a beautiful disaster (original) (raw)

I use this as a personal diary. Please respect my privacy and know that thoughts here are more unedited and stream-of-conciousness than refined or even logical.

For my true blog, with lots of art, pictures, etc, hit up Journal Girl.

While all my fandom posting used to be here, you can now find me over on Tumblr.

You can find my stories on fanfiction.net as well.

Master Fic List
(this list includes any NC-17 stories that aren't allowed on ff.net)

Has it seriously been two and a half years?

I used to live on this site. Met many people I consider friends over here. Now, I blog anomously over on Tumblr, or post fic directly to AO3. Or blog. But lately, I've been recovering from pretty much a nervous breakdown/hospital stay, and trying to get back to work.

Damn, being here makes me want to write fic again. And I finally have a little time to do it.

Feeling decidedly odd today. Nostalgic? Longing? Out of sync?

I can't find a word for it.

I'm thinking of the novel I wrote last year (for NaNo, a nice, long Doctor Who adventure) and how I've had the beta'ed copy on my computer since July, and haven't gone back through or posted it. That I used to write and post right away, seeking validation through comments or favorites or likes or whatever said-site uses. Kudos? Favorites? Follows?

I'm thinking of the projects put off, the paintings never finished, the seasons unappreciated. How the days grow shorter and the weather cooler and I'm stuck in this field of insomnia and night-living, seeking connection with people that are busy with their own lives.

Many days, I feel like an invisible girl, standing on the top of a large hill, screaming through a megaphone --

-- and everyone is looking in the other direction.

(I am so afraid of being forgotten, I cry at the thought of no one noticing my life. Does that make me inconsequential? Or am I simply not equipped to remain relevant to the world?)

Wow. Been awhile, yes?

Life has been BUSY. I've upped my game and am now doing freelance video editing for artists -- be still my heart; I've wanted this for a long time!! -- as well as teaching my own classes here and there...both online and in-person.

I also took my first vacation in 6 YEARS to Florida to visit friends and had a life-changing experience. It's too much to write about now, but it has changed ME and how I see myself. Everything was put into perspective. I realized, being outside my normal, day-to-day enviroment, what I loved and disliked, what I missed, what I lingered on, what truly mattered.

I know one thing I want to do is get back into fandom. I've been out on the edges for awhile, now, skimming. I've been reading a lot the past few days, and here and there....mostly on my phone, so I owe a LOT of people feedback!

I miss writing. I haven't in MONTHS. I have my copy of my Doctor Who fic back from tkel_paris that I've skimmed, but have to read through (it's a novel of a fic, so will take awhile to edit and whip into shape!). It doesn't help that I've been reading fics from the recent series and already have ideas for things to write -- I'm a huge Rory fan and must give him some attention! -- and need to switch my brain back to my babies...my OTP...

And now I shall stop slacking and find some dinner. Spent the day cleaning and have loads to do before bed.

Love ya all, and miss you!

Kira

Hola!

Wow, it's been forever since I've updated over here.

Life has been mondo busy for the past month? Two months? Crazy insane with opportunities and fun stuff and classes to teach. I had to create 5 pieces for a major art magazine, and crap -- just remembered the article's due May 1st. Probably should get on that.

Slept the day away, so I'll do it tomorrow. Or Friday. GAH. See? More deadlines!

But all is good.

Except for when the sky fell on me 2 weeks ago and I had to go to the ER and got a concussion and am suffering from post-concussive syndrome which has seriously fucked with my sleep schedule and given me migraines for the first time in my entire life.

Right. All good except that shit. *sigh*

My fic has had the misfortune of falling into the same pitfall. I swear....the thing's cursed. The longer I go without posting it, the worse I think it is, and the less I want to post because it must be bad as no one's missed it!

But I think I'll write tonight. Maybe. My head's already pounding, and despite my 5 hour nap, I could totally go back to bed...

Soooo fuckin' bored, so I'll post to LJ!

BOTH my video cameras have dead batteries, just as I'm about to finish filming for this week. WHY OH WHY? I even consumed a VENTI CHAI LATTE in preparation for said filming so I'm not a dead zombie on camera. BUT NOW I MAY BE BECAUSE I CAN'T STAY THIS CAFFEINATED FOREVER. The crash may just kill me.

This week went by incredibly fast. The best part BY FAR was when I got to see Wicked.

Look! We got all dressed up just for the occasion! (is my friend Becca on the left, me on the right)

It was an AMAZING show, and I loved it, and may now finally listen to the soundtrack with something akin to glee as I know what was going on -- and it was MUCH more uplifting and fun than I thought it would be based on all the media hype for the past forever.

However, the reason I was able to go is a much sadder one. One of Becca's wife's dogs was sick. Like, really sick. Like the wife stayed home to spend as much time with the dog as possible. I got a text the next day of bad news, and I'm going to stop there because I have a vid to film yet and am wearing make-up. It's incredibly sad, and a gap will most definitely be felt the next time I visit their house.

Drawing class this week was fun. We're doing a LOT more with charcoal. That stuff gets everywhere. I just took off my ring and found a bunch under it! It's so much fun and really changing how I not only use art supplies, but approach shading and shape. I'm having a ball. Got an A on my first portfolio of the semester, which feels nice even though it doesn't matter (already got my BA, thankyouverymuch).

There is also a cute boy in my class. ;)

Anyway, yeah. Week was just me dealing with medication and insurance issues. Can you believe my insurance only saves me 20?ONA20? ON A 20?ONA145 PRESCRIPTION? Yeah. I'm canceling it and getting something else, because it isn't cost effective for me to be paying them $200 on top of what I already pay. I've been doing out-of-pocket for 2 years, now, and have been okay most of the time.

Just have to get a new workshop out there to make some extra funds. It'd be nice to have a savings account again.

Sooo...just waiting for camera batteries to charge so I can finish filming. This weekend will be The Weekend of Editing and Answering Long Overdue Emails. I haven't even replied to comments over here. I'm SO BAD AT IT. *hangs head* I'm trying, so that counts, right?

My book (a gift from Ambre on Tumblr!) is sooooo good. I'm reading

House Rules

by Jodi Picoult. Her books are usually hit or miss with me, but when they hit, they are AMAZING. This one's no different. It's REALLY a great story and is helping me to understand Aspies better. With my FMS, I have the things about being overstimulated and the feel of fabric and tags on my skin, as well as needing a sensory break. But there's so much more, and I wish everyone could read this book. It'd make a kinder world for Aspies and their parents.

Okay. Time to check the batteries. I WILL FINISH THIS ALL TONIGHT. And then sleep. I like sleep.

Thank you sykira for the v-gifts!!

Yesterday was FUN! We went to see This Means War since I wasn't able to catch up with mga1999 to see it and OMG I LOVED IT! Not only were the boys adorable, but the story was actually wonderful and there were so many laugh-out-loud moments! So I'd like to see it again before it leaves theaters. Can't miss with Chris Pine on a big screen.

The shoes I got as a gift were KILL ME, so I hobbled into a nearby Target after the movie and begged the customer service lady if I could return the shoes and grab a pair of flats since I'd only worn the shoes to the theater and then into the store. Thankfully, she did! I grabbed a pair of flat black ballet flats, and while they do squeeze a bit, I was MUCH happier with them and was able to walk normally!

We hit up Benihana and I hadn't realized how much I'd missed Japanese stuff. Our waitress was actually Japanese, so I got to chat with her with what I can remembered of years of anime, manga, and college language classes (which turned out to be more than I thought, and I felt waaaaay cool whenever she came around).

I think the biggest thing I learned was that I'm really a grown-up. This was the first year ever I've not had a cake, or wrapped gifts (I actually ordered my own and the box arrived ON my birthday), or seen friends, and I thought I'd be extra depressed since I have this horrible anxiety about my birthday in general, but ended up having a great time. Okay, yes, I wish I could have had a cake, but I decided that I'm just going to take care of everything myself instead of depending on others. Which may be sad; I used to see someone going out of their way to get me a cake as meaning they cared about me a lot, but now, I'm not going to get wrapped up in all that. Hopefully, I'll still get a surprise in the mail, but I'm not going to expect too much anymore. Oh, well. This happy post has gotten a little sad, so I'm gonna stop here and say wheee! I'm closer to 30 than 20 and yet feel no different.

Today, I've been sleeping and relaxing, as those shoes did a number on my entire body and I've been hangin' with my best friend Narco all day.

Trying to work on this week's issue of Journaling Deep without access to the nice camera or my desktop computer. So I apologize in advance for the less-than-stellar photos and the lateness that will probably result, as I write all my stuff on my desktop, and only have bare bones on the laptop. At least I can get it all layed out. Laid? Whatever. It'll be formatted and I can just spend a little time getting the text in there later. Idiot #2 is working on the switches in his room, and his room and mine share a breaker, so I've had to use a flashlight to gather materials and shoot photos in the kitchen since that has the best light.

So I'll post to LJ again!

Writing these entries is so cathartic, even if I don't get many comments. Read: many on the last one I wrote. Maybe I'm boring or something, or the entry was too long. Whatever the case, I'm writing this more for me and the three people in my life I KNOW are reading these.

Spent the day pretty well on-task and feel okay with what I accomplished today. I did, however, have another panic attack, and had to "borrow" some Vailum from someone to calm down before I repeatedly hit my head against the wall. I really have no idea what the fuck is going on, but they are the worst thing IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I hate them. Nothing I can do right now, though, but survive, and I have thus far.

I really, REALLY want to post more of my fic, because I know a couple of people are enjoying it. I just have to get it off to someone to read through and help me make sense of the mess. I really thought I'd written something good and compelling, but don't have many comments to show for it. Ah, well. It's already finished. And while I've started a sequel, I may never finish it without a bit of cheerleading and feedback on the current one.

Which sucks. When I was writing in the Fringe fandom, I had followers and notes and comments. And I put together a well-researched fic. But jumping in somewhere new...*sigh* I have another one-shot to write for Doctor Who, and I want to re-write the short story 'The Copper Beeches' for Sherlock, but I have, like, NO TIME. I rarely read anymore! I think the only person who's stuff I read is ellyfanfic -- she's prolific enough to keep me happy, but I'm behind anyway!

Damn. I'm hungry. I'm sick of living on yogurt, cereal, and noodles. I may hit a drive-thru, but I hate that stuff, too. I like making my own food, but just haven't had the energy. My flare-up's dying down, which has left me completely exhausted. I swear, if I lived alone, I'd go weeks without eating from the finicky fibro alone...

Wow. What a depressing update! I am actually really happy and excited for all these classes I'm creating and teaching and offering, and I've decided to invade peoples' houses for the entire summer. Three months of travel, guest rooms, and fun? Sign me up PLEASE! (Plus, I miss jun_inohara like MAD CRAZY...and was recently adopted as her and Meg's triplet!)

Just sitting down to write a blog entry after spending four hours working on my Drawing I homework; I realized that was pretty much all I could spend on it, as I'm just on this side of feeling somewhat better.

Yes! That means I didn't wake up this morning in complete agony!

Yesterday was a testing day. I woke up in so much pain, I really wanted to die. I'm serious. I think I even posted about it to Facebook; I just couldn't get a moment to catch a breath, and my medications were barely touching it. I haven't had a flare-up this bad in YEARS, and adding that with my new predilection to panic attacks, well...it wasn't a good day.

Still got up and went to class. I think sitting for 6 hours a week on those drawing benches is really fucking with my back, even though I brought in my own pillow. I think I'll turn it around tomorrow so I can sit with my back against the rest and just balance my drawing board on my knees.

Shall see how that works. I'll have to bring an apron, as we're working with charcoal, now.

I DID manage to get my new blog design up and running, which is fantastic, and makes me feel good that that is the face I'm presenting to the world, and it was an amazing distraction for me yesterday as I moaned on the couch. Bah. But it's up, and a new vid is up, and so there.

One thing I've really been dealing with is doing ENOUGH. Running Journaling Deep is bringing in a good amount of money to pay for meds and bills and groceries, but I still get one or two unsubs a month. Which isn't bad, considering I get 2-4 new people a month, for about the past month or so (any ideas on how I can build that up would be appreciated!). Up until a few days ago, I wasn't getting any responses from the list despite asking for feedback, so was getting pretty sad about the whole thing.

But then I realized the most recent unsubs (2 in one night!) were REALLY a kick in the ass from Goddess to get back to work instead of just depending on the income from the list. I'd gotten lazy lately, or maybe the pain's messing with my head, but I prefer to see this all in a positive way, and use the sadness and such as a kick to get working on stuff. But now I'm worrying, every day, that I'm not doing ENOUGH every day, and worry about things not staying steady. Which they will, I know, because I AM sending out amazing work every week. I just don't want to disappoint, so as I sit here, resting, I'm worried I haven't done enough.

And then I look online and don't see me mentioned, or tons of comments on my latest FB page posts, or people talking about me on Twitter or FB, and I guess I'm not AS well known as I thought. And if I go even a few days without doing something on the blog, etc, I feel like I'll be completely forgotten. For example, I posted a pic of my workspace the other night, with the two smaller paintings I'd finished that day on it, and got ONE comment. I thought the paintings were good, and posting to FB suddenly made me unsure of myself or what I'd made. I haven't even touched them since then. Or gone in my studio. I hate how insecure I can get when my world's tinted by this pain. I'm sure I annoy people with all this.

God DAMN my body hurts! I just want to cry all the time. I've NEVER had it last this long, this intensely. I am seriously going crazy. I'll get to bed early tonight, though, since I have class in the morning, and hope I'm more motivated to do anything than today. I sat with a ucky feeling in my stomach, tired, with nothing seeming interesting or worth doing. So I took a nap. I LIKE my job. I like everything I do! I just...can I get a break yet? Or am I still being karmicly punished for some terrible thing I did (not that I know of anything terrible...I may have foregone getting cards for the fam today....).

Okay. Gotta write that blog post before I go to bed. The pain's always worse at night, so I'm about to get loopy on pain medication and wow, isn't that fun.

Oh, and reply to the comments on my last post. <3 you guys!

Posting here because YAY, I'm actually chatting with people over here again!

That, and I don't want to post too much personal stuff to Tumblr. I like my anonymity over there. Actually, I feel like a big sister with lots of emo little sisters who I want to protect and help and such. I signed up to be an AZ rep for the new Emergency Center, and got my first message yesterday. The person hasn't contacted me, which worries me. I have training as a peer mediator, so I'm not just someone for them to listen to, but can help them solve a problem. And I work with kids. So I'm not a weirdo or anything. It's kinda a responsibility I take seriously. For about a year, now, I've been contemplating going back to school for either a Master's in Social Work or Psychology, since it would pair wonderfully with my current job. *sigh* We'll see. I hit default on my loans for my Bachelor's a year ago, so it's not like I'd get much monetary assistance to go to grad school....

Today sucked BIG TIME. I had a flare-up yesterday that absolutely killed me today. I managed to shuffle through the grocery store this afternoon, but the pain was so bad, I ended up flat on my back in bed, unable to really move without crying. God, I hate times like those. When I can't move and my world shrinks to whomever comes in my room to see me (read: no one) or people online. I reloaded Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr like, 1 million times hoping for someone to talk to (and didn't find anyone, really).

I DID watch the episode of Who Do You Think You Are with David Tennant, and that made me happy because I could listen to him read a phone book, but it actually turned out to be fascinating. And I realized the American version sucks mostly because we don't have nearly as much history as they do over in the UK.

Here's an except from a journal entry I wrote when I was at my worst:

It took me nearly 45 minutes to grab yogurt, granola, a loaf of bread, and 4 oranges.

My breath was heaving as though I’d just run an marathon. My entire body was sore and throbbing; my back hurt so bad, I could imagine it cracking in half.

Imagine this: you get up to walk and can’t bend your knees. Your hips don’t allow much movement. And when you push your legs to walk normally, you’re hit with a spike of pain so intense, you fall sideways into the wall, head swimming as dizziness overtakes you. The ache has spread through your body like paint covering your skin, and is stretching up around your jaw. Words are hard to form. Thoughts are foggy, segmented, pieces you can’t grasp.

(I spent 10 minutes trying to remember the name Marilyn Monroe; I could see all the things connected with her, all the elements that made up her identity in my mind, but couldn’t…just couldn’t reach her name.)

These are the days I hate. The ones that challenge me and remind me I’m not a healthy woman, that I need to watch it or else things can get worse. I am lying flat on my back in bed, laptop balanced on my knees, headphones pumping in music. Art supplies are spread across the bed, my feet tucked under them. In essence, my world has been reduced to the connections I can make on the internet and this program, where I can write my words. Because I want to scream and shout them over the rooftops but can’t. So I’m going to type them and give them to the world.

But here’s the thing, the really amazing, important, true thing:

I can get through this.

Now I'm watching An Idiot Abroad while The Fades records so I can watch that and curl up in bed with a book a friend bought me ages ago that I really need to read for my own good.

Wow. Writing an informal blog post is oddly relaxing. My blog is great and I write a lot of personal things, but there's a definite focus over there. This just feels like I'm writing a letter to my friends.