The Support Center (original) (raw)

Does this include mental illness?

I live with my bf (who is perfectly stable and mentally healthy) and my bipolar gf. I am bipolar as well. I take my meds, she tends to not, if we don't remind her every night, for awhile she lied about it, before seeing how badly that was destroying us.

But that isn't really what I'm here to talk about right now.

I had a tertiary bf (I suppose you would call him) who had borderline personality disorder, he lived a very tortured life. There were very few moments that I could say I caught him "happy" when he wasn't paying attention to the pain he was experiencing. It was hard to deal with, and towards the end, the constant suicidal ideation started to make me angry, so angry at times with him, that I would feel like I was going to puke. (literally, I have never experienced anger this intense before) anger at the thought of him leaving me behind.

Well, he came home one night and told me he did heroin for the first time and that was pretty much all I could take. I told him I loved him, I cried, and he said he loved me too. So that night, we split .

Anyhow, here we are, 7 months later, and he killed himself last saturday. I found out on tuesday in the worst way, overhearing someone at the bar talking about his death. In the back of my mind I didn't believe it was true, until I googled his name and found his obit.

Even though things were hard every step of the way, and I had to leave him for the well being of my own mental health ( I landed in the psych hospital after a particular nasty event, the stress was too much ) I still loved him, I never got to say good bye because a friend convinced me that i didn' tneed "closure" ...I had just wanted to tell him that he could come to me, if he needed to, even if we weren't together. That if he needed me, I would be there. I can't help but feel like he had no one to turn to, and that I abandoned him.

*sigh*

I told my mom about it and the first thing she said was, "You shouldn't be dating other people." Someone I loved is DEAD and all she can think to do is critisize my relationship style?

I had to tell my gma that it was a 'friend' because even though she knows that I'm poly, I'd like to minimize any drama with her that may ensue. It's all very lonely. I didn't know any of his friends, and my bf and gf hated him. I feel like I have to justify my pain, jus because they don't understand why I feel this way. It's tough.

I just wanted to get that out I suppose. If anyone else is dealing with mental health issues...well you can talk to me. It's a lonely way to live sometimes.