Hello Kitty Notebook Version 4.0 (original) (raw)

at October 19th, 2005 (09:47 am)

current mood: pessimistic
current song: my Astronomy teacher

To put my im craze to you in livejournal form... It's not different from anything I wrote on AIM. My mood icon makes me smile.

So last night Brian and I had a fight and this morning Brian and I had a fight. The one that we had this morning is a reoccuring one. I can't help needing to get up the way I do and he's let me rely on him so I've gotton used to it. Let me summarize, in order for me to wake up without it being physically painful i need to wake up at least twice before actually needing to get up. I can't help it. Trust me, it's more of a pain for me than it is for him. Out o the last 4 times I've slept over, he has been unable to wake me up, not because he's not awake but because he can't seem to understand that my mumbling/groaning before I roll over and sleep does not indicate that I have woken up. I told him I need to be conscious, he needed to ask me questions or make me repeat what he is saying to me. But somehow he can't seem to do that. It's soo frustrating because everytime it happens I feel sick and terrible all day and I get wicked angry with him. And so far it's happened 3 out of 4 times so 3 out of 4 mornings I've been feeling terrible and angry with him. I hate being angry with him but he doesn't seem to get it. It just makes me feel like he is unreliable.

I've been really good about it. Aside from being angry in the morning, I get over it rather quickly and maybe that's why he feels like it's okay.But this happened after last night, when I told him that my cousin is in the hospital. My cousin Nicole had a severe, severe asthma attack and went into respiratory failure. That right there is more than Brian knows because when I told him, he was far too concerned about his shoes to pay attention to me. He doesn't listen to me. I feel like we don't share that mental connection. He has better conversations with you than me. Like I said last night to him, if we stopped dating today we would have nothing to say to each other. He has more inside jokes with you out of the last few times he's talked to you than he's ever had with me for almost a year in a half. In fact, I think he's listened to you more than he has to me. He doesn't seem to have time to listen to me, he's too busy trying to please me or having a superficial conversation with me to actually listen to me. To be honest, I'm reluctant to go to him as a result. Why go to him, if he's not to going to listen to me or support me at all.

I almost rather be his friend, he's way too serious as my boyfriend. It happened right away. We talked the way you and Brian talked the first date. After I kissed him and there was a potential relationship, that fun Brian who I connected with so well seemed to disappear. I don't know what to do. Overall he's a great guy and I love him more than I thought I could but, I don't think it's any coincidence that Jim is somehow back in my mind. Jim listened to me, I mean, he really listened. He was just as good as you and that's saying something. We connected mentally unlike I've ever felt before. Brian and I couldn't be more opposite from that. Hell, Greg did better before the lies started getting terrible. Granted, Jim was completely unreliable and he hurt me terribly but Brian's running the risk to hurt me in a similiar way to Greg because he doesn't listen and even when he seems to he doesn't hear me.

The fact that we've had the same argument 3 out of 4 nights spent together means that he is not listening to me. It's going to take us a very long time to actually have a real conversation, I understand that. That won't change overnight but I don't want to constantly be bitching at him. I don't want to have that same connection based on argument like I did with Greg. I can't to do this constantly. I mean, to be completely honest I'm surprised I'm so in love with him without that mental connection. I suppose he makes me laugh as well as other things and I feel something strong connection that's not mental. i don't know what it is though. Maybe we're hitting another lag in our relationship. But I don't know, the fact that we fought, made up, fell asleep, woke up, and fought again that really bothers me. So I don't know what to do. Oddly enough, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to sit down with Katie or anyone. I'm tired, I miss you, and I want to go home. The only thing that I feel happy about is judging by your away message you seem to be very happy.