the one and only Ocean County community (original) (raw)

I know this around the same time last year, but I think its great, and I know people in this community will appreciate it, so w/o further ado, once again, "Don't Wear Sunscreen"

"Beach-goers of the year 2005: DON'T wear sunscreen. By not wearing sunscreen, you will turn embarassingly and painfully red, teetering on the edge of sun poisoning, doing long-term damage to your skin, thus making the thought of you returning to the beach nauseatingly terrifying. The rest of my advice is designed to keep similarly brainless idiots away from the Jersey Shore. I will dispense this advice ... now:

Get many tatoos. Body art is a sign of extreme intelligence and depth.

Wear a belly ring. Even if you do not possess the flat stomach it was designed for. Let it be a neon sign telling the world "I hate sit-ups, but I love Cheet-os". Its still sexy as hell.

You are fat. You'll look back at pictures of yourself now, when you're in the doctor's office in 20 years, waiting for your new cholesterol drug and heart monitor and think "I should have noticed I was a pig then".

When on a crowded beach, or from your hotel balcony: feed the seagulls. It is as cool as you think. Hopefully, someone who has 1/2 an ounce of common sense will bury in the sand from the neck down, staple strips of 2 day old clams to your face and let those sky rats have at you. THAT will look cool.

On the boardwalk, wear your pants way below your underwear line. Quality women find this intoxicatingly enticing.

And should trouble break out, the cops would never think to question "Hugh Belch" ... even if you are not alone and in a crowded pizza shop: BELCH.

Run swiftly on a crowded beach, kicking sand on people and their children as you wiz by. It will make them comfortable.

While driving on Ocean Avenue, play your radio loud. The other tourists, and especially the locals find it soothingly alluring.

Read fashion magazines on the beach. It will amaze and astonish the other beach-goers just to know the you can read.

And in the off-season, if someone does not kill you, or you do not perish by your own devices, next season remember 1 thing:

Long Island ...

... Rehoboth Beach ...

... The Outer Banks ...

... The freakin Poconos!!!!! ANYWHERE! JUST STAY OFF THE JERSEY SHORE, YA MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!"