Listening to the crashing waves... (original) (raw)
When everything begins to crumble...
When you can’t see past tomorrow anymore and you’re not even sure you want to.
January 1st, 2018
As 2018 starts, like everyone, I reflect on the past year.
I attended 17 concerts: Michael Bolton, Kate Voegele, Sail Across the Sun, Of Good Nature (x3), Flagship Romance, Steve Winwood, the Head and the Heart, Idina Menzel, Third Eye Blind, The Novelists, X Ambassadors, Post Modern Jukebox, October Fest, Florida Georgia Line, Brian Setzer Orchestra & The Big Ticket.
I went on my first music cruise.
I traveled to 5 states. And to one country. New York, California, Tennessee, Massachusetts & North Carolina.
Saw the solar eclipse from Nashville Zoo.
I met a few new friends.
I lost two uncles.
October 15th, 2017
Read, don't read, I don't care. I'm just done protecting everyone's feelings or perceptions of me. So this is me.
I hurt. I have feelings. I know most of you think my life is all rainbows & sunshine but it's not. My brain likes to whisper to me that I'm worthless, sometimes I'm strong enough to tell it to shut up most of the time I curl into a ball cry a little & then dust myself off and continue on. The second part of that gets harder & harder every day.
If I like someone, they don't like me. I feel used. I feel let down. I feel hurt. And I don't even know what to do. Maybe they do like me, but not like I like them & then I feel worthless, unlovable & invisible.
October 15th, 2017
I deactivated my Facebook, I deleted Twitter & Instagram from my phone.
I have never felt so alone. I've never felt so disconnected from my friends.
The smiles are getting harder. The mask is finally slipping, you may begin to see the sadness in my eyes.
I wrote a letter where I was so vulnerable and now I feel like shit. He doesn't care he never did. I could disappear & no one would care.
August 29th, 2015
Today I have been incredibly pensive and alone in my own thoughts. I have done a lot of reading (yes, it was fanfic, but no less intriguing than any book I could picked up) I just started wondering if my reactions are a culmination of what my parents put in my head and what I see other people do and less about how I actually feel. Do I say things and do things because my parents did or said those same things? Do I even have any original thoughts in my head anymore. I feel lost more often than not and now I've just been thinking about this all day and I've come to the conclusion that I have no idea who I am...I stand for nothing, I believe in nothing and I am nothing. So where do I start?
Screaming but I don't have the words
July 11th, 2015
I was told today that the best way to get out of your own head is to write it down.
May 19th, 2015
A year ago today should have been the end -- instead it was the beginning of misery. He went ballistic, and we should have had him locked away. Instead I locked myself away and remained scared in my room. Two days later he disappeared and I have regretted ever since that day that i ever told my dad to bail him out.
You would have thought he learned his lesson, but he's worse than ever. To the point he told my dad he was upset he didn't get a present for his birthday last year -- um WE BAILED YOUR ASS OUT OF JAIL -- really?? With the bail, lawyer fees and court fees you got a 20,000 dollar birthday present last year. You have no idea. He is a user. And when confronted about being a user he doesn't understand why we think this.
I wish that I had told my dad a year ago today that M was a hot headed jackass that he doesn't need in his life.
Dad even told me the other day that theres a method to his "madness" the reason he gets M more stuff, is so he will leave and go do stuff, giving us peace. Really?!? because if you think this way, then why would you keep him around. I hate being here when he's here.
I'm stuck.
March 19th, 2015
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January 21st, 2015
Watched four different movies today.
1. What we did on our holiday
2. Wish I was Here
3. Alexander and the terrible, horrible no good day
4. The Odd Life of Timothy Green
January 19th, 2015
I don't even know who reads this anymore. I just want to write, whether or not anyone see it. I was reading over old journal entries tonight, by the way not a smart thing to do when you are already in a melancholy mood. I seriously burst into tears when I read about going to the movies with the grams, even as I type this I'm near tears again. It's been five years this April since I lost her and it stil hurts everyday. I hurts that I can't call her up and talk about nothing, or go to the movie or just go and play a game with her. I lost my best friend, my confidante and I so badly need to talk to her right now. Even if we just sat on the phone and talked about nothing, that'd be enough for me. I just want to hear my grandfather say "Hold on, let me get her" one more time, talk to him about how to hook up the cable and what channels are the most fun to watch, talk to her about my life and tell her about Portugal and how much it sucks when someone uses you. I want to go see a movie and hear her laugh. I want to go to my grandparents house and hold a pigeon. But I can't do any of that. I can't even call their number anymore -- it no longer exists. The first number I memorized after my home number, do people even remember numbers anymore or are they just "saved" Even now after all these years I know it 904 781 9155. and this is just the tip of th eiceburg of thing that are causing me to feel off and sad and disconnected.
Everyone seems to have someone, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone around...and I just don't. I don't feel comfortable talking to my dad cause all he does is tell Mike, and I really don't want that asshole in my life or knowing about everything. So I'm alone. Yea, sure I can call my mom, but I think even she gets sick of hearing about the same crap. I can't figure out how Mike is even still here, everything he has put my father through and he is still here. I can't get over my anger and I'm just getting more and more withdrawn. I hate being in the same room as him. I just want my dad to be happy, and this guy he's just a user, go Ryan, you were right, you saw it right away.
And speaking of Ryan, god....I don't even know what to say. I know now (probably even knew then) that he purposely pushed me away so it wouldn't hurt when he died...yea...sorry but feeling like complete crap and that you didn't care about me at all hurts a hell of a lot more. So push me away and hurt me so I won't hurt later -- what an amazing plan. He blocked me on twitter, he won't answer my texts and well won't answer emails either. Amazing. Three years totally wasted. The one and only time I curled up in my mom's lap after being a child was the night he told me he couldn't speak to me anymore. I balled, don't think I've ever cried that hard, especially not in front of someone. I literally climbed in her lap and cried, 28 years old. So if he think that didn't hurt...well obviously he didn't really care. How could you. Everyone needs to stop trying to protect me from life. "If I don't tell her why I'm pushing her away, but I think it's for her own good, then it's fine." I'm sick of it. Everyone just deciding what I'm allowed to know and what I'm not. I'm 31 and they are still doing it. I find out months or years later about things and get the old line "I didn't feel like you needed to know" "we were trying to protect you"
I thought I wanted to say more.