Tragic Story (original) (raw)

(no subject)	[Jun. 3rd, 2020\|08:38 pm]Nothing
[mood \|gloomy] [music	Orgy - Wide Awake and Dead]Contemplation(I'm sorry for the poor grammar, it's late and I'm tired. That's my excuse, hehe)I always use to think that life was generally pretty enjoyable, especially when I hit my 20s. I had a small yet close circle of friends. I never was really big on the idea of having a massive circle of friends, just a good bunch of high quality friends was good enough for me, but these days I'll take what I can get I guess.Then I got older and possibly more jaded and cynical as time went on. Bad experiences make me build my walls higher and the horrible shit I see on what seems to be almost a daily basis just justifies my actions even more....This makes it sound like I'm anti-social and that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I love going out and meeting people. I'm just a little more shy and a bit apprehensive as well till I get to know a person and know their intentions. Awhile back I met this guy through some one I use to be friends with and he was my complete opposite when it comes to social situations. He was VERY outgoing and knew lots of people. I admired that about him, he had some thing I wish I had. I have to give him some credit though, he really did help bring me out of my shell and brought some of my walls down, and I absolutely loved it. I felt like I was finally interacting with others without worry. Sorry, though, I am no longer friends with him, as they say, nothing lasts forever....I've had several people come into my life and then they leave... I know that part of life, but it really hurts, especially if I was close to them like I was with some... well I should say that I'm close to all my friends, cause everyone of them was special to me and unique. I could go into each one and explain how much of an impact they made on me but that would take forever and I'm fuckin' lazyAnyway I guess the point I'm trying to make is this; I use to have alot of friends and life was a lot more interesting and fun to me. It isn't any more, it's quite damn depressing and lonely.. Yes, some of the loneliness I have brought upon myself for being closed off to most people, but it's not like even if I was open that they'd want to be friends with me or get to know me. Most don't and most won't which is fine I guess.. but I always leave the door open a crack for some one who wants to try and be friends. I never ever shut the door completely cause that'd be stupid. Some times it does feel liek that might be better though..These past 10+ years I've seen a lot of crap. It just feels like the world and the people in it are turning more hateful and unfriendly each passing day. Which fuels my barriers...It never use to be that way... Hmmm..., maybe the world hasn't changed so much, maybe it's me that has changed?
link	Break my heart

(no subject)

[Jun. 3rd, 2020|08:38 pm]Nothing

[mood** |gloomy] [music**

Orgy - Wide Awake and Dead]Contemplation(I'm sorry for the poor grammar, it's late and I'm tired. That's my excuse, hehe)I always use to think that life was generally pretty enjoyable, especially when I hit my 20s. I had a small yet close circle of friends. I never was really big on the idea of having a massive circle of friends, just a good bunch of high quality friends was good enough for me, but these days I'll take what I can get I guess.Then I got older and possibly more jaded and cynical as time went on. Bad experiences make me build my walls higher and the horrible shit I see on what seems to be almost a daily basis just justifies my actions even more....This makes it sound like I'm anti-social and that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I love going out and meeting people. I'm just a little more shy and a bit apprehensive as well till I get to know a person and know their intentions. Awhile back I met this guy through some one I use to be friends with and he was my complete opposite when it comes to social situations. He was VERY outgoing and knew lots of people. I admired that about him, he had some thing I wish I had. I have to give him some credit though, he really did help bring me out of my shell and brought some of my walls down, and I absolutely loved it. I felt like I was finally interacting with others without worry. Sorry, though, I am no longer friends with him, as they say, nothing lasts forever....I've had several people come into my life and then they leave... I know that part of life, but it really hurts, especially if I was close to them like I was with some... well I should say that I'm close to all my friends, cause everyone of them was special to me and unique. I could go into each one and explain how much of an impact they made on me but that would take forever and I'm fuckin' lazyAnyway I guess the point I'm trying to make is this; I use to have alot of friends and life was a lot more interesting and fun to me. It isn't any more, it's quite damn depressing and lonely.. Yes, some of the loneliness I have brought upon myself for being closed off to most people, but it's not like even if I was open that they'd want to be friends with me or get to know me. Most don't and most won't which is fine I guess.. but I always leave the door open a crack for some one who wants to try and be friends. I never ever shut the door completely cause that'd be stupid. Some times it does feel liek that might be better though..These past 10+ years I've seen a lot of crap. It just feels like the world and the people in it are turning more hateful and unfriendly each passing day. Which fuels my barriers...It never use to be that way... Hmmm..., maybe the world hasn't changed so much, maybe it's me that has changed?

link

Break my heart

Nothing but regret..	[Jan. 28th, 2020\|04:04 pm]Nothing
[mood \|depressed]So as per usual I seem to ruin good things that go on in my life. Within a single month I destroyed so many good things that I had. I lost people I cared about by making a stupid choice. I ruined some possible romantic relationships with two guys that I met over the past few weeks all due to my personal flaws. I have nothing but regret and bitterness in my heart at this point. All of that is directed at myself of course because I just fucking suck.I looked back on few years of my life and it just makes me want to cry. I've ruined so many good things I had and I truly didn't even mean to do it. I wish I could be forgiven, I wish I could be understood and given a second chance.I wish people would look underneath all my flaws and see the person I truly am...I wish some one would just care about me..sighI know this site is basically dead and no one reads this stuff any more. But it's where I started and I won't just abandon it now. If some one does happen to be reading this then Hello! thanks for taking a interest in my words and thoughts.Any way, that's all I have to say for now.
link	Break my heart

Nothing but regret..

[Jan. 28th, 2020|04:04 pm]Nothing

[**mood** |

depressed]So as per usual I seem to ruin good things that go on in my life. Within a single month I destroyed so many good things that I had. I lost people I cared about by making a stupid choice. I ruined some possible romantic relationships with two guys that I met over the past few weeks all due to my personal flaws. I have nothing but regret and bitterness in my heart at this point. All of that is directed at myself of course because I just fucking suck.I looked back on few years of my life and it just makes me want to cry. I've ruined so many good things I had and I truly didn't even mean to do it. I wish I could be forgiven, I wish I could be understood and given a second chance.I wish people would look underneath all my flaws and see the person I truly am...I wish some one would just care about me..*sigh*I know this site is basically dead and no one reads this stuff any more. But it's where I started and I won't just abandon it now. If some one does happen to be reading this then Hello! thanks for taking a interest in my words and thoughts.Any way, that's all I have to say for now.

link

Break my heart

Busy Busy...	[Nov. 15th, 2019\|10:21 am]Nothing
Life sure does get busy, does it not? Again haven't been on here in a good while but finally found some time to write.. I've noticed that barely any one uses this site any more and that makes me sad cause it was a huge part of my life back in the day. I guess it still kinda is even now, considering that I'm typing this out right now, eh? Oh guess what! I finally got my dream car that I've been wanting since they came out back in 2003!! It's the Honda Element! It took me what? over a decade but I finally got one and I love it. I got it for a good price and there isn't really much wrong with it so I got really lucky and found a good one. I've been slowly getting it more and more tuned up since I don't know how well it was taken care of before I got it. So it won't hurt to make sure things are as they should be. Ran into the Father of an old friend from my past just the other day while I was out. Was nice to see him. The two of us had always gotten along and it was good to know things were going ok for all of the family. Oh yeah, I'm also finally getting full-time hours! That's nice cause I can finally get some stuff paid off and of course... my car payments I now have to make. Only 3,000 but that's better than 13,000... yikes... Anywho, that's all for today. Seeya next time!
link	Break my heart

Busy Busy...

[Nov. 15th, 2019|10:21 am]Nothing

Life sure does get busy, does it not? Again haven't been on here in a good while but finally found some time to write.. I've noticed that barely any one uses this site any more and that makes me sad cause it was a huge part of my life back in the day. I guess it still kinda is even now, considering that I'm typing this out right now, eh? Oh guess what! I finally got my dream car that I've been wanting since they came out back in 2003!! It's the Honda Element! It took me what? over a decade but I finally got one and I love it. I got it for a good price and there isn't really much wrong with it so I got really lucky and found a good one. I've been slowly getting it more and more tuned up since I don't know how well it was taken care of before I got it. So it won't hurt to make sure things are as they should be. Ran into the Father of an old friend from my past just the other day while I was out. Was nice to see him. The two of us had always gotten along and it was good to know things were going ok for all of the family. Oh yeah, I'm also finally getting full-time hours! That's nice cause I can finally get some stuff paid off and of course... my car payments I now have to make. Only 3,000 but that's better than 13,000... yikes... Anywho, that's all for today. Seeya next time!

link

Break my heart

Happiness?	[Jul. 11th, 2019\|07:04 am]Nothing
It's been awhile hasn't it? But that's ok.. It's not like last entry which was overdue for like more than a decade, right? Hah. So... still getting use to living in this house. It's the house that I grew up in till about 3rd grade then moved to the other house which is further north of here. I guess both houses could be considered childhood homes but the one up north I have way more memories there than I do here. It's a struggle some times to realize my life has changed in a permanent way once again... You know, I use to welcome change and thought it was fun and exciting but these days it just stresses me out. sigh
link	Break my heart

Happiness?

[Jul. 11th, 2019|07:04 am]Nothing

It's been awhile hasn't it? But that's ok.. It's not like last entry which was overdue for like more than a decade, right? Hah. So... still getting use to living in this house. It's the house that I grew up in till about 3rd grade then moved to the other house which is further north of here. I guess both houses could be considered childhood homes but the one up north I have way more memories there than I do here. It's a struggle some times to realize my life has changed in a permanent way once again... You know, I use to welcome change and thought it was fun and exciting but these days it just stresses me out. *sigh*

link

Break my heart

Well hello there	[May. 18th, 2019\|10:55 am]Nothing
[mood \|creative]....Wow well this is awkward. After all this time I finally get access again to my journal. I had to jump thru a lot of hoops to get it back since I forgot the password and the email I used for it back then, but here I am! It's been what? 11 years? To say this has been a entry long over do doesn't even come close! How the hell do you sum up 11 years worth of life in a simple entry? Well, YOU DON'T. It's impossible, however what I can say without going into massive details that would take forever to type up, my life the past 11 years has been full of Death, Sadness, Deep Depression, Sickness, and Self Discover. I've had several family members die with in the past years and a few friends have left and moved on with their life else where in the world, but I made sure to hold onto the ones that truly matter to me and I have, so I'm not as sad about it as I could be..They say the one absolute truth in life is Change. Life is Flux. I use to wonder a lot if that applied to every one but myself and now I see how stupid I was back then. Change didn't happen because I didn't want it to, I may have thought about it yet I never wanted to take the step towards that goal. Isn't it sad that people tend to have these revelations later in life than earlier? Oh well, I'm still young and I started taking those steps I could years ago. Still not exactly where I want to be but I'll get there eventually even if I have to drag my sorry butt across the finish line. I'll do it.I doubt any one ever reads this anymore, but if you are then Hello!More to come :P
link	Break my heart

Well hello there

[May. 18th, 2019|10:55 am]Nothing

[**mood** |

creative]....Wow well this is awkward. After all this time I finally get access again to my journal. I had to jump thru a lot of hoops to get it back since I forgot the password and the email I used for it back then, but here I am! It's been what? 11 years? To say this has been a entry long over do doesn't even come close! How the hell do you sum up 11 years worth of life in a simple entry? Well, YOU DON'T. It's impossible, however what I can say without going into massive details that would take forever to type up, my life the past 11 years has been full of Death, Sadness, Deep Depression, Sickness, and Self Discover. I've had several family members die with in the past years and a few friends have left and moved on with their life else where in the world, but I made sure to hold onto the ones that truly matter to me and I have, so I'm not as sad about it as I could be..They say the one absolute truth in life is Change. Life is Flux. I use to wonder a lot if that applied to every one but myself and now I see how stupid I was back then. Change didn't happen because I didn't want it to, I may have thought about it yet I never wanted to take the step towards that goal. Isn't it sad that people tend to have these revelations later in life than earlier? Oh well, I'm still young and I started taking those steps I could years ago. Still not exactly where I want to be but I'll get there eventually even if I have to drag my sorry butt across the finish line. I'll do it.I doubt any one ever reads this anymore, but if you are then Hello!More to come :P

link

Break my heart

Hmm	[Oct. 9th, 2008\|12:08 am]Nothing
I still don't know what to write about on here. My life use to be very eventful, but since most the people I know have either moved away, had kids and gotten married, or have just turned into someone else and not for the better.The last friend that was left had decided to join the ranks of the married too. So, now I'm really left with no one. I miss how my life use to be unpredictable. I miss having people to hang out with, having a good time and forgetting about all the problems in life. Those days are gone and over. I'm getting older now and I wonder if I'll ever have them again. I doubt it. The way things are going anymore I doubt I'll ever have a social life again.
link	1 Broken\|Break my heart

Hmm

[Oct. 9th, 2008|12:08 am]Nothing

I still don't know what to write about on here. My life use to be very eventful, but since most the people I know have either moved away, had kids and gotten married, or have just turned into someone else and not for the better.The last friend that was left had decided to join the ranks of the married too. So, now I'm really left with no one. I miss how my life use to be unpredictable. I miss having people to hang out with, having a good time and forgetting about all the problems in life. Those days are gone and over. I'm getting older now and I wonder if I'll ever have them again. I doubt it. The way things are going anymore I doubt I'll ever have a social life again.

link

1 Broken|Break my heart

(no subject)	[Jul. 30th, 2008\|12:48 pm]Nothing
[mood \|cynical]Memories of allies whom have devolved into ambiguous parties, attempt to recapture the idea of what was. My own personal evolution continues to push me further into understanding and illumination. This is a journey that seems to be one I will take alone. Further and further I am being moved away to a better place. Slowly but surely, I have begun to get the things that I want. This is both exciting and frightening all at once.
link	Break my heart

(no subject)

[Jul. 30th, 2008|12:48 pm]Nothing

[**mood** | cynical

cynical]Memories of allies whom have devolved into ambiguous parties, attempt to recapture the idea of what was. My own personal evolution continues to push me further into understanding and illumination. This is a journey that seems to be one I will take alone. Further and further I am being moved away to a better place. Slowly but surely, I have begun to get the things that I want. This is both exciting and frightening all at once.

link

Break my heart

oh la le	[Jul. 7th, 2007\|02:32 pm]Nothing
Hi. :)
link	2 Broken\|Break my heart

(no subject)	[May. 19th, 2006\|02:39 pm]Nothing
[mood \|disappointed]-sigh- Why do people act like this? I meet someone new that seem to be really cool and I put all my effort into trying to be their friend and they act nice and friendly and wanna be my friend then when I try to contact them again they just ignore me. Like this one girl I know. She was all cool with me for 3 days then just stopped talking to me all together. And I know she reads my msgs cause I can see if she does. This seems to be happening a lot to me and I don't know why. I wish it would stop and I could find some cool people that I have somthing in common with and be friends together. Is that really too much to ask for?? :'(
link	Break my heart

(no subject)

[May. 19th, 2006|02:39 pm]Nothing

[**mood** |

disappointed]-sigh- Why do people act like this? I meet someone new that seem to be really cool and I put all my effort into trying to be their friend and they act nice and friendly and wanna be my friend then when I try to contact them again they just ignore me. Like this one girl I know. She was all cool with me for 3 days then just stopped talking to me all together. And I know she reads my msgs cause I can see if she does. This seems to be happening a lot to me and I don't know why. I wish it would stop and I could find some cool people that I have somthing in common with and be friends together. Is that really too much to ask for?? :'(

link

Break my heart

(no subject)	[May. 18th, 2006\|11:52 am]Nothing
[mood \|depressed]I'm so sick of fighting with my parents. Its wearing on me and I don't know how much more I can take of it. And I don't even have friends I can turn to for support. It feels like I'm trapped inside a glass cage; I can see the outside and what my goals are but I can't reach them. I really feel like giving up and just dieing, maybe that way they will see the pain they have caused me in my life.. I don't know what to do right now. I feel so lost and alone. I can't do anything right.
link	1 Broken\|Break my heart

(no subject)

[May. 18th, 2006|11:52 am]Nothing

[**mood** |

depressed]I'm so sick of fighting with my parents. Its wearing on me and I don't know how much more I can take of it. And I don't even have friends I can turn to for support. It feels like I'm trapped inside a glass cage; I can see the outside and what my goals are but I can't reach them. I really feel like giving up and just dieing, maybe that way they will see the pain they have caused me in my life.. I don't know what to do right now. I feel so lost and alone. I can't do anything right.

link

1 Broken|Break my heart