Bouncing Off Of Clouds (original) (raw)

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13th November 2012

4:09am: This is the last feeling dump I'll put up for a while.

I'm not that great. Sometimes I have ridiculous tantrums. Somedays, I'm incredibly silly. People always assume I'm too laid back and care free- but I try, just as hard as anyone else. I'm not interesting, I just follow the waves. I don't have many likes, so I cherish what I do have. Art is the only thing I have that keeps me sane. I'm not pretty. I don't talk to a lot of people I fear I'm bothering. I know I have a lot of short comings- I don't need to be reminded constantly. I'm extremely depressed and it feels like there's no way out. I'm much more vulnerable than I let on. I don't have much, and all I do is try

Sorry that I'm not all that interesting. Sorry that I'm not dynamic. Sorry that sometimes I get too caught up in my few pleasures. Sorry it's hard for me to be the successful girl you want me to be.

Sorry for all my failures.

Sorry.

Sorry...

23rd May 2012

3:16am: Frustrations. I needed a place to vent that wasn't Facebook. I just need to get this out of my system. And a birthday reminder reminded me of LJ. Haven't been here in a while. Feel free to tell me if I was a little too... sensitive myself, I dunno. I just feel disrespected.

This is directed at someone, but I'm choosing not to bring it up and turn this into a drama, considering they can be overly sensitive, and this could probably brew up a friend war, and I'm tired of seeing them all over the place, so I'd rather pass. So I guess this is kind of an anon letter?

Dear Friend,

Aight, to start this little thing off... when I visited, you were quite in a tizz about my boyfriend not talking to you in quite a while... How many times must I explain that not only is he now rather busy with work, I've already explained countless times that he's not personally talking to or hanging out with anyone until he feels enough stability to do so. You recognized this and respected this decision, so I figured you'd be more understanding. The anger was quuuite unnecessary. Besides, I hear it from a lot of people, ones that should more so feel like maybe something's wrong- you've known him just about as long as I have, so you're aware the type of person he is, and he's not for dodging people for nonsense.

But instead of understanding, you started to become hostile at the fact that he "forgot" your birthday (when in reality, he had a closing shift and got home after... umm... yeah, midnight, like I said, and sent birthday wishes once he could- which you rolled your eyes to. Also unnecessary.) -which resulted to you in trying to bash him, which somehow turned into a string of things that were disrespectful towards me. Earlier, I had specifically told you I has having issues with a lacking self esteem, and what do you tell me in order to bash him...? His inability to do things. What does that include? That one time he couldn't quite end it smoothly with an ex and how he ended up making out with her on the couch? Yeah, that was a nice mouthful of sting. I think the face and awkward nod should have sufficed, but then you bring up the creepy stalker ex of his. I had to cut in, because I knew about this already and would have rather not continued it- but I did bring up how the situation could have been curbed if when you contacted me, you spoke clearly and kept it concise- you called me to go pick him up because I lived 15 minutes away- by the time you got that out to me was 40 some odd minutes later when he was already in the train and stuck in that still awkward position. Yeah.

THEN after that, you bring up when you were trying to ask him out. I knew you were going to bring up how you kissed him, so I was going to let it go- but then you unnecessarily bring up how he has nice, soft lips that are nice to kiss. And you said it from your own self enjoyment, not saying it to me in any other sort of way.

Um.

Not only do you have a boyfriend who wouldn't appreciate that.

I'm the girlfriend who, not only is in an intimate enough relationship to be aware of how he kisses, does not appreciate that either.

I know there I drew the line there. You said there was word that he liked someone and that might have been the reason why. I know I was feeling a little annoyed at the directions you kept going, so I admitted that the girl was me. Someone who at the time awkwardly told you go ahead and give it a try. You got mad that I did and asked why did I let you go through with it and look stupid.

Because I wasn't sure if people were telling the truth. Truth be told, I had a crush on him too, but I'm not the kind of girl to hoard for myself to selfishly try, and I was unsure. There were also some... complicated things at the time, and I'm a little too... all or nothing with my feelings. But honestly... kissing a guy after they rejected you the day before (or whenever it happened)... is kinda... um. I don't know, but I know I wouldn't do that. Sure, I didn't tell you for 4 years, but why would I casually bring that up anyway?

I thought from there, the conversation would die, seeing as now I'm pretty sure my comfort level and any sort of smile on my face was long gone- but no.

You say that at one point maybe when he and I were already together, he may have been sexually attracted to you for a moment? Um. Yeah, REALLY not happy.

And I'm sure that was evident. But then you said that you miss when he visited alone, with an emphasis on the freakin' word alone. When he visited alone, he was kind of single. And your mom kind of wanted him to date you. Now that we're together, it's kind of inappropriate, y'know. And I know you're kind of a little lacking in the censorship department, and would walk around in a shirt with no bra and rather short shorts and things like that, because you don't quite care. Um. I kind of do. And I'm sure your boyfriend would too.

I know you're a friend and all- but there are these things called boundaries. And you kind of don't have them. You kinda bulldoze 'em to the side.

All in all, there was a lack in respect- or a lack of thought in what you were saying, and I didn't appreciate it. At all. I'm just leaving it at this rant you won't see, but if something like this happens again, I will voice my displeasure. K, thanks.

-A very displeased Sam.

I hope I feel better after this.

Current Mood: annoyed

10th January 2011

10:57pm: We Interrupt This Message For the Following Broadcast... Hello.

We now bring you back to our scheduled programming! :D

....

Okay, yeah, I was just fishing through this and wanted to make an entry. No one even really reads this anyway~ xD

Sama, over and out.

Current Mood: bouncy

6th May 2010

6:21pm: Because... I ran into rukida during Sakura Matsuri and she's awesome- here's that post.

I'm aliiive. XDD

11th October 2009

5:48pm: Meme~ Did this before, but eh, what the heck.

Tell me something. Post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love: anything you want. Something about you, something about me, anything at all.

Be sure to post honestly. Post as many times as you want.

Current Mood: hyper

5th October 2009

11:29am: 40 hours of being awake~ :O My AIM doesn't work. *PUNTS* feel free to text it! C:

Lol, anyway! Aside from the fact that I'm still ever so crazy and hungry like nobody's business right now.... Actually, I'm going to make me a sandwich now!

...10 Mins and a sandwich later: Like I was saying, aside from hunger and insanity, I've been so absolutely happy! This is hopefully the last self-discovery post in which I do not continue this back pedaling. Now- onto the point of this entry! Whoop whooooop!

Sometimes it's the little things that open eyes. Nothing eloqent. No fancy phrases. Just a simple sentence. It ended on a supposedly negative note, with a "Yeah so... Sama...I'm sorry."

Nothing about what was said was sad. It made me smile, and be absolutely and truly happy. It brought back what I lost. I found me again (and this time, I got her shackled by the ankles, so she don't escape! ).

All this brooding, complaining, being needlessly aggresive at times, needing something to lean on so often... crying... That isn't me. Not at all. I became cold, distant. Even a lot of the writing I did, the change was ever so evident. And I'm tired of being that way! I love being other people's pillar- warm, tender, supportive (why is it starting to sound like the menu in Micky D's...?)

But in all seriousness, I learned a lot (like don't believe the bastard who's kicking the crap out of you. Great lesson here kiddies! You'll avoid head and body aches! :D *thumbs up* ) all I know is I'm functioning on an hour of sleep and 36 hours on my feet- so I'mmah sleepin before I make no sense soon. <3

I'd like to thank my family for screwing stuff up like my brain and life at one point, my friends for putting up with my personality swap and being there for me and and... Dumpling, for being the cutest dog ever.

Life is too short to make second guesses. Sometimes you have to not always follow what your mind thinks too (hell, if I had followed my mind, I'd be in some serious messes. >_>; )

Oh, and don't settle for less. Cuz that always sucks. :O tho' that isn't something I faced. :3

Ah! I'm not scared of lightning anymore! I deserve a highfive! ...Okay, I broke 40 hours of consciousness- I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm just letting my mind go as it pleases.

I think it's time for me to hit le hay, before I seem anymore nutso xD Night folks! I'mma not read this over so I do not break this brain O' mineee~

Current Mood: cheerful

2nd October 2009

2:15am: :D I think I'm satisfied for life. C: Anything that manages to shoot my mood... Damn. O_o it'd have to be pretty damn depressing.

For the comments I couldn't yet get to in the last entry, thanks you two for the input. Seriously.

I'm not gonna let another bastard touch me again. C:

...I'm hungry D:

Current Mood: satisfied

28th September 2009

2:31am: Meme~ Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am.

Give no written explanation. Just an image.

Post this in your journal and see what images you get.

Current Mood: drained

27th September 2009

10:17pm: So Exhausted. One hell of a weekend. Not only did I work standing for hours non stop (11-8:30ish) with only a 30 min break once in the day- I went to visit friends at NYAF- definitely worth it. I <3 everrryoneeee. Friday was an amusing day, as definitely was Saturday (Tho' Sat- the time I got out of work was killer... my poor feet were dying. I did better standing than I did in flats in the least. ) But afterwards was definitely fun, though the long day really did show through my speech.

....I swear, Diet-Free Coffee is normal. I can explain.

Saturday night at Asia's was fun. Stayed up too late, had an interesting conversation or two...five. A lot. Hahahaha. Oh Asia. So silly. And Motherly.

Anyway- Today was fun, aside from the fact that I was like... attacked every which way. The really temp Jo went over well with people, but *sigh* a good handful of the people I know don't know how to respect -__- I lost count how many times they groped at my chest and rear. I don't give a crap what I'm wearing, it doesn't give the right to touch. Shit. There were a lot of smacks and wrist twisting today. >/

But towards the end of the day was cool. C: Made a new cool friend too.

Anyway. I'm tired. And kinda hungry. Work at opening I think.... ~_~ If it's not opening time I'm supposed to be in.... shoot me.

Annyway. That's all. :3

Current Mood: tired

9th September 2009

6:11pm: What the Bloody Hell Man D: Why must people pay for the jobs that you could ensure you'd be there for a long time?! Jksuderthfdhgdg Pay would be amazing, and placement is guaranteed once I'm cerified, even if I hop states or countries even ><

But it's so damn expensive D: (duh, considering it's a school...) But nmjsdmhjngfdhwethdght the paaaay ;; and the wooooork ;; the hours toooooo *dies*

Time to look for something not so awesome. Ah well.

Current Mood: bouncy

6th September 2009

1:39am: Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

That would have to be "Siren" by Tori Amos.

....the amount is a bit over the top for the two years I've had the song. >.> I'll just say it's well in the quadruple digits.

In other news, at my uncle's house. It's calm now, but still pretty lively.

...Never mind. More liquor... Dammit... ><+

Looks like sleep will be a dream tonight. ~_~

Current Mood: tired

5th September 2009

7:12pm: FREEEEE TIIIIIIIIIX GUESS WHAT U GUISE! I'M GETTING FREE TICKETS TO NYAF. QUITE POSSIBLY FREE ARTIST ALLY TOO. And that's two free tickets, not one. :D Met someone who's staff and they're hooking me up. Wiiiiin. C:

Current Mood: bouncy

12:03am: Guess What I Have Now? :D Today was fun. Fell on my ass too many times to count roller blading (they were skates for little boys- obviously totally different from the ones I use :T ) and failed again on a bike. *sigh* Got a few scrapes, but s'all good~

But the good news is, got myslf a tablet that should work :D it's a wacom tablet, and monday, I'mma have fun giving that a test drive C:

That's it really, thought I should mention that I finally have that working~

Bah... Party by the family in my honor tomorrow. Why me >

Current Mood: exhausted

2nd September 2009

4:27pm: Yoinkeded from Okamiholic :O MEME:

COMMENT, AND I'LL--

Respond with something random about you. (On the phone it came out funky, so thought it was just respond with something random >.>;; Lol, m'bad)
Tell which song or movie film movie reminds you of them.
Pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
Say something that only makes sense to the two of us.
First memory of you.
The animal you remind me of.
Ask something that I've always wondered about you.
Tell my favorite thing about them.
Tell my least favorite thing about them.
If you play, you MUST post this on yours if you want to. (Some Sama commentary: ...this last one makes NO sense... You MUST post this... if you want to :O ...riiight. )

Post so I can entertain myself! Please? xD Finally fixing up this computer. I'll get to everything on here once I'm able to @_@

Current Mood: bouncy

31st August 2009

12:10am: meme Post a piccie of whichever anime/manga/tv character(s) I remind you of

Current Mood: cheerful

22nd August 2009

7:30pm: Lololol I'm dead. My parents haven't seen me since Thursday- and I left perfectly normal. 4 Earrings, black hair.

I return with two cartilage piercings like I said I was going to.

And my hair dyed- blue black so it's not exactly super noticable...

Except for the parts that didn't take it in. :X Now I have streaks of brown and blonde. Oops. I don't think she'll care until the dye starts wearing out and the rest of the brown is noticeable. FFFT.

OON the bright side- back home, brat free. That means more drawing and show watching. Unless that is, I'm to work faster than I thought. Then I need to figure out how I'm going to do things.

Rofl, parents are getting here. Good luck, me.

Current Mood: cheerful

22nd July 2009

10:13am: Wooooo... Brother has been secretly married for almost a year. Mom is still going nuts. Good times... no, not really xD; Sucks that I couldn't know tho. :<

21st July 2009

9:25pm: Otakon 2009 Drama Normally I have such a long fuse. Probably the longest out of everyone. But THIS: http://yumikoryuu.livejournal.com/43751.html Y'wanna keep up with this and try to get people against us? This is public then. Deal.

Okay, that's it. I'm fucking sick and tired of it. All this shit was said to be stopped yesterday, why the fuck is it still going?

As you know, I was...called out- I don't think that's right. I don't call people out on their bullshit, but now I'm going to have to. Dawn, what the fuck is with this shit still going on?

If your body can't handle this shit- WHY THE FUCK ARE STILL AT IT?

You're saying the other person involved in this is doing this for attention, acting like the victim. Bullshit, you're acting like the victim here. I don't see what the problem is about someone who's having financial issues having their money taken. At least some sympathy instead of making it out to be fucking drama. She TRIED countless time to patch shit up, but guess who was being bull headed one? And that time in the hotel room when you were about to say I was lying? What the FUCK was that? I have a voicemail to prove parts of what you were saying. I heard nice and clearly. So how DARE you say I'm lying right to my face?! I had enough decency to walk out and not get pissed off at that.

And I didn't want to continue anything that was said to you know, PUT THIS SHIT BEHIND ME. I don't fucking appreciate being called a liar after saying what the fuck you told me. If that's the case, perhaps you were lying to me? And of course I wasn't going to continue with this because I wanted to drop this shit, of course you'll call me a two face for not wanting to dwell on this crap.

And all that shit you were saying Mia told you? It made no sense. And I verified that all that was fake. Cosplaying to pair up when I don't even cosplay from the same series almost all of the time? Or if the same series, characters that don't even go together? Give me a fucking break. And it's nice to know the real reason I was in the other room. Nice excuse there, don't you think? Making me fucking paranoid again. Of course I'm one of those people who would be afraid of hurting friends. Of course I'm not a sheep and I'm not gonna buy any random shit anyone spews to me either.

Stop seeking pity for your crap. This was all unnecessary, avoidable drama, so I'd love it if my name never came out of that lying mouth. Everyone who knows me knows I don't ever start shit. I was trying to fix it, since you were being so childish. So it never worked, and I tried to keep my maturity higher than yours to keep people from being pulled into this shit. Looks like it didn't work. Nice job bringing totally innocent friends into this crap. Really nice job.

So, yeah, just forget about me, I'll forget about you, and let this shit drop. Stop getting other people involved in your damn immaturity. Thanks.

-Samantha.

Current Mood: Pissed off like hell

28th June 2009

11:26pm: NYC Pride Parade SO much fun, that I'm practically passing out, rofl. Did a lot of walking around, then went to the village to meet up with friends and watch the floats/people marching over by there. Lots of cheer and high energy of course, and everyone marching was just so energized. We watched for a while, until we noticed people from around us suddenly walking with the march. We thought a bit, made some space at the railing we were standing by, and hopped that thing.

So! We joined IN the march! :D It was really fun, getting people to hype up and cheer. Got a lot of flattery from quite a number of ladies :P Good times, good times. Watched a lot more of the march after we hit the end and came back around, then went to check the festival. So much fun~ I'm surprised I still have my voice, but I'm so so tired. So worth it tho'. :)

Next year, going to try to sign up for marching so that way I can go from start to finish rather than hopping in at some random point (tho' there was much more walking than I thought it'd be from where we were, rofl. I thought we were by the end- happens that we weren't, hahaha. )

<333 Contemplating on passing out for the night~ Going to go to the pool tomorrow morning. :3

Current Mood: exhausted

7th June 2009

3:32am: CAN'T GET NO SLEEP It's 3:33AM and I'm unable to sleep.

I'm completely awake and so hyper right now o_O; Even though I did not sit still at all toda--er... yesterday. I thought I'd be wiped out but I feel like a million bucks O__o;; Finished the remainder of the work 'round here an hour ago (lmao, 2:00am is the perfect time to sort stuff out, right...? ...Right. )

Sketched a few doodles- not sure if stuff looks any better or what, but it certainly doesn't feel like it sucks, like it used to. Small scan soon. Then maybe I'll finish off and put up the stuff I've been meaning to. Started editing Extra Credit for a thrid time. Changing up the art and what not. Looked kinda rushed from the original (Maybe because that was rushed.Oops.)

And lmao, the Avon stuffs from a long while back that my bro said he'd get as a gift - rofl, he sent it now, months later ( He was gonna get it October 08....didn't happen xD But he's sending it now since he has to put his stuff in a storage while he's deployed, he figured he might as well send it off now) Don't know if he got the stuff I requested tho. If he did, then I have some stuff to give you, Dar~ (Didn't ask for very much, lol. Besides concealer, lip balm and some body lotion/spray, make up just isn't my thing. I hate it. I only use it to appear older instead of looking 13, lol. /Seecwet tiems. )

I'm going to try and get some sleep. D: Even if I have to beat myself with a blunt object over the head to knock myself out D: D:

feowfjifojfswojfiso now it's 4:11 ><

Note: I really won't knock myself out. That'd hurt.

Current Mood: hyper

6th June 2009

2:02pm: Room for One Girl at AnimeNEXT? Does anyone know anyone who has room for one girl? She made all these plans and then assumed that I'd magically find her space last minute, so I'm wondering if anyone would have room for her. She wouldn't have much packed, I believe, and she's pretty quiet. She's going into this huge panic because she already had bought her tickets, and it'd be her first time away from home. *sigh*

1st June 2009

10:02am: Really interesting Interview I was called back for it really really darn quick (less than 24 hours), and so it's today, scheduled for 7. If it goes well, I'll mention more about- if it doesn't, ah well.

'Least it'll be amusing~

Current Mood: cheerful

30th May 2009

2:53pm: Back to The Drawing Board? WELL- friends of mine have been getting accepted left and right into art colleges- and they rave about me not even trying because they think I'm "better than them" (Which I often disagree with, I think everyone's style is different. Okay, I admit, sorta hypocritical because I tend to think I'm awful ...*cough* ANYWAY...)

They tell me that I should be a shoe in (which I tend to disagree with), and I should at least give it a shot. I could dig into my buttloads of art college brochures ( Yeah, it was my passion to get into one all throughout HS, then I quit out of nowhere, then I reconsidered, then quit again... I know I think I suck that badly, but bleeeh >> )

SO! I want to re-try! And seriously this time. I'd love to try FIT but... NYC just isn't my game >___>; So does anyone know any art colleges that are pretty good and not in NYC? I need anything to be out of here. Saving up to move out of here- if I end up going to a college here, that'll be pretty dumb of me. So if anyone knows any... <333333 It'd be lovely to go to a school and actually learn stuff instead of this whole self taught thing. I can only go but so far with that.

Current Mood: artistic

26th May 2009

12:11pm: *THROWS SIGHT GAG TABLE* /Bleach joke

Anyway, RAWR, I'm so angry that I caught myself being really... superficial. :U I'm rather disappointed in myself and I think I deserve a time out! *goes into time out corner*

*cough*

Aaaanyway...

It could just be taken as giving a style a try out. That one failed majorly - as it's gotten me into troublesome situations more times than I can count. I'll only go back to dressing that way the days I reallly feel like it instead of EVERY. DAY. Today marking the end of it- I haven't worn pants SINCE WEDNESDAY. ARGHHHHH!!!! (lol, maybe I'll lose my status as the fanservice girl. ) I normally change what I feel like wearing almost everyday :> I don't like sticking with just one, so that's over with! :D

Tho' this small exchange in AIM made me lol lots XD

Me: I was being all... really femme, prim and proper- wearing all this reaaaally girly stuff to look all impressive.

Rebecca: O___O;;

Rebecca: but the last time i saw you, you were looking like the poster boy for goth
Me: LMAO! That was only that day :P

SO ANYWAY, I think I caught myself in all of my slip ups! I think. I thiiink. So that's over! :D

Current Mood: ditzy