THE DOS AND DON'TS OF SEEING SCARS (original) (raw)

One thing I am enjoying about Burton upon Trent is the weather. It is now usually cold and wet every day and this pleases me because a) Whenever I have a glass of water out of the tap it is always ice cold because the water tank on the boat is outside b) I can justify owning (and buying) a huge amount of Giles Brandreth-esque jumpers because “It’s cold out” and I don’t look like such a pseudo-indie twat and c) I can go outside with only my face and hands uncovered and it suits the weather conditions.
When I was studying for my first year exams, a heat-wave struck just in the week that I really had to start revising. This irritated me, for a multitude of reasons, mainly because the Bodleian in the heat is pretty much how I imagine the depths of hell. One afternoon I found myself in the Upper Reading Room (for those of you that haven’t been (un)fortunate enough to be inside the Bodleian, imagine a series of long rooms going round in a square with overly squeaky lino floors, lots of books that few people will ever read, a multitude of desks populated by people who seem intent on breathing out of their mouths and cracking their fingers and typing loudly, and hundreds of portraits of rich white middle class men from times gone by staring dourly down at you). I had spent most of the afternoon wandering round like a lost soul trying to find somewhere that didn’t make me feel like I was about to drown in my own sweat instead of learning the finer details of German commas or whatever. I was mainly at fault for this, because unlike the rest of my scantily clad library co-visitors, I was wearing a long-sleeved cardigan and would not take it off. Eventually, after sitting slipping in and out of heat-induced delirium for twenty minutes, I gave up and rid myself of the cardigan. As I shuffled about, the girl next to me looked up and greeted me with a stare of discomfort and slight shock. However, rather than pulling the cardigan on, grabbing my stuff and bolting (which is what I really wanted to do), I glared right back at her before picking up my pen and self-righteously turning to my work.

I assume the reason for her discomfort, unless my dress or a person taking their cardigan off in public really disgusted her, is the fact that my arms and legs are covered with self-harm scars. I used to be very embarrassed about them and to a certain extent I still am, but at that point I suddenly realised that I didn’t care (as much) anymore. It was hot. I was overheating. So I was going to take off my cardigan and hang the consequences, and from that day on I stopped being so bothered.
However, like admitting to having depression, scarred arms lead to a whole variety of people offering you their usually half-baked and misguided opinions on how to live your life. In this case though, they are usually much more short-sighted, offensive and irritating. So here is a short collection of dos and don’ts, going from the most obvious to the least obvious, when coming into contact with people who have self-harm scars.

1. DON’T touch them without permission
This one seems pretty obvious right? Why would you touch somebody you don’t know very well without their consent? I have lost count of the number of times I have been out and about and people have grabbed my arms and said something. Once a charity collector, who was already trying my patience with his pushy sales tactic and could tell my interest was waning, proceeded to seize my arm and say “Oh love! You shouldn’t do that!” and then got affronted when I shoved him off. “Why you getting all anxious?” he shouted as I stormed away. Once outside Cellar in Oxford I was having a cigarette when I felt fingers prodding my arm. “God these are weird,” the prodder said, “Why do you do that? This one is much softer than the others,” he added, as if to placate me as my face assumed the expression of somebody watching somebody else taking a shit on them, and then “Wait what? You’ve got them out! Why are you walking off?!” I don’t know why people think it is OK to poke and prod and grab at me just because I have damaged skin, it’s as if by harming myself and leaving the evidence behind, I have renounced all right to personal space. But yeah, don’t do that, although hopefully, if you’re a vaguely sentient person with some idea of normal acceptable social conduct, this is a no-brainer.

2. DON’T ask why This leads me to my next point. When going about my daily business I don’t want to be asked why. This is mainly because knowing why is pretty damn impossible, and knowing why I have self-harmed in the past and why I am still triggered to do it on some occasions is central to my recovery. Self-harm is an addiction/a habit. Why do you smoke? Why do you drink? Why do you continue to plague me with stupid questions? Are you my therapist or the mental health professionals I do talk to this about? Do you want me to sit down and tell you my entire life story, maybe then you can deduce why and tell me, because I’d love to know as much as you do.

3. DON’T offer your opinion on why I shouldn’t self harm This is the most frequent, which suggests that people think it is OK to do, when it really isn’t. Firstly, I don’t give a flying expletive what you think about self-harming I’m not saying it’s a good thing, hell I know more than anybody it’s not a good thing, but I also know that is something I have used as a coping mechanism in the past, for better or worse. Do not ever say “Oh you shouldn’t have done that!” because logically, it makes you sound like an idiot. Quick biology lesson here: scars are the marks where wounds have HEALED, as in THEY HAVE BEEN DONE AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Whether I should/shouldn’t have isn’t the point. It’s done. Also, telling me ‘not to do that’ is akin to telling a smoker not to smoke. Unless they want to give up, your words are completely useless and they really don’t care. You, whether I know you or don’t, telling me I shouldn’t self-harm is not suddenly going to make me think “OH YEAH, SHIT, I REALLY SHOULDN’T DO THAT” and lead me to a complete and miraculous recovery. So keep your words to yourself.

4. DON’T guilt-trip This is more for if you know somebody who has struggled with and is continuing with self-harming. Don’t ever tell a self-harmer the emotional affect their self-harm has on you as an effort to make them stop, or even in general. I know it must be difficult to be in contact with somebody struggling with this and I am not expecting you to be an unemotional android just because they happen to struggling in a more destructive way than you. But, in the past, being told by people I love and care about that they feel awful when I do it, that it makes them feel bad, that they don’t know how to handle it and why am I doing this to them has made me feel so much worse, so much dirtier and guiltier and more shame filled. And by being made to feel worse, by being made to feel dirtier and guiltier and more shame filled, I would then be triggered and so, I would do it again and then would feel worse and then so on and so forth. I am not at all blaming anyone for it, I can’t stress that enough, but it definitely hasn’t ever helped matters.
If you are really badly affected by somebody’s problem and you really do care about them, talk to somebody else about it. Don’t use the self-harmer as your outlet. It’s not going to suddenly trigger a lightbulb moment, an end of the movie realisation. It’s selfish and I feel like a self-absorbed dick saying it, but it really is like kicking somebody’s knees out from under them when they can’t walk or telling somebody with a broken arm that their broken arm distresses you. It doesn’t help or it makes things a lot worse. I am finding my own emotions difficult enough and yours won’t make anything better.

5. DO just keep your mouth shut This is the main thrust of this. I know you probably want to help. I know all of the above actions are probably coming from the best of all intentions, but honestly, as somebody who has experienced all of the above multiple times, it doesn’t help. By showing my arms I am already acknowledging that I am on my way to stopping (seriously, I wouldn’t parade about with fresh injuries on show). It sounds shit and boring, but there is honestly, truly, nothing you can do to help somebody who self-harms, other than maybe point them in the right direction towards getting help if they aren’t getting it, or keeping an eye on them when they seem really low and offering mindless distractions like going for a coffee or watching a film or going shopping or just being a good friend if they do reach out to you. Don’t judge, don’t ask, don’t poke, unless they want you to. The only person who can truly make a self-harmer stop self-harming is themselves.

OK? OK. Over and out.