fattest of them all (original) (raw)

[	mood	\|	fucking disgusted	]

When I was in highschool I was fat. The curious thing is that I didn't even know it. I was 5'1 and weighed in at a chunky 135. I thought I was okay. I didn't know what everyone else did. My body image was that of a "normal" person. I had a crush on the most beautiful boy. A friend of a friend. God, how I loved him. I thought I would just die if he didn't love me back. Funny how the mind of a teenage girl works sometimes. I wanted him so badly. When I finally mustered up enough courage to tell him I like him I thought my heart was going to explode. The friend in the middle relayed the message, as is often the case in the curious dictate of high school diragisme. That afternoon I waited at the bus stop, anxious and giggly with my girlfriends to hear the news. Jessie, the boy that was the goffer is this drama looked nervous too. He waited for the other's reluctant departures. He was staring at his feet and looked embarassed. "So what did he say?" Silence. Then, "it was kinda bad...". "Soooo". Here is the big part. Drumroll PLEASE. He said "THAT FAT BITCH....YEAH RIGHT!" Jessie mumbled something about missing his bus and scrambled away quickly. I stood there for a moment and tried to soak in what I just heard, not quiet sure if I heard correctly. Wow. So there it was. I was fat. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. That was the year I lost 20lbs., and the first of many times in my life I would starve myself for control.

When I was a senior, I found that happy spot with my weight. I was about 116, and was no longer starving myself to stay there. I was whole and well again. I had conquered the demon, or so I thought. It was at this time that I began managing my weight through vegatarianism. I was healthy and looked as great as I felt. This was around the time that I met the person who would later father my first child. I was a teacher's assistant for a prealgebra class that mostly consisted of freshmen. I was sitting there on the first day of class, and he walked in the room. He was a skinny boy. He wore glasses and had hair that was long and kinda stringy. He made me laugh, and right away, I liked him. His name was John. It wasn't love at first sight, but to this day, I can still remember what he was wearing. It was like fate was whispering a tiny little secret in my ear. Telling me something that I would only hear later on, many years down the road. It would be another year and a half before we would begin dating. That would change everything. Everything.

Most of my life I was poor. I never had it easy. I have worked hard for everything I've ever had. So too, I work hard for this. I spent my day today in that haze of near delirium that comes along with not eating. I should mention too, that I am fat. Not the fat that comes with the warped body image of a teenage girl who weighs 90 fucking pounds and still sees a big fat pig in the mirror. No. I am fat in the realest sense of the word. I weigh 155 lbs. and I fucking hate myself for it everyday. So I began this punishment again. I will be better. I will be strong. And if I have to fucking starve myself for it, then that is what I will do. I should also mention what has brought about this revelation. I mentioned before my first child, my daughter. She is now 7 years old. When I went to the hospital to have her I weighed 155 lbs. and now here I am today at 155. I had her, and I lost the weight. Period. Then along came my second child. My son was the result of a flirtation between myself and my roommate-a friend of mine that I had known for the better part of 10 years. I got pregnant. We stayed together. He is the greatest love of my life. Here we are. We've been together for almost 3 years. Our son just turned 2. He asked me to marry him. We are getting married in August. Horray! Fucking great. What does this have to do with anything? Well, after I had my son, my health was not so good. Weak, tired, and overworked. I had a C-section after a very difficult pregnancy, and returned to work when he was a month old. He had colick and was a generally fussy baby. I was under great financial and emotional strain. I couldn't diet and exercise the way I needed to. It was all just too much. I got SOOO fat when I was pregnant with him. The diference between him and my daughter was night and day. Where the weight fell off effortlessly with my first pregnancy, this time it did not. So here I am. He's two. I'm fat. I am telling you all this because it is important for you to know if you are to understand why I have driven myself to this extreme. Now I had accepted that I was never going to be thin again. I was okay with it. Then oneday, I stumbled upon this in my boyfriend's myspace trashcan.
Forgive the typos, in his excitement, my fuckhead boyfriend made some typographical errors. Do your best people.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: (my fuckhead boyfriend)
Date: May 9, 2006 2:12 PM

ok, so the girlf rom work upsets this new girl that was talking to me. her name is suzi btw and shes an editor at the news herald. so suzi walks off and im like bummed out. i wasnt trying to pimp or anythign i was just having a good time.

well like 15 minutes later suzi comes back and is saying shes sorry and i wasnt trying to be aggressive or anythign at her, and she didnt have anyr eason to be mad, she was just dissapointed cause she was hoping i was single. so we start talking again and keep playing darts and the longer we hang out the more she just starts coming on to me again. she keeps saying how she cant help it that im cute and she likes me and stuff. so im just being nice, i keep telling her shes being bad and trying to get me in trouble.

well i go to leave and im like well, why dont you give me your number and ill call you and we can talk while your sober. maybe we can hang out sometime as just friends or whatever. shes like why? you should just come with me and shit. so i say well whose to say youd even like me or think iw as cute if you werent drinking. she says trust me yadda yadda and then starts kissing me and shit. well i mean i wasnt going to throw her off me you know lol.
so after shes kissing on me for a bit her best friend comes and drags her off and shes like getting pissed cause they are pulling her away.

definatly a crazy night.
met a cool dude, went to meet a fine girl from work whose been trying to get at me, and end up making out with a 25 yr old editor of a news paper thats pretty banging.

i emailed her, but we will se if she replies. i dunno if she was just looking for a good time that night or what, but she was cool. id just like to be friends with her ya know.

anyway that was my night ;)

shiloh says shes prolly having a party at max's aunts beach house this weekend and that you guys are coming?

----------------- Reply -----------------
From: (his asshole friend)
Date: May 9, 2006 2:37 PM

dude, you should get me a job at the news herald. :P
sounds intense. but cover your fucking tracks. dont let that bitch know your phone number or msn or anything since {your loving devoted girlfriend that would never, ever, EVER fucking cheat on you ya fucking jerk off} is always on your msn during the day. and dont let your myspace auto-log in or anything. chicks always find a way to find out man. always. its happened to me more than once :(

sounds fun though. i dont have any classes this summer so we should hang more. invite that one dude over. i'll bring adam or something.

anyway, peace man

All the stuff in the {} I added for dramatic effect;).
Now to make sense of this for you, this convo began on MSN and was continued on MYSPACE. This is the only portion that I caught because my fuckheasd boyfriend left his myspace page browser open. The reason I snooped is because he took his asshole friends WONDERFUL fucking advice and took all his shit off of autolog. No. That's not fucking suspicious. So to make a long story short, he didn't fuck her, but he let that vile bitch put her fucking mouth on him. To me, any sort of physical contact is cheating. He swears he didn't. Call me silly, but I believe him. Not because I'm stupid, but because he is a fucking terrrible liar and I would smell it from a mile away. Incidentally, if any psycho stalkers are reading this, ther is a certain editor at the news herald in Panama City , FL named Suzi that I would love for someone to pay a visit to. Just a suggestion. So now, I'm not starving myself for him. I'm doing it for me. Because I let myself down by not being good enough. But I will be better.