The 2004 NHL Season (original) (raw)

Yes, that's right folks. I'm back, from an... uh... from a three-year tour of Scandinavia, Europe, and the Sub-Continent. Apologies on the lateness of all this, but I've been insanely without time.

DEC. 23

WILD 3, LIGHTNING 0

It was bound to happen.

The defending Cup champion Tampa Bay Lightning entered the Xcel Energy Center, championship rings glittering.

After spending the first period blindly skating about, the Wild made it back to the locker room a tired, eyesore team.

"We weren't expecting their rings to be so bright," explained coach Jacque Lemaire. "I mean, Jesus Christ, they're blinding even through their gloves!"

Lemaire's Wild returned to the game better prepared, sporting sunglasses and tinted visors. However, despite these preparations, the Wild were still only able to defend their net against the Lightning, firing only four shots on goal in the second.

Finally, the Wild found an unexpected secret weapon in a recent acquisition. Having been called up from the Houston Aeros only two days before, retired rapper Jay-Z skated out on a line with wingers Marian Gaborik and Andrew Brunette. Despite losing the puck on the faceoff, Jay-Z quickly regained the puck after blinding the Lightning right back.

"I couldn't believe it!" ranted Lightning captain Vincent Lecavalier. "Even a sex symbol like myself, I've NEVER seen bling like that!"

After losing the puck to Lecavalier, Jay-Z whipped out a six pound dollar-sign diamond encrusted chain from under his jersey, causing the entire opposing team to drop, blinded by the bling. Jay-Z took the puck the length of the ice and scored on a practically empty net, Nikolai Khabibulin writhing about in the crease screaming "The pain! The pain!"

Lemaire called a timeout after the goal, after which the entire Wild team returned to the ice sporting huge chains. Marian Gaborik and Alexander Daigle both followed Jay-Z's goal later in the third.

Wild netminder Vlad blocked all of the Lightning's nineteen shots, facing lighter opposition after unknowingly stepping on Martin St. Louis at the end of the first.

The only injury came to Lightning wing Ruslan Fedotenko, continuing his fine tradition of injuring himself in every game since the Cup playoffs. Fedotenko slipped in the crease and cut a huge gash in his forehead with his championship ring early in the third.

"Hopefully we won't have to worry about another Battle of the Bling for quite sometime," commented Wild captain Nick Schultz.

Anyway, playing catchup:

WILD 4 - KINGS 1: MIN Gaborik (2), Schultz (1), Walz (1). LA Palffy (1) PP

WILD 2 - DEVILS 3: MIN Kuba (1) PP, Dupuis (1). NJ Elias (2), Gomez (1).

WILD 6 - STARS 0: MIN Schultz (2), Daigle (2), Chouinard (1) SH, Gaborik (1). (Amidst rampant fan/Stars brawls... still bitter over that North Stars business)

WILD 1 - SHARKS 1: MIN Gaborik (1). SJ Marleau (1).

WILD 2 - PENGUINS 1: MIN Walz (1), Brunette (1) EN. PIT Lemieux (1).

WILD 3 - STARS 2: MIN Chouinard (2), Vladikov (1) EN. DAL Guerin (2).