A Story of Love, Hope and Human Strength (original) (raw)

Every once in awhile I find myself pulling back from my kids, distancing myself from them. I've pondered that for years and it's only been recently that I figured it out.

I'm afraid of how much I love them.

There is no depth, no boundaries to what I'd be willing to do to protect them. I'd lie for them, I'd steal for them, I'd kill for them to keep them safe.

I've taken beatings, starved to make sure they've eaten and stayed up for days watching over them to keep them from harm. I've sat at their bedsides when they were sick and cried for them when they were hurt.

But it's rare that I let them see those tears.

Those are tears just for me. They need to see me strong so they can be strong. I'm hard on them, so hard on them. My life was tough, they've been sheltered and I worry that they won't be ready for this world when they enter it alone. I nightmare over them, I pace inside my head and frustrate over those things that I may be forgetting to teach them.

Our relationship is one of trust and pure love. I've never betrayed them and they've never betrayed me. We're good to each other, honest with one another. We talk and listen, confide. We stand together as a family but are true to each other when we've made mistakes. We laugh, hug, say I love you, celebrate and support.

We've got a bond like none I've ever seen, my kids and I. I'm blessed that somehow I had four soul mates enter my life. Each in their own way they've bonded to me. They drive me crazy, make me want to rip my hair out and run away from home...but the idea of leaving them behind fills my soul with an ache that almost kills me.

They're my best friends. Nobody in this world is as important to me and nobody ever will be. They come first, for the rest of my life they'll come before anyone else, including myself.

And when I read all of this back to myself I realize that I'm afraid of those feelings. I've never felt so strongly for anyone in my entire life and it scares me to death. I imagine them leaving one by one, building their own lives, making their own children the most important people in their lives and I know that's as it should be...

....and I feel my heart rejoice and ache and fill with a sadness that I think only a Mother can comprehend.

I know I'll let them go, I've not spent all these years helping them grow only to hold them back. But God help me it's going to hurt.

I just pray that they'll never forget me.