Internal Pains (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	distressed	]

oh yes
first real post

its long
not necessary to read
sorry its so long
usually don't write much

not a good week
so my best friend...i guess i could call her that
sux
hurting herself and everyone around her
really bad situation, lose lose for everyone
not about that, that's been fucking with my brain for months now
but whatever we got in a fight yesterday
she is pyscotic when it comes to plans and time, when you say i'll see you in 3 minutes, has to actualy be 3 minutes
so last week we made plans to go to roosevelt mall, big mall, far away, she intiatied the idea i finalized it. we decided on sat ->yesterday
friday night i told her since i was babysitting we should go early so we can have enough time so i'd call her at 12:30 to leave.
she said ok
i called her at 12:30, she said she had too much work to do, couldn't go, told me to go
with karin and dahna, she cancelled on me, she didn't get her shit together in time.
so i said fine, i called karin and dahna and dahna was like wait amanda isn't coming, isn't she going to be upset. (we walk on eggshells around her because the drop of a pin sets her off, everyone is afraid of her at this point.) i said no, i called her, she cancelled on me, told me to go. i called her back to tell her i was leaving and shes sure she couldn't go and she started guilt tripping me. "fine i guess you guys don't want to wait for me"
where the fuck did that come from
she cancelled, told me to go
we couldnt wait, had time constraints.
i always feel guitly about things i shouldn't
always
don't need to guilt trip me
bad guilt trip, pretty much saying i'm a horrible person, bad friend and am being mean for no reason. for going to the mall. continuing already set plans.
and she knows this
doesn't anywaya nd i feel twice as bad
this is how i am, people treat me like shit, i assume responsibility, i don't stand up for myself otherwise i feel bad, like i'm hurting the person, and than everyone pretends nothing happened the next day.
i know thats retarded
i stood up for myself
told her what i felt and why i felt it
and now shes the victim, in tears, and i should apologize, i'm retarded for not knowing what i did wrong, she did nothing wrong, everyone hates her, the world is against her so on and so forth

i'm sorry that the time i decided not to sabotage myself, not to completley disrespect myself, that it involved her
and it makes it worse because my reasons for not doing the above things because i always worry that i'm just adding my insignifacnt problems to their already growing load. that i can get over it and it doesn't really matter. so people contine to walk over me and i let them because i don't think anyone deserves to be upset, even if they treat me like shit.
and my friends always tell me i'm ebing stupid with that
and than she does all the things i fear that people will do if i stand up for myself.
she tells me that i used to be the one thing that wasn't wrong, and now i'm a part of the problem
that i'm really mean, and a bad person
all the things i feared a person would say
those exact words
which i though were delusion
are true

she doesn't understand how much shes fucking up my steps to make my brian less stupid.
with every one step i try to take with ymself, shes pushes me down 2 flights of stairs.

theres no talking to her
no reasoning
she's completly skewed in every way
even with compliments she takes it as an insult and gets defensive.
how can you talk to a person and get anything solved if instead of listening to you, they get stuck on the small unimportant(is that a word?) details and blocks everything else out.
i jsut can't talk to her
she doesn't understand how many flights of stairs she pushed me down
i never confront my problems
i never go to people to talk about ymself
i always feared their reaction
she has the reaction i fear in people.

she should understand
she;s my best friend
was my best friend
how can i be her friend
when she fucks up everything
she blames everything wrong in her life on everyone else
she blames dahna, who than believes her even if it doesn't involve her, because dahna is like that
she knows dahna is like that, thats why she does it
shes so manipulative.
everything she does is a lie
a front
she creates this image of herself that she controls and no one is allowed to see another side of her
i see it.
thats why she hates pictures of her self
even though shes gorgeous
even tho she gets 'discovered' by modeling agents almost everytime we go out
because its not something she can control
she didn't take the picture
its tnot the her she wants to give out.

she went into my digital camera a deleted pictures of herself without telling me
figured i wouldn't notice
thats like going into my room, stealing a destroying one of my painting
thinking to get away with it
how am i friends with that?

why am i still trying to be friends with her?
why am i still making this effort to have her like me?

all she does is hurt everyone
i'm revolted by her

that was a long entry
sorry for that
really bad mood.
and is houldn;t be
got back from comdey club
with her of course.

fuck.