I don't want to make excuses, (original) (raw)

Plop. Plop. Fuck, my nose is bleeding again.

That is the only thing I can think of as my blood contaminates someone else's score of freshly cut, white chemicals.

"Shit, *Laura, i'm sorry," I apologize.

"Hey, don't worry about it," she replied, "you dont have aids, do you?"

I nodded my head "no" as she licked her finger and ingested my blood and the rest of her blow.

In the other room, there is about a half dozen people just like us. Licking and tasting the remains of their eight balls, trying so hard to make another line. They have no idea Laura and I have just finished the rest of the shit.

Damn, I am so happy right now. Too bad I never passed chemistry or I would cook this shit. Laura's roomate, my good friend, *Charles, jogs over to us.

"Lets dance!" He says as he grabs the cd case, he holds it out for us to "Pick one!" he yells. I snatch it and take it over to a corner like I just killed my dinner. Feeding time. I run over to the stereo and put in "!!!" and the dance party begins. Most of these people in this small downtown apartment I have never seen before tonight. Laura's friends. There is one boy passed out in the corner of the balcony, high on pcp, acid or drunk. I never saw him touch the blow, I have not a clue to what he is on. Maybe he's dead. Nah, can't be. He just lit a cigarette. I'm afraid he might burn his nice Gucci tie so I do him a favor and smoke his cigarette for him, he won't notice. I close the sliding screen door and watch the dance party. I'm so fucked up I can't see straight enough to boogy. Charles grabs Laura, spins her around, and they topple down to the carpet. Rug burns are not fun. You know, the female gender is really missing out on Charles. But why wouldn't something that gorgeous be gay? His tall, lanky body gets up and changes the cd. This is something we call "musical ADD." It really only makes sense if you're inebriated. Laura gets up in protest of Charles' musical selection, she changes the cd again. What a circus. The boxes that have yet to be unpacked remind me of the skyline of New York. The juice coming from the four or five trash bags laying in the kitchen provides the smell of the city. I'm sure theres a big (half-eaten) apple somewhere in the trash bags, too.

"Do we have any more?" Asks the boy from the two-some using blankets as a couch on the floor.

"Nah," I reply, stomping out my cigarette. I'll just leave that boy out on the balcony, he'll come-to in a few hours. "I'm coming down, too."

"Well, fuck, call T.J.!" He orders.

"T.J. goes to bed at like, nine, fucker," Laura interrupts. "Shut the hell up and drink some more vodka, you're ruining my dance party!"

"Your 'dance party,' if you aren't aware, is you and some FAG falling all over each other, no one else gives a shit, IM OUT. Come on Karen!" He yells, as he grabs the girl's arm beside him to stand her up. She gives me an apologetic look as I watch the drama unfold like a movie. Laura screams something incoherant as he slams the door. All this noise has, in the mean-time, woken up balcony boy. He wakes up and stumbles to the door himself.

"Who the fuck was that on the balcony?" Charles asks Laura.

"I thought you knew him," she replies.

Silence.

Then suddenly the two grow huge grins on their faces and laughter fills the room. They fall down on the blanket-couch and I join them. The laughter ceases, and the three of us are emeged deep in thought.

How in the fuck did I get here? Who am I? I dont do drugs. I did drugs when I was fourteen, i'm an adult. For God's sake I turn ninteen in a few months. Most nineteen year olds are in college working their way to a degree and a career. I have a GED. Most nineteen year olds max out their credit cards on clothes, or car parts, or grocerys or something. I max out my credit card by V-COMing that shit at 7-11 for cash to buy cocaine. I dont know what i'm doing with my life. I live the night llife, the dream life, the fast and glamourous life. My life is awesome.

"Shit, Kim," Laura says as she holds up a mirror to my face.

The blood is down to my chin.

*names have been changed

END OF PART ONE