Exactly like that except completely different! (original) (raw)

THE GOOD

I've made it to this day without missing any work or having any sort of anxiety attack, freakout, or crying fit at work (though I came close a time or two). All of this despite a slightly tense year-end review with my boss' boss.

Despite being out of meds (I am really really really broke. Like, 'WTF AM I GOING TO EAT NEXT WEEK?!' broke) I'm doing pretty well. Head's a little swimmy, but I think I'm doing amazingly well with no meds considering all the other stuff that's been heaped up on me this week. If I can make it through this, I can make it through anything, I guess?

I did some writing this week, tallying up thus far two crack drabbles (No link provided to save the minds of the innocent), a new chapter of Zoo Days and a new chapter of Inevi. All thanks to some old friends whom I haven't really spoken spoken to for a while casting some motivation my way. Thanks again, Tori, Winny, and the TTs.

On that note, I feel like I've made some headway as far as intrapersonal stuff goes, and also got some semi-reassuring consulation on some other notes. Maybe one day I can accept the past is over. That'll be hard though, since every day I prepare myself and once more forgive the hurt I've suffered. Partly because I hope one day this bad spell will end. I suppose I need to accept, but because it's over, not because I don't want it to be.

THE BAD

The whole break-up thing still has me reeling. Thank god it wasn't serious, we had just been seeing each other for a month, and hadn't even kissed or anything. I still go over things like her saying "I really like you." and how well our last date/meeting went and wondering "WTF happened?" but, as said, it wasn't too serious and I'm basically okay.

Work is still strange. I feel like a leper here. Like everyone is mad at me for being gone for so long this year-- and twice to boot! My first day back, none of my direct coworkers even said "Hi" to me, really, which really hurt. I'm also terrified of making a mistake and getting fired. So yeah, sorta stressful here.

My house is a MESS. A very bad mess. And somehow I can't find the motivation to fix it.

Otakon is coming up, and I can't afford it and might not be able to make it there due to other factors. Very few of my friends will be there, but Greg is going and I'd hate to both miss this Con I've gone to for the last decade but also to leave him by himself like that. Doing Cons alone is boring and sad. I just pray I'm able to make it.

Still feeling lonely and confused on some intrapersonal fronts. I've heard and had many experiences this week that has given me more food for thought, and I am sorta thinking about the whole mess obessively, which isn't good, but I can't seem to stop either. It's even disturbing my sleep. I'm glad things are totally bad, though, and that I do have some friends I can count on.

EDIT: I thought about it, and I guess I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like, all those close to me know I'm depressed and anxious and went to extensive treatment for it and I'm not only slightly embarassed, but also scared that they think I'm weird or crazy or a drain.

I feel like I have to be perfectly funny, charming, sweet, intelligent, and worth talking to, or I'll lose even more people in my life. And I don't even DARE talk about how I'm feeling, doing, or anything negative.

...Except for year, and with you wonderful people. *hugs* I think I'd go crazy without this journal.

I wrote fic, but I still feel super super super insecure about them, especially the new chapter of Inevi. I haven't gotten much feedback on the later, and I know it's the one with the high expectations from readers, so yeah, a little freaked. I'm glad I wrote it, but writing and posting something public and personal like fic can be a very raw experience, y' know?

...And I think that's about it.

Just musing, I guess. *hmmms, and returns to work, still lost in thought*