What happened? (original) (raw)

It is 2019.
When did this happen.

I remember updating my LJ account regularly from a shitty old PC at my mother’s desk.
I’m 35 years old... not 15 years young.
If only I could meet up with everyone at a bar for a beer to say “how the fuck are you”?
But I can’t. Because I’m dead.

Not in the sense of lacking life, but just inside. I have no faith left in this universe, this earth, this existence.
It is 1:51 am & im jobless. At 35.
I have no career. My car is one I borrow from my girlfriend, who is incredibly successful but for some reason wants me around? I’m not good company, so why?
Am I just a good shag from time to time? My cooking is fairly decent. Perhaps that helps.

I shouldn’t be writing this, but I am.
I am sober, and awake. This isn’t some ambien fueled rant like my ‘good ol’ days. And I don’t even really drink.
I smoked a little weed earlier, but maybe 1/5 gram? Enough to get a few giggles in, nothing else.

Today was overtly boring. I watched some dogs, that’s what I do now, care for people’s dogs... and ate fast food for dinner.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I put up a good exterior fight, like I’m doing well. But I’m not.

I heard from my family, through a channel, that everyone thinks I’m a fuck up. My mom thinks I’m a fuck up without any good job prospects and no savings or anything.
I took my anti depressants earlier today, I’ve been trying to make that a thing I do every day, but some days I forget... or I go like 36 hours between caps.
I looked at my Senior yearbook tonight... people wrote such nice things in the margins. Was I ever actually a good person, or were those just falsehoods then too?

I’m going to do this again. Soon. If you read this, tell me. I want someone who reads this to text me. 253.threezero4.7one6one

Just say ‘hi’, I need a hello right now.