You died two days ago. (original) (raw)

December 20 2019, 23:45

Listens: Homesick - Foley

You died two days ago. I didn't even know. I found out this morning. At first I was shocked, then sad, then guilty because I felt sad. Guilty because I felt bad that it affected me and then guilty because we weren't even "close". I last spoke to you nearly a year ago where our lives diverged purely because of the other connections we had built that were more solid than our tenuous one.

I cried this morning when I found out despite that. Grief that you were suddenly gone? A pain in my chest? I wondered what kind of person were you to make me feel this, despite only knowing you briefly. Only speaking to you a few times. Those few times were enough for you to leave an impact. For me to consider your words, again, really, for the first time in awhile. I remember when we met in the park during that treasure hunt and I asked you, "Why are you a Slytherin?" This concept foreign to me, not understanding how someone so kind could value resourcefulness, cunning and ambition. How could this be good? When the ambition often turns awry. When the resourcefulness becomes evil. The goal seeming tarnished. You tore straight through my naivety, answering honestly, hopefully, about yourself. You said you wanted to be the best version of yourself each day. Not perfect, just better than the day before. And that was how you defined ambition. I never forgot and it struck me so clearly suddenly, why you valued Slytherin traits. Why I shouldn't ever judge a book purely by its title or cover. Why I should always ask why, find out a bit more, learn what's really underneath.

You thanked me once, for being so open and honest. You told me you valued my opinion and that it made you become aware of how it could be viewed another way. You told me about how you hoped you would be able to stand up against the majority. You hoped you would be able stop it from happening again. I think I see that you took so much on. You maybe wanted to try to stop everything bad from happening to people you valued? I regret that I didn't try harder to be your friend, but I have also been told that it would have probably changed nothing. Our lives go the way that they do and that it okay. Sometimes friends are there for moments and sometimes they are they for lifetimes. I know you're not here with us. You will never read these words and I will never speak them to anyone that you know. I am writing them now to remind myself in the future that this happened. You had an impact on my life. I will remember your words. The first Slytherin that made me re-think how I viewed the house. To be the best version of yourself each day. And what your friends have consistently left on your FB wall, Be kind.

I hope that you know I will actively think of these for the next month, and I hope they become so much part of my psyche, my thought process that it will just be reflexive to follow them.

RIP.

P.S. My goal is to attend a LARP event in 2020. This is purely your influence.