kayteebabyy87 (original) (raw)
finally home from a weekend of camping with my boyfriend and his family. what an experience that was. was pretty active. we played frisbee golf, horseshoes, and went fishing. ate pretty shitty though. but, i went out today, and got one of those steppers from gold's gym, and i'm pretty hopeful that i'll regularly use that, while continuing to go walking. i'm also pushing myself to get back into the diet ways as well. i went out and got all fruits and veggies for the week.
September 14th, 2010
soo... i did good yesterday with my diet, not so much the exercising though. i did however, try to stand as much as possible, and stretch while doing so. didn't exactly want to do squats, and push ups while working. haha. i had my spinach salad, which is so yummy, about 5 bottles of water, cut out my coffee which is extra extra, and picked up drinking tea instead. came home and had chicken breast, and a little bit of those pasta sides, with brocolli.
today, i got up and went for a mile and a half walk, which, go me! had my tea, i tried saving the dollar by making it at home, but the lid wouldnt stay on. damn. had a yogurt and put granola in it for breakfast, yum. didn't have time for lunch at work, so i chugged down an energy drink instead. not so good. not too happy with myself about that one. then, i came home and had a small bowl of chicken brocolli alfredo. not really having a great day for a diet, but, i can't deprive myself of food. i know that. like my dad always says "do more, eat less".
the situation with my boyfriend hasn't really improved. he did however, made the first move to fool around last night. and i did what he usually does, ignore it, and when he moved his hand from holding my tummy, i rolled over. when he asked if i was upset, i could tell that he was upset by me doing that. oh well. i rolled over, and gave in. two wrongs don't make a right.
well, that's all for now. im gonna go read, and if anything else pops into my head, i'll be sure to log on.
September 12th, 2010
scratch that, i highly doubt my boyfriend finds me attractive. every night is the same, i try to cuddle and try to get him to fool around with me, and its results in one of three ways. the first, i get an excuse. "my knee hurts.", "my back hurts", "im too tired." the second, he just completely ignores my advances, yawns, and falls asleep on me. which, with these two results, i wind up crying myself to sleep, which would be about 5 nights a week. and the third is, well, i actually get some, but in no way is he enthused. i pretty much die a little inside every time. he gets off in 2 minutes flat, and sometimes, he doesn't at all, and when that happens, he usually gets frustrated and tosses me aside like i'm nothing.
and when i say something, he gets really defensive, and gets angry with me about even bringing it up. but then he sees how upset i am after 10 minutes, and asks why i never say anything.
he claims that im the best part of his day, but he does nothing to do to prove it. i constantly have to be the one to send the "hows your day going?" text, or to even keep our sex life active. he doesn't talk much, and i have to beg him to come snuggle with me.
we celebrated our anniversary last night. his cousin came too. uninvited, by me at least. and we did everything his cousin wanted to do, and i caught him checking out other chicks while we were out. and his cousin was even trying to get him to admit that our waitress was hot, and he "pleaded the 5th".
now mind you, ive asked him so many times now to go walking with me, or at least push me to do it. he wont. so ive got to do it. work on the motivation all on my own, he doesn't offer any support.
i love him with all my heart, and i can't imagine my life without him. he's my everything, and he's the only person i've ever given my whole heart too. im just so lost as to what i can do feel that from him. i did when we first started dating, but now, i just feel like he's keeping me around due to responsibility, not out of love. i just don't feel the passion anymore. it breaks my heart to even say any of this. it hurts even more knowing that if i mentioned any of this to him, i know it'd be different for a day, then it'd go right back to me feeling this way
September 12th, 2010
i was big into online journals back in high school, and i found it rather theraputic. i'm back now to hopefully get myself back on track. so i can get my thoughts out of my head, and see them on a computer screen in front of me. hopefully, it'll help.
so, my current problems that are bugging me the most? well, im drastically gaining weight. like, its absolutely disgusting. how my boyfriend can still find me attractive, i have no idea. i keep saying, well this will be the week, but it never happens. like, last summer, i was training for the navy, and i was the skinniest i've ever been. too put it nicely to myself, i've been a fatass my whole life. so to be 165 was amazing. now, im at 255, a whole 90 pounds heavier. thats the same amount of weight as my best friend. disgusting, huh? i just cant get out of this rut. i live with his family, and he himself is relatively big, but he doesnt see a problem in it. like right now, hes eating a klondike bar. his mom is on the big side too, and all they eat is beef and pasta. theres one of my many problems. they just don't know how to eat healthy. well, they do, they just don't want too.
so, with this whole image problem, im not happy with myself. so, im no longer happy in my relationship. so i know that too be happy in my relationship, i need to be happy with myself. i just can't get out. im stuck. i hate it. i hate him for letting me be stuck. i hate his family for just accepting it. i want them to be like my family where they'll pick on me for being this big. this is the biggest i've ever been. i'm absolutely disgusted with myself.
so, my plan with this online journal, is to start motivating myself and being more honest with myself. i can't sit and eat ice cream at night. instead, i should eat some fruit. and instead of coming home and sitting on my very fat ass, i should go for a walk. so, fingers crossed, i'll be on here everynight. keeping track.
my goal is to lose 10 pounds a month, so by this time next year, i'll have lost 120 pounds, and i'll start toning. fingers crossed.
i'll track my meals, and my exercise.
wish me luck.