Screaming through flesh.'s Journal (original) (raw)
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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded inScreaming through flesh.'s LiveJournal:
| Sunday, December 14th, 2008 | |
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| _12.14.08 (Sunday) 7:56am_[slitmetonight] |
Hi Hey, actually very new to this. Benn self injuring for nearly seven years now, for a various reasons. Not really here for someone to help me get better, I do not in fact want to stop, but if anyone wants to just talk, about anything and everything, just let me know.Nona. Current Mood:  frustrated (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, September 25th, 2008 | |
| _9.25.08 (Thursday) 1:10pm_[crimsonsparkles] |
New person here... ( Sorry...Collapse ) Current Mood:  unsure (3 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Friday, September 19th, 2008 | |
| _9.19.08 (Friday) 12:35am_[tundere] |
New Flesh ( Hey there.Collapse ) (Comment on this) |
| Monday, September 1st, 2008 | |
| _9.01.08 (Monday) 11:24pm_[draugwen] |
( Newbie infoCollapse ) (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, October 14th, 2006 | |
| _10.14.06 (Saturday) 10:13pm_[adal_armida] |
New Flesh ( Newbie InfoCollapse ) ( PicturesCollapse ) (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 | |
| _6.28.06 (Wednesday) 2:23am_[dramaticpanther] |
1. Are you:A. femaleB. male2. Sexual Orientation:A. heterosexualB. gay/lesbianC. bisexual D. asexual3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)Freeloader/job hunter4. How old are you currently?195. How old were you when you first SI-ed?I can't really remember. 15 or 166. Why do you SI?A million and one reasons. Often it's because I can't stop thinking about something particularly painful... it gives me something else to focus on.7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?Used to cut, but most things sharp have been taken from my posession. I scratch a lot now. I'll cut again, I think, whenever I've got a place of my own. I can't stand those looks of pity8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?Hard to say. Everything kind of blurs for me.9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?Before:Almost as if I'm lusting for it. I'm usually really, really frustrated, overly upset, feeling trappedDuring: Kind of frenziedAfter: Incredibly relieved, with a side-order of guilt... but mostly relief10. Do you have any rituals?Not really. I feel compelled to have rituals.. perhaps if I get a special knife. When I start cutting again, I probably will.11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?I did it in class once, but I wasn't caught. But those very cuts were the ones my mother found when she first discovered I was cutting. After that, I felt like... Well, it felt like how I'd always imagined it would feel to kill someone. Complete and utter sickness in my stomach, guilt, fear, sadness... 12. Do you anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?My cousin Niki. I started cutting because she did. I was confused by her actions. I didn't understand. When I first tried it, it meant nothing to me... but then in this moment of desparation I found myself compelled to do it again. And I did. It was all kinda downhill from there.13. How do you hide your SI?Long-sleeved shirts. I used to have this snap-buttoned cuff thing my cousin Niki gave to me. That covered a lot of 'em.14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?Yeah. My sister, my friend Anna, my friend Bethany (She's also a cutter. Very open about it. Looking at her arms makes me itch to cut.) and a few online friends. Other people know because I was caught.15. How did they react and what did you feel?My sister just said she was bothered about it, Anna didn't care, Bethany... is just curious. She wishes I didn't need to do it, but understands why I do. My online friends are all uncomfortable when I mention it.16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?I told my sister because we were both 'spilling our guts'. I found out that day that she was a stoner and not a virgin. O.o My mind spun. Anna was there, so that's how she found out. Bethany already knew. She's got a sense for these things. The online people I told because I was feeling particularly grotesque and I wanted to make them squirm. Stupid of me, really.17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?Difficult. I feel really guilty and I've got people giving me these knowing, loving looks that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. They also feel inclined to check my arm for cuts... and if they find them, they touch them. I fucking hate it when people tuch my cuts18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?No. It's a constant. Something that's mine. I don't know what I'd do without it.19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?O.o I watch old movies. Things like Anchors Aweigh... or I watch romance movies. Or comedies. Something that's empty, light, and numbing.20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?Haven't had medical attention from my injuries. I've had doctors ask about it, but I was always... yeah. Stand-offish.21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?Ugh. Counselling. Terribly uneffective and uncomfortable.22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?Zoloft for depression. It made me completely and utterly unstable. I nearly killed myself.23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?Nah.24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:DepressionProbably other things, but that's what I know about.25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)I was molested as a kid. I was maybe three years old. I was told it was a game. It didn't bother me then, but it did some damage to the way I perceive the world. Needless to say, sex and intimacy aren't related in my own world. Current Mood:  exanimate (5 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Saturday, June 24th, 2006 | |
| _6.24.06 (Saturday) 7:43pm_[napalm_lullaby] |
new flesh 1. Are you:A. femaleB. male2. Sexual Orientation:A. heterosexualB. gay/lesbianC. bisexualD. asexual3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)high school student. 4. How old are you currently?175. How old were you when you first SI-ed?scratches and bruises... i was fourish. burns and such.. i was eight. hardKore cutting... i was eleven or twelve6. Why do you SI?**it's a compulsion now. i don't copmpletely comprehend what i'm doing. this is not to say i "black out" completely. after the first one or two, i normally come back, but... that doesn't belong here. because i punish myself for everything i've done wrong and every person i've hurt. (ironic, no?)**7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?now, most of it is cutting. 8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?while i'm doing it, i don't feel it. i don't need to. i don't care. i guess that's me dissociating. 9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?before... i'm usually pissed. or hurt. or vengeful. during, i go completely blank and afterward i hate myself. 10. Do you have any rituals?everyhting has to be clean and i have to be able to see everything. the site itself usually isn't too big, and lately i've gotten weird about it: always in clustered sets of seven. 11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?i've SI-ed in front of people, before i figured out it wasn't "normal". i got caught once or twice, but they pretended that i wasn't slicing myself open. 12. Do you know anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?i don't think anyone really influenced me to do it by example, no13. How do you hide your SI?i wear clothes. when i'm stupid, i have a wrist cuff that i wear with those cheesy jelly bracelets. i don't do it in places that people normally check or that they can easily see. 14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?most people know now. my youth minister, my friends, the people i've dated, the people i smoke with, my parents15. How did they react and what did you feel?only a couple of people got stand-offish with me. there have been ultimatums(right word and spelling?) issued, but none of it did any good. i don't regret it or feel remorseful anymore; consider it my way of smoking or drinking when i'm not yet 18 or 21 or whatever16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?because it came up in conversation somehow. not everyone needs to know, but if they ask and are old enough to take it, they're smart enough to figure it out. little kids that happen to see? i was climbing a wire fence and it caught me. 17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?nothing's really changed...except my parents handle me with kid-gloves, which is ridiculous. my mom told me that she's afraid to lose her temper because i'll go off and hurt myself. it doesn't work like that and i wanted to destroy someone. 18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?i'm not sure i want to stop or not. i've stopped paying attention to it and treating it like a big deal. i just don't talk about it. unless someone close to me talks about it or brings it up or asks... yeah19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?not really. i drink, i smoke, i try to write. i don't really have people to talk to and i never have. so i can't really talk it off. 20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?none of it has been life-threatening. i OD'd once and the nurses saw scars... on my leg and thought they were suicide scars or something... no. there are many that i should have gotten stitched and bled for... fifteen, sixteen hours... but pride won't let me go into a hospital or doctor's office for stitches on something i did to myself. i've seen how doctors look at you. how they treat you and are rougher with their stitches because they figure, "you did it to yourself, you can take this." No. 21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?i went to a shrink for a few months. she pretty much told me i was a bad person and my friends were a horrible influence on me and tht i should forget them all and try to be one of the people everyone's in love with. 22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?**i quit taking it. it was useless and kept me high for three years. i couldn't see straight, couldn't think straight, couldn't control myself. because it was an SSRI and i don't need that. i just think differently and people don't know how to take that.23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?i walked out of her office and never went back, does that count?24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:AnorexiaBulimiaDepressionBipolarBorderline PersonalityPost Traumatic StressObsessive CompulsiveAnxiety/Panic AttacksDissociative Identity/**Multiple PersonalityAlcohol/Drug AddictionOther: 25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)i plead the fifth, it will probably come out later. 26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.it's better than the medication. i don't mind discreet itching while it heals. i don't mind the witch hazel, peroxide, alum and bandages. i don't mind it. it's a far cry better than taking medications that are supposed to make it "better" Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself. |
| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006 | |
| _6.21.06 (Wednesday) 1:35am_[fadingthescars] |
1. Are you:A. female YesB. male2. Sexual Orientation:A. heterosexualB. gay/lesbianC. bisexual YesD. asexual3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.) High school student4. How old are you currently? 175. How old were you when you first SI-ed? 156. Why do you SI? Because I need to know that I am still alive7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others? Cutting and Burning8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated? I feel no pain whatsoever9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI? ??????10. Do you have any rituals? Some but they are hard to explain11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught? no/Yes12. Do you anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior? Yes/No13. How do you hide your SI? I don't14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who? Not purposefully15. How did they react and what did you feel? n/A16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not? I only told my therapist. I don't want anyone else to know because people in my neighborhood and school would outcast me17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did? Somewhat easier I guess18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why? Yes, I want to stop because my little brother found out about it and then he tried it. I don't want to be that kind of influence on him19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?I have tried too many to remember20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals? No21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure? I have been in therapy for a year and a half. I have been in a psychiatric hospital 5 times22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication? I take Prozac23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI? No24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:AnorexiaBulimiaDepression YesBipolarBorderline PersonalityPost Traumatic StressObsessive Compulsive YesAnxiety/Panic AttacksDissociative Identity/Multiple PersonalityAlcohol/Drug AddictionOther: 25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question) emotional26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself. (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, June 15th, 2006 | |
| _6.15.06 (Thursday) 9:57am_[xbleu] | application OK, I hope I did the cut thing right ...( Read more...Collapse ) Current Mood: artistic (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Friday, June 24th, 2005 | |
| _6.24.05 (Friday) 1:49pm_[glass_vein] |
Sever the sinews that tie me to myself. I got an email from Armando Favazza today. He is the world expert on Self-mutilation. I have read, re-read and re-read his book, Bodies Under Siege. He's dedicated his life's work to it. So I was really pleased when he emailed me.I have decided to create a website for NZers on Self Mutilation. I decided to do this out of my own frustration and despair over the fact that there are basically no resources for NZers who deal with this. So I asked Armando if he had any suggestions. If anoys have suggestions, please, please let me know. Once it is up, I plan on sending the link to hospitals and mental-health fields. I went to the Feilding library today. I got a heap of great books, I FINALLY got Elizabeth Wurtzel's book, Prozac Nation. I love her. I got another book about a girl who cuts, one about anorexia, two about serial killers (one is a book of straight interviews with killers), and a book of strange case studies from psychology.I'm really down atm. I hate it. I am still at my mothers, which both sucks and is good. I wish I had bought blades with me, but am kind of relieved that I didn't. A large part of me doesn't want to stop cutting, as I feel as though I have not hurt myself badly enough. In comparisson to alot of people, I am a fucking emo kid. But then a part of me is scared of what I will do. I won't kill myself, I made a proise to a few people, one of them myself, but I am scared of living.Also, I am feeling really fucking fat. I realised that I have put 10kg on! At first it didn't make sense, as I have been eating alot less (and alot healthier), but then I remembered my stupid meds. This is another reason I hope Starr changes my meds.Do I want to get 'better'?I really don't know. Current Mood:  contemplative (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, June 14th, 2006 | |
| _6.14.06 (Wednesday) 7:38pm_[insane_faith] |
Application, yo'. 1. Are you:A. femaleB. male2. Sexual Orientation:A. heterosexualB. gay/lesbianC. bisexualD. asexual3. Job/School (i.e. high school student, doctor, etc.)An unemployed high school student4. How old are you currently?165. How old were you when you first SI-ed?136. Why do you SI?When I first started it was out of frustration and because I was at a loss of how to handle things. Now it's kind of out of habit but also to vent my anger in a way in which other people don't get hurt and to break myself out of this state of numbness I find myself in.7. What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?Cutting. It's just the easiest way to do it. I switched to burning for a while but then mom started hiding the matches and lighters and all.8. Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?I mostly disassociate, the pain is kind of like...background noise.9. How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?before: anxious, angry, frustrated, scared, destructiveduring: calm, serene, lucidafter: panicked, disappointed10. Do you have any rituals?Not really. I used to do it while listening to Strength Through Wounding by AFI when i wa in the 8th grade. But I outgrew that.11. Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?Um...I've done it in class before. In Excel in 8th grade...this girl saw me--she didn't do anything. Then twice this year in English class. No one saw.12. Do you anybody who SI's (friend, family member, etc)? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?I have friends who do it, but if anything, I think I kind of influenced them, or I've been SIing since before they have.13. How do you hide your SI?Long sleeves/other clothing, mostly.14. Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?Friends. My parents know, I go to therapy for it. My English teacher knows as well.15. How did they react and what did you feel?My friends were scared...but they try and help. My parents gave the normal parental reaction, which annoys me most of the time. My English teacher was supportive.16. Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?I told...well, most of them knew from my arms...like, it's not hard to tell. My parents were told by the school. The school found out from a friend who saw my arms. I told my English teacher in this biography thing we had to write because...I needed to get a lot of stuff out.17. Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do think things would change if you did?It's gotten easier and harder. Easier because I have more support and more alternatives. Howeverm it's harder because it doesn't stop the urge and when I act out on the urge, it gets me in trouble with a lot of people. Especially my therapist, who can't see me if I'm still SIing.18. Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?Yes. I know it's not a healthy way to handle things, and I want to learn to cope like everyone else does.19. Do you have any coping skills (methods) that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?I play my guitar most of the time. Writing used to work, but it doesn't anymore.20. Have you ever gotten any medical attention for your injuries? What were the attitudes you encountered from medical professionals?Just therapy. And we know how therapists react ("How do you feel?" and "Why do you feel that way?", etc.)21. Have you ever gone into therapy to treat your self-injurious behavior? Have you ever gone in-patient at a psychiatric hospital because of your self-injury or for any mental illness that cause you to self-injure?In therapy now. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on the 28th, so he/she can give me my "diagnonsense"22. Do you take any medication for your SI or for any mental illness that causes you to self-injure? If yes, which medication?None, yet.23. Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?Not yet.24. Do you have any other mental illnesses apart from SI such as:AnorexiaBulimiaDepressionBipolarBorderline PersonalityPost Traumatic StressObsessive CompulsiveAnxiety/Panic AttacksDissociative Identity/Multiple PersonalityAlcohol/Drug AddictionOther: Nothing has been diagnosed yet.25. Have you ever suffered any abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)? (Note: If you don't feel comfortable you have the choice not to answer the question)Not particularly. I was an outcast when I was younger.26. Comments? Would you like to describe any aspect of self-injury? Feel free to put whatever you think or feel, etc. down.Hmm...I'm not quite sure what to say here. Just that people always seem to remind other SIers that they're not alone. What they don't understand is that you can walk in the world with thousands of people who suffer just like you do. But, it doesn't stop you from feeling alone...that's the thing. I suppose it beats being alone by yourself, though...Please post a picture (or pictures), of yourself. cold (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Friday, June 24th, 2005 | |
| _6.24.05 (Friday) 1:44pm_[glass_vein] |
Mod post. Hey guys, I thought I should follow my own rules and fill out the app. ( Beaded pain.Collapse ) Current Mood:  tired (Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, June 14th, 2006 | |
| _6.14.06 (Wednesday) 7:12pm_[i_eaticons] |
New Flesh ( isn't it ironic it's called a cut?Collapse ) Current Mood: okay (2 Comments |Comment on this) |