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Like all the rest of you, I, too, love someone I can't have, only my guy doesn't have another girl.

I met Harry four years ago. Let me get the first big hurdle out of the way -- he's 47. I am 19.

For reasons I don't want to delve into, I know for a fact it's not age difference that separates us.

Anyway. I met Harry four years ago. We hung out a lot, etc, etc. I slowly realized that I was falling in love with him. It wasn't very easy, considering he has a daughter a year older than me who I was slight friends with and at first I really couldn't get over the age difference thing. Unfortunately, we don't choose who we fall in love with, huh?

So three years ago, I decided to tell him how I felt. He seemed pretty surprised -- he asked me if I was sure, if I was sure I knew what love meant (honestly that moment kind of insulted my intelligence), and then told me he didn't feel the same way.

Since then, I've been a complete mess.

I have absolutely no self-esteem. Almost constantly, all I can think about is how fat, ugly, stupid I must be that I can't be good enough for him. I still see him pretty often -- he's a writer so he stays in a lot and I give him company. I guess we're "friends", but seeing him hurts, and not seeing him hurts, and no matter what I do I can't get over him. Part of me doesn't ever want to get over him, because I'm so afraid that letting him go will mean I never really loved him at all.

My friends were there for me for a while -- but one by one they got fed up with me to the point that they started saying really hurtful and nasty things about it, so I can't talk to them anymore. I don't figure anyone really reads this place, but here I am, posting anyway.

Last night, when I saw him, I was talking about a costume I'm going to make and was trying to figure out what material I was going to use. He sat there listening to me and then reached over and ran a hand down my side and started saying something about "well for this part you could use blah blah" and I just... froze.

And then I was going to make dinner for him and asked him if curry would be good and he said yes and when we got back home he started making instant food and I just stood there.

I don't want to have a sexual relationship with this guy, I don't think. I want... I want so badly to just be his wife, to be there with him, to do chores and his laundry and cook for him and just... be his. It's such a bizarre feeling, because I have never ever wanted anything like that before.

He was laying in bed reading a book (Everything's Eventual, "1408" was a good movie but a terrible story as he and I both found out) and I slumped down next to him and I guess I must have looked upset (which is normal around him) and he finished his book and put an arm around me and pulled me close and tried to ask me what was wrong. It felt... so empty.

And he's so damn oblivious.

And he leaned down and whispered in my ear, "I can't make you feel better if you don't tell me what's wrong", and I told him, "You can't make me feel better."

And that was... the end.

I went to talk to my best friend and roommate about it later that night. Or, well, I went home and she asked me what was wrong, to which I replied, "The same thing that's always wrong with me."

And she started yelling at me, saying that blah blah how stupid it was that I "can't just get over being in love with Harry," and on and on and on.

Yeah. That... that makes me feel great. It's not even like I went crying to her. She asked me what was wrong.

Maybe next time I just won't even go home.

...God, I don't know what to do. I know this sounds so emo and stupid, but I laid in bed last night and daydreamed about killing myself until I fell asleep.

I feel so useless.

I'll stop taking up your friends lists now.