Summertime and the living's easy (original) (raw)
July 11 2007, 10:58
Listens: Bubbles, "Bidibodi Bidibu"
Only 10:30am, and already I'm sweating. It's supposed to get above 90 today. That'll be fun.
Meanwhile, I'm living in a sickhouse. My brother's planning some kind of party this Friday (his birthday was on the 4th), but he's been pretty miserably sick for the last week, and even though he's on the upswing and will no doubt be fine by then, my mom's now at home and out for the count, and I'm just waiting my turn. So I don't know how that will turn out.
Little brothers shouldn't turn 18, by the way. It's not right.
I graduated, and there really hasn't been much else going on in my life besides the mixed feelings surrounding that. From a clinical perspective, I know mixed feelings are probably the norm, but I think, for me-- well, it's not exactly a triumph that I'm not going back to school in the fall. And I mean, I'm not- not going down the path of self-pity in acknowledging that--I'm doing my best to stick to my resolve to build an identity for myself outside of "student"--but. I'm just saying; I'm pretty sure there was a difference in the tone of celebration between me and my friends.
I've been having a recurring conversation with myself lately. Actually, it's not so much a conversation as a string of thoughts:
- I feel like maybe I don't feel as good as I ought to.
- Maybe the meds aren't really working; in which case I should talk to my doctor instead of being too timid to say anything.
- Maybe I just expect too much; if I were being more productive I'd feel better.
- Yeah, self, whatever happened to teaching overseas? Applying to the Peace Corps? You haven't done substantial work on a single application. You're a college graduate and you just sit in your parents' home playing video games.
- Blah blah selfloathingcakes.
- OH no, we're not going down that road again. Stop that.
- Repeat from (1).
However, this loop mostly occurs when I'm trying to fall asleep at 3 or 4 in the morning, which really just points out that I need to fix my sleep schedule. 3am self-hate should never be taken too seriously. During the day I generally feel OK. But I mention it as a sort of public reminder to myself that saying things is easier than doing them, but I did say them, so...
--so I don't intend to go back on my words, that's what! THAT IS MY NINDOU.
*cough*
In all seriousness, the point is: it's normal to get discouraged sometimes, and I knew I would, and I knew it would be easier said than done not to be afraid of things, and that's OK. Maybe I haven't been as go-getting as I'd wanted; but getting down on myself because I didn't get x and y done today just creates an atmosphere that makes it even less likely I'll get them done tomorrow, or any other day. I need to stop that cycle as soon as I see it starting.
ugh. My throat feels itchy, but with this pollen all up on us it's hard to tell if it's everyday allergies or impending plague. T- two great tastes that go great together?