Bad introduction to Poly (original) (raw)

I am new to this community, and I have joined looking for advice and information. I am not deriding or judging this lifestyle, I am only trying to cope with a situation that has arisen in my life, and I doubt that I am the first person this has happened to. Hopefully I can gain a perspective that will help me deal with this.

This will probably be cross-posted, I apologize if any of this is offensive.

Background:

I'm new to poly and not a willing participant. It was presented to me that there is an existing relationship which my wife intends to pursue. She has said that she feels she is poly, and has tried to point out the possible benefits to me, and the definite benefits to her.

I do not accept this, but I want to be supportive. In the course of discussion I have pointed out that although I appreciate her openness, I feel that this was not an overnight development, and that I was at the least owed the courtesy of being aware of this as it developed. If I was uncomfortable, we could have worked out compromise at that time. As it is, I feel that this is now a situation of absolutes. I am being presented with the situation that either she pursues her feelings and I feel that I have been betrayed, or she does not pursue this at my behest and she feels that I am not supportive of her. I've tried to read as much as I can about Poly, and I have listened to her, but what I have read and seen does not seem to match up.

Mainly, since I was unaware of things I am unwilling to entertain the notion that she and her friend should get together (it has been a relationship of letters and phone calls so far). I have repeatedly told her that if she really feels that this is the lifestyle for her, that at the very least I am owed the courtesy of being fully aware of what is going on in her life, and that if I choose to not be a part of that life, I would have the freedom to separate myself from it. She has protested that this is not a theoretical problem, that there are real people with real emotions involved. I agree with her, but I am one of the real people in the situation and the emotions I am feeling are negative.

She is quite distressed and feels that I am forcing her to make a choice. I am, and unfortunately, what I have presented her with boils down to what she wants to experience with this new person versus what she already has. She says she believes that she is quite capable of managing two relationships. That may be, but I have pointed out that I do not believe that coming into this after the fact as I have that I am able to in this instance. I don't know if I could manage sharing her under any circumstances, but at the very least if I was involved with these decisions from the onset I would be able to make a fair effort. I would like to make that effort now, but I am unable to. I don't feel that there was informed consent on my part to be a party to this, and that my being brought into this in this fashion is very unfair.

I am very uncomfortable with this situation. My wife has made it clear to me that she intends for this new relationship to be long term.

I have a lot of fear and misgiving, and I think that no matter how supportive I want to be, and how deeply I feel for her that I will not be able to deal with this.

I am not willing to take that chance. When I suggested that I thought I would stand a better chance of being supportive and a part of things if she were to form a bond with somebody and I was aware of things from the initiation, she pointed out to me that she was already in a relationship with a real person with real feelings.

I don't discount that. She has admitted that she did not handle this as well as she could have, but that it is new to her. I can acknowledge that, but it does not heal my hurt feelings. I know that there are no hard and fast rules in life, but I feel that I am at an impasse and am hoping that somebody has something to share or offer that may help salvage this situation.

I love my wife and do not want to part with her. I cannot tell her what to do or think, I can only control myself. I am not enamored with the thought of her inviting new people into her life, but am not opposed to our relationship evolving as long as I am fully aware of what is happening when it is happening so that I am able to make informed judgments as to my position in the relationship and if I wish to continue as a part of it. I feel that this has been denied me at this time, and that it would be very difficult if it were at all possible for me to continue with her if she pursues this current "secondary".

If there are people who have experienced this, and have been able to work through it, I would like to read your stories. We are both in a lot of pain, we both care for each other deeply.