Stop it Before it Starts (original) (raw)

When I was 16, I went through a short phase of cutting myself. I was unhappy with most aspects of my life: dating situation, the school I was at, my weight, feeling awkward socially, etc. I went to an all boys catholic school, and at the time I was interested in a girl that was cutting herself once in awhile, usually carving a boy's initials into her leg. I also knew another girl that cut herself severely on a regular basis, with knives, razors, and even broken liquor bottles. I basically picked up the behavior from them. For them, myself, and everyone I have met since that has cut themselves, it was 100% an attention thing.

The girl that severely cut herself was trying to get attention from anyone that would give it to her. The people in her life had only given her negative attention, and cutting was a way to get sympathy from people. Even the people that treated her bad often would treat her good for the moment if she was bleeding. It has been a few years since I've seen this girl, but her arms and legs are covered in scars. It looks like she was in a horrible fire. Last I heard, she was going to have to have surgery to try to remove some of the scarring. The scars were so bad and visible that she found it difficult to get a job or find someone that would date her.

The girl that carved initials into her flesh was trying to get my attention and the attention of the other boy, and enjoyed herself more and more as the two of us competed for her attention by cutting ourselves.

I was trying to get her attention. I was trying to get the attention of people I went to school with. I was rather unpopular, and had interests that most everyone else thought were very strange. For me, the cutting was a way to protect myself. The stranger they thought I was, the less contact they wanted with me, the less they messed with me in school.

Over the course of about 8 months, I had carved several things into my legs and was unable to wear shorts due to scabbing. During a religion class at school, I cut two deep gashes into my hand with a fingernail by repeated running the nail over the skin. 8 years later, I still have the scars from it. Luckily my legs didn't scar.

If you're honest with yourself, you'll probably realize you want to cut in order to get attention. And you'll probably realize that the cutting is a way of dealing with the things that are frustrating you right now. You need to understand that if you cut to the point of scarring, it will stay with you forever. The things that have you depressed now are temporary, and doing permanent damage to yourself is not a good way to deal with temporary problems.

I am extremely happy with my life right now - something I thought I would never be able to say when I was 16. I was able to turn around every single problem I had in my life, but I'll always have the scars on my hand to remind me of how miserable and weak I was. You don't want that kind of reminder. Find something to put all your anger/depression into - music, art, kickboxing - whatever. When you feel the need to cut, put your energy into whatever will take your mind off it, and work at changing the things that are bothering you.

Music worked great for me. Putting on my headphones and listening to a depressing cd, crying in the dark for an hour or so, made everything I was feeling vanish. And afterward, I was able to focus on what would make me happier. Some kind of activity can do that for you too, you just have to find it.

I hope this helps a bit.