The Complexities Of My Brain (original) (raw)

Jess and I had a llooonnnggg talk last nite. It was rly hard for me to explain to her exactly how I was feeling, cause shes never been thru the things I went thru in my past that kind of made me sXe and super anti drug.

(seeing my mom struggle for 4 years to quit smoking, my dad stuggle for 10 years to quit smoking, and my dads raging alcohol abuse...these are all things I dont talk about alot, things even jess didnt kno, bc I just try to hide them from myself and everyone else, theyre in the past and theres nothing I can do about them now)

But, on the flip side, I cant understand completely where shes coming from bc ive nvr been physically addicted to anything, so I dont understand how her body aches when shers craving ciggs.

So we talked for like 3 hrs trying to get each other to kind of understand the other persons POV, and I think we understand each other the best we can. She doesnt, and never did, want to smoke that cigg, and she felt terrilble afterwards, and I can understand that. And forgive her for it, and im there for her cause this is hard on her to deal w/.

We went later to her car and grabbed the pack and threw it out, together. It symbolized more than just her not having another one(which, btw, was her 1st in over a year)...but it symbolized me being there for her. She has nvr had a bf who has actually cared about her and her well being, so she hasnt quite grasped the concept that she can turn to me if she needs to.

We also talked about her self destructiveness, about how as soon as she finished the cigg, she texted me and told me to just leave her cause she fucked up. And she does that wenever she does anything that makes me upset. And we discussed how shes doing it bc its easier for her 2 push me away instead of me leaving. Shes so afraid im just gonna up and leave if she upsets me. I explained to her, again, that im not like her exes, that I care, for real, about her. When she does self destructive things like that, it hurts me, too. And she nvr understood that.

I explained to her how, a couple years ago, I was very self descructive. My spening money was terrible, and its y im in the situation financially that I am. I also explained how, just like she does now, I used to just curl up and die everytime there was some conflict. I told her how she reacts that way bc of the shitty guys in her life, and I used to react that way bc of one shitty guy in my life(my dad). So I madeher realize that I do kno wat shes going thru. I told her how much work holly put into me while we were together to get me to come out of my shell more, and how I will do the same for her, bc I know how much better it is to b able to talk instead of curling up.

So we worked it out, eventually. And we spent the rest of the nite watching corpse bride and cuddling. Overall, it worked out for the better...just like every fight we have.

Today sucks at work, were open till 9 on a sunday, and we just got an email saying there sgonna b a couple ppl from HQ here wed...great...