getting ahead.
Digging myself out of debt: No longer need I lament my difficult debt situation. I'm in a financial crisis and it ain't going away anytime soon. But I can continue to make strides toward paying off my bills. One credit card, for instance, will be paid off in March. Once that happens, catching up on payments of my remaining lines of debt will finally be achievable. Though minimum payments are not an ideal situation, they're more than I've been able to afford, and so will suffice given my current income.
Reducing stress: Stressful situations come and go, and when my stress levels are at their highest, any little thing can freak me the fuck out. This year is about choosing my own battles. Do I really need to wig out because the cat wants my attention or because Kevin doesn't put his dish away? And if I am stressed, is there a better way to cope with it other than yelling, arguing and getting all worked up? This year, I'll work to find ways to help ease my frustrations and bring peace to my mental state. (A glass of wine a day does sound nice, doesn't it?)
Regaining self-worth: Having confidence makes one feel good, and if one doesn't feel good, then one isn't happy. Usually when I speak of confidence, I'm referring to feelings about my physical appearances - and I still am. But I add to that general feelings of value and self-worth. After coming off a low year in which I was rejected time and time again for job after job, my self-esteem was shot. At 32, I'm an award-winning journalist with two degrees, but I'm working in retail. I'm more than that and I need to remind myself of my successes and potential. While the job hunt may be out of my hands, reminders of self-worth aren't. As for those feelings about body image, they can be improved through good, old-fashioned diet and exercise.
Becoming active: To get active could mean to exercise; it could also mean to be involved. Here, I mean both. When I moved to Boston in 2011, I was excited for the possibility of doing more things - whether it's running outdoors, rowing the Charles River, joining a gym, community gardening or getting connected with groups of interest. Whatever it is, I just want to feel alive! I want to feel that life in me; I want to feel that energetic spirit radiating inside!
Giving gratitude: For the past two years, I've attempted a gratitude project taking place during a given period of time. While these gratitude entries have forced me to reflect on each day with a more positive perspective, it can be difficult (and sometimes stressful) to log on every day during the designated GP times. As such, I'm switching things up a bit this year. Rather than setting a period during the holidays or whatnot to give thanks, this year I'll give thanks in a weekly journal throughout the year. Gratitude Sundays! It'll be a chance to look back on the week prior and record some of the good things that happened or stand out. Keeping up the gratitude throughout the year, as opposed to a couple months in the year, could be a highly spiritual experience for me. I'd say it could even be life-changing.
Working toward success: I'm happiest when I'm building toward "something bigger." It's that sense of striving for something tangible, feeling important in the process and anticipating the rewards of accomplishment. When I was feeling depressed during my "blue period" of 1999-2002, it was a return to school that got me out of my rut. When I was bored with work in the real world, I sought adventure in a master's program. When life in Phoenix felt like the pits, it was the dream of Boston that kept me afloat. And in between all that, things like saving up for vacation or buying a piece of furniture, helped me feel a little more accomplished; a little more "successful." In 2012, I didn't feel success at all. 2013 will surely be a transitional year, but in that respect, it will surely be a successful one!
2012 in Review (1000th Entry Edition)
December 31st, 2012
(Backdated, again, obviously.)
Let me begin my saying this is my 1,000th entry on this journal! So congrats to me on that. I had logged 865 entries on my original journal 
badlydrawnboy which I used from July 2001 to July 2002, so that brings my total number of LJ entries to 1,865. If I keep up with making regular posts, I should hit the 2,000-mark by or before my 12th LJ anniversary. Hip, hip, hooray for that!
So, I had debated about making a 2012 year-in-review post. Like I said before, 2012 ranks as my third worst year ever. It's not like there was a MAJOR tragic event that occurred this year, such as in 2007 when my grandfather and three of my cats died; or in 2010, when my grandmother and dog died. It's just that, overall, the year was full of emotional struggles, turmoil and hardships leaving me feeling defeated by year's end. Part of me wonders if I need to even review this shit. It's just so negative. But I know when I look back on this journal sometime in the future, it'll help to have a quick review. So, let's make it QUICK!
In 2012:
- I spent my first full year in Boston.
- I had an emergency appendectomy.
- I spent the entire year working retail.
- I struggled financially throughout the course of the year.
- I fell behind on credit card payments and hospital bills and now have poor credit.
- I applied to COUNTLESS jobs, and only had two bites - both low-paying advocacy positions.
- I held a number of temp jobs through a horrendous temp agency, which I will never go through again.
- I met some cool people through my temp work, such as Kerrie from Hawaii and Bukky from Nigeria.
- Kevin and I celebrated our 5-year-anniversary.
- Unhappy with many things in his life, Kevin moved back to Arizona on May 5 and returned to Boston on Sept. 6.
- I fell in love with a Boston summer.
- Through happenstance and kismet, I met Tracy, who - along with her two kitties, Rufus and Margo - moved in as my roommate for the summer.
- I met some really cool peeps through Tracy, including Natalie, Amber and JJ.
- I celebrated my 32nd birthday in a very low-key manner, with Tracy, Amber and Natalie at my side.
- I worked as a campaign publicist/speechwriter for a U.S. congressional candidate.
- My gig at the View was temporarily resurrected.
- Throughout the summer, I thought I'd have to move back to Phoenix, and came within two weeks of doing so. That's when my entire situation turned around and everything worked out in our favor.
- I realized who my most trusted and reliable friends are. (Thank you, Sandy, Shay, Chandra, April, Janine and Chizanya.)
- I made my first trip to Cape Cod and my second trip to Salem.
- I visited Arizona once in March and again in Aug./Sept.
- My friends, Jason and Tianna, got married in Sept.
- My parents came out to visit me in Boston in Oct.
- I experienced my first hurricane (Hurricane Sandy) in Oct.; that was nothing major.
- I fell victim to a weird illness in Oct./Nov., which resulted in three very lackluster and frustrating trips to the ER. Symptoms included a persistent headache for 2.5 weeks and a range of flu-like symptoms at various points.
- Within months, I went from being in the best physical shape of my adult life to gaining 20 lbs., and reaching my heaviest weight since 2002.
- I started my own YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/frankievlogz
- My friend Ted from my master's program passed away of heat exhaustion and dehydration.
- My favorite undergrad professor, Joel Olson, passed away suddenly in his sleep.
- I saw a couple of "shows" with Tianna; and saw Julia Nunes perform live, thanks to Sandy.
- I saw the following movies in cinemas: Snow White and the Huntsman, Brave, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Wreck-It Ralph, The Campaign, Rise of the Guardians, The Hobbit.
- I celebrated my 1,000th entry on frankbook
- The world didn't end.
I'm sure there was more to my year, but that's the stuff I can remember. When I think back on it, 2012 went by pretty fast. In fact, I tend to think of it in season-themed chapters: The Harsh Winter, The Hope of Spring, For the Love of Summer, A Fallen Spirit, The Bitter Cold. With all the ups and downs of the year, I've ended 2012 feeling like a mean, angry, bitter, old man with a shrunken, shriveled, frozen heart. After feeling beat up this entire year, this exhausted spirit and body is ready for a new beginning, a new hope and renewed confidence in the power of me. Let the new year begin! Happy 2013, everyone!
Gratitude Project: Days 54-61/61 (Holiday Edition)
December 31st, 2012
Well, I pretty much dropped the ball on this Gratitude Project thing. And since it's been so long since my last update, rather than log my gratitude for each day missed, I'm going to break my own rules and make one single post encompassing my overall feelings of gratitude for this final week of 2012.
It's New Year's Eve and after tomorrow, the holidays are over. For this, I am both grateful and sad. This holiday season was one of the toughest for me, simply because I often found myself too angry, too bitter, too jaded to care. (I suppose working retail will do that to you.) But finally, on Christmas Eve night and all throughout Christmas Day, I got into the spirit. I finally felt that bit of Christmas magic that can only come as a result of one thing: love. Though we were unable to spend time with our families and friends, I was somehow able to feel their warmth and love somehow transcend space to comfort and embrace us on the most joyous of holidays. The spirit of Santa lives.
I'm grateful that after tomorrow, the holiday shoppers will stay home and the mall will be dead and I won't have to deal with (as many) "difficult" (for lack of a better word) customers anymore. I'm grateful that I will at last be able to breathe. I'm grateful that the rude, selfish, greedy and materialistic side of people that I see will soon dissipate. Sure, it will still be there and always exist, but it seems to come out most during the holidays, which is ironic, because that's not what the Christmas season should be about, at all.
I'm grateful for the good times Kevin and I had on Christmas and the days preceding and following it. On Christmas Eve, we went to Target and bought a bunch of junk food: Pepperidge Farm cookies, Chips Ahoy, Tostitos tortilla chips, salsa, nacho cheese, bean dip, cola-flavored gummies and cookie dough ice cream. So much junk! But it was fun and felt Christmasy and sort of like we were kids again. That night, we watched Home Alone, which I love and found myself loving even more this year for some reason. "Guys, I'm eating junk food and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!" That should have been me who said that. It was pretty much a great night for us.
On Christmas Day, Kevin and I opened presents from his family. They did a wonderful job! They gave us a fondue-for-two set, a Mickey Mouse hot chocolate set, the Dark Knight Rises on blu-ray, a digital picture frame, money to put toward a new TV, and a new blu-ray player (we already have one, but we're gonna need two once we get that new television set)! My parents, meanwhile, had already deposited money into my bank for Christmas, as did my brother. Their financial contributions will also go toward getting that new TV. My sister sent us The Lion King 3D on blu-ray, which I've been wanting since last year and we're excited about watching once we get that new TV. So, all great gifts and lovely surprises - none of which were necessary or expected, but all very welcome and cherished.
Of course, Kevin and I watched several holiday specials, which always help make things feel merry and bright. On Christmas Day night, since we had no one to celebrate with, we just stayed in and ordered Chinese food, which was nice, though I was already stuffed on all the junk I had been eating! And the day after Christmas we went to go see The Hobbit, which was half bored me, half interested me, but visually caught my attention.
Kevin and I have had a really great time this last week of 2012. Despite all the good times this past week and the year have brought, I can say without a doubt that I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL and RELIEVED that this year is OVER! While no doomsday occurred here, 2012 easily ranks as my third worst year ever. I am sooo grateful for the promise of hope that a new year brings. And I'm grateful for the love that lifts me up and carries me through each and every single time.