goodadvicer_08 (original) (raw)

Today, i promise to my close friend that i will attend her birthday celebration. Actually, her birthday is not today but today is the celebration. She called me last week and invited me to attend. I told her that i will go but I'm not sure if i can come.
And just this morning i decided not to. Actually, i am not busy and i don't have something important to do. I just don't feel like going. And now i am so guilty.

Last Month, my other classmate invited me to her 18th birthday and i promised to come .She told me that if i won't come, she will be upset, but i didn't show up. And i know she's upset with me right now and i can't blame her. Many of my classmates invited me to come on their birthdays but i didn't attend. Yah! i know i am so selfish. I really don't know myself. I don't understand my feelings. Yes, i am so unfair. I don't have any reason not to show up. All i can say is that i don't want to attend.

To be honest, i hate attending special occasions. I hate socializing with other people. I am scared and conscious with myself. I don't know how to mingle with strangers. I am just shy. I don' t have any self-confidence. I don't know but it's just so hard for me to gain it.

I hate attending occasions where i need to observe my moves and be careful with everything i do. I just don't want to talk , smile, and laugh with them. It's not that i don't like to see them, but the problem is me. I don't know how to communicate with them. All i wanted is to be alone. I don't wanna see many people on my surroundings.

Every time i attend special occasions, i became a different person, always laughing,smiling although i don't feel like doing so. For them it's my natural ability but it's not the real me. I'm so tired pretending to be someone I'm not but i don't have the courage to show it to them. My actions just don't agree with what i feel. I don't know but every time i am with my friends and with people, i just can't control myself to pretend that i am cheerful. I really wanted to stop what i am doing but i just can't do it.

I want to be with my friends and people who care about me, but i would rather be alone because i can be what i want and i can be myself. I am a serious, strict, and loner person. I hate smiling too much. I don't enjoy corny jokes. I hate talking too much. I am moody and hot-tempered. These are the characteristics that i have, but need to set aside for my friends sake. Every time i am with my friends, i can't express my true feelings and i hate it. That's why i don't want to attend special occasions coz it makes me go crazy. I can't take it anymore. i hate pretending to be the person i am not.

I know my friends are upset with me right now,very upset. I really wanted to celebrate with them but i just hate mingle with other people. I don't want to be another person anymore. I don't want to be plastic and pretentious. I can't deal with it anymore.I don't want them to be upset with me because i treasure our friendship but i can't blame them.And now i am so guilty. I know what they think about me right now, and it hurts me. Maybe they think that i don't wanna see them, i don't value our relationship, but i do.