milanthruil, posts by tag: personal - LiveJournal (original) (raw)

Sometimes I feel like people knowing that I have Asperger's is actually a detriment. It seems like they take the knowledge and use it against me. Like I'm weak. Acting like if they have to explain something to me, then obviously I just won't "get it." Like they think I use my Asperger's as an excuse. Like somehow they pity me for not being "Neurotypical" or thinking the way they do. But based on some of the observations I've made, I'm glad I don't think like them.

Sometimes I feel like they're afraid of me because I'm more perceptive than they expect someone "like me" to be, so they feel the need to tear me down and tell me how wrong I am (occasionally proving my points in the process).

If they spent less time trying to "fix" me and my feelings and more time actually making an effort to get to know me and understand where I'm coming from instead of just dismissing me, it would open them to knew ideas and experiences.

Unfortunately, they seem perfectly inclined to live in judgement of a person they don't understand.

So Thursday was my work's holiday party. I made a tasty beef macaroni casserole and everybody loved it. We found out that the parking garage construction that had been delayed until January had been UNdelayed and is starting December 22nd. They've changed the date on this project so many times. XP

Friday I had work. THREE CARTS OF MAGAZINES TO SORT/SHELVE! One and a half carts of that was just the foreign magazines. I managed to shelve every single magazine on those three carts and totally wore myself out in the process. When I got home, Dad had brought home food from HIS work's holiday party. Mmm homemade macaroni and cheese. :D

I had such a hard time falling asleep last night even though I was exhausted. I think I finally fell asleep at 4 or 5 am after playing solitaire on my DS for an hour.

Woke up at 9am so I could get ready to drive down to Tacoma with my parents to meet Grandma for lunch. It was an hour drive. so an hour of road noise and Mom piping ALL TEH MUZIKS into the back 'for me'. Right. Ate lunch at Applebees. Mozzerella sticks and ribs! The restaurant was kind of busy though, so I got over stimulated rather quickly. The hurricane I'd had to drink probably didn't help. (TWO KINDS OF RUM! XD) Then we had to transfer gifts and things between vehicles. Stopped to get gas. People in Tacoma do not understand gas stations. My god. they pull in any which way and block other people in and it's crazy. A combined 1 1/2 hours of road noise + 2 hours of restaurant noise = sensory overload

We managed to get back in time for the puck drop at the Canucks @ Senators game. Canucks won 4-1! \o/

But now I am half dead, I have a headache and I'm contemplating going to bed.

Sunday was actually pretty awesome despite the horrific mountain of magazines that needed to be shelved. I got to watch Under The Mistletoe (two of my favorite things! Shanks and hockey! :D), the Canucks beat the Flames, and Neverland part 1 was on.

Yesterday was rather uneventful. Helped Mom put her books on her bookcase, watched Beyond Sherwood Forest and Neverland part 2.

Stayed up way too late (6:00am) and got less than 3 hours of sleep. Woke up this morning feeling nauseous and half-dead. Work was good though. All the patrons who asked me questions were really polite. I did, however, have a couple moments where I wanted to cry about things completely unrelated to work.

The Asperger's Comment is still really bothering me. It could have been a great fandom/psychological discussion had it been approached differently and could also have been a wonderful opportunity to learn about other people's viewpoints and experiences concerning Asperger's. Instead, it felt very preachy and negative. I'm not angry, I'm sad and disappointed.

Really all I have to show for the past few days is one completed holiday card and a melted spot on my desk from the embossing gun (oops).

My neck has been cramping up, so I've taken muscle relaxers the past two nights. Besides making me super groggy, I really think they've exaggerated the crappy emotions I've been feeling lately and making me want to cry all the time. Though, for the past couple weeks, this is not anything new. :/

And now I have a killer stress headache and the dogs are fighting (making the headache worse) and I just want to sleep. But if I go to sleep now I'll be awake at 2am.

I'm sick of this. I don't feel like anything has been resolved at all, and it fucking sucks.

Going to go curl up under the blankets and hope this headache goes away.

My post about Vala was not meant to be mean or hateful, tho, looking at it again, I can see how it could have been interpreted that way. I was just stating how I viewed her in the first episodes of Season 9. It was my fault for not clarifying that.

I don’t hate Vala (but she’s also not my favorite). I actually thought she was pretty kickass in Prometheus Unbound, and I liked her character arc in Season 10. I just don’t like how she acted toward Daniel in Season 9.

You’re welcome to ship Vala with Daniel if you so desire, I personally don’t see it.

Because of my background and where I come from, I’m going to have a different viewpoint on the characters.

Some people could see Daniel as an insensitive jerk who occasionally bulldozes over people’s feelings. Others will see him as someone who cares for others to the detriment of himself. (I personally see him as possibly having Asperger’s)

Some people could see Sam as a goody goody, others will see her as a kickass military chick.

Some people will call Jack a cynical bastard who will take any opportunity to blow things up, others will see him as a funny guy with a strong dedication to serving his country/planet.

Everyone will have their own viewpoints. But all of those viewpoints are valid.

Vala has taken advantage of Daniel, invaded his privacy and personal space, turned his life upside down and manipulated his emotions since day one.

And Daniel can't help but react the way he does because Vala knows that Daniel can't help but care and she completely abuses his trust in this regard.

There's a very fine line between flirtation/teasing and harassment. Harassment is the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or a group, including threats and demands; which, to me, is what I see happening with Daniel and Vala. She snuck INTO HIS BED on base and then played to his emotions to make him feel bad for saying no to something that he was not okay with. This is not okay! This is emotional abuse and an invasion of privacy on a immensely twisted and inappropriate level.

I'm not saying that Vala doesn't kick some ass in her own right, but the more I watch her needle Daniel, the more I want to shake her and say "hey, back the fuck off, he said 'no'!"

I've been on the wrong end of the harassment side of the line practically all my life (in the context of this post, as young as 2nd grade from a female classmate), so that is going to be what I immediately pick up on. If Vala had pulled a lot of the stuff she pulled on Daniel with me? I wouldn't take it. I'd knock her on her ass and boot her right back through the gate.

I'm currently on a Tumblr/Twitter hiatus until the end of the month. Not because of NaNo (I'm not a participant) or anything like that, but for personal reasons. The environment wasn't emotionally healthy for me anymore.

This was probably one of the easiest decisions I've ever made. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like a weight as been lifted. I don't feel anxious or sick to my stomach or on edge anymore (Well, aside from the looming task of cleaning my room.). I feel calm.

I didn't like the way I was coming across over those platforms. Somehow I'd gotten myself locked into a pattern of acting like someone I'm not. I felt fake. Like I always had to watch what I was saying in case I slipped up and ruined the charade. It got to the point where I would go to say something or make a post, but then I'd stop myself and think "oh, So-and-So wouldn't like that." Toward the end, I was just so sick of putting on the proverbial happy face and pussyfooting around everyone else's feelings and burying my own when inside I just wanted to grab people and shake them and tell them to wake the fuck up and ask if they knew what they sounded like.

And then I just sort of... stopped caring and became a bitch. You have no idea how good it felt just to say things that I had wanted to say for such a long time. I don't know if I was subconsciously rebelling and trying to get people to 'let go' of me before I felt the need to 'let go' of them, but it was the best I'd felt about myself in that environment for a long time.

I know I stepped on a few toes and most likely unintentionally hurt some feelings, and for that I'm sorry. I've just found, in my experience, that people really only listen to what I have to say when I've raised my voice or gotten angry. I didn't mean to upset anyone, I just needed to feel heard and that was the only way I knew how.

I had to leave, at least for a while, before I stopped disregarding people's feelings entirely (because that's where I was headed). But I'll be sticking around here on LJ and on messenger.