Telling Wayne (original) (raw)
July 6th, 2006 (02:01 pm)
current location: The Oasis
current mood: sad
current song: Lavender's Even Breathing
It feels like I only went to sleep moments ago. I look over to the clock and try to remember what time I finally made it bed. My memories of last night come rolling back like the Hogwarts Express.
Wayne
Last night I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was something I've never done before and never want to do again. I had to tell Wayne that Hannah, the witch he loved, was dead.
Justin was right in that it's hard enough to hear this kind of news from a friend much less from a stranger. Wayne is not the violent type and for that I'm grateful. As it is there is lots of glass broken around his flat now as he took his anger out on immaterial things.
It all went almost just as Eric had warned about. Although every person takes things differently, there is a pattern to accepting death. He told me all about the stages of grief. It makes me wonder what kind of person studies how people react to death. I felt like an intruder on Wayne's pain and I wasn't studying or dissecting his emotions and actions. From what I saw and felt, it's not a job I'd want either.
As soon as I told Wayne, as gently as I could, he started shaking his head and I barely got a chair under him as he sank downwards. He was mumbling how he'd just seen her before she left and they made plans for dinner.
Then the Floo erupted and he ran to it thinking it was Hannah and how he knew they made a mistake and his Hannah was alive. It wasn't Hannah. It was his uncle. There was no chair to place under Wayne when his knees hit the floor this time.
I explained the situation to Wayne's uncle who was less than sympathetic. I don't know how the guy calls himself family when he can't put his own thoughts behind when his nephew is hurting. I closed the Floo and blocked it. Wayne didn't need that or any well wishers at this point. He was still going through the first stage of shock and denial.
What happened next totally took me unaware. Wayne started mumbling that he'd die in her place. He then started getting louder and louder until he was screaming out all his with his thoughts and feelings in rage.
"Why couldn't it be me? Why her? She was finally happy with her life and doing what she wanted. It's not fair. It shouldn't have been her. She should be here right now. She shouldn't have been labeled as some casualty of a crazed killer that the damned ministry can't catch. Why didn't I ask her sooner?"
Then he picked up a crystal vase sitting on the sofa table and threw it against the wall. I sat back and watched as he destroyed everything he could get his hands on just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. He threw plates, various trinkets and pictures. He'd went though bargaining and guilt and into anger in the blink of an eye.
Eric warned me bargaining was normally the shortest phase of grief. He also said that answers to any questions are usually not wanted. The questions are rhetorical really as they only want the answer that can bring a loved one back or ease their pain. This is another reason I sat back and didn't speak.
I didn't know the munchk... Hannah as well as I should have. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems the last few months with Lavender that I let many friends fall by the wayside. Now I'll not have the chance to get to know her better but I can be here for Wayne. No one else is able to be here for him right now so I'll stand my post.
Suddenly the smashing stops and I find Wayne sitting on the floor with a picture of him and Hannah at the gala a few months ago. He's sitting there touching the image of Hannah softly. His shoulders sag then shake as I see the first tears hit the wooden floor beneath him.
I turn away as a wizard doesn't often show that side to other wizards. His grief is personal and he should have time to himself before being consoled and told everything will be all right. I wish Lavender was here for this part. She's much better at this than I am. I'm not good dealing with my own depression much less someone else's but I'll try for Wayne's sake.
"I was going to ask her to marry me on her birthday," I hear him barely whisper. I know he's ready for someone to be there but I don't know if I am. I walk over and lightly place my hand on his shoulder.
Wayne turns to me and all traces of tears are gone except the telling sign of redness in his eyes. "I'm sorry," I tell him honestly.
He looks back to his picture then gets up and sits on his sofa, clutching the picture close to him. "I waited too long and now I'll never know if she would have."
"You do know. Don't start second guessing your feelings or hers now. It's not fair to either of you," I tell him.
Wayne went on to tell me how lucky I am to still have Lavender and not to waste time like he did. I listened to him until he laid down to rest a bit then I went home.
Lavender stirs and starts to wake up. I know Wayne is in a bad place right now but I can't help but feel he's the lucky one to have not asked and been refused. Although we're still together and I still love her, things are still a little guarded between us. I can't help the wall I'm mentally building between us.
I'm lucky that I still have her but unlucky that I don't have her. But I won't mention this when I see Wayne again. No, he needs to think he's helping someone else from being in his position.