our_binges (original) (raw)

OK, maybe getting back online wasn't the best idea in the world. Most days, having the communities and support seems to help, but it also gets me obsessing about food 24/7, and I think sometimes that just triggers a binge. I've been on here at home, and trying to figure out what to include on an ED website while I'm at work, so maybe it's just too damn much.

Then again, maybe it was the whole parental stress thing. My parents were in town Tuesday night, and wanted to meet us for dinner. I spent must've last week stressing over it, because I didn't want them in the house [it's a mess and I knew I wouldn't get around to cleaning it], and I was worried about going out to eat. My mom barely eats because she had a gastric bypass and can't, and my dad's all weird over food because he's got diabetes and health problems now from being overweight. I knew they'd be all healthy, but then if I don't pig out they get all worried because I was eating disordered when I lived at thome with them.

To add to the stress, we've been having trouble with the neighbors, and they got the cops involved, which has just been a huge hassle. Also, work called Saturday night and told me not to come in, because I wasn't needed. Everything was cool then, and I felt like crap Sunday night, so I called back and one of the officers told me that I could take the night off too, but the sergeant was busy and couldn't talk. I fell asleep without calling him back, and the next morning saw that they had called after midnight wanting me to come in, and were going to report me to my supervisor for a "no call, no show". I worried about that all day Monday, and all of Monday night [thankfully, I didn't get in trouble, and my boss just told me to talk to a sergeant or higher next time, not to count on another officer to pass on the right message].

Anyway, I was just all to pieces Monday, and binged like hell. I even tried binging on halfway healthy stuff, but that didn't help, and just made it worse - I just had to be eating, and I could not make myself stop. It was weird random food, too - ( cut for emntion of specifc foodsCollapse ) Who in their right mind does that? The weird thing is the celery seems to be what started it. I had a good breakfast [low-sugar oatmeal], and wanted just a little more, and letting myself have all the celery to snack on while surfing the net triggered a damn feeding frenzy. :(

Anyway, it all came up to 4056 calories. I don't know how long it's been since I've eaten that much in one day even! I freaked out afterward and tried to throw up to purge, and I could hardly get any of it up. I somehow made myself pass out, so I gave up on that, because by the time I came to the food would've been digested, and I really didn't want my husband to catch me in that situation. I dunno why I freaked out so much, but I could not get myself back under control. I've seriously thought about talking to a shrink again, just to stop myself from binging, but there are so many other issues I don't want to get into, and I'm afraid they'd try to make me keep losing weight altogether, or stop me from restricting [especially when I start going lower and losing weight], and I cannot handle that, because it means I'll just keep being fat.

x-posted to shesfallenapart purgatorium owed