A Community for the Study of the Kabbalah (original) (raw)

So….I’ve been trying to meditate and…yeah…

I get that meditation is important. I believe that it is important because most of the more enlightened individuals that I’ve met (or read about) all practice and advocate the practice of meditation. Including the Dali Lama whom I so want to be like when I grow up.

The thing is…I’m not very good at it. I’ve tried lots of different types of meditation. I’ve tried where you stair at something, memorize it and then visualize it in your head and then slowly delete it mentally until you are suddenly left I with nothing. I’ve tried where you chant a word over and over again. I’ve tried just sitting still and focusing on my breathing. I’ve tried elaborate mental meditations where you visualize yourself in a garden or something. They all work for a little while but any prolonged practice and I find myself board once again, with my attention wondering off to who knows where (generally a book I’m reading, bills that need paying etc.)

When I tell people this they inevitably ask me “Why are you trying to meditate?”

Um…..I don’t know? B/c others far more enlightened than myself do? And they say that I should? Cause it’s, ya know, good for you and stuff. I’ve been given various reason as to the why of it too. It helps you to learn to sit still, it calms the mind, and it allows you to link with god. All that good stuff. Which is cool and all, but see problem number one: Any prolonged practice of any form (or several) eventually lead to the same conclusion. I’m sitting still while my mind is on a trip around the world.

I think I should like to be able to focus more. I’m…hyper, kinda. I’m a multitasker. I’m not happy unless I’m doing something. Just sitting still is, blah, it sucks. Why? I don’t know b/c it’s boring and I’d rather be doing something. I’ve got a lot to do, and I like it that way. But according to my Abbot we make ourselves to busy that we can’t think straight so that we don’t have time to think, but I do think, all the bloody time. Too much I would say. I think about god and body issues and bills and on and on. My mind is constantly thinking and I’m not sure what good sitting still and breathing—while yes it can help you to de-stress, so can a good run, or reading a good book, or some TV (just not too much) or even a nap. There are lots of ways to de-stress. I like deep breathing, and I’ve done it a lot but ugh, it feels hollow, it feels like there should be more to it. I sit still and I try to meditate and all that happens is that my mind goes else where. I can keep sitting there, I’ll probably start to nod off after a while, but sitting still and tyring to focus is difficult.

I don’t know why *I* want to meditate. I know what others have told me about why I should. But why *I* personally want to do it? Because someone told me it would be good for me and I believed them. Because I think I should. And that’s a horrible reason to do anything. I’m not saying that there aren’t benefits or anything, but it’s terrible to do something just b/c someone told you to. You should think things through more than that. But when I try to, when I try to think through meditation I just end up getting confused.

“Why do you want to meditate.”

“I don’t. I don’t like to. Not lengthy stuff that just makes me feel like I’m a failure. Sitting quietly for a moment with a few deep breathes that’s lovely. But the deeper stuff, the longer stuff. I don’t want to do that. Perhaps it will change with time but right now I don’t want to.

What is meditation supposed to achieve?

Clear clutter in mind: Can do that through journaling.

Train me to sit still, or focus: Focus good. Why is sitting still a good thing? Walking has always been the most helpful when it comes to getting my shit together. It also helps me to focus. So sitting still isn’t for me.

Allows you to link with God: Rituals.

So I find a way to get everything I’ve been promised from mediation from something else far more agreeable to me. So my answer to why I want to meditate is: I don’t.”