What not to say to the mentally ill (original) (raw)

Before writing what is to follow I have already: deleted what I had previously written ten times, rolled three cigarettes and smoked two, actually got myself out of bed and had a shower and suddenly had the urge to open my German grammar book and learn all of the obscure nuances of the German language (which incidentally, I have been avoiding doing since June).
The reason for this stalling, aside from the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, is because even though people always tell you to write about what you know, the thought of actually following this simple rule terrifies me. This is mainly because I have shared this blog on Facebook, and will share this post, so I’m assuming some curious/bored/equally procrastinatory people will read it. And, in my mind at least, the thought of openly sharing something about being mentally ill or about mental illness to people that I might see when I go to the pub or to the shop, is equivalent to standing on a soapbox and shouting “HEY EVERYBODY, I AM ABSOLUTELY BAT-SHIT CRAZY AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS”, wearing clothes smeared in my own faeces and biting the heads off babies.

(That is, of course, an exaggeration. I am in no way suggesting that people who struggle with any form of mental illness are dangerous lunatics. Sometimes I can’t help it that the main thrust of my thinking is hyperbolic negativity. My clothes are currently shit free and no babies have been harmed in the writing of this blog post.)
Anyway, over the past few weeks, months and years, I have been dealing with an assorted bunch of people who are aware that I struggle with mental illness; friends, acquaintances, strangers, medical professionals, teachers, university tutors etc. etc. etc. And whilst most of them are wonderful and I am unbelievably grateful that I have this circle of people surrounding me, sometimes, things are said that are offensive, unhelpful, insensitive or just plain annoying. So here is a list of my favourites/least-favourites in the hope that some of you will read this and learn something about dealing with people who are suffering or struggling with their mental health.

1. “Everybody gets sad sometimes! You’re no different to anybody else! Being happy is a choice and you’re just not making that choice at the moment.”
2. “I don’t think I could handle being on a medication that changes the state of my brain. Why aren’t you better yet, you’ve been on the pills for ages.”
3. “A lot of people have it worse than you. They don’t have such good friends or family, they’re alone/There are people dying in Africa. Why are you doing this?”
4. “Everybody gets nervous before exams. You’re just asking to be treated differently to make things easier for yourself and that isn’t fair.”
5. “If it’s any reassurance, all Oxford students find their degrees demanding, that’s the nature of Oxford degrees.”

I could in all honestly write about twenty more, but these are the top five that spring to mind. The first three are the ones that are most often spouted at me, whilst the last two, when said to me, hurt and offended me the most as they were the responses to me asking for help from my university.
I am in no way trying to suggest that you have to be mentally ill to feel sad or down. Sadness is a human emotion as common as any other, in the same way that happiness is. But when you are depressed, emotions don’t really come into it; especially happiness or sadness. You are neither happy nor sad, you are depressed, and this is a state of complete emotional emptiness. If I could make a choice to be happy, if I could press a button and instantly erase all of the times that I have struggled to get out of bed, that I have avoided school or university because the thought of leaving my bedroom was too much of an effort, that I haven’t changed out of the same outfit for three days because the mere thought of lifting a t-shirt over my head exhausted me, and if I could erase the chance of them ever happening again, believe me I would. To a certain extent, depression is a choice. The depressive is the only person who can make themselves better, but it is not an instant process. It is not the same as being hungry and making the choice to eat a sandwich to stop the hunger. Would you try to snap somebody out of a broken leg by pushing them down the stairs? No, that seems barbaric. So why would you try to snap somebody out of a depressive episode by telling them to be happy?
I shan’t say much about medication, but anti-depressants are not a magical cure-all. Please understand this. They are not the button that I can press to delete all of the above scenarios. But on the flip-side, they are something that is needed to lift one’s mood just enough to make pressing that button an option. They help to clear the fug of a lack of serotonin in one’s mind just enough to help make getting better a possibility. To many people they are a god-send. Would you ask a diabetic why they take insulin? No, because without that insulin they might die. Without anti-depressants, some people might die, yes, by their own hand, but sometimes not doing that is not a choice they can make anymore.
As for the whole people have it worse than you scenario, my answer to that is, to anybody who has ever thought that this is a reasonable thing to say to somebody struggling with their mental health, as if it will provide some sort of enlightening OH MY GOODNESS moment, to kindly go and shove your own head right up your rectal passage until you manage a face-to-face meeting with your small intestine. Not only because your logic is flawed (because via that way of thinking you are implying that the only person allowed to feel sorry for themselves is the person who has it the absolute worst in the world, which is of course entirely subjective anyway) but also because it reeks of the implication that the person in front of you is completely egotistical and self-absorbed. Which isn’t the case.
I shan’t comment on the last two. My feelings about them are similar to the sentiment I just expressed (you know, the whole go stick your head up your arse thing).
So, there is my crash course in what not to say to people struggling with mental health issues. I hope you learnt something. I hope this gives you food for thought. It’s the best I can try to say at the moment. As soon as I click ‘post’ on this and it becomes open to the world outside of my laptop screen, I will want to delete it, I will want to be sick and I will want to flagellate myself for daring to speak up about this. But if nobody does speak up about this, it will keep happening. And we can’t have that happen anymore.