Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one and only N. Ormous Wandwielder (original) (raw)

I found this article and thought you all might be interested.

His influence is everywhere. His books are loved by older wizards and younger wizards alike. His name has graced best seller lists for two decades. But N. Ormous Wandwielder is shrouded in mystery. Until very recently no articles had been written about him. No interviews given. There are no fan conventions in his honor, no symposiums for discussing his works. In fact, despite his impressive sales, actual fans of Wandwielder’s works have been difficult to find. But all this is suddenly changing.

In the paragraphs that follow we will uncover the truth about Wandwielder’s identity and what inspired him to create a world of soft-core smut for wizards of almost all ages to enjoy. We will look into his influence over new generation of writers. And with testimonials from his newest generation of fans, we will attempt to uncover the wizarding world’s dirty little secret – just who is buying and reading these novels, and why don’t they want anyone to know about it?

**********

"A friend of mine—well, when I say 'friend'- we
go to Hogwarts together and I’m a huge fan
of his. Anyway, he spends a lot of time in
the hospital wing, from, you know, saving the
world and that kind of thing. So every time
he’s in hospital I collect money in this cup
(*holds up a cup which reads "Save Harry"*).
I’m saving to buy him Wandwielder’s Collected
Works for the next time he’s laid up. To help
him pass the time, you know, because they’re
quite entertaining.I’ve heard."
Colin Creevey, president of the Harry Potter Fan Club

**********

The Birth of N. Ormous Wandwielder

The author of 87 smut novels was born Norman Oglethorpe Winslow on February 14, 1955. His parents were respectable wizards, Frank and Judy Winslow. Norman was their only child. The Winslows were American, and lived for most of Norman’s childhood, in the small town of Happy Camp in northern California. From a young age, Norman displayed a certain foppishness, leading to much ridicule from his classmates. He was never phased by their teasing, however, as he simply assumed that they were jealous of his good looks.

At age 10, Norman received a letter of acceptance from the Valley View School of Witchcraft and Wizardy – the premiere West Coast magical learning facility located in Southern Caifornia and disguised as a school for the fine arts. Norman had never been that interested in actually learning magic, except that his magical ability enabled him to indulge his flair for the dramatic.

He had an auspicious beginning to his education and indeed his eventual career when, while shopping for his own wand before the start of school, the wandmaker selected for him a 5 inch wand made of balsa wood. Enraged and unwilling to be seen with such a puny looking wand, he

overcompensated responded by demanding that the proprietor sell him a 13 inch wand made of mahogany. Loathe to lose the Winslow boy’s business to the new wand shop across the street, the wandmaker sold him the wand, while continuing to assure the boy that he would not get the optimum results from a wand not suited for him. Norman was deaf to the man’s words, however, and left the shop very full of himself indeed and proud of his new and unduly enormous wand.

It was shortly after the "wand incident" that Norman fashioned his eventual pen name. His first night in the Valley View dormitory, he started doodling his initials on a scrap piece of recycled paper.

N.O.W. . . . Norman Oglethorpe Winslow . . . *winces at the hideousness of given name . . . Neville Osgood Wigglesworth . . . (nah!) . . . Norman Oh-what-a Wand . . . wand, wand . . . Wandwielder! . . . Norman Osgood Wandwielder . . .(no, that’s no good either) . . . *looks at wand* . . . "my, what an enormous wand you have, Mr. Wandwielder" . . . *snickers* . . . enormous . . . ennnnnormous . . . N. Ormous . . . N. Ormous Wandwielder! *cackles triumphantly a la Margaret Hamilton*

However, Norman never shared this self-ascribed nickname with anyone until several years later.

Norman proved to be at best a very indifferent student of magic. He was quite impatient with having to do all kinds of work and practice to get results from his spells. But his enthusiasm for performing them in a highly dramatic fashion, however ill they turned out, was very great. There were a couple of things he was truly good at, though – grooming spells and memory charms. The memory charms he found use for later, as you will see, but he made excellent use of the grooming spells by turning himself into a sort of Adonis. In fact, he was able to make himself so charming and handsome that during his summer hiatus from school, he got several jobs modeling and even some small acting parts on muggle soap operas.

It was during his stint on a soap opera called The Winds of Tomorrow that he developed a taste for the sort of melodramatic, soft-core smut which he eventually brought into wizard homes across the globe. At the tender age of 17, he began a sordid affair with one of the show’s writers (a spunky red-head named Gladys Gudgeon), and soon became wrapped up in a tawdry world of bustiers, tight pants, and exchanged sighs of limitless pleasure.

It wasn’t long , however, before Gladys’s husband became aware of their amour, and Norman was forced to flee before completing the final year of his wizarding education. Norman emigrated to England and lived off the kindness of strangers for quite some time. Fearing that the angry husband would still somehow find him, he died his hair blonde, adopted a fake British accent and changed his name. His new name would be as well known as the name of any wizard in Britain. This name was . . .

Gilderoy Lockhart.

This may come as a shock to some readers, but it is absolutely true. The connection between Lockhart and Wandwielder was discovered by an intrepid journalist who wishes to remain nameless. Her code name: h311ybean. She refuses to tell us how she discovered this spectacular secret, but its verisimilitude is as unquestionable as the word of Joanne Rowling.

There is no need to rehash the history of Gilderoy Lockhart. His books on the Dark Arts are as popular as his alter ego’s smutty romances. What isn’t as well known about Gilderoy Lockhart is the great lengths to which he went to maintain his handsome appearance, and which inadvertently led to the first actual use of his alter ego’s name. When the grooming spells he learned as a student in the early 1970s were no longer fashionable and he could no longer get away with the David Cassidy hair, Gilderoy (that is to say, Norman) – unwilling to learn new spells – began to use muggle beauty products, which turned out to be more trouble than learning the new spells would have been. This method of upkeep turned out to be quite dangerous for Gilderoy. He developed a bad case of hives from muggle anti-aging cream (which he insisted on using while yet in his 20s), poked his eye with a mascara wand, and even had a near death experience while using a pair of curling tongs when the wire inexplicably got wrapped around his neck. After so many bad encounters with muggle

agents of death beauty items, he decided to bite the bullet and order a Kwikspell course on beauty tricks, which he ordered under the name of N. Ormous Wandwielder.

Lockhart submitted his first book for publication in 1982. It was called In the Kitchen with Gilderoy Lockhart, and he stole all his recipes from the first person who ever took him in upon his arrival in England. He was finally able to afford a place of his own, and while moving his few belongings he came across some old papers. Fledgling attempts at writing that were inspired by his experience – on and off-camera – on The Winds of Tomorrow. He began to develop these ideas into his first novel,

The Breeze of Yesteryear. He made his heroine, in a nod to former flame Gladys, a red-head.

Lockhart submitted

The Breeze of Yesteryear under his new official pen-name, N. Ormous Wandwielder. He sent the manuscript by owl and refused to meet the publisher in person, in order to protect his reputation. The publisher thought it odd and a bit suspicious that an author would not want to negotiate a contract in person, but he was so compelled by Wandwielder’s writing that he agreed to publish right away.

Felicity laid back on the sofa, her blouse stretched tight across her ample bosom, and as Ralph (pronounced Rafe) looked at her, he felt a stirring in his loins. He sank onto the cushions next to her and lowered himself until he was suspended just above her arched torso. With one last predatory glance, he pressed himself against her and ignited in the fiery heat of his own desire, his hands boldly exploring the uncharted territory of her warm flesh.

"Oh, Ralph!" Felicity moaned into his ear. "How do you get your hands to move like that?"

Ralph paused, looked at her with a sly grin and whispered, "It’s from years of joined-up writing, darling."

(

The Breeze of Yesteryear, UK ed., p. 43)

Wandwielder followed

The Breeze of Yesteryear with a less subtle title, The Witch and the Blonde Wizard With a Giant Wand and followed that up with dozens more. He quickly found an audience and his book sales went through the roof. He was quite a prolific writer and throughout the 1980s and into the early 1990s his books quite literally flew off the shelves. His readership, however, remained in the closet about their N.Ormous enthusiasm.

Just before accepting the Defense Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts, Lockhart wrote what would be Wandwielder’s greatest artistic achievement – his 84th novel, the epic

Geshlafiguch.

Benedict awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of a woman’s voice moaning from a distant room. He rose and pulled on his dressing gown and slippers. Picking up his wand from the nightstand, he muttered "Lumos" and his wand tip emitted a soft glow. He followed the noise to the end of the dark corridor and found himself at the door to Margaret’s bedchamber. He recognized the groaning voice from within as hers. Her cries were becoming more frequent and higher pitched. She sounded as if she were in exquisite pain. As the moans became louder, they seemed to be forming syllables . . . "ge . . . gesh . . . geshl . . .

"GESHLAFIGUCH!" she finally articulated, before the moaning died down, though Margaret was still, according to Benedict’s ears, breathing rather heavily. He finally screwed up his courage to knock on the door, and Margaret soon appeared, her nightdress rather carelessly settled on her fine form and her skin suffused with an unnaturally rosy glow.

"Are you alright, Miss Kittredge?" he asked Margaret, trying not to betray his alarm.

"Oh, yes," she replied in a breathy voice. "Quite," she added with a sudden sense of propriety. "Why do you ask?"

"I – errrr – I simply heard you call out and wondered if I could be of any assistance," Benedict stated quickly and quite innocently.

A sly smile played about Margaret’s lips. "Did you, now? Well, I daresay you can be of use to me. But perhaps not tonight."

"Very well, then."

Benedict turned to go, but something stopped him.

"If I may ask, miss . . . what was that word you called out. Geshlafiguch, was it?"

"You’re quite the little eavesdropper, aren’t you, Mr. Winthrop?" asked Margaret, still smiling.

"Miss Kittredge, I—"

"Come to me tomorrow evening," Margaret said seriously, "and all will be revealed."

Benedict nodded nervously, and turned away from her.

"Oh, and Benedict," she added. "When you come . . .

(the extended pause made Benedict’s breath quicken) . . . bring your wand." (

Geshlafiguch, UK ed., pp. 71-72)

Lockhart wrote two more novels while employed at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and began a third before his memory charm backfired and landed him in St. Mungo’s without a clue as to who he was.

After two and a half years of hospitalization and countless forms of therapy, Lockhart regained much of what little sense he had in the first place. While he recovered, though, his writing was reaching a new audience, and gaining a popularity that even Lockhart would never have dared to expect.

**********

"Ever since Flourish and Blotts took Wandwielder’s books
out of the Restricted Section and put them out on the
main floor, I’ve been hooked. I’ve bought twenty of them
so far and borrowed several more from my friends. My
favorites are On the Wings of Impossible Love, Polish
My Broomstick, Y Tu Muggle Tambien . . . and of course
Geshlafiguch. But don’t tell my Gran, okay?"
Neville Longbottom, Hogwarts student and Boy Who Lived 2

**********

Secrets of the Vegetable Bin

OTTERY ST. CATCHPOLE – Ginny Weasley creeps through the kitchen of her family’s eccentric home – we’re not sure why – toward the vegetable bin, and opens it with the solemnity of one uncovering a sacred relic.

GW: Mum sent me to fetch potatoes for dinner one night, and I guess she forgot she had them in here. She doesn’t keep them all in here, though. There’s not enough room anymore now she’s collected all of them. (pulls out stacks and stacks of paperback books; there are no vegetables to be seen; Ginny begins to hold them up individually) Here’s

The Breeze of Yesteryear . . . Never Wear Your Tippet to Bed . . . Wardrobe Malfunctions of the Third Kind . . . oooh, and Bang My Goblet. I just finished reading that one.
WH1: What do you think makes Wandwielder’s books so popular?
GW: (blushing) Well, I think you already know the answer to that. But one of the things I like about them – besides the obvious – is that Wandwielder doesn’t take his story or his characters too seriously. There’s always a sense of humor. Humor is really important
WH1: Indeed. What do you make of this recent discovery of Wandwielder’s true identity?
GW: Well, Lockhart makes a much better smut novelist than a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, that’s for sure. No, I was surprised, of course. But it’s good to know he’s put his talent for lying to good use.

A Fortuitous Discovery

It was Ginny’s discovery of her mother’s secret stash of Wandwielder novels and the chain reaction that followed that led to the explosion of popularity of the works among young people. Upon finding the naughty novels for the first time, Ginny instantly showed them to her older brother Percy, who proceeded to scold his younger brothers Fred and George (twins and notorious jokesters) for bringing trashy novels into the house. Fred and George swore they were innocent before passing the buck to their younger brother Ron, who they said could have bought them when he and his girlf—I mean, close friend Hermione were shopping together in Diagon Alley. When Percy confronted Ron, Ron said he’d never heard of Wandwielder, but that maybe the books belonged to the oldest brothers, Bill and Charlie, who were, after all, adults. Still no closer to discovering the owner of the books, Percy, Fred, George and Ron decided to get rid of them before their mother found them. Upon finding the novels missing, Molly feared that her husband had discovered them, and confronted him about it, though choosing her words very carefully. Arthur, who had heard of the novels but had never read them, was appalled that his wife could accuse him of bringing books like that into their home.

After weeks of accusations, denials, and much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the books were never mentioned in the Weasley household again. However, Molly has since reacquired her missing novels, and in fact has collected all 86 books now in print. The books she doesn’t have well-hidden are charmed to look like New Witches’ Home and Garden magazines. She reads these disguised versions in bed, while her husband reads issues of PC World and Electronics Today that are disguised (by way of a similar charm) as work files.

This household trauma did have one good outcome – for Wandwielder anyway. The Weasley children were introduced to his novels and became overnight fans. Fred, George and Ron sent him story ideas, which he used (without giving due credit) in the last two novels he wrote before his accident – The Twins and Their Quidditch Teammates Behind the Bleachers and The Carrot Top and the Frizzy-Headed Witch He Loved (both of which remained on the Daily Prophet best seller list until Wandwielder’s 87th book recently became available for pre-orders).

**********

"I have no shame in admitting that I possess
all 86 volumes of Mr. Wandwielder’s Collected
Works, and have already reserved my copy of the
87th volume. I enjoy them all very much.
They are an absolute hoot."
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts

**********

The Not-So-Secret Diary

WEASLEYS’ WIZARD WHEEZES, DIAGON ALLEY – Fred and George Weasley sit on either side of their desk with their feet propped up, displaying their dragon skin boots.

WH1: You gentlemen have contributed quite a bit to wizarding literary history.
Fred: You might say that.
George: Though not as much as ickle Ginny.
WH1: Indeed.
Fred: That’s truer than you know, mate. Not only did she find the books in the first place, but she . . . well, she practically wrote that new one that’s coming out.
WH1: Really? How do you mean?
George: Well, she had this diary in her first year – the year Wandwielder-slash-Lockhart was at Hogwarts. She accidentally left it lying out one night and we took a peek at it.
Fred: ‘Course there wasn’t much to see. Till we met Tom, that is.
George: She’d written in there a bunch of dreams she’d had about Ha—about this little second year she had a crush on.
Fred: We tricked Tom into showing them to us. Crikey, that little sis of ours has got some gutter imagination.
George: Well, it’s his fault, isn’t it? Wandwielder’s. If she hadn’t found those books—
Fred: Anyway, we wrote the stuff down and sent it to Wandwielder with our other ideas, yeah?
George: And Ron’s.
Fred: Oh yeah. Ron’s too.
George: And then those last two books come out with our ideas, but no mention of Ginny’s dreams.
Fred: Which was kind of a good thing considering that the diary was a way for Gin to get possessed by a seriously evil wizard. No sense reminding her of it while it was still going on.
George: Too right, bro. But Lockhart must have started on it before he zapped himself, because that passage Witch Weekly printed about Perry walking in on Winny in the bathtub – that was straight out of the diary.
Fred: Well, that and the fact that the girl’s name is Winny Geasley. He’s not very good at changing names to protect the innocent, is he?
George: Oh yeah.
WH1: Wait, are you saying that Winny in the new book is based on your sister, Ginny?
Fred: Duh.
George: Get a clue, big guy.
WH1: So Perry Hotter is none other than—

(Scuffling and recorder malfunction)

WH1: So, anyway, what do you think about the sudden surge in Wandwielder’s popularity?
Fred: It’s been a long time coming.
George: Yeah. Hogwarts has its own Wandwielder’s Quill society.
Fred: And then there’s the website.
WH1: The what?
George: Website. There’s this thing called the internet that the muggles use. Hermione turned us on to it. She runs a site called N.U.Endo. There’s some discussion forums on there, but it’s mostly for Wandwielder fanfiction.
WH1: Fanfiction?
Fred: Come out of the Dark Ages, mate. Fanfiction. Like when people write stories using Wandwielder’s characters. Ginny does a lot of it.
George: I don’t know where she gets all that stuff, to tell the truth.
Fred: Yeah, sometimes her stories are so good, I confuse them with the books.

Ginny Weasley had no comment on her reputation as a writer of Wandwielder fanfiction or on the diary entries that inspired the latest Wandwielder novel. However she did reveal that the website, to which she has contributed several of her own works has even reached the muggle world, and is largely responsible for Wandwielder’s newfound popularity among their ranks.

Hermione Granger, who runs N.U.Endo and does all the beta reading, denied any affiliation with the site and refused to be interviewed for Behind the Smut. The only word we could get out of her was "Honestly!"

**********

"Wandwielder? Are you kidding?
You think I’ve got nothing better
to do than read that tripe?"
Draco Malfoy, Hogwarts student and closet Wandwielder fan

"Yeah, I’ve read some of them."
"Me too."
"I don’t really get it. You?"
"Nope."
Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, Hogwarts resident thugs and Wandwielder Fan Wannabes

**********

The Rebirth of N. Ormous Wandwielder

Two and a half years after the accident that cost him his memory, Lockhart received a box of his personal effects from the flat he formerly let in London, which had changed ownership. Among the various wigs and pastel robes was an unfinished manuscript and some preparatory notes for what looked to be a novel by a man with the name of Wandwielder. The innuendo of the name struck Lockhart’s funny bone, but there was something familiar about the name that Lockhart couldn’t quite put a finger on.

A few days later, on an unauthorized walk outside the closed ward, he strolled into the Hospital Shop. Among the stuffed animals and candy containers there was a small collection of paperback books, many of them written by N. Ormous Wandwielder. Fumbling for some change in the pocket of his robe, he bought a copy of

The Breeze of Yesteryear. He chose that title because of a particularly fetching redhead on the cover. Something in the far reaches of his memory told him he had an affinity for redheads.

After reading

The Breeze of Yesteryear, Lockhart took a closer look at the manuscript and notes and was struck by an intense desire to finish the story. He requested a quill and some parchment from one of the Healers and set to work right away, soon finishing a first draft.

The particulars of how the manuscript got to Wandwielder’s original publisher and the circumstances of the subsequent discovery of his true identity are not known to WH1, nor indeed to anyone save Lockhart himself, his publisher, and the aforementioned h311ybean. Suffice it to say that Wandwielder was back at work doing what he did best – corrupting the minds of respectable wizards all over Britain.

**********

"Each Wandwielder book reaches an apex when
the hero presents the heroine with a symbol
of everlasting love. In previous books, these
tokens have been in the form of toast, a AA
battery, socks, potato peelings, and old newspapers.
I have it on good authority that in Winny Geasley
and the Green-Eyed Wizard Owner of the Great Wand
the symbol of everlasting love is (*smiles knowingly at the red-haired girl sitting next to her*)
the collected works of a best-selling author."
Anonymous (seriously, she said if we revealed her identity she would clobber us to death with her copy of Hogwarts, a History)

**********

The New Age of Wandwielder

With 87 novels in print, a website devoted to discussing his works and writing stories about his characters, and a whole new fanbase that includes muggles, Wandwielder is at the top of his game. This past weekend – just in time for Valentine’s day –

Winny Geasley and the Green-Eyed Wizard Owner of the Great Wand hit both wizard and muggle bookstores on two continents and sold in record numbers.

Lockhart already has an 88th Wandwielder book planned, called

Germiani Hanger and the Keeper For the Studly Stallions. Here’s hoping we won’t have to wait quite so long to see this one.

Several people contributed pieces to the Wandwielder puzzle by disclosing bits of information about him and his fans on SQ, and I would be remiss in failing to recognize them: h311ybean (of course), snitch1488, themorningstarr, Aquilla, elwing_alcyone, briannadarknite, Ric, LyssaQuill, Shi-chan, Tara, harryswheezy, rachnmi, Kitcat26, Werrf, and liana-fides.

Thank you for your time and attention.