loveguru (original) (raw)

For the love of God, if there's been one personal failing in my 25-year-long life, it's that I can't make a decision. I can sit there and write you a detailed list of the pros and cons of a given situation, but I can't come to terms with committing to either option.

BACKGROUND

I met my current girlfriend, 23, in the midwest. I had graduated the previous school year, and she was just starting her senior year. She was from NYC, and told me that she was going to go back as soon as she graduated. I figured this would be a relationship with an expiration date -- so the goal was to have fun, not take things seriously, and don't get too attached.

Well, we're all here for a reason, so you know what happened next: I tried not to take things seriously, but got attached regardless. I'd assumed that in the year of dating her before she left, something would happen that would make letting her go a lot easier. But that never happened. We had no disagreements. Our relationship operated with the precision of a machine. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, were days we spent together. OK, I make it sound a hell of a lot more dull and cold than it actually was. I'm just trying to underscore the fact that I've been with some very needy, unpredictable, emotionally volatile girls before. My girlfriend is the complete opposite; she is the model of consistency and reliability.

A few months before she was to leave, she told me that she wanted me to go with her, but would totally understand if I couldn't commit. I had been saving money to move elsewhere (I have friends in Colorado and Minnesota that I wanted to be reunited with). Honestly, I was a bit surprised she wanted me to come with her, though obviously very happy. I agreed, and made my way out to NYC in July 09.

LIFE TOGETHER IN NYC

Before I moved, I figured that, hey -- worst case scenario, this living together thing fails, and I just move back home. If it wasn't going to work out, it'd probably fail in the first few months. By the time the lease is up, if we're still living together, it'd probably be a relatively easy decision to stay.

Like my guess on how the first year should turn out, my idea of how the second year should turn out was much more complex than I could imagine.

I have absolutely no qualms about living with my girlfriend. She's still great. She's amazing. We both cook, clean, stay up late talking, etc.

My issue is living in this city. I'm fucking poor. There's no other way to put it. We both got fucked over by our jobs -- to make a long story short, we were both promised by our different employers to be making a certain amount, and what we're actually making is just barely above minimum wage. The quality of life here is significantly lower than it is back in the midwest, and when you add in depressing and stressing situations such as this, it makes it even worse.

The stress has finally gotten to me. I don't really go out anymore, because I can't afford to. I have a few friends in the city, and they're all friends I knew back home who also moved to NYC. I don't get to see them as nearly often as I should, because after work I'm so wiped (and broke) I don't want to do anything but stay home. Oh, did I mention that my girlfriend was laid off, and is trying to get on unemployment? Hope it goes through, because I have a hard enough time paying my own rent.

I think I've given up on the "career" idea I had in mind: I have a technical writing background but I really don't think I can do it as a career, or any other office-type job. I've worked in restaurants my whole life, but once I moved here I became determined to get out of the industry and get an office job. I have one now, and it's worse for me than any restaurant ever was.

THE DILEMMA

The lease is up at the end of the month.

I want to move back home. She has family (grandparents, aunt/uncle/cousins) in the town I'm from, but she's made it clear that she'll stay here where her immediate family is. When I reasoned moving out here, I vowed that I wasn't doing it solely to be with her, though that was obviously a large part of it; I was doing it for myself, to learn about what I wanted to do career-wise. I've learned a fair amount about what I can and can't do, certainly. The thing is, if I am to sign that lease, I can't in all honesty say that I'm doing it for myself just as much as I am to stay with her. And I know I'll be unhappy staying here another year.

But I can't pull myself from a great girl. If I move back home, I'll be happier that my routine will improve -- eating healthy, exercising daily, more friends -- but be depressed that I gave up on a wonderful girl.

Tell me what I need to hear.