The Adventures of Jerk and Bitch (original) (raw)

09 February 2006 @ 07:15 pm

Went with my jerk ass brother to a place in Iowa that is famous for its fabulous Cappuccinos and the Hookman. Nothing ruins my good buzz from a sweet and strong cappuccino like stories of people getting their guts ripped out by a one-armed, one-hooked, crazy psychotic bastard. Dean of course was thrilled as hell that we got to investigate a college dorm room, and I could have sworn that I saw him searching in a girl's panty drawer...maybe I've been gone to long and my brother has turned into a cross-dressing male-slut...

I met this sweet girl named Lori, and if I hadn't been still trying getting over Jessica, I might would have kissed her on the cheek, and possibly held her hand.

Anyway, we cornered the bastard at a church and I got sliced by that damn hook...thrown around a lot, and generally got my ass kicked while Dean took his sweet ass time melting down the silver cross that hung around Lori's necklace. That ass has done nothing but whine and complain because he got a bit dirty at the cemetery while my stomach is oozing blood all over the place..., does that sound right to you?

09 February 2006 @ 06:53 pm

Who the hell goes around attacking people with a fucking hook? I mean, it's not exactly the most conspicuous weapon out there? And, it's meassy as hell...blood splattering all over walls, furniture, trees, me, and Sam. Speaking of Sam, he met this cute little chick named Lori, I actually thought he stood a chance of at least getting to first base with her, but it turns out that her father is a reverend and she is all virtuous and innocent. And Sam...he's still trying to get over Jessica, so I'll cut him some slack this time.

Anyway, this Hookman bastard was terrorizing Lori...turns out that she was wearing a cross that he been forged out of the silver from Hook's hook...WTF?? Who the hell does that? He killed 13 prostitutes with a hook and the authorities melted it down so that they could make crosses with it...isn't that a bit blasphemous?? Yeah, I know Sam...I actually know a word longer than six letters...you're amazed, I know. Speaking of the cops, those stupid asses arrested me and Sam for trespassing in the woods near the road the Hook stalked at night, and they thought that we were the ones doing the killing or something like that. I mean, how stupid can you be? We were carrying double-barrell shot guns with rock salt NOT wearing a matching set of hooks. Oh, one last thing, this is the last time I will be going to a cemetery at night by myself while Sam stays back with the cute girl...

On a positive note, I did get to go to a college party, crawled into a a girl's dorm room, and snuck a pair of pink-laced panties for my collection...something about silk rubbing up against my crotch gets me hot...probably could have left that fact out but Dad taught me to be thorough when retelling a tale.

.

23 January 2006 @ 05:22 pm

I found the perfect video for my brother. This video is stunning in its visuals, its got award-winning music, and it sends a great message to all the people of the world.

I love my Emo Sammy!!

Current Mood: crazy

12 January 2006 @ 04:42 pm

Dean and I were in St. Louis dealing with a shapeshifter and this is why I hate those bastards:

1. They kill women for no apparent reason.
2. They think its funny to frame innocent human males with the murders of the women.
3. They shed their slimy skins and it looks and smells like something Dean would throw up or crap up.
4. They hit people over the head and tie them up.
5. They say really hateful things that almost make me cry.
6. They practically molest people when they have them tied up in their evil lairs.
7. They like beating the crap out of people.
8. They take the expressions "knife-play and blood-kink" just a little too far.
9. They caused my brother to be be framed as a serial killer before he was buried six feet under.
10. They give Dean even more of a reason to be vain.

BTW, wish I could order me another Dean to play with on certain occasions; one without a knife preferably.

I can't even begin to tell you how much this excites me...

Current Location: anywhere USA

Current Music: Stupid Ass Slayer

12 January 2006 @ 03:54 pm

Okay seriously, there should be a law against being as sexy as I am! I've always had somewhat of a high regard for my looks (some might even call me vain), but this latest case has proven to me that my vanity has been well founded for all these years.

Sam got a call from Rebecca, a college friend, and we were off to St. Louis to investigate a mysterious murder that Rebecca's brother had been accused of. Turns out this thing that killed Rebecca brother's wife looked like him but wasn't him, and of course the oh-so brilliant police caught the brother on a video camera but didn't notice that this thing's eyes flash silver at certain camera angles. Sam and I knew that something wasn't right and began investigating other murders in the area with the same M.O. (woman in her house stabbed to death-husband or boyfriend were arrested and charged for the murder).

We ended up going down in the sewer and figuring out that this thing was a shapeshifter who loses its skin once it has killed, and let me tell you that those skins are some nasty ass shit! They look like something I've puked up from Waffle House when I've had too much to drink. Anyway, this bastard came out of nowhere, hit me over the head, stole my necklace (apparently they need something of their doppelganger to assume their identity), and tied me up in its lair. Meanwhile, Sam was stuck with this beast wearing my skin and realized it pretty quickly, but he still got knocked out as well and was dragged down into the sewer. BTW, in the sewer the shapeshifter said some mean ass shit to my baby brother that I will let him share in his post and went off to kill Rebecca using my skin...What the fuck?! Dude, that is so not cool.

Apparently my better half flirted with Rebecca, got a little rough when she told him to fuck off, and tied her up so he could torture her, but the cops (can you believe they actually did something right?) broke into Rebecca's home, stopped the sexy shapeshifter from killing Rebecca, and guess whose face ended up on the TV wanted for being a serial killer after the bastard had escaped from the cops?

Meanwhile, Sam and I got free and Sam went back to Rebecca's the next day to check in on her, but guess what...the shapeshifter was now using Rebecca's skin and attacked Sam. Of course, this thing immediately shifted back to my skin because it missed my luscious body, and he and Sam beat the shit out of each other for like ten minutes. I waited in the corner watching this kick ass fight, snacked on some popcorn, got a lap dance from Rebecca, and almost forgot that Sammy needed my help, but in the end I shot the shapeshifting bastard dead and took back my necklace.

In conclusion, I was buried in St. Louis, had my pretty mug plastered all over the newspapers and TV for being a serial killer, and now I can never let the police know that a Dean Winchester with my fingerprints is still alive or my ass will be going to prison for a long long long time.

Still, I can't help but to think that it would be fun to have two of me again. Imagine what Sammy could do to us both...

It's not everyday you get to look at yourself when you're dead...but damn I'm sexy!

Current Location: anywhere besides Missouri

Current Mood: uncomfortable

Current Music: Slayer

08 January 2006 @ 10:44 am

Where is it written that I must share all of my secrets with Dean? Where is it written that I must bare my soul to him on a daily basis? Where it it written that he has a right to cut me off for the last three days because I won't tell him my deepest darkest secret (besides the one about me screwing my own brother)? Can't he just let me have my privacy? And not only is he not giving me any, he's teasing me, rubbing up against me "accidentally", bending over entirely too long when he drops something, and it's enough to really piss me off! Maybe, I'll return the favor and cut him off until he stops acting like a cocktease. And to think...he calls me the bitch of this partnership; yet he's the one acting like a pissy little cunt because he's not getting his way.

OH, and one last thing, that mother fucker actually screwed two girls at the same time the other night; yet he won't even give me a little kiss, does that seem right to you?

BTW, we met Bloody Mary, bled from the eyes, and killed her. Just another day in the life of the Winchester Boys.

Current Location: Nebraska

Current Mood: angry

05 January 2006 @ 10:27 am

In my line of work, I have heard and seen a lot of strange ass things, but this case blew me away. Arguably, one of the most infamous urban legends in America is Bloody Mary, and turns out the bitch actually exist. Historically, one wonders if the legend of Bloody Mary came from the English Queen Mary I who was nicknamed Bloody Mary when she began persecuting protestants and ended up burning over 300 of them alive, but all I know for sure is that if you say her name three times in a row in front of a mirror, it might not be you she comes after...

Nebraska, the day after New Years (what a way to bring in the new year), this guy dies in his house and his eyes were liquefied (that's just nine kinds of creepy), and it turns out that it was his daughter who had conjured up Mary not him, so Sam and I investigate and find out that the man had possible killed his own wife; thus Mary wanted to punish him for keeping his dark secret from the world. We hook up with Charley (another hottie I must confess), and begin to discover that Mary is after her because Charley broke up with her boyfriend causing him to kill himself. Now, I could argue until I was blue in the face that his death wasn't Charley's fault, but Mary just didn't seem to give a shit. There is no grey area as far as that bitch is concerned; only black and white, and Charley was clearly in the black.

Do you have any idea had hard it is to keep someone away from a reflective surface? That's what we had to do with Charley to keep Mary away. Sam came up with a plan to trap and kill Mary, but I wasn't so happy with his brilliant idea. He told me that he had a secret about Jess and that he thought he could get Mary to come after him. I'm like, what the hell Sam? What kind of secret is it? And he's like, if I told you it wouldn't be secret...WHAT A FUCKER! Anyway, we go to this mirror shop to locate the mirror Mary was murdered in front of, Sam conjures her up, bleeds from his eyes, and I break the mirror, plus a few more trapping her soul in the mirror, but as usual, the monster of the week has a surprise up her sleeve and steps out of the mirror and comes after the both of us. BOTH of our eyes bleed (I have a few secrets of my own), and I grab this smaller mirror, make the bitch look at herself, and she finally dies.

Do you have any idea how much bad luck I have from breaking all of those mirrors? I want live long enough to out live the bad luck that bitch has caused me.

BTW, Sam still won't tell me his secret. I'm a little hurt. I'm pissed actually, but it's his prerogative to keep the secret from me, but he won't be getting any until he tells me...I can promise you that!

"Time to place judgment on yourself Mary."

Current Location: Nebraska

Current Mood: curious

Current Music: Ted Nugent

26 December 2005 @ 10:50 pm

Hello boys.

Got a message from Jerry Panowski a few days ago. Said to pass along his thanks again for a job well done to you two. You apparently impressed him.

Heard through the grapevine that two men posing as federal agents slipped into the NTSB hangar where the wreckage from flight 2485 was stored. They have sketches of the two men. Luckily I trained you two better than to have gotten that sloppy. Whoever those people were better be more careful in the future, or I'm sure whoever trained them will put a foot right straddle their asses.

What's this about the Mile High Club? Something I should know about here? I know you two are prone to humpin' each other's legs at the oddest moments but shit like that . . . I KNOW I raised you better.

Know it's past Christmas now but Merry Anyway. Hope you didn't have too much trouble with Satan Claus.

P.S. Sam, son, you gotta stop dressin' your brother up like a girl.

Current Location: 33.424221 / -94.047279

19 December 2005 @ 04:14 pm

Man, what an awesome case! It had everything I love in life! Planes, demons, and a scared Dean!

Why I love demons:
1. I get to speak Latin which makes me sound really sexy.
2. They do the coolest thing with their eyes...wish I could do that, maybe one day.
3. They can make their heads turn around 360 degrees.
4. They have this sulfur smell which for some strange reason makes me hard.
5. They have sexy voices and can speak Latin (totally turns me on)
6. Dean hates them and that is too funny to me.

Why I love Flying:
1. I get to sit back and let someone else do the driving (I guess I do that a lot considering Dean drives the Impala 95% of the time).
2. The flight attendants look hot in those little skirts and the neckties.
3. I love the smell of stale recycled air.
4. The bathrooms are too cute with those silver toilet bowls and the blue liquid inside. Love the sound of the toilet flushing by the way, and the sink vanities are sturdy and can support a good deal of weight...
5. When the cabin pressure drops, Dean gets his hair totally messed up, and I can't help but to laugh my ass off.
6. I get to hear Dean humming Metallica while he tries to block out the sound of Donny and Marie from the guy next door (can't really blame Dean for being pissed about that one).
7. They have these cute little plastic trays with snack food and all the free water you could want.
8. Demons have nowhere to hide when they're stuck on a plane.
9.

Dean and I joined the Mile High Club

(damn, I didn't mean to type that...what if Dad reads this?)
10. Dean looks sexy as HELL in the flight attendant outfit I bought him. Something about a man in a skirt gets me really excited.

Dad, if you're reading this please just ignore numbers 9-10. I'm drunk right now and I am not in my right mind and naturally it's all Dean's fault.

You don't see this often...but Dean is scared to death, and I am so laughing my ass off at the moment!

Current Location: Pennsylvania

Current Mood: content

19 December 2005 @ 12:07 pm

This latest case was a real bitch! Why you ask? Because this case involved two things I hate (I mean I hate them even more than the Snuggle Bear) and that is flying and demons.

Why I hate demons:

1. One of them killed my mom.
2. My Dad is obsessed with them.
3. They ruined my life.
4. They smell like sulfur.
5. They lie and laugh evilly all the time.
6. They have creepy ass black eyes.
7. They take advantage of you when you're weak.
8. They talk too fucking much.
9. They like to torment and tempt humans.
10. They spit out pea soup.

Why I hate flying and planes: 1. I'm not in control when someone else is flying a 20,000-ton tin can.
2. Sammy tells me that I need to relax or I'm going to open myself up to a demonic possession (what the fuck kind of reverse psychology is that?)
3. They have gay men on them who check out my ass and smile at me (other than Sam of course).
4. They have these rinky-dink seats that barely hold my "baby got back" ass. I mean seriously, have you checked out what I got in the trunk?
5. They smell like baby shit and throw up.
6. They have really really small bathrooms that Bitch insisted that we inspect carefully because the demon could be hiding in the trash can, and naturally, his hand accidentally landed on my ass as he shoved me on top of the sink vanity and made us active members of the Mile High Club. He's such a douche...
7. Because demons like to take over planes and make them crash into the ground just for the hell of it.
8. When planes lose cabin pressure due to a demon malfunction it messes up my hair and that is not a good thing.
9. I can't take my gun, knife, or crossbow through security; yet this bastard on the plane next to me was able to bring a Donny and Marie CD that blared through his headphones and into my personal space. I swear to God that I would have blasted him on the principal alone if I had been able to bring my Glock on board. I swear that some people are just so self-centered and wrapped up in their own little worlds. I should sue the bastard for emotional damage. I mean who the fuck listens to Donny and Marie anyway?
10. Because Sammy made me dress up like a flight attendant when it was all said and done and kept telling me that he wanted to ring my call button...again I say, what a fucking DOUCHE!

BTW, Dad's voice mail is suddenly working again. He changed the message leaving word for people to call me on my cellphone if they need help. I guess something good came out of this case after all.

Sam masturbates to this picture of me daily...who can blame him.

Current Mood: cranky