fairytale endings (original) (raw)

It's four, so that means it's time for tea. No, I won't accept your jabbering, so come along and eat some digestives, they're good for you. Even if I have to make do with such grievous company, I'll keep a stiff upper lip and my good manners.

Prat.

...

...

...

This is so boring.

[A ragged-looking tsunkitty is sitting by the road. What do you do?]

Listen, I'm not here for your sake, you prat. I just... I heard that you weren't well, and I knew idiots couldn't catch colds, so I just... I only brought some scones because I had a few lying about, and I certainly didn't especially make them for you.

ATTENTION!!! Lost!! One Nick! It's very important that I find him! This is his first Steel Samurai convention, so be very careful when approaching. Loud noises and particularly shiny Steel Samurai costumes may frighten him away. He has hair that goes like fwoosh and a finger that goes like whoosh but his personality is very oosh. He enjoys sleeping on law books and cleaning toilets. This is very important.

Oh! But I'm also offering a generous reward for any information on his location! Bring him to me and you will gain the lush prize of... um... three gum wrappers, twenty-eight cents, a lollipop, a tiny bouncy ball, two fortune cookie fortunes, some string, and my thanks! Don't hesitate on this great, one-time deal! Go find him today!

What's this, then? A box? Didn't expect one in the middle of Bristol. I've always wanted to end up in New York, but I guess that's the way life turns out.

Don't get why it has to be an American box, though. It's even got the little bell with the crack on it, don't remember what it's called.

S'loads better than college, at least. Fucking A-levels.

Ehh? Ehhhhhh? This isn't home! Ah, ahhh, but I won't panic, because Germany told me what to do whenever I get lost though it's a little scary, v-ve. Mmm... First, make sure it's not home! It doesn't smell like pasta... or pizza... hmm... or paint... but you can't eat paint... or at least not too much, ve... So it's not home! Mm! That's good!

... Ah, I forgot the second step.

Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Please don't kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm still a virgin!! Please don't kill meeeeeeeeeeeee!! Aiutami!!!!! Ah, ah, Germanyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

Oh my, this absolutely won't do. Just look at this horrible mess! This box is absolutely positively coated in dust and... and, well, I'm not sure what this black rock... is, but it certainly doesn't belong in the oven. Oh! Oh, but it makes a rather nice paperweight. All... all five of them. Well, at least they have friends!

But no, no, no, this really won't do at all! I'll get this box cleaned in a jiffy. But oh dear, but I think I'll need a little help. Luckily, I know just who to call!

Aaaaaaaa aaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaa aaaaaaaaa~! Aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaa aaaa aaaaaaaaaaa~~~!

I'm not good at speeches, not like my boss, so I'll just say this.

It's time to go on the attack. And I don't mean just... just isolated places, I mean attack. Total and absolute war. Leave no Zack standing or--or crawling, or whatever the hell they do. I'm going to march everyday until all signs of them are blasted off this earth and then I'm not sitting until every last trace of them is gone.

And I mean, I mean, it makes sense because, Zack took a lot away from us. And there were a lot of scary situations where I think a lot of us thought we might not make it and that's not right. I don't want to watch my people live in fear for another hundred years. I mean, I mean, they might not be able to thrive in that sort of world. In our sort of world right now. I'm not saying we should clear out Zack, but I'm saying we need to, not just for them, but for us, okay?

It's time to attack, and I'm not accepting anything less than total war. But whatever we decide, we need to decide it now.