Through All the Gloom I See the Rays of Ravishing Light and Glory. (original) (raw)

Sitting at work, killing time. The boy and I are supposed to be going on a walk and/or grabbing ice cream when I get off in an hour. I haven't heard from him all day, so I'm just really hoping he doesn't get distracted like last week and forget... if he does, I don't think I'll be quite as offended (ie. pissed) as last time, just really disappointed.

Hopefully he wont forget though. Cause, if he doesn't, well...

Yup.

Current Mood: bored

Okay. Update. Right.
The boy and I have progressed... yes? Well. Here's the down low: We agreed to go out again last Saturday, but he got wrapped up with homework and so that didn't end up happening, which made me pissed because I thought he was blowing me off (which he wasn't, I just overreacted). Then that night we ended up at the same party. We both got drunk and, eventually, spent most of the party together, and then we started kissing (a lot). He asked me if I wanted to go home with him... and I said yes. Now, don't jump to any conclusions. Clothing stayed on (for the most part) and I'm still a proud member of the v-club, but it's definitely the most intimate I've ever been with a guy. And I got to sleep in his arms which was lovely beyond all belief. And in the morning we ate cereal and watched Fraggle Rock... So yeah. That happened. And since then we hug a lot. No public kissing, not just yet. But today made me feel we're headed in the right direction. We sat next to each other in directing class, he asked me to run to get coffee with him during the break (which I did), we spent a good half hour after class talking, and the girl he's also casually seeing walked by and he didn't once take his attention off of me. Plus, he asked when I was seeing Shape of Things and seemed genuinely bummed out that we wouldn't be there the same night.

Besides all of that, life is life. Acting II auditions are coming up, I still have showcase rehearsals, and I have a heaping amount of stress from school. Once my stress load lightens up I plan on making a full comeback to livejournal (and Muppet Central, which I've neglected all of this term).

Also, check out my tumblr.

Current Mood: exhausted

Thinking about how I get to see you tomorrow
- safe if your arms -
sends my heart beating the inside of my chest
like a jackhammer
against dirty cement.

I’m a lucky girl
to know the touch of your lips to the crook of my neck.
I wish we could stay that way
forever.
Throw me one more glance
and I may fall for good.

Catch me.

Current Location: Work

Current Mood: bored

Current Music: Guy's Like Potter // A Very Potter Sequel

I want to apologize that I haven't been reading your guy's entries as of late. This term is so incredibly stressful for me, and I'm not talking about my boy issues here. I'm in five classes (all homework heavy, one of which requires outside rehearsals), a showcase that rehearses four times a week, improv club that meets twice a week, and such. So, I sincerely plan on getting to all your (recent) entries and commenting, but please know that probably wont be for a couple more weeks. I'm super sorry! Spring term is always so hectic for me. I feel like such a bad livejournal friend.

In quick, boy related, news, he said this to me over IM last night: “You looked amazing today by the way. I don’t know if I told you that.” Ugh. I can't even begin to describe how much joy that brought me. Operation 'woo-boy-and-make-him-mine' is well on its way!

Okay, that's about it for today. Don't expect too many updates from me this week. I'll be lucky if this week doesn't kill me with the amount of homework I have to get done. UGH.

~*~*~*~

Edit: Know what the worst part is? I haven't even watched Starship yet! I don't think I'm gonna be able to until Saturday. Maybe Friday night, if I'm lucky... Ugh. It depends on how quickly I can get my stupid homework done. I just wanna watch Starship and fall back in love with the StarKid gang... sad face.

Current Mood: stressed

Okay. After a long, emotional night of crying, holding back screams, and being just goddamn angry at him, I've calmed down a lot. And in calming down, I've been able to look at things a whole lot clearer. So, in turn, I came up with this conclusion.

I'm giving him three and a half weeks.

Three and a half weeks to show him what he could have with me. I'm going to flirt shamelessly with him. I'm going to stay in shape, dress up and look my best on the days I know I'm going to see him. I'm going to ask to hang out with him a couple more times. I'm hoping we get to make out at least once more. I'm going to be there to listen to him. I'm going to be there to talk with him. I'm going to be alluring. I'm going to be funny. I'm going to be sexy. I'm going to let him see just how utterly wonderful I can be.

But when those three and a half weeks are up, it's gonna be summer. And do you know what summer means? Summer means no stress. Summer means no plans. Summer means that not having time for a serious relationship is not an option. Summer means he's gonna have to make a choice. That choice may be between me and the other girl, or it may be between me and not wanting to just see one girl exclusively. So, yes, maybe his choice is not going to be me and maybe I'm going to get my heart broken. But I'm taking that risk.

All I know is, I have not been as happy as I was this past Saturday for a very long time. And I'm not willing to throw in the towel on this one just yet. So I'm gonna fight. Cause when you find something, or someone, that makes you this happy, that's what you should do. You should fight for it. Maybe I won't reign supreme, but hell, it's better than hiding in my room and crying because I didn't ever try.

I guess we'll have to see where I am in three and a half weeks.

Current Mood: determined

Well fuck. I can't concentrate on homework, so I'm gonna do a rant having to do with my entry that happened yesterday. All having to do with my date.

The Good Part

So. The boy, Scott, and I had our date. We went to Lithia Park and had our picnic, which was really nice and very low key. I brought pitas, PB&J's, and strawberries, and he brought juice boxes. We talked about siblings, weather, New York, friends, and things of that nature. Eventually, the TV show Firefly came up in conversation and I mentioned how I hadn't seen Serenity in ages, so he was all, "Let's go back and watch it at my place!"

And so we did. It started off with us sitting next to each other. Then his head ended up on my shoulder. Then I ended up cuddled up against his chest. Then we ended up lying down/spooning, which lead to him giving me a massage/kissing the back of my neck (as he has done so many times in the past). Until. Finally. He kissed me. And that kiss lead into us making out for a good hour or so. And it was glorious. I always thought I didn't like making out, but now I've come to realize my last boyfriend was just a terrible kisser. Scott is an amazing kisser. I could kiss him all day. And the way that he looked at me before he kissed me... Jesus, my stomach swoons just thinking about it.

Eventually, we went back to watching the movie and we then had a tickle fight, until finally he told me he had to take me home because he had to get ready for a rehearsal thing. So we got ready to leave, but not before we made out while he was holding me and my legs were wrapped around his waist. Guys. This has been a dream of mine to make out with a guy like that and it finally happened. I left that date feeling so goddamn confident that we were headed in every right direction possible.

The Bad Part

So we were both at a party last night, and I noticed he was being a little distant. Which was fine, for the most part. We're kind of a new thing, so maybe he didn't want to draw too much attention to us. We ended up on Kim's couch, eventually, and we talked for a bit before he left due to a stomachache. I headed home not too long after that.

I basically spent all of today wanting to text or IM him. But I told myself to give him space because, hey, I don't want to come off as clingy. But I couldn't help wanting him to IM/text me, and the fact that he hadn't was a little disconcerting... until finally he texted me asking me if he could stop by to talk. My feminine intuition kicked in and I knew instantly this wasn't going to be a good conversation. And it wasn't necessarily a bad conversation... just not one I was hoping to have. It comes down to this.

He likes me. He likes spending time with me. He wants to keep spending time with me.

But there are two things:

1. He does not want a serious relationship right now. His life is too hectic.

This I can deal with. At this current moment in my life, a serious relationship probably isn't that great of an idea. We both have school, we're both in plays, we both have jobs, we're both in different improv troubles. Obviously it wouldn't be smart to try to start something serious. So. Casual. That's fine. No big deal.

1. He is seeing another girl casually as well.

... Well fuck.

He said he was going to tell me last night at the party, but didn't cause he left early. I just... gah. This would've been something I'd like to have known going into this. I wish he told me last weekend when I asked him out. And I'm glad he's not hiding this from me and he did tell me. I'm just... See. I'm a jealous person. So knowing there's another girl in the picture is... not good. For me. And I do like him, so, yes, I am going to keep seeing him. Casual or not. And maybe this isn't a smart idea, but goddammit, I'm not ready to give up. Not just yet. We just got this thing started.

I just don't know how to feel right now. Happy that he was honest with me? Disappointed he didn't tell me sooner? Thrilled that I stand a chance? Scared that I might not be his first choice?

Fuck. This is stressful.

All I want is for him to hold me. And kiss me. Goddammit, is that too much to ask for?

Current Mood: frustrated

Current Mood: ecstatic

My picnic date is tomorrow. Oh goodness.

Current Mood: excited

Current Music: Unpretty -- Glee

Two days ago it would have been our one year anniversary. While I still believe breaking up was for the best and while I may be head-over-heels for the current guy I'm very much into...

I can't help being sad. I miss him.

Current Mood: nostalgic

Good news: The Boy and I decided on a picnic-date for this Saturday!

Bad news: My directing scene for tomorrow sucks hardcore.

Current Mood: okay