Ana Mia Angels (original) (raw)

Well,

Most people gain weight over the holiday's I lost several pounds. I ate, I thought I'd gain but my body totally rejected the food and I got so sick. So now I am officially under 100lbs. I don't look any different but my clothes just get baggier and baggier. I wonder if other people think I'm as skinny as I am. My camera is messed up so I can't take a current shot. But usually I dress in layers in public b/c Im cold and I don't think I look under 100lbs. I wonder if other people wonder if Im anorexic ? does anyone ever wonder what others think? Or if they see a really skinny person if they too have an ED. I once started a convo about a dietary thing on a diet dinner at a check out line with some skinny lady,older than me, but realized later that, only an other ED person would have even cared or thought of the things and wigged out about the amounts of things in this diet dinner like I did. It was interesting.

I see all the treatment centers recommended by Dr Phil for ED's and yet they are super expensive and self pay, no scholarships. I wanna ask him what about the non Hollywood Stars who desperately need help but cannot afford it. What can we do. Their are a few scholarship but the bad thing about adults with ED's is a lot of Treatments centers are geared more for the younger crowd and they want to treat them first. Some only go to age 28. I am 32.

I am supposed to see the dietician tommorrow. All this has just really put a damper on my desire for recovery. In a way the real desire way b/c I knew I needed to do it and I was going to do it do everyone else, not really me. That why, just refeeding me is not gonna work. I needed a long term inpatient place. I am actually proud Im under 100 and still want to be 94lbs by Christmas. Then Im am not sure where I want to be. to maintain or what. I just feel like its just a competition now. But if I gain its such an overwhelming feeling of guilt and hopelessness and anger and I can't explain it, anxiety. I wanna cry, even if its a pound and all I wanna do is lose that pound and then another to make up for my mistake.

Make sense. Hoe did I get like this.....

Well, I am gonna go retreat to my warm bed now, I just finished my tea. I ate to much and need to do some sit ups first. Just a little habit. Brads gone back to work so now I fear my weight is gonna drop faster b/c he won't be going out and watching me eat. I'll be following my kind of diet rituals more and more.I halfway follow the Rainbow Diet until usually dinner but that may change I dunno. I am just in love with fuji apples. Only Apples I'll Eat. Im over drawn in my account now so I can't shop.

Hopefully I'll be down another 2lbs by week end. Sick I know. I am so suck in this disease.

Hugs =)
Becki

mood: blah