i'm on a champagne high...maybe i'll actually smile to remember it all (original) (raw)

29 January 2006 @ 11:47 pm

i think ive been having anxiety attacks recently...i get all dizzy and paranoid and start shaking...its like i cant catch my breath...and it feels like all that lack of control in my life is just closing in on me..."eating" me if you will...

i cant go through five minutes without food going through my head...what i will eat...what i wont eat...im drowning...

28 December 2005 @ 12:07 am

i haven't posted in so long but it just got hard with having to use my parents' computer...but christmas came and i got one of my own! yay! as far as progress goes, im down to 123 from 145...id say thats a start but i still want to get to 113. i quit therapy. well, i didnt really quit, i just kind of quit scheduling appointments. the mia had been somewhat subdued and i thouhgt i was ok. then i got mono and lost like 7 pounds in 3 days. so now i have ana and mia tendencies. restricting isnt as hard as i thought, and its actually quite enjoyable. the mia still kicks in with the occasional purge, but very rarely do i binge anymore. thats good i guess. as far as overall happiness goes, im no better than i was last time i posted. im just not very happy, theres no other way to say it. all i think about is food and guilt and appearance and how much i hate my body. it sucks....

12 October 2005 @ 06:51 pm

so i think im in love. trouble is, who could love me? i am fat. i am disgusting. i am ugly. and when im around him, he smiles at me like he wants me to feel beautiful. he is so gentle. but all i feel is inadequacy. i am just a friend to him, one in a million other girls. but he is so...special, for lack of a better word. there isnt really a word for how he is. he plays the guitar for me and hes so intelligent and funny and cute...he cooks for gods sake. he talked to me about his dad dying. i feel so close to him. but how can you be close to someone when you wont let them touch you. i cant let him touch me for fear that he would be just as grossed out by me as i am...

Current Music: jack johnson-constellations

27 September 2005 @ 09:27 pm

tori's birthday dinner was tonight...i had to eat bc of the amount of people there, they were all staring at me when i said i wasnt hungry...i guess thats what happens when your parents tell all your friends to watch you bc you have an eating disorder. whatever dude.

i gave her a facial. i wanted her to feel beautiful and clean and all pampered. i think she really liked it. i know i would!

and my birthday is in exactly 9 days...yay!!

still on the quest for success.

22 September 2005 @ 08:31 pm

im a little nervous...the last time i used a live journal my parents found it...ive now been in counseling for 6 months. but i liked being able to be myself and say what i wanted...its good to have other people's opinions on the way i think...it makes me think harder. so first things first...

my name...im not going to post it for the afore mentioned parental nosiness
my age...18, not quite but 2 weeks baby!
my reason for counseling...ednos, mia tendencies
do i want to quit counseling...not really, i like the girl
do i want to quit my ED...i have absolutely no intention of stopping it
what is my favorite movie...breakfast at tiffanys
idol...angelina jolie
favorite cartoon...ninja turtles
favorite band...its a toss up between DMB and the get up kids

i am alone, no boyfriend, only a couple of true friends...i think my lonliness has a lot to do with the way that i am...i hate feeling alone...you know what else i hate...those girls that are all over their boyfriends in the movie theater...i hate them bc i dont have what they have...i dont mean to be selfish, its just how i feel...