21 October 2004 - My little corner of reality (original) (raw)

After aikido tonight, a bunch of us went out for sushi -- not that rare an occurance, really. But the mood was a little more somber than normal; Sensei had just told us that his uncle was dying of cancer, and that he was going out to New York to visit with him next week. The banter was light, but the mood was still set.

We finally finished our food, and sat back to enjoy some more light conversation, and Theresa started to tell us all about how she needed to go spend some time with one of her daughters, because one of her friends had just committed suicide by jumping off of a building. And I flashed back to highschool....

I got to school late, because I had business off of campus for the morning. I got there about halfway through lunch; pleanty of time for a chess game. So I walked in to the library, and said, "Hey guys. Where's Jimmy?" You could cut the tension in the room with a knife, as the librarian (Mrs. Thompson -- what a cool person) told me gently, "Brian, Jimmy killed himself last night."

So I sat there at sushi for a second, waiting for the moment to pass. But this one held on for a bit, and I had to get up and go outside. I made the door before the tears came, and I sat outside for a few minutes trying to catch up with myself. It had been years since this happened. Why now?

So Alan came outside, and asked me what was up, and I told him the story about what happened when I was in high school 12 years ago. He just sat there and listened. And then everyone else came out, with looks of concern on there faces. So I told the story again, reliving that moment for a third time, fighting to maintain my composure.

So we talked a while longer, about politics, about the Red Sox (Yehaw!), about how we were all looking forward to Saturday class. But now there was a sense of fragility in the air.

So now, I'm preparing to go to sleep, and I know the demons I will face tonight when I close my eyes. And I know that this feeling will come with me into tomorrow, and I hate the fact that the only way I see Jimmy is when I close my eyes, and that I can't just call him and say hello.

Sorry to drama queen like this, ut this is truly how I feel right now.