JOKES (original) (raw)

Democratic post-soviet Russia, 1990s….

Mercedes 600 crashed to the old Zaporozhets. An old and skinny well-mannered man came out of Zaporozhets, he is professor of the university.

2 metres-tall and muscular New Russian came out of Mercedes 600. This strong and angry young man wants to beat old professor to the death!

- You are dead, man! You are dead! I’ll kill now! I am soooo disappointed, man! I’ll kill now!

- Please, wait a second! I think that situation is not so bad, as it seems to you now. Please try to calm down, and we’ll try to negotiate and to solve this problem!

- Are you kidding? Are you kidding, man? You damaged my Mercedes 600! What can you offer me to cover the damage? Your old funny car or what? Why I am even talking with you? I’d better kill you immediately!

Professor remains calm. He goes to his car, opens the door and brings…..a racoon!.....

- Look! This clever hard-working animal could be a very good compensation for the damage which I have done to you! Would you like to negotiate for this racoon?

New Russian became even angrier than before.

- You! Bastard! You are kidding with me! How dare you are? Are you having a fun about me, dead man?

Old Professor, however, remains calm and continues the negotiation.

- Wait! Wait! Calm down! Please, calm down! Listen, young man! Look at this animal! Do not you know that racoons always wash something? They are very clean animals. Those creatures are natural-born washers! This guy will wash your clothes much better than any woman in this world! I guarantee it, man! You will save an enormous amount of money on laundry! I swear, man! I swear!

New Russian, however, went absolutely mad after this explanation.

- Are you humiliating me in purpose, little freak? Why I am spending my time for your mad explanation? OK, man, I’ll kill you now!

Professor, however, does not loose the control and continues the negotiation…

- Calm down! Calm down, man! Look – only you and me here, and nobody else! If you want to kill me, you can do it any minute. Do not be in harry, you have a lot of time to kill me, man! However, if you’ll kill me, what do you gain? Your car is damaged anywhere. But if you want will take this racoon…..Oooooo, man! Oooooo, man! I promise you, you will never regret it!

I need to tell you one more thing. This racoon does the blow job amazingly! This guy will make you happy! I promise it, man! I guarantee it! 100% guarantee! No one woman in this world, no one, man! – even the most expensive whore from the best brothel in Paris, even she can not do anything even close to what this guy will do for you!

New Russian looked surprised after this unexpected turn, and even little bit shocked.

 Are you kidding or are you serious? You can’t be serious! You just can’t! This is a perversion! This is an abnormality! I do not want even think about this crazy perverse possibility! No! No! No!

 Listen, man! There is no sign of perversion in this! We all are living creatures, and, speaking biologically, human beings are also animals! For example, I’ll tell one scientific fact! A group of international researchers proved that people and chimpanzees share about 96% of genome! Scientifically speaking, there is no difference between you and me and this racoon! We are all the same! And also, look at the lips of this racoon! They are gentle, soft, sensitive…. And also…. you can try! Just try! The trial is for free, man! And if you do not like it, you will kill me, and nobody will know about what happened between you and racoon. What are you warring about? You can take this racoon, you can go to the bush and spend couple of minutes together. What is wrong about this? Nothing is wrong about this!

New Russian thinks “Well… OK… Why not just try?” He took a racoon; they went to the bush together and spent couple of minutes there. When he came back he was very happy:

-- OK, man! That’s the deal! I really like your offer!

Professor took his Zaporozhets and went away. New Russian took the racoon and drove his Mercedes 600 to the home. He came out of car with the racoon, he came to the door and rang the door-bell.

The wife of New Russian opened the door. He gave the racoon to the wife and told her:

-- Do you see this little fellow, woman!?! Tomorrow morning you will teach him how to make a coffee… and tomorrow afternoon we are going to divorce!