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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded inMental Illness: Living With and Surviving's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, February 4th, 2011 | |
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| _8:59 am_[flamegirl_kitty] |
Dermatillomania Documentary! (and I need your help) After working on my dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) documentary for over a year and a half, the trailer is out! Please share this in other online communities you are involved in, and to anyone. I want this video to go viral for the people who need to see it. Thank you!My facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/pages/FOREVER-MARKED-A-Dermatillomania-Diary-by-Nova-Scotian-author-A-Hartlin/177738602694Current Mood:  accomplished (Comment on this) |
| Saturday, January 29th, 2011 | |
| _4:15 pm_[wolverine19] | Help HI,I'm not sure if this is the right group for me. But I am looking for advice, although I feel I know what the right answer is. So here we go. I have been living with my girlfriend for two years, until last week, when I left. This has gone unaddressed for so long because I care about her, and I have been raising her daughter, now 3, for the two years, she is 3. She was completely dependent on me. This past week is also the first time I have told anyone what has been going on. Here are her symptoms:Abuse both verbal and physical. It has gotten worse and worse. The day I left she pulled a knife on me, and also slashed my arm open with marker. She also knows how much I love the baby and made the comment "I will take the baby away, and you will never see her again, and you will not ever recover." The comment was just too much for me, and I had spent the first three days of the now week sleeping in my car and crying nonstop. I didn't want to go to anyone because I was afraid of losing the child. I left though because the child is three, and I realized if i leave when she is 5 or ten she may never recover. I have no rights to the child, she is not biologically mine. The damage she has caused to items of mine is somewhere around 5000 dollars and includes at least 20 items I can think of. She has hit me many many times. I have never hit her back, but I have grabbed and restrained her twice. She gets to the point to what she calls "black out rage".Extreme Paranoia: Most of our fights started over crazy accusations. Anything from me cheating on her, which I never have ever done. I don't even have friendships with any women, to stealing her things when she miss places them, to her thinking I didn't care about her.Depression: She has been depressed on and off since I have known her, and this is one of the symptoms she admits to.Anxiety: This is the other symptom she admits too and just thinks that this is the reason for everything.Major trust issues: She has had a very rough life, and I really feel bad for her. She will snap and get abusive for anything. One example is on my way home from work I will call and ask her is she needs anything. She will then quiz me for five minutes to try and see if I was sincere about asking for. Separation and feeling thretened: I have slowly lost the majorit yof my friendships and my relationships with my family. She always said that she thought they didn't like her or wouldn't except her.Everything was my fault: Two good examples would be one night she was in the ER post op, and she was suffering from dehydration(which she insisted wasn't the case). The only ER doctror on shift was one that she had a previous bad experience with. She burst into tears in front of everyone as soon as she saw him. There were no other doctors on shift. So I pulled the Dr. aside and and was very nice and told him her interpretation of the previous experience, and begged him to please be extremely nice and patient with her. There was even a male nurse, who was awsome and also confronted the dr. and was overly supportive. In the end she has yelled at me for a month since abuot how I didn't have her back. Sensitivity to any medications: She has not sought any mental help other than attempts at low dose anti-anxiety medications from her general doctor. She does have two well known health problems that require daily treatment, but she won't take any medication, saying that it makes her like a "zombie" and weak. This includes child doses and now somewhere around 50 medications she has tried."Game Playing": She will say she is leaving and contact her enitre family asking for a place to stay stating some wild accusation I did, and then kick me out. But then a day or two later she will contact me flipping out at the thought that I contacted anyone. This also includes double standards in EVERYTHING. Dependency and need for control: She has to have control and access to everything I do. I work roughly 50 hours a week and talk to her via text the majorit of that, she does not work. Well money was needed to puchase her a car because her lease was up and we wanted to be able to get a house when our lease was up, so I picked up a night job two nights a week. The night job required me to be in one place, one mile from the house, and my schedule was known a month in advance via email, and I would forward her the email. She convinced herself that I was cheating on her by having the employer fake the schedule and I then must have paid the employer, who then would write me checks back to me.So for the last two years I have began to be convinced by her that the behavior and the life we lived as normal. I slowly but surely somewhat believed it. I have been locked out of the home, I pay for, overnight probably twenty times. it has gotten worse and worse and I only came out with this because I can't stand the thought of the child wondering where her daddy was when she soon gets to an age she will remember me for life. I have also been told that my role in all of this is making the issues worse by enabling her.Since I have left I offered to pay for help for her, and told her that I was getting help as well because I need it, and I know she can't stand feeling like she is the problem. My couselor that I went to last week and medical professionals I know have told under no circumstances can I go back to the house. And that any help she seeks will only benefit her if she really wants help. She has told me that I am turning my back on her and betraying her. It all is just so hard, and I know how capable she is to operate out of spite. And she probably wants to hurt me any way she can. So who knows what she is doing I just try not to think about it.So I joined the group for support, and to maybe get an idea of what she has. And what I can do if anything to help. I realize that our relationship may just be over. But even if it is I still want to help her if I can. Current Mood:  distressed (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Monday, January 17th, 2011 | |
| _5:02 pm_[zhestvo] |
new member hey everyone! I'm new so I wanted to introduce myself,I'm Luukas I've been through a lot and right now I am dealing with some personality-identity issues, I had to deal with being sexually abused and the pain of being rejected by my family for saying 'lies', but I'm feeling better about that now, I thought I'd join to this community to share experiences with people on this place and make friends hopefully, so yeah, hey) Current Mood:  nervous (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Sunday, October 10th, 2010 | |
| _10:43 pm_[resplendentposy] |
It gets better "It gets better." I've noticed this message and other messages of hope and support put out in the wake of the suicides of several gay teens. It's made me reflect back on my own personal struggles and how much has changed since then. Whether you're gay or not, bullied or not, we all can experience dark times in our lives. It can feel terrible and inescapable, but you can break free. It gets better.Looking back through one of my old journals, I found an entry dated 6-7-02, in the midst of my depression, in which I had a revelation that I was going to die by suicide. Thought about posting the whole thing, but it is rather personal. Here is an excerpt:"I don't want to hurt anyone... I just don't know what to do. I've wasted so much already. I can't see myself going anywhere in the future. I have so many dreams that can't come true. So many impossible fantasies that I've wasted time hoping for..."Eight years later I am achieving the dreams I could once only wish for. I am in movies. I have an imdb page. I have my Associate's degree and I'm two semesters away from getting my Bachelor's. I see a future. I see freedom and open doors. I feel so much more self-confident. I am doing things I simply could not have done back then.It is hard to believe that I could go from where I was before, feeling so utterly dark and hopeless, to where I am now. I have made an amazing transformation socially, mentally. And most importantly, I am still here to experience this change, to see my dreams fulfilled. No matter how dark it may seem, it is possible to break free. It gets better. <3 (Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 | |
| _3:28 pm_[slfcllednowhere] |
Dealing with anxiety without meds Hey y'all. So, I'm not going to get into the whole story here but basically there's a thing happening in a couple of weeks that is going to make me extremely extremely anxious, and my psychiatrist won't give me any meds for it cos he doesn't want to "enable" me doing this thing (which is bullshit, but that's a whole other discussion). So, does anyone have any suggestions for what the fuck else I can do to calm down (other than cutting...)? Thanks in advance. Current Mood: nervous (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, November 26th, 2009 | |
| _6:12 am_[flamegirl_kitty] |
 Angela Hartlin's memoir, FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary has finally been released! Please join her Facebook Fan page to spread word about this skin picking disorder along with her experiences with it.People with this disorder have traits of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually suffer from depression. It is an Impulse Control Disorder that is fueled by high levels of anxiety. The first few pages can be previewed at the Lulu.com site, which includes a better definition of Dermatillomania.Even if you do not have Facebook, the prices are listed there for Canadian, American, and International buyers. If you do, please spread the word of the fan page to everyone on your friend's list, even if you have to tell them that you're spreading the word for a friend! We need to raise awareness about this silent disorder and help break the stigma on mental health in general. You never know who is suffering in isolation from having this condition.Please e-mail forever.markedATyahoo.ca if you want to purchase from Angela directly; she offers a lower shipping price than Lulu.com does. Include the country that you live in and she can send you a quote. She ships the day she gets a payment (or the day after), then sends an e-mail to confirm that it was sent. Thank you. <3  |
| Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 | |
| _3:22 pm_[lemargrete] |
Negative and positive thought Hey people. How are you? I`m fine, could be better, but i am fine. Havent hurt my self for weeks now :-) Yay me..The women i work for, Britt, says that i get tired to fast after running and sutch (i dont know the exactly word in english, but in norwegian it is "dårlig kondis"). Well, she`s not the one who have to runn beside the horse (while the kids are horse-back-riding) for 15 minutes or something like that!!!! I have heard her, and she is starting to breath heavily beside the horse (while it runs) to.. So why is she complaining about me??Every horse-back-riding lessen is 45 minuttes. And today it is one at 17:00, the next one at 18:00, and one after that. (I think it one after that too, but i am not sure). And i have to help her with at the two first lessons.. Blah... And tomorrow it is tree or four lessons, And i have to help at two first lessons tomorrow to i think. And Britt usually let the kids trot half the lesson or something lik that..On the positive side, she says that i am good at talking to the kids, and finding how i chould talk to every kid:) So thats good.AND, Felix, the horse i love the most, is comming back to our stable this weekend :D <3But still am kind of tired of everything, and kind of sad for some reason. People sais that what other people sais about you should not listening too. But i cant stop it :( When other people sais bad things about me or something i get sad and kind of just wants to cry.... :(N Current Mood:  sad (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, November 5th, 2009 | |
| _4:50 pm_[faunna] |
Something to consider DEPRESSION - A NUTRITIONAL DISORDERI'm having trouble focusing today so I'm going to have to re-read this later; however, seems to strongly resonate with personal experience and my Dr's orders... my depression totally went away on it's own when I started treatment for hypoglycemia and promptly comes back if I eat high-GI foods. (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, October 25th, 2009 | |
| _6:20 pm_[broken_wings_6] |
introduction i just joined and thought id introduce myself. im a 26 year old female. i live in california. i have bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and bulimia. ive been diagnosed with bipolar, ocd and borderline for 9 years (but have suffered from them for much longer than that) and i was diagnosed with bulimia 5 years ago. ive also been diagnosed with a couple of other things that i believe were misdiagnoses, such as schizoaffective and adhd and bipolar with psychotic features. i dont see those disorders in myself, but the first 4 are definately accurate. i have also self injured by cutting and burning myself for the last 12 years on and off. currently i am in recovery for my eating disorder and im stable on meds- seroquel, luvox, and wellbutrin. i just got out of the hospital a couple weeks ago for overdosing on my seroquel and consequently am trying to turn my life around. im going to overeaters anonymous 5 days a week, NA one day a week, group therapy 4 times per week, and individual therapy basically every other week. (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, September 24th, 2009 | |
| _10:38 pm_[lemargrete] |
Could have been better Today in the buss to work (ten minutes driving with buss/car) the buss was full of young people (about 18-20 years old or around there) :( I could feel my heart was starting to work faster, and the anguish-feeling came and would not leave!! Actually it was kind of stuck there for the rest of the day... The anguish feeling is alwais making problems for me. It comes very often...I get scared for doing something wrong, iven when i know i have done it a thousand times before:/ Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 | |
| _7:53 pm_[slfcllednowhere] |
Giving up When do you stop trying? I've been dealing with my problems (being incredibly obsessed with someone and incredibly depressed/suicidal because of it and losing my job, almost losing my boyfriend, lots of self-injury and getting hospitalized all the time and other fun things) for 8 years now and it looks like it's getting better for a little bit of a time and then it all comes crashing back. When do you finally admit that it's never really going to get better and it's not worth it to keep trying so hard because that just makes it hurt that much more? Current Mood: depressed (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, July 9th, 2009 | |
| _12:41 am_[peacelovexcatie] |
I hate those nights I hate those nights where you just sit up awake; you can't stop thinking about your past and everything you should have done differently. I hate thinking about how I should have gone to see my father the day before he died. I knew I should have; I felt it. I hate the nights you sit up crying, unsure of what to do or what's wrong. I hate having Depression. I hate not being able to control my emotions sometimes, and I hate my mood swings. Sometimes I think back& feel lost, confused, stupid. But then I realize it wasn't my fault and I break free from those feelings. The breaking free always feels the best. Too bad I have to suffer in order to feel great, huh?Current Mood:  thoughtful (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009 | |
| _12:26 pm_[lemargrete] |
I think I`ll be at my wit`s end soon if I dont do something about this... I talked to Britt yesterday.. But sadly enough she said she cant help me with my problems... :`( Because she dont have the education for it...But she recommend me to go the my doctor, soo he could send me to an psychologist that can. Tomorrow she is going to Sweden, and is coming back lait on monday evening. So on tuesday we will sit down together and talk more. And I promised her that before that I`ll call my doctor.. I just have to figure out what phone number i have to call :P Maybe you want to know WHAT my problems are? Well, when i was a kid/youth lots of kids and people was teasing me.. Someone said that i was ugly and blablabla.. You may know the story... And when I when i heard it all most everyday and saw the looks on they`re face`s when i passed them, it got stuck on brain. I stoped beliving my self and such.. And when days got into weeks and got into months, I belived them of course. I was thinking, yes, i am ugly; Everybody els is more beautifull that me, they can more, is much more wiser than me, and can get jobs i never can get and so on**...** And for many years i have been thinking about it, and when i am outside my apartment i am all the time afraid to be more teased.. So it have for sure characterize me as a person.. So, for some years ago i have problems with self-harm (is that the right way to say it?). You know, do harm to your self on purpose. And now i have been falling into the same thoughts and feelings as then. On monday, when was cuting down a tree with a saw, i got to hurt my self (not on purpose!) on a finger, and was bleeding for some minutes, and now i actually want to do it again :/ A picture I just found on google. It somehow describe my emotions...  Current Mood:  indescribable (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | |
| _12:22 am_[thunderflyer] |
Quandry. Alrighty then. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder back in '00. I was 30 years old. That's sometimes considered a little late for a first time diagnosis, though to be honest, I never sought psychiatric help before then. (I am a highly functional person with a high sense of self-discipline which may have helped me "cover" symptoms of bi-polar disorder up till then.)Here's my quandry. When I was initially diagnosed, I was given one of those very long written tests where you answer multiple choice "questions". The psychiatrist ran my test through the computer and the result was "inconclusive". He based his diagnosis on my psycho-social intake life history and my then-current suicide attempt.Fast forward 8 years. My life was in a shambles. I was in a horribly abusive marriage. I had just lost my job because of my husband's abuse and DCF was poised to remove my child from my custody. The investigator sent me to the local behavioral health clinic for counseling and an assessment of my stress level.Things started to improve for me, it seemed on the outside, until I just broke from all of the abuse and stress. Two hospitalizations and many failed attempts at dialing in the right medication later, I'm off my medications and doing better than I have ever done before. (being free of the abusive husband and with someone who genuinely cares for me and my daughter is a really big help, there). So, due to the abusive situation with the "ex" the courts sent me for another psych evaluation by a different doctor and again it comes back as inconclusive. The judge has ordered ANOTHER psych evaluation by yet ANOTHER doctor. (I haven't gone yet, we're still working out the paperwork.) My therapist (which has been with me since I first went in for stress counseling) thinks that I have stablized nicely without the aid of medication (she was skeptical at first but has noticed a huge improvement in my ability to stay focused and communicative since I stopped taking the medication).What I'm most curious about is this: what should I make of two doctors, years apart, both with the same written test, both coming up with the answer "inconclusive, but probably bi-polar with schizoid tendancies"? Neither doctor questions my ability to function OR raise my daughter safely. They both recommend psychotropic medication for management of my "symptoms" which disappeared when I stopped taking the medications previously prescribed for me.Maybe the third psychiatrist is going to be the charm for me? I don't think I suffer anything more drastic than post traumatic stress disorder (one of my initial diagnosis back in '00). Any insight about what an "inconclusive" result actually means and why a psychiatrist would still want to pin a diagnosis on me after getting that result twice? Current Mood:  curious (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Monday, May 4th, 2009 | |
| _4:15 pm_[potterfreak1] | Support site Hey how are you? I hope you are all alright. I made a support site and i think i could help you guys when you need it. The link is http://selfhelp.yuku.com i hope you like it and find it helpful. (Comment on this) |
| Friday, April 17th, 2009 | |
| _3:32 pm_[lemargrete] |
Epilepsy stuff Me and dad was at hospital yesterday. I have had many epileptic seizures the last few weeks. Like one of the seizures this boy on the vidio tells about. When the boy just freez in plays and stare blankly. With hardly any movments. Thats the epileptic seizures (epilepsi anfall) i get mostly. It`s like my eyes get stuck right forward, and i cant move them. I can hear what is hapening around me, but not answering to it. And sometimes i dont remember what people where saying to me, during the seizure. Sometimes it lasts just 2 or 3 seconds, other this a few seconds more. I remember I some years ago (when we didnt know i have epilepsy) thought everyone get that from time to time. And i remember people where asking like "Why are you staring at me like that?? Stop it i dont like it!!" Well i didnt stare at them. Now at last i know it was an epileptic seizure (et epilepi anfall). And my eyes got stuck like that many times a week. Sometimes even many times a day. It was very embarrassing. Because people thought i wasnt nice to them. That was doing for a reason or something..My life could have been so much difrent if my parents could have figured out it was epilepsy when i was two. Because thats when it started my parents says.... But i eat more medisin now. Before i was eating 100 mg Lamictal morning and same on the evening. Now i am eating 125 mg on the morning and 100 mg on the evening for a week, then 125 mg on the morning and same on evening. I hope it works... Current Mood: thoughtful (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, March 26th, 2009 | |
| _11:48 pm_[slfcllednowhere] |
Seattle? Anyone here have good docs (I'm looking for a psychiatrist and a therapist) to recommend in Seattle or ideas of how to go about finding them? Thank you! Current Mood:  pensive (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, March 15th, 2009 | |
| _3:03 pm_[lemargrete] |
Feeling useless I seriously don`t feel good. It feels like a super heavy rock is in the bottom of my stomach. I feel sad, usless for anybody, that I`m just a burden to them**.** My self-confidence is not so good either. A friend of mine says I should move*. She `sais I`ll never get it back if i continue to live her. That i should move to get more friends somewhere els and blah blah blah. I guess you understand. * I have lived here the last 13 years (from 2006-2007 i was on a folk-high school, so then i didnt live here). But i like my job. I dont really want a new one. I like working with horses, and the 2 womens i work for is really nice. I can talk to them about anything. What can i do to feel better? How do i get my self-confidence back without moving ??Current Mood: sad (Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 | |
| _5:39 pm_[tuesdaymarch3] | i'm scared First of all I hope it's okay to post this here, but I'm terrified and don't know what else to do. I don't know what is wrong with me, I haven't even made the attempt to get help, I'm not even sure if I do have a mental illness, but I was hoping someone here could give me some advise/might know what I should do. I'm also sorry if my story gets a bit lengthy...I'm 17 years old. A year ago I experimented with the hallucinogenic salvia divinorium. It was the first time I'd ever used a drug, and scariest thing that had ever happened to me, I wish I'd never done it. It felt as if I wasn't even part of time anymore, everything I touched felt as if it was an extension of my body and completely numb. I couldn't contentrate on anything for more than 4 seconds. I'd never felt anything like it, I felt as if I was slipping away from reality never to be a part of it again. My trip that should have lasted mere minutes lasted an hour. I couldn't sleep afterwards, I was so afraid I would slip into the same state I had experienced on the drug. After a few days I eventually got better and stopped worrying about it so much, I would only occasionally have a sudden moment when I would panic, but for the most part I was fine. That was about a year ago. A month ago I did marijuana, it was the second time I'd tried it. Both times I had felt the terror I had on salvia, but to a much lesser degree. I thought I would be able to get used to it and teach myself there was nothing to be afraid of. I know I sound like such an idiot, but I guess it's true, I am. The day after I'd used it the second (and definatly the last) time I was feeling perfectly fine when suddenly I began experiencing the same sensations again. And that's when I started to go downhill. Since then I've been living with this fear of going back into that initial state, and it seems to be getting worse everyday.Sometimes I'll just be sitting in my desk at school and suddenly I become incredibly aware of where my feet meet the floor and my body touches the chair. I get these strange sensations in those areas, as if I'm suspended in space and falling. It's even happening right now. I try to distract myself, I try to get used to the feeling but I can't. It seems impossible. Please somebody tell me what to do! I'm not myself anymore, I'm always scared. I can't perform minor tasks because I can't concentrate on them. I can't eat, I lay awake at night scared. I haven't told my family, I don't want them to know, but if I need professional help I'm willing to. I know the world around me is stable, I know it isn't going to change. But at the same time I have such a hard time living normally knowing that. I just can't seem to cinvince myself that everything is alright. (8 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Monday, March 2nd, 2009 | |
| _4:23 am_[act_of_growth] |
Perhaps one of you, or several of you, could explain depression to me. After 4 psychology classes, I thought I would understand, but it turns out I still need someone to spell it out. But, psychology is not my main field of study, so I figured that's alright. ;)I understand patients with depression can be withdrawn and unattentive, etc. But I'm dealing with one who completely shuts me out of his life for days or weeks at a time when he goes through one of his "spells," which consist of him feeling worthless, getting down on himself and his life, and a general feeling of unhappiness. I recall a time when his father had to call the police after he cut us all off for three weeks and he missed an appointment with the government (literally), but most of the time, it's only me he shuts out -- me, who has been there unconditionally, who has such a deep history with him, who he has called his best friend and soul mate for three years. As someone who is in a serious romantic partnership with this person, I am deeply concerned and my thick head cannot seem to grasp why anyone would shut out the closest person to them, depressed or not. Why would you not want to be with the "only person that makes you happy anymore" during times of confusion or even despair?My sympathy is running out; sometimes this makes me feel empowered, and other times guilty. Right now, I came to the conclusion that he is not so mentally damaged that he does not know what he's doing when he shuts me out; another part of me thinks that as I have never been depressed and I don't know what's in his head.He briefly once said that he doesn't ignore his friends and family because they won't make him talk about what's wrong; he can just play video games with them, or talk about the Packers, basically be on autopilot. I on the other hand, get it out of him. I guess I'm just looking for a deeper reason as to exactly why depressed people do this. I was reading through a depression support community and it seems to be a common issue with relationships when one of the people is depressed. Wouldn't you want to be with someone who will hold you and unconditionally love you?... (4 Comments |Comment on this) |
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