LoveLikeBlood's Profile - MyAnimeList.net (original) (raw)

Hello Adam, I am incredibly sorry for not replying for nearly half a year and vanishing from the face of the earth without further notice. Things have been rather strange and to tell the truth, around the time of our last conversation, I fell into a pit that I am still trying to somehow find my way out of. It is a bit ironic, if I am allowed to say. Because I think the same thing that happened to you, that I assume caused the end of our conversation four years ago, happened now to me. You would think that after a certain point of brokeness, things can't fall apart even further, but that is a misconception. I guess travelling to the underworld is indeed not a phenomenon exclusive to mythology and more common and apparent in our life and psyche than we would like it to be. That being said, perhaps there is inherent value on its own in such an experience and it might even be transformative in one way or another. I had to confront very personal and intimate issues that lingered in the shadow for most of my life and feel even at time a bit more whole having done so. Although my psyche still feels really fragile and I am feverishly nervous at times. Sorry, I am sure it doesn't make much sense, I just found no other way to start my long overdue reply, atleast not one that would have been in allegiance with honestness and integrity. I received an email that you wished me a happy birthday. I have to say however, that it wasn't my birthday, that one is in december. But if I suffered a kind of death, then may that be a symbolic return to life, slowly. I appreciate you commented bro. How are you doing these days? Has life been treating you well and are you coping with the issues you were dealing with? Life can be rough. I hope you are taking care of yourself and are surrounded by people who nuture you with love, warmth and closeness.

I understand what you mean when you talk about a tendency to get stuck into your own head. And it is really strange how that what was innocent in ones youth, manifested itself as, at times, tragically difficult. How do you find a way out of your head?
I appreciate you expressing gladness that I am here. That is honestly a very kind thing to tell someone. The same goes for you. Coming back to mal is a very strange experience and it feels like treading on a graveyard where joys, dreams and friends of the past are burried. To see a kindred spirit is still around, it is solacing. I am glad you are here Adam.

Yes that makes sense. Sometimes I get into moods where I can only tolerate listening to one song on loop, only to then put it safely and carefully into a drawer, together with the memories and feelings associated with it, and then open that occassionaly. It is pretty awesome you are going to see Green Day live next year. It is insane The Offspring does the opening act. That is pretty neat. Totally random, but what concert you attended did have the best pre-band? For me it must have been at a Death Cab for Cutie concert last year in march. Slow Pulp, a band I never even heard of before, did the opening, and totally had me in awe under their spell. There was a moment the lead singer pulled out a harmonica and I could have fallen hopelessly in love with her right in that moment. It is really lovely to discover music this way. As for the Green Day concert, I saw them in june in Hamburg this year and it was everything you could have wished for. It was open air and actually rain was forecasted and fell down heavily. However, the sky spared exactly the area of the concert. I forgot my poncho and stort there in a shirt, I did not get drenched in the slightest. Not that I would have minded. And a wonderful rainbow crossed the sky right above us, Billie himself was even in awe. I saw Blink, Sum 41 and Green Day live now. My teenage self would can rest at ease now. After the concert I got into such a nostalgic mood, that I listened for weeks to some songs from their two nights in tokyo concert. While I have to admit liking their most popular songs best, it is still unbelievable what good of a band they are. Hope you will enjoy it as much as I will!

Yeah I had the same suspicious attitude towards Maverick, and I am glad I was totally proven wrong. That being said, I wish they wouldn't bring out a third movie. They are really pushing their luck now. But if it turns out similar to Maverick, I will not have said anything! I have to say I absolutely adore the way the entire cast of Karate Kid totally embraced the roles they played some 40 years ago. I mean, it is what got them famous and all, but Martin Kove being seen as evil or William Zabka embracing being just like Johnny Lawrence, while many credit him to be an absolute sweetheart, is just plain funny to me. How has your adventure into the realm of cinema been keeping up? Have you watched any of the movies we talked about or maybe something else that was interesting? I would love to hear about it if you feel like it. As for myself, the only movie I ended up watching in cinema this year happened to be Dune 2 and it was on such a terrible day, that I could barely focus on the movie. I remember liking it however. Other than that I watched some japanese movies I really liked as they tend to be rather melancholic and aesthetically very pleasing. I also happened to miss my days of travelling through Japan quite a bit, so immersing myself into the culture atleast cinematically, helped sooth that yearning a bit.

I found it really intruiging what you wrote about the personality about Kubrick and how he can be characterized as someone who is deeply interested in people but from a distance. It is quite fascinating how a difference in temparament and personality expresses itself so uniquely in the way art is crafted. That is why I could understand but never befriend the idea of the authors death. To me it is a means to express who we are in very sublime and subtle little ways, and to also understand and connect who and how others are. While Kubricks distant approach makes it a bit difficult to do, I still find it interessting to learn about him. There are many writers and filmmakers where it almost feels like they vomitted their very soul onto the paper or screen, and Kubrick is definetely not one of them. Also, since you have seen so much, what would you say is a scene from a movie that brings you the most profound sense of serenity? A scene that alone, in itself, seems to justify the folly and suffering of human conceit? I hope I did not talk about this before, sometimes I don't know what was only on my mind or what I already let out before, but for me it is the scene in Stalker by Tarkovsky, when they entered the zone and the stalker throws himself headfirst onto the long and drenched blades of grass. I remember when I watched it one night many years ago, that scene made me feel like I had an idea of what heaven would be like for a mere earthly moment. Also, is it just my perception or is the way Tarkovsky captured colors very unique? Especially the rainy green of grass and water. There is something calm, deep and warm about it. I wonder if there is something to it?
I have not ended up seeing the final rebuild movie yet. I wanted to rewatch Eva this summer but things happened and I think I lived in its themes a bit to deeply. Still, I hope by the time christmas comes around I can rewatch all of Evangelion and then at long last watch the last rebuild, together with Love and Pop. The other night I wanted to start it but my internet crashed, I saw that as a sign to wait haha. Did you like 3.0+1.0? And did we ever talk about the manga? I am sorry, usually my memory is almost eidetic, but my mind is so scattered. I honestly don't recall. But I really love the way they ended the manga of Evangelion. My brother once bought me the final volume and I reread it everytime I felt down. It really comes close to the way End of Evangelion wrapped things up, and that is saying something. It is almost a tad more hopeful and bittersweet even. The way Shinji embarks towards the future, honestly, I feel emotional just thinking about it now. I heard the last rebuild focuses a bit on Mari. I am not sure if I can bear it.

Yes exactly! And Crumb is I think the only movie that showcases the pitfall of the oedpial dilemma to that degree. The filmmaker, so I heard, was friends to the author, so they really got the chance to dive deep into the psyche of that person. I honestly wish there were more documentaries like that. I love understanding and getting to know people deeply and with all their complexities and multitudes they contain. I think it would be a very interesting ambition for any filmmaker or artist in general really. To attempt to portray just one person as fully and deeply as somehow possible.

I didn't know that the director of On The Silver Globe went through a divorce prior to filming it, but it really makes sense putting some scenes into that context. It feels oddly personal and intimate for a movie that operates on a seemingly grandiose scale. While I think I didn't like it as much as you do, I totally agree with you that it is a movie one cannot stop thinking about when finished. I pondered over the question what myths and stories a new civilization on another planet might base itself on. And that is honestly the surface of a question that reaches quite deeply into the human condition. Have you read some of C.G. Jung? As I had to confront some things in my life this year, I dived a bit into his work and thought and can honestly not believe how someone can be so absolutely brilliant. I mention that because I think he would find the same appeal in such a movie. Perhaps humanity, no matter on what planet, will never be able to outrun or escape that what defines them collective and unconciously as human. Yes, the movie did a good job with that. I heard about Possession, I didn't know it was by the same director, but with the little I heard of it, that makes total sense haha. If you feel comfortable, I would be interested in learning about how Possession helped you process that crucial and shattering experience in your life.

Have you started with Malick yet? I think watching it chronologically, can be appealing and a safe entry way. Especially considering how he and his worldview and his search through the camera developed. Personally, a hidden life was my entry into his work and you wouldn't be doing something wrong if you were to follow such a similar path. Many see The Tree of Life as his most complete. But honestly, just watch whatever you feel like (maybe not song to song and to the wonder at first) and you will be drawn into it regardless from what tree you enter his cathedral of a forrest.

I get what you mean, but I believe there is nothing cringeworthy about that review you wrote. But I constantly feel the same rereading my own writing, so I get you haha. And yes, you really did a fantastic job and it is no exaggeration seeing that review as an act of rebellion, because it is precisely how I perceived it at the time you wrote it aswell. I remember it quite well even. Eva was getting so much crap and spammed with terrible, borderline disgraceful reviews at a time I still really cared about stuff like that, and I remember how happy I was that you stood resistance against that. In my little shizophrenic imaginary hikkikomori head, it almost felt like the beginning of an artistic movement, the postevangelion brotherhood or something haha. On its potential wikipedia page it would have been written that it was founded the moment you dropped your review. It seems like we experienced it very similarily back then. To me it also was the first time to feel like part of a community and one I actually wanted to belong to aswell. Back then it also felt totally sufficent for things to be this way on mal. I know a lot of people joined skype groups etc, but I tend to not like that much. It often occurs that a certain group dynamic emerges and the innocence and the joy that brought people together is lost and gets corrupted. Though perhaps it would have been nice to be on the same discord, who knows what might have happened. I think all of us guys, felt the same more or less, it could have fostered that sense of community, but alas, it makes me happy that almost a decade later we are still talking. Some time later I was back on forum games, and a lot had changed. Most people were gone, a phenomenon that seems to hold true quite often, and the mentality of the people seemed to different one aswell. With the rise of discord, people migrated there very quickly and forum games turned into some kind of drama stage for stuff that happened behind the scenes. People seemed to have felt an immense need to make everything very personal, while I happened to enjoy the comfort of being my avatar so to speak. Suddenly it was more like the dynamics and social issues I escaped from, came onto the internet. Nowadays this site feels really empty, almost post apocalyptic. The anime community as a whole seems to have changed quite a bit aswell, or maybe the world, or life. Or me? I am sure people who started using mal back when it launched, felt the same way about our time as I do now about the present. Maybe one cannot go back, huh? I wonder, have you gotten around to finishing Punpun yet? The last sentence of the manga would be quite the fitting reference to make right now, but I will resist myself from doing so. But maybe right in this very moment, some 18 year old loner joins this site in hope to find some people with similar interest and explore more anime when he hears someone say: "Have you watched LOGH yet?". haha. I can totally imagine that Punpun hit a little too hard at a specific time in your life. Honestly back when I first read it I was a wreck for quite some time, perhaps I never really recovered even. Still, if you ever get around to finishing it, I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

I read over your message back when you sent it in april and I did now again, and both times I felt so incredibly touched reading about your work with the kids. It really sound like you experienced something valuable and innocent there, while living in accordance to one of your passions aswell. Stuff like re-enacting a spider man movie, it really shows the sense of wonder children remind us of, something we forgot or lost connection to growing up. I remember an internship I had to do at an elementary school and two boys ran around all day all excited, because they would meet up to play after school. At that moment they must have been the happiest humans on our planets. It was radiating to see how unfathomably excited, joyful and happy they were making up plans on how they would play together later aswell. It reminded me of feeling the same way when I was their age and how life felt sufficent just playing and having a friend to share that with. I really do believe that it is the child that will save the world. There is a common saying in pop-psychology talking about the inner child and it becomes cliched without being fully attended or understood. But I think if someone can foster and harbor just one happy memory from their childhood, that will one day save them and redeem them. Life can be really hard and dark and we might get lost. But redemption, through that archetype of the child, is always at hand. My favourite book, the brothers karamazov, captures that beautifully. Have you read it? Sorry I digress.
It cannot be stated nearly enough, but what you did for that 6 year old kid, was unbelievable man. And I am saying that as someone who once was in a similar situation as that kid, with the exception of nobody coming to that forrest to save me. I think that kid will in all his years never forget your simple act of kindness and care. You showed him that the world can be a place of kindness and trust. It is you who is a great guy. And also, imagining you to tell them japanese and south african folktales before bed made me laugh out loud. It is fascinating how immersed and attentive kids become when you tell them tales and stories! And honestly by the way you write about it and with the talent you have, it sounds like that is exactly what you are called to do in this world. Tell stories to children. Now, how that looks or manifests itself, that is the question, but honestly, that is a great thing to do! Have you thought about ways you might follow that idea or path?
To tell the truth, it has been six months now since I quit my job, and there are times I miss the kids really a lot. I visited my former workplace from time to time, since it is near my grandmothers place, and occassionaly some former kids who lived there visited at the same time. Their reactions have been very touching and it showed me that what I did mattered. To have caused something good in the life of a kid, one in trouble at that, honestly I feel eternally grateful I was given that opportunity. It feels like you have a sanctuary in their hearts, and there is some redemptive element to that.

I would have been surprised if you could have seen and done all there is to do in a city as enormous and vivid as New York City. And maybe I am strange, but I really love the feeling of getting lost in a city, a big one on other shore at that. When I was in Tokyo that feeling was overwhelming and absolutely peaceful. It really puts life and one self into perspective. And it is cool you went to the pizzeria from Spider-Man 2, it is little moments and sights like this that feel somewhat personal and meaningful. When I travel I often orientate myself at places I know from literature, movies, anime etc, and there is a sense of fullfilment to have been there. I was in Tuscany this summer with an old coworker, and we drove all the way to that famous spot from Gladiator. I instructed him carefully how to take that photo, and he totally butchered it. Simply because he didn't care to enter the field with his sandals. You can't imagine how difficult it was trying to stay calm on the drive back from there. And your last night there sounds absolutely phenomenal, especially as it happened on a whim and unplanned. I can't believe you saw My Chemical Romance live, that is honestly great. I can totally see how that was a cathartic experience and to be moved to tears from live music is a rare but deeply personally resonating experience. It only happened once to me where I was singing along with tears of both joy and sorrow. My Chemical Romance tends to be ideal for singing along, I can only imagine what that must have felt like live. When I am in the car and Welcome to the Black Parade starts playing, those 5 minutes are always cathartic and a thing of beauty. Did you meet any raven haired cutie there? ;) Also, did you find out where the ducks of central park go in winter?

It is always a bit disheartening and disllusioning to read about potential moral corruption, especially when it comes to a figure of hope like Mandela, but I suppose that just speaks for the reality of the world we are living in. And if you think about it, that kind of conflict is one we as a culture highly struggle to reconcile even today. We inherited a society and civilization that is mostly prosperous, secure and developed, but there is a huge shadow, almost like it was built on corpses and built by people who may have tainted their hands in the process. Do we meet that with gratitude or do we pull down statues of the past? It seems like through history a lot of hero myths, idealization and narratives are woven, that leave people in an almost schizophrenic kind of shock when they unravel that the reality is a little less ideal than that. Maybe it would be for the better to be both grateful and also justifiably sceptical and critical, refusing to idealize historic figures like that. And it seems that society struggles to do so, leaning more on exposing the flaws of everyone. It is more than ironic. Modern generations seem so aware of psychological issues, of mental struggles, of a shadow. Yet when confronting the reality of that shadow in the world, we expell it. I question if that is the way? Hence, I appreciate your perspective on Mandela. I relate to the collective sense of pride and community that was in the air during the world cup. 4 years prior, in 2006, it was in Germany as you probably know. It was probably the last summer in my life where the world still felt innocent and idyllic. I was 10 years old and it was wonderful to see the entire country, people who usually are cold and indifferent to each other, come together in joy and enthusiasm. It was really historic and it is like a collective memory for everyone who lived through it. When I talk to other people about it, their eyes almost shine like they are children, so fond are the memories of that summer. It was probably a more unifying experience than the fall of the Berlin Wall. I like how you describe the Cape of Good Hope as mythic, that is excatly how I imagine it. And funnily enough Adam, last april, a week after your message, I was actually in Norway and drove all the way up to the North Cape. From one end of the world to the other. And it was totally insane. I stayed in a wonderful hut by a fjord and had to drive around 3 hours up there. I woke up from the sunlight shining through the window at around 3 am (the time of the midnight sun was coming closer) and decided to head there on a whim, after I postponed it for some days, and even for all my previous visits. I was still very tired and drove through plateaus and snow desserts, roads with iceblocks on them. It was like a scene from Hoth. And along the coast. On one side was azure ocean, on the other mountain terrain that made you feel like you were driving on the moon. I reached there before the opening hours of the center (before all the tourists would come there in busses) and the cold arctic wind blew so mercilessly into my face, that it woke me up entirely. Standing on the furthest anchor point of the continent, to gaze over the sea and know there follows nothing, what a feeling. I was very excited to tell you about it, sorry that so much water flowed down the river since.
As for what living in Germany is like, I fear that I am too detached to give a neutral and objective enough take on it. German people are very cold, distant and pragmatic. The country also feel really divided, especially in modern times, about nearly everything. But what country doesn't? I also feel like we are incredibly uncultured. But sorry, I am really the worst kind of person to report about germany. There is a reason I live retreated on the countryside. I don't feel particullary connected to my country. When I was at college before, I was chosen to hold a speech for the hundreth anniversary of the city I grew up in (technically the city is much older but I guess they forgot how to count) and I was censored and prohibited to present it the way I wrote it. Mind you, I was actually being really sincere and hopeful, but rather critical at that, I offered more like a synthesis, and I ended up not doing the speech because screw them really. Don't ask the child who was never warmed by the fire of the village to hold a speech about how warm it is. But studying the history and culture of this country is actually really fascinating. There is a lot to learn about the human condition doing so. Additionally there are some really beautiufl medieval towns that feel like travelling back in time walking there. Then there is Berlin and you feel like travelling to a dystopian future. But then there are also cities like Dresden and you cannot help but be amazed. Today is actually our national holiday, reunion day. Nobody cares about it though haha. You know, I have been thinking for a long time now, that I feel like no other show, book, story, whatever it is, captured post war and post unification germany as well as Monster did. I am not saying that as an anime enthusiast. Maybe it takes someone outside the culture to truly see it, the same way the lost generations captured the america of the 20s best when they lived in Paris, but Urasawa was able to truly capture the soul and spirit of this country like I have seen nobody else did in modern times. Also, our culinary culture is greatly lacking. Even the most beloved food, the Döner Kebab, is turkish more than german haha. That makes me wonder, do you feel like there is a work of art, be it a poem, a story, book, movie, whatever, that captures the soul of South Africa best or the most accuarately?

Every barbecue is instantly better if charcoal is used really. It is a flavor you cannot top. Did anything about your situation change or maybe you developed some thoughts about moving? I also wondered since I was young what my life would be like if I were to live elsewhere. Your wish to live in Hollywood as a filmmaker is more than understandable, so is of course Japan. I relate to the latter. The days of your youth spent on the countryside sound really precious, especially reading the fellowship of the ring there. I can totally imagine what reading the shire chapters felt like as that is also one of my dearest memories from here. And those shire chapters are just incredible. You really feel how much love and immersive fantasy Tolkien wrote them with. You can picture him reading it to his own son to fall asleep. I met some folks who love the films but didn't like the shire chapters in the book. But they might even be my favourite section. The hobbit life, which is even written with a bit of mockery, is just hilarious to me.

Oh I am sorry to hear that there are some issues with your brothers girlfriend. Though you call them petty stuff, I still consider it a challenge when living together and especially petty stuff can then feel like an obstacle one cannot cross. What tendencies and habits get under your skin particullary? And do you communicate them or feel hesitant due to the relationship? Recognizing you are rolling the wrong boulder up the wrong hill can be extremely frustrating and devastating. Like making the wrong sacrifices in life. I can understand that sentiment. It is time then to maybe throw that rock down and cross that hill. Be it as it may, I hope for the time while you are still rolling it up, there are moments of tranquility and peace found in doing so at that particular moment in time. Perhaps Orpheus descended down the underworld, it is said when he played the lyre down there, even Sisyphus stopped for a while and felt ease for a while.

Your review for Pluto was masterfully crafted and I agree with it pretty much. I love how you attributed it that sense of timelessness. I feel that is particullary accurate for the show. You also mention the narrative tangents relating to side characters that only later tie into the story. It is an aspect I really loved. I think Monster profited more from it due to its length. It is a narrative style I really came to love, especially as they add such crucial depth and vastness to the world and its themes. I will never forget that episode of Monster where Tenma comes across that elderly couple travelling in Germany and whos son is imprisoned. It is really well written, just like your review is. Alas, I wish there were more anime like Pluto nowadays. I feel so terribly disconnected from the state anime is today. Ten years ago we joked about the death of anime and how only ABe's Despera can save it. Well, still waiting for it. Also, it now feels almost prophetic. I don't want to be a grumpy old man, cynical about anything contemporary or that times change, I do not want to reaffirm that famous saying by Socrates, but anime really changed, hasn't it? Sure, we get stuff like Vinland Saga, but the industry really has become stale and even less daring to take some risks. The increased popularity and mainstream appeal has really not helped it from an artistic point of view. Not all of it is bad, mind you, I enjoyed some lighthearted stuff, but, it is insane the same industry that produced stuff like Texhnolyze, is the same that gives you isekai after isekai. It is like Anno's worst nightmares have been fulfilled and the industry, for obvious reasons, settled being just a medium for escapism and threw all hopes and ambitions for being more than that over board like a passenger at night. I know Evangelion and its impact largely contributed to that state, but I would really love there to be another Eva. It really paved the way for studios to take more risks for a while and I will never surrender my believe that anime as a medium with its specific culture surrounding it, offers insane potential for so much more.

I am very sorry to hear about what you have gone through in regards to your romantic life and with your ex. It sounds incredibly hurtful and complex. Especially when our hearts are involved and invested so deeply, we are incredibly vulnerable and confronted with our most inner being. All the fears, all the scars and wounds, all the hopes and dreams. It is a fine line we walk between the hill of happiness and the abyss of pain. I can emphasize why you struggled to forgive, and also why your feelings were still attached to that person in the way they were. Navigating the reality of the hedgehog dillemma, it is not an easy task. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply, and yet, or precisely due to that cause harm and hurt. I have to admit, I still couldn't find a way to interact with others while distancing pain. Have you? I can see why Misato is in certain ways becoming more relatable. And it is interesting because Misato saw a lot of herself in Shinji. And so it is maybe a translation of his issues into adult life, if they fail to be attended or integrated properly, if that is possible at all as we are struggling with the very reality of human interaction, that will not change. I hope you have not forsaken love Adam. There are moments between two people, where, despite all the hurt that was and that is to come, where it feels possible to cross that distance seperating people and where that leads to actually healing and peace. And I think for those moments of beauty it is worth it enduring all the suffering that comes with it. Still, relationships can fall apart. Hearts are broken, maybe more than just once. But there will always come the time, where we are maybe asked to dare to love once more, and I think this is actually what heals a broken heart. Love. I am not advocating escpaing into one relation after another, but opening your heart to love, maybe for life? Are there other characters you relate to in Evangelion? I think there is an aspect that makes everyone of them so human and relatable. Sometimes I feel and fear that I am becoming a bit like Gendo, who is very kin to my father actually, and then I feel like I am on the wrong path. There were moments I related to Kaji a lot aswell, mostly in moments I find acceptance and ease with my struggles. There is a lot of wisdom to watering his watermelons. Also, I realized now that we did indeed talk about the manga ending of Evangelion. I am sorry, my mind really is scattered. Please forgive me and simply ignore the paragraph where I wrote about it just now.

It is good to hear you loved Vinland Saga that much. I can only humbly agree with everything you expressed. It is a transformative story and I do believe it is a tale that has a huge impact on many people. I remember how it felt reading through the manga. How Thorfinn embraced and conceptualized that he had indeed no enemies, it is biblical stuff. And I loved seeing how many people that impacted. I mean so many young people who relate to Thorfinns journey and find a sense, or maybe even the hope, for redemption in it. That is powerful, generational even. I feel like it reconciles us to our humanity and to life. Many people dwell in silent desperation and feel lost in darkness. Seeing a story playing out that journey and offering a new path, it is an important thing to do.

Well my old friend, I think I have come to the end of my long overdue reply. I would totally understand and respect if you do not feel like replying to it since I vanished. But I am really happy you are still here and I would love to hear about how you are and how you are doing in your life these days. So please take good care and see you soon space cowboy.